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Updated Sunday 15 May, 2011 12:18 PM |
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This Day in Alternate History Blog
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Dubya Tv The Late Show With
Dubya Bush By David Atwell Prelude “You know Laura, I think I’d be
great as a TV show host” claimed Dubya. “Oh really George?” asked a
sceptical Laura Bush. “Yes I do” reclaimed Dubya. “George”, said Jeb Bush, “we’ve
been through all this years before. Even Mom and Dad suggested that you keep as
far away from the media as is humanly possible.” “Well I’ve done fantastic so far as
President. And I’m always on the TV” said Dubya over the remains of the
family diner. “That maybe so, George, but that’s
all prearranged and edited. Plus, if the TV channels don’t give you what you
want, you can cancel their FCC licences next time they fall due. Hosting a live
TV show is a completely different deal. Especially if it’s something like the
Dave Letterman one” explained Jeb. “Oh you mean the Late Show? I was on
that once” reported Dubya excitedly. “Yup. Especially that show & I
know you were on it” answered Jeb. “I can’t agree, Jeb. If I was doing the Late Show, it’d go something like this…” declared Dubya. Introduction
to the Show Dubya walked out onstage to the applause
of the audience at the Ed Sullivan Theater. After the audience had settled down,
Dubya began his opening monologue. “Thank you so much ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to the Late Show. I’m Dubya Bush. Tonight we’ve got one
hell of a show I can tell you. “You know, I got up this morning,
having just gotten back from a park in Botswana, that’s right Botswana, and I
looked around the house wondering if I could turn my house into a zoo. That’s
right, I thought I might turn my house into a zoo. I was thinking that it would
be pretty neat, you know with monkeys, lions, wild animals and stuff. But then,
the local Democrat people turned up, so there wasn’t any need to do anything
as my house turned into a zoo all by itself. “Now everyone in New York City has
gone completely crazy. Yup, they’ve all gone nuts. I was driving to work today
& everyone was doing crazy things. In fact the guy who usually gives me the
finger every day, when I arrive at work, was waving at me instead. Even the
hookers, down at Times Square, said they’d do me for free instead of the usual
fee. “And speaking of the hookers, I’m
told that in LA, they’ve gone out on strike. Apparently the hookers strike is
in response to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger wanting to place a tax on their
‘business activities’. He claims that such a tax will wipe out
California’s debt in little over a year. Wow! Even the leader of the hooker
union claims that the Governor is probably correct in his estimation of the
money collected by such a tax, but the hookers say that they’re taxed enough
already thanks to the groping activities of the Governor. “The Major League Baseball authorities
have finally banned the drug THV. I guess it’s about time we got back to
actually having naturally enhanced ball players & not drug fuelled ones.
Mon, though, isn’t overly happy as she doesn’t know what she can put in her
cocktails any more. “There’s a new reality TV show
coming. It’s going to star Bill Clinton, believe it or not. We’ll see how
life really is like in the White House. I’m told that they’re going to use
the set from the TV show, the West Wing because, obviously, they can’t use the
real thing, but that’s ok. Oh, and the name of this new show is going to be
called ‘Suck It Up!’ It’s a true story. Would I lie to you? Come on!”
laughed a pleading Dubya. “Apparently John Kerry doesn’t know
when a microphone is turned on or not. So his Democratic minders are going to
hire a man who will ensure that Kerry’s microphone is always turned off.
Incidentally, it’s going to be the same guy that made sure Clinton’s fly was
never left open. “And there he is everyone, leader of the CBS Orchestra, Colin Powell!” Dubya said finally as the band played the music as he walked over to his desk. A
Community Announcement “On the show tonight, we’ll have the
usual stuff, along with a brand new world shattering segment. Also, we’ll
have, as our lovely guests, the great Arnold Schwarzenegger & the singer
John Ashcroft” Dubya declared from his desk before taking a drink out of his
coffee cup. “Wow that’s good stuff. Isn’t it good stuff, Colin?” “Sure. It’s the best” replied
Dubya’s sidekick. “Only the best for you Dubya.” “And only the best for our audience,
Colin. But before we get on with the show, I believe Dick Cheney, our announcer,
has a community announcement to make. Over to you Dick” said Dubya. “That’s right and thanks Dubya”
confirmed Cheney. “I have a personal announcement to make for someone special
in Iraq. She’s recently lost her husband, who’s now in jail.” “Gee, that doesn’t sound too good
there Dick” Dubya observed. “No it’s not, Dubya. So I thought
I’d say something to Mrs Hussien to remind her that she’s not alone in this
world” reported Cheney. “Well, ok Dick, go right ahead”
offered Dubya. “I know you must be lonely right now
without your husband, as I too have been lonely without mine. The nights just
grow darker & lonelier every day. I can feel for you Mrs Hussien, we’re
like two lost souls. But there is a solution for both of us. We could meet
somewhere pleasant, somewhere romantic and kiss our loneliness away. You and me
and a warm Arabian night, baby. We could get together and make it happen,”
Cheney pleaded more than suggested. “Ah Dick,” commented a concerned
Dubya. “Let’s go banging in Baghdad,
baby!” shouted a lust crazed Cheney who was obviously acting out a comedy
sketch. “Ah, I think that’s more than enough
of an announcement, Dick” interrupted Dubya “Oh I could show her what it means to
be riding high on Dick” replied Cheney “That’s more than I want to know thanks. Our announcer, Dick Cheney, ladies & gentlemen” Dubya submitted to the audience whilst shaking his head with bewilderment. “We’ll be right back with much more.” Will It Float? “Welcome back. Before we do anything
further, it’s time to play America’s most popular game: Will It Float?!”
said Dubya as the band played the introduction theme music. “So Dick, what’s
the item for tonight?” “Dubya, it’s Saddam Hussein's
moustache” announced Cheney to a laughing audience. “Oh wow, what do you think Colin?”
inquired Dubya. “I think it will float” suggests
Powell. “I don’t know” said a concerned
Dubya. “What’s it wrapped in Dick?” “It’s wrapped in plastic” reported
Cheney. “Any skin, flesh or bone with it?”
Dubya wanted to know. “Any what?” laughed Powell. “Well you never know about these
things” defended a playful Dubya. “No. There’s no skin, flesh or bone
with it” answered Cheney. “I think it will float too” Dubya
finally decided. “Ok, raise the thing!” Up went the curtain to reveal the Will
It Float models, plus the Grinder Girl & the Hoop Girl. “Now standing in
for the Grinder Girl, as she has a gig in Washington tonight, is Donald Rumsfeld.
How’s it going Don?” asked Dubya. “I’m going good, Dubya” replied
Rumsfeld whilst grinding away. “How are you?” “I’m doing good too! How long have
you been doing the Ronald McDonald gig for?” “Four years now Dubya” answered
Rumsfeld. “Oh my, only four years? It seems like
forever” joked Dubya. “Ok, let’s see if the thing floats!” The models dropped Saddam’s moustache
into the Will It Float tank &, sure enough, it floated. “There you go”,
announced Dubya, “It floats! Let’s close out the segment” as the band
played the closing theme music. “Oh wow! Wow! Now that’s something
isn’t? What did you think of Don?” Dubya asked Powell. “It sure is, nothing like it”
replied Powell. “Don was good, but the game itself was fantastic.” “Yes it is. Although, as you know, we
got the idea from a British show called ‘Is It Buoyant?’ Now that was a
great show.” “Yes it was, but this one is better”
confirmed Powell. “Quite,” laughed Dubya with an
English accent. “So where’s the Grinder Girl?”
inquired Powell. “She’s doing a gig in Washington.
Imagine that? What could be better than ‘Will It Float’?” joked Dubya. “Nothing that I’m aware of, although maybe..” Powell let hang in the air. An
All New Segment Dubya finished off Powell’s hung
sentence by saying “Yeah, maybe everything!” After a few seconds of audience
laughter, Dubya got on with the show. “Well now. We’ve got a new segment
that’s going to be world shattering! That’s world shattering stuff right
here on CBS! Forget ‘60 Minutes’, we’ve got it right here on ‘The Late
Show’, don’t you agree Colin?” “Oh, I’d dare say at least world
shattering” acknowledged Powell. “That’s right” agreed Dubya, now
turning back to the audience, “It’s something that we call ‘Will Kim Shit
Himself?’ Here’s how it works. We’ll pick a target somewhere in North
Korea” explained Dubya as Condoleezza Rice walked out onstage with a big map.
“And here’s Connie with out targeting map. Say hi to the folks, Connie.” “Hello” Rice said plainly. “How was your weekend, Connie?”
asked Dubya. “It was all right” answered his
onstage assistant. “Did you do anything interesting?”
Dubya wanted to know “No” replied Rice “How about something boring?” “No” “Do you like being called Connie?” “No” “How about Monty then?” “No” “Shall we get on with the show
then?” “Yes” “Good. Once we’ve picked our target,
I’ll push this button here on my desk after it starts flashing. That’s a
message to tell me the targeting information is locked in. The Air Force boys,
out at Wyoming Air Force Base, have rigged up a fake ICBM which, once I push
this button, will blast off & head for our target. “What kind of ICBM?” laughed Powell. “I don’t know. The air force kind”
Dubya laughed back. “It’s the Mark One Peacekeeper
missile” reported Rice “Is it a good one?” inquired Dubya. “You bet. The best” answered Rice. “Well that’s very reassuring,
Connie. Once we’ve done all that, it then lets see if ‘Kim Shits Himself’.
Ok, are we all ready to play?” asked Dubya, to which the audience yelled out
“Yes!” “So Dick. What target would you
pick?” asked Dubya. “I’d choose Pyongang” said Cheney. “Why?” inquired Dubya. “Because it sounds funny” replied
Cheney. “Well Colin, what’s your target? “I’m going with Dick on this one”
agreed Powell. “So that’s two for Pyongang”
announced Dubya. “What’s your choice Connie?” “I’m going with Pyongang too.” “It looks like our target is Pyongang
ladies and gentleman” declared Dubya. “Ok, now that the boys at Wyoming Air
Force Base know the target, all I have to do is push this flashing red button.
And there she goes. Do we have any TV footage?” “We do indeed, Dubya” reported
Cheney, “Here it is right now” as we see a picture of an ICBM being
launched. “Oh man, that looks like fun. I guess we’ll soon know the answer to our question, ‘Will Kim Shit Himself?’, in just over thirty minutes folks. Stay tuned, we’ll be right back with the Top Ten list & our guest Arnold Schwarzenegger.” The
Top Ten List “Welcome back to the Late Show. I’m
the host Dubya Bush” whilst Powell gave a sneaker. “What’s so funny
Colin?” “Oh nothing. It was just your
infliction” said Powell. “My infliction?” asked Dubya. “Yeah, your infliction. It made you
sound funny” replied Powell. “Well I guess if it gets me a laugh or
two I’ll take it” joked Dubya. “Now were are we? Lets have tonight’s Top
Ten list everybody” as the band started playing the introduction music. “And tonight, from the Home Office of
CBS Portland, Maine” Dubya started saying. “I hear they don’t like you too much
up in Maine, Dubya” Powell cut in saying more than asking. “No they don’t. And don’t ask”
laughed a worried Dubya. “So we’ll never do a show in Maine
then?” inquired Powell. “Hell, does the Show even get
televised there?” Dubya stated more than questioned whilst laughing. “Not to my knowledge” answered
Powell. “Can we get back to the Top Ten list
now?” asked Dubya. “Sure” replied Powell. “And tonight, from the Home Office of
CBS Portland Maine, the Top Ten Surprises In Dan Rather's Interview with Saddam
Hussein: “Ok, number 10. Saddam's responses to
American charges were mainly of the "your momma's so fat" variety. “Number 9. The good laugh they shared
at how wimpy the French are. “Number 8. Saddam kept calling Dan
‘Wolf’. “Number 7. The palpable sexual tension “Number 6. Not only do they get CBS in
Iraq, Saddam loves ‘Becker’ “Number 5. If the United States
invades, Saddam would like us to do it in March, after the Baghdad tulip show “Number 4. Entire interview was Saddam
demonstrating a low-impact aerobic workout “Number 3. Saddam fell for it every
time Dan yelled, ‘Incoming!’ “Number 2. Proudly introduced Dan to
the three relatives he hasn't executed “And the number one surprise in Dan
Rather's interview with Saddam Hussein: Saddam
agreed to disarm if they give him one shot on ‘American Idol’ “And that’s tonight’s Top Ten everyone!” said Dubya as the closing music played. Guest
Time “Now for our first guest, ladies and
gentlemen. He has been a world champion in body building, being far more
successful in that sport than anyone else. He’s also been a star in many
movies, most of them blockbusters. He, himself, is a true star of Hollywood
known throughout the world as the Terminator. Recently, he’s turned his back
on all this to become the current governor of California. Here he is, Governor
Arnold Schwarzenegger” announced Dubya. Schwarzenegger strolled in waving and
smiling to the audience. He then looked towards were Powell was standing and
waved to him too. A few seconds later, he walked over to Dubya to shake hands.
After a few more seconds, both walked towards their respective chairs to sit. “Welcome to the show. It’s been a
while Governor” welcomed Dubya. “Thanks, its my pleasure to be here.
It’s been a while?” asked Schwarzenegger. “I think so. At least a year”
informed Dubya. “Well I wouldn’t say a year is ‘a
while’” humoured Schwarzenegger. “So, how have you been?” inquired
Dubya. “Oh I’ve been busy. Just after I
finished filming Terminator III, I got involved with an election out my way”
Schwarzenegger reported. “And how did that go?” laughed Dubya. Schwarzenegger laugh too. “It went
really well. I managed to kick out a Democrat, then got elected myself whilst
crushing my enemies. So yeah, it went very well.” “And now you’re the Governator, or
so I hear?” joked Dubya. Again Schwarzenegger laughed. “Yes,
from what I’m told, but that’s just media talk. I’m simply a governor
intent on doing a good job. And there’s a lot to do. We’ve got a big defect
to deal with because the Democrats got us in a mess.” “Yes, and you have some interesting
plans in the works in how to deal with it, or so I’ve heard” Dubya stated. “There are many plans being developed
at the moment. And they will be put into effect as soon as we can. California
will be back in business as normal before anyone can sign my replacement for
Terminator IV” gestured Schwarzenegger. “But before all that happens, I must
have some words with you about your opening to the show.” “Who, me?” defended Dubya. “Yes, you. This stuff about the
hookers tax just isn’t true” demanded a good natured Schwarzenegger. “Well that’s what I heard” argued Dubya in a joking fashion. “But, more seriously, there was all that talk about you going around groping women everywhere.” “Well ok then” a consoling Dubya
said. “But there were also claims that you belittle women.” “You know, Dubya, I really love women.
I don’t know what all that fuss was about” defended Schwarzenegger. “I
love them, women that is, so much, I just can’t keep my hands off of them.” “But some, would say, that’s your
problem” suggested Dubya. “My problem? What problem? I think
it’s a sad day when a man can no longer love a woman, let alone touch one.
Does that mean I’ve got to love a man instead? I can’t and will not accept
that” replied Schwarzenegger. “As you have, more or less, put into
law” observed Dubya. “Yes. I’ve said it before, and
I’ve put it into law only last week, that a homosexual marriage should only be
between a man and a woman. There should be no same sex marriages. They can have
their ‘unions’, but not a marriage as such” argued Schwarzenegger. “How much further should this position
of yours go, do you think?” asked Dubya. “I think, when I become President
after your final term, that it should become a Constitutional Amendment that
same sex marriages must be banned. We have to protect our moral and traditional
form of marriage” stated Schwarzenegger. “Oh, and may I add, I must thank
you very much for getting the 28th Amendment through Congress so I
can stand for the Presidential elections in 2008.” “That’s my pleasure, Arnold”
replied Dubya whilst turning towards the audience. “And thanks for coming on
the show. The is Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger everyone. We’ll be right back
with singer John Ashcroft and the answer to our question “Will Kim Shit
Himself?”. Don’t go away.” The Dreamer Awakens “George! George! Quit daydreaming will
you” demanded Laura. “I told you Laura what he can be
like” said Jeb. “Dad thought it was brain damage once, but no, it’s just
George here.” “Very funny, Jeb. And it’s not brain
damage!” protested Dubya. “That’s what I just said” defended
Jeb. “Anyway, what was I doing on this show of yours?” “I don’t know. Maybe you could be
the card holder guy” suggested Dubya. “You mean something like what I did in
Florida during the 2000 election?” laughed Jeb.
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