Love's Lash Hurrah

Updated Sunday 15 May, 2011 12:18 PM

Love's Last Hurrah

by Thomas Wm. Hamilton, tham153@hotmail.com

Thomas writes as an introduction:
I originally wrote this in early 1979 as a response to something or
other in political news. Asimov's turned it down as "too downbeat"
(I thought, and still think it's hilarious), Galileo said it lacked
character, and Analog, Destinies and F&SF all used form letters (the
only rejection I ever got from Destinies that was a form letter). I
have not changed the story in any way except for the references to
Bill Clinton, and of course the recent court ruling declaring the
Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional.

The door smashed open, sending a loud sound throughout the sleazy
motel. Four people quickly entered the room. First, a two man
holography team weighed down by an additional two videocams and a
digital still camera. Second, a somewhat stout woman of a certain
age. She was far too well dressed for the venue. Third, a man who
looked as though Central Casting had sent him in response to a
request for a "private eye type". Slightly shabby clothing, a shirt
a couple days too long from its last washing, an unlit cigaret
dangling from thin, hard lips, eyes that clearly had seen
everything, and were no long impressed.
On the bed, tangled among the bedding, a gray haired man and a
far younger woman looked up, startled. The woman closely resembled
a famous actress of six decades ago. The man was one of the most
recognizable people on or off the planet, being the former Governor
of Colorado, current Commander in Chief of all American Armed
Forces, former Minority Leader in the U.S. Senate, in short, the
President.
It was a tribute to the President's reaction time, which had not
slowed perceptibly since the days when he was the hottest pitcher
in the Southern Collegiate Baseball League, that even as the
holographers moved into position he was trying to hide his face.
This had an unfortunate effect when later played on network news,
since the entire planet, and the lunar and martian colonies, all got
to see the bare rear end of the President sticking in the air, while
his head tried to burrow into the mattress.
After getting a full record of those parts of the President which
were on display, the holographers turned their equipment to the
young woman on the bed. Both enjoyed the view of her body quite as
much as movie audiences had over a half century earlier. The wavy
silken blonde hair falling in cascades about the once, and soon to
be again, famous body, the provocative tilt of the nose, the ripe
thick lips, the lush firm curves, the aureole...
The detective called the holographers back to paying attention to
the job for which they were being paid, ordering a full recording of
the shabby room. While they got a fix on a threadbare window
curtain which still had memories of having been a bright red, the
young woman tried to wrap herself in a sheet. The President's wife,
for such was the elder woman who had entered with the holographers
and detective, began pommeling her with clenched fists, as both
women yelled incoherently. The detective pulled his client
away. "We got enough. Let's get out o' here."
"I will not leave my husband with that Jezebel!"
"I thought you wanted to divorce the bum, not beat up on his girl
friends. Come on, we got enough, let's scram before someone calls
the local cops."
The President, meanwhile, had given up trying to get under the
bed, which was nailed to the floor (it was that kind of place, tacky
even for Acapulco in its decadence following the thirty year oil
boom which had briefly made Mexico as wealthy as it had been as
Spain's wealthiest colony in the Sixteenth Century). He now had his
head under the sheet which was otherwise wrapped about his
paramour. It was such an interesting position that the detective
had the holographers make a few more seconds recording.
With this climax, the whole group left, with the President's wife
shrilly threatening violence, legal action, and vengeance in the
afterlife.

* * *

Washington, March 18 (Federated Press) Official Washington is
in perhaps even more turmoil than the rest of the country over one
of the most embarassing scandals ever to hit the United States.
Rumors abound that following the precedent of the Clinton case at
the end of the last century a Bill of Impeachment may be presented
in the House of Representatives. It is also said that a delegation
of party leaders may have already met with the President, and asked
him to follow Richard Nixon's precedent by resigning, instead of
toughing out the Impeachment the way Clinton did.

* * *

Paris, March 20 (Universal News Service) The French reaction
to the American President's embarassment is generally one of
bewilderment. King Pippin is well known to have an eye for young
women, and no one here thinks that worth a comment, except perhaps
for his taste (the king prefers women who are better padded than is
the usual French ideal). There is a certain amount of national
pride that the President of France's oldest ally should have chosen
the clone of a noted French actress for his mistress. That the
actress herself was at the peak of her career more than sixty years
ago in the old fashioned movies no one watches any more makes little
difference, although of course few remember ever having seen Babette
Bordeaux on screen. There has been some talk of reviving her movies
as a result of the publicity, although this may be difficult. There
seems to be not a single projector capable of handling the old films
in existence in all France.

* * *
Copernicus, March 21 (NewsNet) The Armstrong City Courier, a
weekly newspaper in the capital of the American lunar colony, has
demanded that this territory of Copernicus take the lead in
effectuating the United Nations proposal of uniting all lunar
colonies into a Lunar Republic, with full U.N. membership. In a
front page editorial the paper, generally known as politically
moderate, said, "The United States government is once again
paralyzed by its own depravities. We should immediately declare our
independence, and unite all Luna under our leadership. The United
Nations has recognized that our manifest destiny is independence
from countries 385,000 kilometers away. There is no reason why we
should not use this moment to end Earth's dumping of unwanted people
and looting of our resources."

* * *

"Wal, now, little lady, yew jest calm yer horses a spell afore we
get to consider puttin' in any sech impeachment bill." The Chair of
the House Judiciary Committee enjoyed affecting an accent used by no
more than ten percent of his constituents. When he had first
entered Congress decades ago, there had been more people who spoke
that way, and he secretly viewed himself as preserving a great
tradition. Most people just snickered when he wasn't looking.
The "little lady" addressed, who stood a full 1.73 meters, had
long since learned to ignore the affectations and idiosyncracies of
her Congressional colleagues. This time she smelled blood, and
demanded action. "Why should I hold off the resolution? This jerk
with a pimply behind and a moldy philosophy is making the entire
country look stupid. And my constituents hated him long before he
ever set foot in Mexico."
The committee's minority leader shook his head. "Your
constituents carry a negative weight around here. Remember, you're
a nonvoting representative on the floor, even if you have full
committee privileges, since Copernicus is only a Territory, not a
State. And the citizens of Copernicus are very unpopular with a lot
of patriotic Americans because they aren't interested in becoming a
State. If they go ahead and declare independence with U. N. backing
they may get away with it, but your status would be very uncertain."
"Are you suggesting that because I am non-voting on the floor I
can't legally introduce the motion? There are plenty of legal
precedents, and you know it. In fact, if I bring the motion, that
might be just what is needed to slow the independence movement."
Dorothy Kazmyer Walsh had not become the first, and so far only,
lunar representative in Washington without developing skills at in-
fighting. She did not cite her precedents. Yet.
"Now yew know mah learned colleague would nevah make sech a
mistake. What he means, and Ah agree, is thet yew're jest not the
raht pusson to make the move, even if'n it looks good on the Moon.
Speakin' of legal precedents, yew best look to what laws the
President allegedly broke."
"Laws? Laws? Who gives a damn what laws are involved? He got
his pimply bare ass into every home in the Solar System. If fact,"
she smothered a sudden giggle, "you could say he mooned us all."
The minority leader again shook his head. "The Constitution
allows Presidents to be impeached only for -- and I quote -- high
crimes and misdemeanors. There was some talk when Clinton was
impeached that the grounds could be anything Congress felt like,
which may well have contributed to the failure of his impeachment.
Anyhow, having a pimply ass may be unesthetic, but it's not yet a
felony."
"Puhhaps it's jest a line in the history books for yew, little
lady" ("one more time with that little lady crap, and I'll spit on
his bald spot when he stands up")", but Ah was in school when Nixon
was impeached, and Ah remember the big issue was thet they had tew
prove he knew what was goin' on with the burglars. Seems lahk Ah
remember they had a slogan thet went somethin' lahk 'when did the
President find the smokin' gun and how much did he use it? Or
somethin' lahk thet."
"How about slapping him with a Mann Act charge?"
"No good." The minority leader was perpetually negative. "He
and the bimbo travelled separately and met in the hotel. By the
time they were in the hotel, Mexican law governed."
"He travelled incognito. Maybe he violated some Mexican law when
he crossed the border."
"No. Seems there's a grand old tradition that heads of state
don't need passports. Better drop the Mexican end of things,
because they don't want to get involved in our domestic political
fights, and I doubt Congress would be cheering to impeach a
president for violating a foreign country's law anyhow."
"Now back home Ah remembah we got us a law says a gal is legal as
all get out when she reaches fourteen, which some think is a mite
young. It ain't but seventeen years sence they made this here
Babette clone, and, heh, heh, a couple weeks sence the President
made her in his own way. Maybe yew could find some jurisdiction
where you could get him for grabbin' an underage gal."
"No," Dorothy waved her hand dismissively. "The offense was
committed in Mexico, and we've already agreed that's a blind alley.
We would have to prove he molested her somewhere inside the United
States where the age of consent is 18."
The minority leader frowned. "What we really need is proof he
committed some crime in some jurisdiction inside the United States.
It's still never been settled whether a sitting President can be
tried in a regular criminal court, but we don't care about that.
All we need is evidence of such a crime so that the Judiciary
Committee will be able to consider a properly drawn up Bill of
Impeachment. It would be much simpler if he could be convinced to
resign." He looked pointedly at the Chairman.
The Chairman blandly ignored the last remark. "Ah think my
distinguished colleague, benighted though he be in party
affiliation, has summed up ouah problem."
"Well," said the lunar representative, "his wife is suing him for
divorce."
Both men chuckled. "I donb't know how you do things on the Moon,
but down here that's not criminal. Over half the adult population
gets divorced at least once."
"On what grounds."
"Wal, my fust marriage busted up 'cause my wife would let
chickens roost in the garage. Dang, you shoulda seen thet car."
"Didn't want your chickens to drive home to roost, eh, Sam?"
The woman pressed on. "I understand Millicent is charging
adultery."
"Wal, I'd say thet there little lady has purty good evidence."
"She always was too damn religious. Adultery! Why not charge
him with covetting his neighbor's maidservant?" The minority leader
wagged his head in dismay.
"Generally speaking, the Ten Commandments are not incorporated
into the laws, divorce or otherwise, on Luna."
"No, an' they ain't heah, either. But yew all will find thet
down heah we do still enforce some Commandments, like the ones
against theft and murder." She gritted her teeth to keep from
giving an appropriate response.
"Hey, wait, you two! I've got it! There is a crime we can use
as a charge in a Bill of Impeachment: at least I think there is."
The minority leader suddenly deflated as the Chairman and the Lunar
Representative turned to him. "Adultery itself used to be a crime.
If it still is, we've got him."
"Wal, the President lives in the White House, but he's from
Colorado, and still votes from theah. Ah suggest we call the
Legislative Research Service, an' ask them iffn adultery's still on
the books in either D.C. or Colorado."
The Bill of Impeachment was voted out of the House Judiciary
Committee on March 31. The foillowing day the President summoned
the Attorney General and Solicitor General to his office for a
conference on how to fight the charge that adultery constituted an
impeachable high crime or misdemeanor.
"Jack, what's this bull they're trying to pull? We've had damn
few Presidents in the last two hundred years who haven't had girl
friends. Hell, I'll bet George Washington, wooden teeth and all,
had some side action going."
"Mr. President," responded the Attorney General, "I've already
looked into this a bit. It wasn't hard, since the Post did most of
the research for that big article they just ran. Jefferson had kids
by a slave. Cleveland lost a paternity suit. Plenty of more recent
Presidents had affairs, but only Bill Clinton got caught at it. And
his mistake was lying in his denial--that's what he got impeached
for, perjury, not fooling around. Just remember, generally no one
made a big deal out of it until the Presidents were out of office.
But you had to be the first to be photographed with a naked bimbo.
Discretion is what the public really wants. You weren't discreet,
and they want your pimply hide nailed to the wall."
"Not you, too. Please, no more comments."
Soothingly. "Whatever you want, Mr. President, just remember
that if they could prove you guilty of jaywalking, they would make
that an impeachable misdemeanor."
"So how do we beat them?"
The Solicitor General spoke up. "As I see it, defense normally
proceeds from a claim of innocence, but trying that in this case
would succeed only if it made the entire Senate choke to death
laughing at you for suggesting it. The alternative is to prove that
the act is not a crime. In your case that means decriminalizing
adultery, which itself involves having sex with a person to whom one
is not married. This Babette clone clearly is not your wife." The
Solicitor General's lecherous grin irritated the President, but he
waited to see what she was building up to. "Since she's a clone,
maybe we could argue she isn't really a person."
"Schmuck," the President yelled, "you'll have me impeached as
some sort of animal-humping pervert!"
"Won't work anyway," said the Attorney General. "Courts ruled in
2016 that clones are human. Came about when South Carolina claimed
they fell under the 'three-fifths of all others' clause."
"Okay," the Solicitor General said, "Babette is unassailable. So
how do you figure on disproving the adultery?"
"Maybe you weren't legally married? Adultery requires that at
least one participant be married."
The President looked glum. "Come on, now. I've been in politics
all my life. How can you imagine there would be a problem like that
in my background without some opponent having turned it up?
Besides, Millicent made sure we had a fancy church wedding run by a
bishop. Who could question something like that?"
"Well, if you can't attack the act, question the law."
"We've already been through that. She's human, he's married,
they were together, adultery is still a felony in his home state."
"So," said the Solicitor General, "let's see if the law under
which they were married is valid."
The President groaned. "You two are a big help. Colorado's been
a state since 1876. You really think a law that's been around that
long is going to be assailable?"
"Mmm, could be something there. Pity all my legal experience has
been with corporate bonds." The Attorney General looked thoughtful.
"That's the last time I appoint my campaign manager to the
Cabinet! They might get you elected, but they don't know how to
function once they're in the government."
"Uh, Mr. President," the Solicitor General said, "don't you
think you have a slightly more pressing concern than who runs your
next campaign?"
"Great, wise guy. Your last contribution was to suggest finding a
loophole in a law that's been around for two centuries."
"Look, you don't need a loophole. I agree that most likely none
exists. But how about if we ask the Supreme Court to declare the
Colorado marriage law unconstitutional?"
"Marvelous! I'm being impeached for adultery, and she wants to
invalidate every marriage the State of Colorado has ever had. Get
out of here, both of you, I've some heavy thinking to do."
"No, no, Mr. President, I've really got something. Let's
consider why a law may be declared unconstitutional. It can be
excessively vague, which doesn't apply here." The President still
looked skeptical, but he leaned back to listen. The Attorney
General's thoughts seemed to be elsewhere. Perhaps on his next
job. "A law can conflict with some part of the constitution. Maybe
we could argue that the love, honor, and obey part of the marital
vows violate the Fifth Amendment . . ."
The President's suddenly violently flushed face suggested to the
Solicitor General that this idea was not being well received. She
hurried on. "If that won't work, we could attack it through some
other section. Thirteenth Amendment -- no, we'd better not. The
general welfare clause? No, it would be debated to death, and even
though that one's always overused, we'd never get away with it."
"You're wasting my time. I'll get a new Solicitor General."
"Don't be so impatient. People have been getting married in
churches for a long time, and no one has ever before tried
to . . ." Her voice ran down. She obviously had a new thought.
"Well?"
"Let me think this one through. It may work."
There were several minutes of silence. The President got up and
paced the room. The Attorney General went to a window. The
Solicitor General punched several things into a computer terminal,
and studied the response. "Sir, I've got it. The Supreme Court
will almost certainly have to buy this argument, and it's never been
raised before, so far as any records on the computer show."
"What?" The President was yelling again. The Attorney General
turned from the window, eyebrows raised.
"You were married in a church, at a ceremony run by clergy. Even
today marriage is still regarded as a basically religious concept,
even though our laws have been recognizing less formal liaisons as
having validity at least since something called the Marvin Decision
back in 1979. There are also other decisions allowing inheritance,
pension benefits, and the like outside of marriage. So you don't
have to be married for legal rights to adhere. However, legal
disadvantages, such as adultery claims do not adhere in the absence
of marriage. What we'll argue is that since the First Amendment
prohibits an establishment of religion, and since you can have all
the benefits or whatever without ever being married, all the laws
governing marriage, an essentially religious act, and adultery, also
a religious concept, are invalid because of separation of church and
state. If you aren't legally married, you can't be guilty of
adultery, and the criminal charges in the articles of impeachment
disappear."
Four days after the Supreme Court upheld this argument, the three
of them were burned at the stake in the same auto da fe that took
out the Court. Millicent was the honorary chair of the event.