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Updated Sunday 15 May, 2011 12:18 PM |
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This Day in Alternate History Blog
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The Religious Football World Cup
This is a complete nonsense what-the-heck ASB by David Atwell
Sterling: Hello and welcome to our TV broadcast of the final to the World Cup. I’m Peter Sterling. With me, as always, is Ray "Rabs" Warren and Paul "Fatty" Vautin. Warren: Yes, thank you Peter. This is going to be one fantastic match here today. It will certainly answer those all questions asked so far this season. Vautin: And all those questions having been asked ever since the Cup’s first match some 5 000 years ago. Sterling: So, along with those opening remarks, let’s look at the two teams involved in this championship decider. The first team to reach the final this time around was the Non-Believing Cosmos. They’re actually a young team, as these things go in membership of the Cup Division, but they’ve been around for a long time having done their apprenticeship in the Second Division competition. Their form of late, however, has been impressive and they seem to be growing in confidence with every game. Vautin: Yes they’re going to be tough competition for our other finalists today the United Believers. United are the oldest surviving team in the competition, being a foundation club. Whilst other challengers have come and gone, over the centuries, United has always held on regardless with a do or die mentality. And even though they’ve lost much of their strength of late, don’t let that write them off in this final. Warren: Nice summing up there boys. So who do you favour taking out the final? Sterling: I’ve got go with Cosmos. They’ve had a good momentum going all season and that’s going to be hard for United to counter, especially this late in the season. Vautin: I think it’ll be a no-contest Rabs. United will win easily. As the saying goes, when the going gets tough, United will Jihad their arse! Warren: Well viewers, there you have it from our expert team. Personally, I think it’s too close to call at this stage. And on that note, on run the players to the field of play. Sterling: Nice to see Cosmos in their traditional devil red strip. Vautin: Well they’re going to Hell anyways, Pete, so red’s a good colour for them… Sterling: Whilst United are in their traditional sky blue. Vautin: Naturally… Warren: And the referee has tossed the coin. It seems Cosmos has won the toss and they’re going to kick off first. Vautin: It’ll be interesting to see whether they go out to the wing first, which is their traditional play, or try straight up the centre for a change. Sterling: Well they’ve gone straight up and through the centre, Fatty, which is a new ploy for them. Warren: Yes, the forwards for Cosmos have pulled a trick here and the United defenders have been fooled. The Cosmos striker has full control the ball, whilst United are caught flat footed. He’s within striking distance of the goal posts! Vautin: Hey! What’s that? Sterling: It looks like a large hole has opened up right under the ball! It’s sucked the ball down into it! Warren: The referee has called time off as they try to get the ball out of the hole. Sterling: Now that’s freaky. The hole has just closed up and the ball can’t be retrieved! The touch judges have now run onto the field to confer with the ref. Vautin: Talk about attention grabbers. You’d think they’d have something better to do, hey Pete? Sterling: Well it is an extraordinary thing to happen on a football field Fatty. Holes usually just don’t open up on any sporting field then suck down the ball. Vautin: Unlike that woman I saw you with earlier. Warren: Hold on you two, let’s get back to the football, as it seems the referee has decided to restart the match, but is allowing United to kick off to the boos of the Cosmos fans. Sterling: Well that’s just a really bad decision there Rabs. Why does United get the ball? Vautin: This is what happens when the ref on the field refuses to use the video ref. Why do we even bother with the technology when no one uses it? Warren: And now United kicks off to restart the match. There’s some nice passing here and clearly the skills of the United players is outstanding. Sterling: Yes they’ve got the Cosmos defenders in sixes n sevens. This doesn’t look good for the Non-Believers. Vautin: Oh look out! There’s a Cosmos supporter running across the field. He’s just T-boned the United striker and taken off with the ball! Warren: Well I thought I’ve seen everything there is to see on a football field until just now. Sterling: The hooligan has jumped back into the crowd with the ball. Security is after him, but he is also amongst a whole lot of fellow Cosmos fans. Vautin: Here’s hoping it doesn’t end up like the 2000 final. They burnt down the old Eastern Grandstand after the crowd got a bit feral. Sterling: But Fatty that old grandstand deserved to get torched to be honest. Warren: Well finally security has caught the Cosmos hooligan, but the ball is no where to be seen. Thankfully the crowd hasn’t decided to riot over the arrest of their comrade. Vautin: So I guess it’s back to the centre to restart the match hey Rabs? Warren: Yes, it certainly is, as the referee is pointing to the centre once again. Looks like Cosmos is being given the ball. Vautin: Now that’s just plain stupid. Sterling: Let’s call it evens then. Warren: And once more the final of the World Cup kicks off with Cosmos doing the honours. Sterling: And once more United are again in trouble early. It seems they were anticipating that Cosmos would go straight up the middle again, but they’ve gone back to their tried and tested wing attack. Vautin: Look at their left-winger fly! He’s been a great off-season convert for Cosmos. Warren: Yet their centre is screaming for the ball, whilst the Cosmos left-winger is ignoring him. Vautin: That’ll make for an interesting locker room conversation at half-time Rabs Sterling: But look - the left-winger has no one in front of him! He is going for the goal posts with only the goalie to beat! Warren: What the hell was that? Where’s the video replay? Sterling: Now in slow motion replay, here, we can clearly see lightning striking down from above and obliterate the ball. Now if we zoom in here - yes no doubt about it. All that’s left is a circle of ash on the ground where the ball was. It seems, however unlikely, that the Cosmos player is uninjured regardless of his poor acting skills. Warren: Yes, Peter, I don’t think he’ll be getting an Oscar nomination for that performance. Vautin: I don’t know what the Cosmos winger might be thinking right at this moment, but if I was him, I’d be thinking about reconverting right about now… Sterling: Well this final is certainly turning into one extraordinary game. Clearly no one has emerged with a clear advantage so far. Any thoughts as to who may win by the final whistle? Vautin: I’ll be surprised if we make it to half-time at this rate Pete. Warren: And once more the referee has decided to restart the match. It looks like United will be given the ball. Sterling: Where did we get this ref from? Has he even read the rule book? Someone give me the whistle! Vautin: It does make one wonder. And not once has he turned to the video ref for assistance. Warren: Meanwhile United has kicked off restarting the match. The Cosmos defence is better, on this occasion, but still the veteran United forwards are able to make their way through the defence. Vautin: Yes their passing game is much better than the Cosmos game strategy. Cosmos do too much one off stuff for my liking. Sterling: Now the United striker has been passed the ball. He is right in front of the Cosmos goal posts! Vautin: What the hell was that? Where did that come from? Warren: On my goodness. The ball has suddenly, what appears to have been, kicked away by something. Furthermore it’s gone flat! Vautin: There seems to be some commotion coming from the Cosmos Fanatics up in the back of the Southern Grandstand. Warren: Yes our cameras are zooming in on it. There’s some idiot waving around a rifle with a telescopic sight. Security personnel are rushing towards him as we speak. Sterling: It looks like we’ll have to restart the match once again…
My thanks to Moobles @ AH.Com who sparked off my interest in such an absurd ASB football match.
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