EXT. – SPACE – UNILEVERCAN
Pan up to reveal the planet Unilevercan, a worldwide sprawl of city. The biggest
streets are highlighted in amber light against the metallic grey background. It
looks like New York and Tokyo copied over an entire planet.
A small fleet of NAJOISEYIAN ALANKEY FIGHTERS flies overhead, followed by the
silver royal ship from the last movie, the HMS BACOFOIL.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – CITYSCAPE – DAWN
The sun is just rising, a low reddish glow in the east.
THE SUN
What’s my motivation?
I’m depressed.
Every other science fiction planet
gets a binary sun or fifteen moons
or something, and what do I have to work with?
THANDE
(VO)
Shut up and get rising!
As the actress said to the bishop.
As the sun resentfully rises, the fleet of Najoiseyian ships skims over the
skyscrapers, their silver sides reflecting in the sunlight.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – LANDING PLATFORM
As seen in the last movie, a skyscraper nearby the vast Senate Capitol building
has a broad roof that serves as a landing platform. The Najoiseyian force lands,
the fighters surrounding the Bacofoil.
A small group of dignitaries waits to greet IRONYUPPIE. One of them, wearing a
tuxedo but recognisable nonetheless, is RADICAL_NEUTURAL.
AUDIENCE
(VO)
Groan! Boo!
(we see the silhouettes of rotten fruit and
vegetables hurled at the screen)
Has Thande gone mad?!!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(to camera)
Mesa luv yuo fcukin crakheds to.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL gives the camera the finger. Naturally, it’s the wrong
finger.
One of the fighters cracks open and a pilot gets out. He removes his helmet to
reveal he is THE SANDMAN. Meanwhile, behind him, the ramp of the BACOFOIL opens
and IRONYUPPIE emerges, flanked by guards.
THE SANDMAN
No trouble after all.
Maybe I was wrong…
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
fmaous lsta words, yuo fckua!
The BACOFOIL suddenly explodes, the force of the blast hurling IRONYUPPIE’s
body against a nearby support pillar and we hear a sickening crack. The ship
itself sags into a flaming hulk.
The camera angle suddenly goes wonky and it flips around to reveal the edge of a
bluescreen set and the face of NEK.
NEK
Sheesh, I’ve heard of twist endings, but two
minutes into the film? Oh well, now IY and
Sharky can never have children so the whole
trilogy is invalidated. Want a beer, David?
DAVID BAR ELIAS
(from behind camera, muffled)
And a baked Alaska.
NEK
Baked with nukes?
DAVID BAR ELIAS
Of course.
The camera is set down awkwardly so we get a weird-angled view of DAVID BAR
ELIAS and NEK walking away.
Then THANDE rushes on with a megaphone and yells into their ears at point-blank
range.
THANDE
GET BACK ON THE SET YOU SLACKERS!
NEK
(rubbing his ears)
It was worth a try.
(pause)
Random unspecified reference
to underage gay sex.
DAVID BAR ELIAS
The U.S. conquers Brazil and sets up
a Zionist state in Uruguay…
THANDE
You can’t get me with your stereotypes.
Back to work or I won’t crack my whip!
NEK
Nooo…anything but that…
The camera is picked back up again and swung around so we go back to the proper
view. THE SANDMAN and RADICAL_NEUTURAL are kneeling beside the fallen IRONYUPPIE.
THE SANDMAN
You have served me well.
THE SANDMAN rips off his face, revealing it’s a mask and it’s IRONYUPPIE
underneath. He does the same to the fallen IRONYUPPIE, revealing "she"
is THE SANDMAN.
THE REAL SANDMAN
(weakly)
I did my duty…
All grows faint…
IRONYUPPIE
Sucks to be you, huh?
At least it gives us an excuse
to kill off a character who’s stopped posting.
THE SANDMAN
Well…death can’t be worse than…
your…dungeon surgery…
IRONYUPPIE
(grinning, clapping him on the back)
That’s the spirit!
THE SANDMAN dies. Behind him, RADICAL_NEUTURAL looks thoughtful.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
hye, i wnoder woh i rlealy am udner tihs?
RADICAL_NEUTURAL grabs hold of his face and manages to tear the corner off,
spilling blood everywhere. While staggering about in pain he slips on the blood
and goes careering off the edge of the building, screaming.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
FCUUUUUUUKKKK!!!
IRONYUPPIE wanders leisurely over to the edge of the building and looks down. We
hear a very final SPLAT.
IRONYUPPIE
(relieved)
Good-
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(distantly)
its ok! i flel in a piel fo odl diused
gyasxeual niuendo!
its niec an sfot an yeildign!
IRONYUPPIE sighs.
IRONYUPPIE
Next time.
IRONYUPPIE walks away. The political PAULSPRING-D2 trundles after her, bleeping
to himself.
EXT. – SENATE CAPITOL – DAY
The capitol building looks just like the US one, but about five hundred times
larger. So large, in fact, that we can see traces of cloud around the lower
tiers. Shuttles are continuously docking there and then pulling out.
INT. – SENATE CHAMBER – DAY
The huge chamber looks as we saw it in the last film, but ten years have seen a
lot of wear and tear. The previous ice-cream theme is looking worn, with only
about half of the chocolate sauce lines working, dozens of nibble marks on the
huge flying meringues on which the senators sit, and similar. Only the huge
knickerbocker glory on which the Supreme Chancellor sits seems complete, down to
the pristine glaciar cherry the size of a beachball. Everyone keeps casting
envious looks at the glory. The room is buzzing with chatter. On the glory,
GRIMM REAPER’s aide IÑAKI bangs his gavel. This is not very effective because
the gavel is made of caramel.
IÑAKI
Order! Order!
The motion to create the Army of the Republic
takes precendence, and this is what we shall vote on!
The murmurs die down slightly. GRIMM REAPER, looking slightly greyer than when
we saw him last time but still with that subtle smirk and ‘I know something
you don’t know’ look in his eye, takes the podium. Which is a giant Cadbury’s
Flake. He keeps absently crumbling bits off to stuff in his mouth.
GRIMM REAPER
My esteemed colleagues…excuse me…
(stuffs mouth full of crumbly chocolate, eyes roll up in ecstacy)
Mmm…milky goodness…
(pulls himself together)
I have just heard disturbing news – Senator
IronYuppie of Najoisey, my own home system,
has been assassinated!
Shock silence.
GRIMM REAPER
This is a grievous blow to us all!
(winks)
I daresay it wouldn’t have happened if we’d
had that army, you know…
THE GUNSLINGER
Why could not the Kitjedi prevent this?
FILO
(sneers)
The Kitjedi are nothing!
The Republic needs more security
and we will not get it from their quarter!
GRIMM REAPER
May I remind the Senators that peace is still
our preferred solution here…
…and if you believe that you’ll believe anything…
The SENATORS continue arguing loudly. In the midst of it all, IRONYUPPIE and her
aides – including a dishevelled RADICAL_NEUTURAL – quietly board their
meringue and fly out into the centre of the room.
IRONYUPPIE
Senators! Listen to me or I’ll utilise
your intestines for hosiery accessories!
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated!
Cheers are mixed with screams as several Senators are stunned with cliché
poisoning and topple off their meringues to their deaths.
GRIMM REAPER
(recovering magnificently)
Good…to see you among the living, Senator.
IRONYUPPIE
Indeed. I have escaped death and I will
continue to fight against the creation of an army.
GRIMM REAPER
Isn’t that sort of ironic?
IRONYUPPIE
One more word out of you and I’ll resort to the
"you can’t fight in here, this is the war room" line.
GRIMM REAPER
(raising hands)
No! No more clichés!
IRONYUPPIE
No army! No war!
Violence must remain pure and in
a solely sexual setting…
Rumbles of undercurrents and groans from Senators.
IRONYUPPIE
Surely none of you want war and bloodshed?
FILO
(out of the corner of his mouth)
I think she’s saying we’re violent.
THE GUNSLINGER
(whispering back)
How dare she? Let’s kill her!
The argument becomes even louder. GRIMM REAPER raises his hand as IÑAKI bangs
his gavel again. The head comes off and he begins chewing it.
GRIMM REAPER
Enough…
The vote on the army creation bill
is adjourned to tomorrow.
(smiles predatorily)
Let us hope that our…personality conflicts
are resolved by then.
…one way or another…
EXT. – THE COLOURLESS HOUSE – UNILEVERCAN – DAY
The camera pans across the massive skyscrapers making up the Unilevercan
skyline. On top of one of the skyscrapers, sticking out broadly on the narrow
stalk like a mushroom, is a huge replica of the White House. However, it’s
transparent for purposes of Political Correctness, though this means everyone
can see the politicians in their baths. Feel free to consider the implications
for yourself.
Pan through one of the clear walls and…
INT. – THE COLOURLESS HOUSE – GRIMM REAPER’S OFFICE – DAY
GRIMM REAPER is sitting in a suspiciously throne-like chair behind a massive oak
desk, on which are dozens of lava lamps, Newton’s cradles and other office
toys. Standing behind him are two female bodyguards with razor spears and
wearing form-fitting bodysuits with election maps on. Sitting across from GRIMM
REAPER, in the other chairs, are the senior Kitjedi KITJED21, SATYRANE, BIRDIE
and GREY WOLF. KITJED21 has visibly aged since the last movie, more than you
would expect in ten years, and his hair is grey.
GRIMM REAPER
I don’t know how long I can hold off this vote.
More and more systems are joining the separatists.
…which of course is exactly what I had intended…
GREY WOLF
Um, if they do secede-
(thoughtfully)
Or is it succeed?
(annoyed)
Fuck, I’ve forgotten!
SATYRANE
(clearing his throat diplomatically)
Yes, if the Separatists secede…
GRIMM REAPER
I will not let that happen!
GRIMM REAPER emphatically bangs his hand on his desk, with the result that all
his office toys jump up in the air and move one inch to the right. The Newton’s
cradles start clicking away.
KITJED21
(soothingly)
But. If they do…
BIRDIE
You must realise, there aren’t enough
Kitjedi to protect the Republic from them.
(preens)
We are peacekeepers, not soldiers.
SATYRANE
Pshaw! That’s merely Orwellian doublethink!
(enthusiastically)
Let’s have a long debate about semantics
and etymology in relation to political-
KITJED21
(coughs pointedly)
Anyway…
GRIMM REAPER
(searching out KITJED21’s eyes)
Master Kitjed, do you really think it will come to war?
KITJED21
(closes his eyes meditatively)
I see far worse than war in the future, look you.
GRIMM REAPER
(keenly, almost hungrily)
What do you see?
KITJED21
Impossible, to see, look you.
The Straight Side clouds everything…
SATYRANE
Are you sure that’s not just the
three rounds of cheese on toast
you had for breakfast?
KITJED21
(glaring at him)
Yes.
(back to GRIMM REAPER)
However, I am resolved on one thing.
Wales expects that every Kitjedi will do his duty.
GRIMM REAPER
That is all I can ask…
IÑAKI walks in.
IÑAKI
Sir, the United Republic Loyalist
committee is here to see you.
GRIMM REAPER
By all means.
The committee arrives. It consists of the Senators IRONYUPPIE, RADICAL_NEUTURAL,
THE GUNSLINGER and FILO.
KITJED21
(addressing IRONYUPPIE)
Good to see you alive, Senator, is it?
Warms my heart it does…
(hastily)
Though not anything lower than that obviously.
IRONYUPPIE
(laughs)
You haven’t seen what I can do with a
stick of celery and a bowl of putty.
(pause)
Do you have any idea who was behind this attack?
KITJED21
(uncomfortably)
Er…Master Wolf?
GREY WOLF
Our intelligence points to some disgruntled
Najoiseyian miners…
IRONYUPPIE
What, because they can’t go into bars?
SATYRANE
That’s miners with an E, Senator.
IRONYUPPIE
(glaring at him)
I know what I mean. We banned miners
from going into bars after the third landlord
was blinded by someone hanging their pickaxe
on the bar optics.
SATYRANE
Er…
Oh.
IRONYUPPIE
(turning away)
Anyway, I don’t believe you’re right.
I suspect Count Dearborn was behind it.
General exchanges of surprised looks.
THE GUNSLINGER
That is a very serious accusation!
GREY WOLF
Um, Dearborn was once a Kitjedi.
BIRDIE
He may have left us, but he would not
stoop to assassination…
KITJED21
In these dark times nothing is what
it seems to be, is it?
(meditatively)
The fact remains that, either way, you
are in danger, Senator.
Pause while everyone thinks.
GRIMM REAPER
We need to beef up your security.
IRONYUPPIE
(glaring at him)
I don’t see how more guards would help.
GRIMM REAPER
No, but how about a Kitjedi…
An old friend…
GREY WOLF
Um, Master Lombardi?
GRIMM REAPER
(smiling)
Precisely.
A pause as the Kitjedi exchange looks.
GREY WOLF
It’s possible. He’s just returned after
settling a border dispute on Planet Which
Some Halfassed Writer Who Has Nothing
Better To Do Will Write An Entire Book
About Which Somehow Manages To
Contradict This Line Of Dialogue Despite
Being Based Entirely On It.
IRONYUPPIE
Wow, long planet name!
GREY WOLF
You should see the locals.
(shudders)
IRONYUPPIE
Look, I don’t need any more protection…
KITJED21
Please, Senator, look you.
Do this for us if not for yourself…
IRONYUPPIE
(sighs)
Very well.
EXT. – SENATE APARTMENTS – UNILEVERCAN – NIGHT
The Senate apartments are in a series of graceful skyscrapers which glitter with
thousands of white and amber lights in the Unilevercan night. We see a white dot
moving upwards; a lift climbing up the outside of the building.
INT. – SENATE APARTMENTS – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
The doors to a lift open and two figures step out. Both are wearing Kitjedi
robes.
On the left is DOCTOR WHAT, who looks somewhat more patrician and serious than
he did in the last film. A much-dented saxophone is sticking out of his robe’s
pocket.
On the right is LANDSHARK, now in his late teens. He has the massive afro of a
Paddywack-learner, and sitting on top of it is an absurdly large backwards
baseball cap. The words ‘ACME Teenage Rebel Backwards Baseball Cap’ are
actually printed on it. However, LANDSHARK has carefully crossed out the word
‘baseball’ and written ‘silly kid’s sport played by girly colonials’.
LANDSHARK also has acne and a sulky expression.
LANDSHARK
Well, that was certainly an interesting
mission to Planet Which
Some Halfassed Writer Who Has Nothing
Better To Do Will Write An Entire Book
About Which Somehow Manages To
Contradict This Line Of Dialogue Despite
Being Based Entirely On It…
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, good job both sides like saxophone music, eh?
DOCTOR WHAT pulls out his saxophone and is about to put his lips to it.
LANDSHARK
(hastily)
No need to demonstrate, I was there, I remember…
DOCTOR WHAT shrugs and puts the instrument away. As he does so, a familiar
figure rounds the turn of the corridor. It’s RADICAL_NEUTURAL, and as he spots
them, he becomes extremely excited, jumping up and down, hugging them and
dribbling on them.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
hye! dcotor waht lmobradi!
luvli too ese u agian, yuo fcukin crakehda!
DOCTOR WHAT
Er – thanks, Rad Rad.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
adn tihs si yuor pddyawack lurna?
(sudden recognition)
its lnadie! lnadie woh svaed ym lief!
LANDSHARK
(leaning away from RADICAL_NEUTURAL’s flying spit)
You know, here and now I’m finding it hard to remember
why I did that.
DOCTOR WHAT
I know the feeling.
INT. – IRONYUPPIE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
IRONYUPPIE is discussing something with her remaining guards when the doors open
and RADICAL_NEUTURAL, DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK come in.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
hye yppuie! loko wohs cum too cee u!
DOCTOR WHAT bows before IRONYUPPIE, who rises to meet them. LANDSHARK gapes at
her for a moment in a teenage male way before hastily following suit.
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s a great pleasure to see you again, Senator.
IRONYUPPIE
It has been far too long, Master Lombardi.
I must tell you, I do fear your participation here
is unnecessary.
DOCTOR WHAT
(agreeably)
Absolutely, I’ll just do the background music
and camerawork, you and your female bodyguards
get on with it by yourselves…
IRONYUPPIE
(patiently)
I meant as the security detail.
DOCTOR WHAT
(disappointedly)
Oh.
IRONYUPPIE glances at LANDSHARK.
IRONYUPPIE
Landie? You’ve grown!
LANDSHARK
(faintly, as though all the blood
has rushed from his head)
Quite a lot in just the last fifteen seconds.
IRONYUPPIE
(laughs)
To me you’ll always be that little
boy who I met on Arrakisimeantatooine.
LANDSHARK
(embarrassed, disappointed)
Er…and you’ll always be that little girl
er…breasts bum sex er…did I say that out loud?
DOCTOR WHAT
(hastily)
You won’t notice we’re here, Senator.
IRONYUPPIE
(frowning)
If you want to be useful, how about
finding out who’s trying to kill me?
LANDSHARK
Yeah, let’s do that.
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s not in our orders!
(draws himself up)
I forbid it!
LANDSHARK
(teenage tantrum)
Cuh, that is SO UNFAIR!!!
LANDSHARK storms off.
DOCTOR WHAT
(to IRONYUPPIE)
I apologise for my apprentice’s conduct…
(glares at his retreating back)
IRONYUPPIE
If I remember correctly from Arrakisimeantatooine
all those years ago, you can go a long way to making
him do your bidding with a pair of balloons, a tub
of margarine and some inventive role-playing…
DOCTOR WHAT
(impressed)
Wow, that’s way beyond strangely arousing, that’s
into ‘bizarrely stimulating’ territory.
IRONYUPPIE
(happily)
I know!
EXT. – KITJEDI TEMPLE – NIGHT
The phallic shape of the Kitjedi Temple is silhouetted against the Unilevercan
night sky.
INT. – KITJEDI TEMPLE – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
KITJED21 and GREY WOLF pace meditatively down a long hallway, discussing
matters.
GREY WOLF
Um, why couldn’t we foresee this attack on the Senator?
KITJED21
This disturbance in the Innuendo is masking the future.
GREY WOLF
(sighing)
Then the prophecies are coming true…
The Straight Side is gaining power once more.
KITJED21
And only those who have surrendered to the
Heteroendo can now sense the possibilities of
the future.
GREY WOLF
It’s been ten years since that incident, and still
the Miffed haven’t shown themselves. Do you still
think they’re behind this?
KITJED21
A certainty.
GREY WOLF
Um, and do you still think Doctor-What’s apprentice
can bring balance to the Innuendo?
KITJED21
(laughs)
If he doesn’t kill the lot of us first.
GREY WOLF joins him in his laughter.
INT. – SENATE APARTMENTS – NIGHT
We pan through several rooms. IRONYUPPIE in a large double bed, with a massive
window showing the night skyline outside – then through the wall to where
LANDSHARK is hunched over a series of displays and speakers showing IRONYUPPIE’s
room. DOCTOR WHAT enters.
DOCTOR WHAT
(eyeing the displays)
I didn’t think we were budgeted for surveillance
equipment as advanced as this.
LANDSHARK
We weren’t, I brought this along myself.
(stares at IRONYUPPIE; dreamily: )
She’s so hot…
DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head. Then he frowns at one of the displays.
DOCTOR WHAT
She’s also replaying the same tossing and turning every thirty seconds.
LANDSHARK
WHAT?
DOCTOR WHAT
She can’t have liked you perving at her.
I think she stole a trick from an old flopped
Bruce Willis movie that, given that it involved
Leonardo da Vinci and a Catholic secret service,
was clearly ahead of its time.
LANDSHARK
WHAT??!!
DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t worry. She told me that she’d programmed
PaulSpring-D2 to alert her if anything went wrong…
EXT. – SENATE APARTMENTS – OUTSIDE IRONYUPPIE’S WINDOW – NIGHT
As IRONYUPPIE sleeps, a CAMERA-HAIRDRYER (as seen in the last film)
hovers past and the camera eye stares through the window…
Pan across to the balcony on the building across the street, on which two
figures are standing. Both are heavily armed bounty hunters. One is wearing the
same ManDeLorean armour of BULGAROKTONOS from the original film trilogy, but new
and pristine and undented. This is WEAPON M, and he has massive bandoliers of
cartridges crisscrossing his chest and a variety of obvious firearms as well as
others hidden within the armour.
The other figure is a lithe woman wearing a bodysuit and with dozens of knives
and other bladed weapons at her belt. This is SBEGIN. Both of them are staring
at a flickering display panel which shows a view of IRONYUPPIE; it’s clearly a
feed from the CAMERA-HAIRDRYER across the street.
SBEGIN
(suspiciously)
Are you sure about this assassination method?
Seems a bit…unorthodox…
WEAPON M
Hell yeah!
I got the idea from a very successful film…
CUT TO – The interior of a passenger jet, with all the passengers screaming
and falling as they are shot and stabbed by several DRAKA STORMTROOPERS who’ve
been ISOT’d there. The only thing that stands in there way is a lone figure,
played by GREY WOLF, holding a taser gun.
GREY WOLF
I want these motherfucking Snakes
off this motherfucking Plane!
CUT BACK TO – previous scene.
SBEGIN
Yes, but…
WEAPON M
Shh, here we go.
(impassively)
I have to leave, I have other errands…
SBEGIN ignores him and keeps looking at the display as WEAPON M blasts away
using his jetpack. The camera zooms in through the display and we revert to the
previous view of IRONYUPPIE, with the CAMERA-HAIRDRYER hovering outside.
The camera-hairdryer flips open a hatch and extracts a diamond cutter, which it
uses to cut a hole through the window. PAULSPRING-D2 spots this and lights it up
with a spotlight.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeble bleep?
(translation: )
Hey, are you an illegal immigrant from Mexico?
CAMERA-HAIRDRYER
Bleep bleep.
(translation: )
No, I’m an assassin sent here to kill er…
to kill treacherous liberal lefties.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeeep!
(translation: )
Well that’s all right then!
The CAMERA-HAIRDRYER opens another compartment and from it come two
deadly-looking snakes. Hissing, they crawl over the floor, around PAULSPRING-D2,
and up into IRONYUPPIE’s bed…
Tight on – IRONYUPPIE’s face as the snakes burrow under the covers. Focus on
one of the snakes as it approaches an obviously female leg – its head comes
back –
DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK burst into their room, their Sexswords out, rigid and
glowing. DOCTOR WHAT slices up one of the snakes immediately, but LANDSHARK is a
shade too slow and the other one manages to bite into the leg before he kills
it.
LANDSHARK
Noooo!!!
IRONYUPPIE wakes up and glares at him.
IRONYUPPIE
Do you mind? I…
She picks up the covers and looks under them.
IRONYUPPIE
(annoyed)
Bummer! Another one lost!
She peels back the covers to reveal that at the bottom of the bed are her entire
cohort of female bodyguards, naked except for the handcuffs and chains attaching
them together and to her, and one of them has a snake fastened into her leg.
DOCTOR WHAT
I find this, oh, hell, you know the drill by now…
DOCTOR WHAT looks out of the window and catches sight of the CAMERA-HAIRDRYER.
DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
A camera-hairdryer!
(changes tone of voice)
Which got pictures of all this!
I must have them!
Swinging his Sexsword, DOCTOR WHAT slices through the window, leaps out over the
abyssal street thousands of miles deep, and manages to grab hold of the
CAMERA-HAIRDRYER. He’s too heavy for its downward thrust and it immediately
begins an unstable curve downwards, intersecting with several busy air-traffic
lanes.
DOCTOR WHAT
(distantly, dopplering)
COOOOOOOLLL!!!
MUCH BETTER THAN SKYDIVING!!!
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE watch him go.
LANDSHARK
I suppose I’d better go and rescue him…
In the background, we can see SBEGIN hastily get into a hovercar and chase after
DOCTOR WHAT.
~~
EXT. – CONCRETE CANYONS OF UNILEVERCAN – NIGHT
Still holding onto the drunkenly weaving camera-hairdryer, DOCTOR WHAT goes
speeding through the night. All around him, lines of hovercars shoot past and
pip their horns at him.
DOCTOR WHAT
(impatiently)
Skyhogs!
DOCTOR WHAT pulls out his saxophone and toots back, then turns it into an
irregular jazz variation. Two more little hatches open on the side of the
camera-hairdryer and a pair of tiny robot hands on articulated arms come out,
jabbing their fingers into the hairdryer’s "ears".
DOCTOR WHAT
(glancing up)
Everyone’s a critic.
The CAMERA-HAIRDRYER’s hands begin poking and prodding at DOCTOR WHAT’s,
trying to make him lose his grip.
DOCTOR WHAT
(through clenched teeth)
I think not!
DOCTOR WHAT gets one of his hands into the hatch and yanks out a wire. The
camera-hairdryer’s robot hands immediately freeze…and the engine cuts out
with a splutter. DOCTOR WHAT and the hairdryer drop like a stone.
DOCTOR WHAT
Bugger!
He hastily reconnects the wire and flight is resumed, but the hairdryer keeps
attacking him.
DOCTOR WHAT
(looking around)
Come on, Landie…
EXT. – OUTSIDE SENATE APARTMENTS – NIGHT
LANDSHARK is pondering over a row of hovercars, while IRONYUPPIE stands beside
him wearing a nightgown.
LANDSHARK
That one…no…that one looks most
like a battleship…wait, that one sets off
the colour of this robe so much better…
IRONYUPPIE
Hadn’t you better go and rescue Master Lombardi?
LANDSHARK
(dismissively)
Yes, yes.
(pause)
Do you want me to?
IRONYUPPIE
Yes!
LANDSHARK
(suave grin)
Then it would be my pleasure.
LANDSHARK kisses her hand and leaps into his chosen hovercar, then speeds away
in the direction of DOCTOR WHAT. IRONYUPPIE stares in surprise at him, then the
back of her hand, and then back at the chase as she absently brushes the back of
her fingers against her lips…
EXT. – ABOVE UNILEVERCAN – NIGHT
DOCTOR WHAT is still grimly hanging on to the CAMERA-HAIRDRYER. It now tries to
knock him off by flying towards overhanging bridges, cables etc and veering away
at the last minute.
DOCTOR WHAT
Much more of this and
I think I’ll cough up my liver.
Behind and overhead, we see SBEGIN on her own aircar, staring down angrily at
DOCTOR WHAT. She pulls a pair of long throwing knives out of her belt and hurls
them at him.
We hear a THOK, THOK and DOCTOR WHAT looks up in mild annoyance. The two knives
have stapled his hands to the camera-hairdryer.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sounding more irritated than pained)
Oww. That really hurt.
SBEGIN
(swearing)
Dammit! Try again…
SBEGIN pulls out a longer knife and throws it. This one hits the
CAMERA-HAIRDRYER itself and it explodes in a shower of sparks. DOCTOR WHAT’s
hands are freed and he begins to fall.
DOCTOR WHAT
FLYYY YOUU FOOLS!!
SBEGIN
Yes!!
DOCTOR WHAT’s falling body lands in LANDSHARK’s aircar as it shoots past
below.
SBEGIN
Dammit!!
DOCTOR WHAT
(wind knocked out of him)
Phew, thanks, Landie!
LANDSHARK
(glancing over his shoulder absently)
Oh, it’s you.
SBEGIN’s aircar speeds off into the distance. LANDSHARK pursues, driving
recklessly, causing chaos as he zips through numerous lanes of traffic and sends
other aircars spinning off and away to crash into buildings. DOCTOR WHAT hangs
onto his hood desperately.
DOCTOR WHAT
Landie!! At this rate you’ll kill me on
an as yet unconstructed battle station in
a Sexsword battle in the future!
LANDSHARK
You might want to tone down the
ironic foreshadowing joke there, Master.
SBEGIN turns around and hurls knives at them a few times, starring LANDSHARK’s
windscreen with cracks.
LANDSHARK
(tutting)
That’s completely destroyed the pleasing symmetry!
The two aircars pull alongside each other. SBEGIN fires, DOCTOR WHAT deflects
the energy bolts with his Sexsword, then makes a wild slash that causes one of
SBEGIN’s engines to explode and emit sparks and smoke. SBEGIN peels off, away
from the residential district and through a huge industrial plain covered with
oil processing plants that belch bursts of flame.
LANDSHARK chases SBEGIN through the plain, and they dive in and out of small
gaps in scaffolding, avoid the flame blasts, etc. etc. As they shoot past one
particularly forbidding chimney, NEK steps out from behind it.
NEK
In case it wasn’t obvious, we’re going to be
releasing a computer game which features this bit.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – INDUSTRIAL HELLHOLES - NIGHT
LANDSHARK tries to get under a low bridge, misjudges it, has to slow down to go
around, and he falls behind SBEGIN.
DOCTOR WHAT
(cursing)
We’ll never catch her now!
LANDSHARK
(thoughtfully)
She’s heading for the Seedy Area™.
I know a short cut…
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s nothing, I know twenty!
The aircar dives off down an obscure side passage.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – SEEDY AREA™ - NIGHT
SBEGIN’s aircar pulls out of a gap between two skyscrapers and comes to a halt
in midair. All around her, the buildings are covered with neon signs in
Chinese-like indecipherable ideograms, and posters and video screens showing bad
adverts or obscene images. Most of the buildings nearby seem to be seedy bars
and clubs or sorts.
SBEGIN
(smiling to herself)
Lost them…
DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK’s aircar suddenly shoots up out of a nearby manhole (absurdly)
and, as it passes overhead, LANDSHARK leaps out and lands in the back of SBEGIN’s
aircar. SBEGIN turns around and whips out a long knife, which she tries to use
to parry LANDSHARK’s Sexsword – of course it just gets cut through. But she
has a laser pistol as well and keeps him back, forcing him to use his sword to
deflect the bolts. In so doing, LANDSHARK’s wild swings slice into the aircar
itself, and more sparks and smoke rise up.
The aircar gives a cough and descends to the streets below, sliding along and
crashing with a grinding shriek and more sparks. LANDSHARK is knocked over by
the impact and SBEGIN leaps out, then dives into the nearest club. Picking
himself up, LANDSHARK runs after her. Behind him, DOCTOR WHAT sets down their
own aircar and follows at a more sedate pace.
DOCTOR WHAT
The boy must learn patience.
Perhaps it is time to cover the Tantric disciplines…
(shrugs)
I’m going to get a drink.
INT. – THE WELCOMING BUTTOCKS CLUB – NIGHT
The interior is very flashy and neon, with several obvious ladies of easy virtue
around, some of them alien, and other seedy characters. LANDSHARK is chasing
SBEGIN through the crowd, not very successfully. Ignoring this, DOCTOR WHAT
walks up to the bar. The barman, OBERDADA, glances up.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll have two triple vodkas with double
tequila slammers and a drizzle of Viagra.
OBERDADA is about to pour them out when DOCTOR WHAT frowns and raises a hand to
stop him.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wait, Landie might want something too…
A sleazy figure in a black coat, JOHAN (FIREBLADE), swaggers up to DOCTOR
WHAT and puts his hand on his shoulder in a faux-friendly way.
JOHAN (FIREBLADE)
Hey friend, wanna buy some death sticks?
DOCTOR WHAT
(not looking around)
You really need to work on your marketing
campaign there. Not the most attractive name for a drug.
JOHAN (FIREBLADE)
(annoyed)
So is that yes or no?
DOCTOR WHAT sighs and makes a significant gesture.
DOCTOR WHAT
You will leave me alone.
JOHAN (FIREBLADE)
(eyes go blank, parroting)
I will leave you alone.
DOCTOR WHAT
You will go home, start a family
and have a son called Straha who
will then pester me in a near
identical situation twenty-two years
from now on Arrakisimeantatooine…
JOHAN (FIREBLADE)
I will, uh…
(frowning)
I can’t remember all that.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Just go.
As JOHAN (FIREBLADE) walks away in a trancelike state, DOCTOR WHAT sips
his drinks and turns to the nearest scantily clad girl.
DOCTOR WHAT
(making significant gesture)
You find me strangely arousing…
As the girl’s eyes begin to glaze over, we see the silhouette of the muzzle of
a gun about to poke in DOCTOR WHAT’s back. Without looking, he suddenly makes
a dramatic, unrealistic backflip and lands behind SBEGIN (for of course it is
she). His Sexsword is out and slicing the gun away from her hand.
The crowd screams and people edge away from the confrontation. LANDSHARK is
still hurrying up behind them and, as SBEGIN tries another attack with a knife,
he strikes out wildly and cuts her knife arm off with his Sexsword. She
collapses with a shout of pain.
DOCTOR WHAT glares at LANDSHARK.
DOCTOR WHAT
That wasn’t necessary!
LANDSHARK
She was going to stab you!
DOCTOR WHAT
I could have handled it!
Pause as they glare at each other, then notice that everyone is staring at them.
LANDSHARK
No matter here. No trouble.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll take full responsibility.
Nodding, satisfied, the seedy characters go back to their business. Meanwhile,
and giving each other dirty looks, LANDSHARK and DOCTOR WHAT pick up SBEGIN and
take her outside.
EXT. – OUTSIDE THE CLUB – NIGHT
Awkwardly, they lay SBEGIN on the bed of their aircar. In the background, there
is a suggestion of a familiar silhouette on a balcony of a nearby building…
DOCTOR WHAT
Who were you trying to kill?
SBEGIN
(spitting)
I will never talk!
DOCTOR WHAT puts his hand on the stump of her arm and closes his eyes; we have
the feeling that power is flowing.
SBEGIN
(sighing)
That feels good…
DOCTOR WHAT
You ought to see what I can do with my mouth.
(eyes narrow)
Now, if you want the pain to stay away,
who were you trying to kill?
SBEGIN looks at DOCTOR WHAT in shock and betrayal, LANDSHARK in grudging
respect.
SBEGIN
I…I was to assassinate the Senator for Najoisey…
DOCTOR WHAT
Who hired you?
SBEGIN
Does it matter? The next assassin will
only get her anyway…
LANDSHARK
Who??
SBEGIN
All right…it was a bounty hunter named-
We hear a ‘thwip’ sound and suddenly a metal dart is buried in her chest.
She looks down in shock and horror. DOCTOR WHAT instantly whips his head around
and we see a dark figure flying off into the night on a column of fire, using
his jet pack.
DOCTOR WHAT
Damned dramatic assassination before
the crucial word narrative convention…
LANDSHARK pulls out the dart and sniffs it.
LANDSHARK
Poison!
SBEGIN sighs and slumps, already dead. As she does so, her features melt and
change from those of a beautiful woman to a strange, squat alien with beady
eyes.
LANDSHARK
She’s a Quebecois!
A shape-shifter!
DOCTOR WHAT takes the metal dart from LANDSHARK and looks at it thoughtfully.
DOCTOR WHAT
Then I think I know someone who may be able
to help us find out who did this.
~~
INT. – SENATE APARTMENTS – IRONYUPPIE’S APARTMENT – DAY
IRONYUPPIE, looking unhappy, turns to RADICAL_NEUTURAL.
IRONYUPPIE
Senator Neut…
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(salutes drunkenly)
yse u fcukin crakhead?
IRONYUPPIE
I am giving you my voting power
while I am away. Do not abuse it.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(slowly)
yuo wnat rad rad NTO ot aubse
smoetihng?
IRONYUPPIE
Yes. Or…
(we see the glint of a knife)
I’ll make sure you don’t abuse
anything ever again.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
ho siht. ok.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL backs out of the room, LANDSHARK comes in. He’s dressed for
travelling.
IRONYUPPIE
(angrily)
I don’t like this idea of hiding.
LANDSHARK
Don’t worry. Now the Council’s ordered
an investigation, it shouldn’t take Master
Lombardi too long to find that bounty hunter.
(snorts)
Especially if it’s a hot lesbian bounty hunter.
IRONYUPPIE
(frustrated)
I haven’t worked for a year to defeat the
military creation act not to be here when it’s voted on.
LANDSHARK
Yes.
A pause as they both pull out their scripts and read them slowly.
BOTH
(simultaneously)
Thande’s romantic dialogue sucks. Can we just go?
Pause as they both stare at each other, then grin, link arms and leave.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN SKYLINE – TRAMP FREIGHTER
A beat-up tramp freighter rises from the surface of Unilevercan and roars off
into the night.
INT. – TRAMP FREIGHTER – DAY
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK are disguised as refugees. PAULSPRING-D2 is with them.
IRONYUPPIE
PaulSpring? Go and get us some food.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleepble bleep bleeple.
(translation: )
What did your last slave die of?
IRONYUPPIE
(nastily)
Sexual exhaustion.
PAULSPRING-D2 backs away.
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop, beep boop!
PAULSPRING-D2 goes off to the canteen. In the background, a tired looking
LANDSHARK is slumped on a chair.
A dishevelled character, PRIMERAML, sidles up to IRONYUPPIE and nudges her with
his elbow.
PRIMERAML
Hey, want to buy a cheap Nigerian iPod for
only 35 cents? Just give me all your money now and…
IRONYUPPIE, without turning round, shoots out her hand and snaps his neck in one
swift motion. The spammer collapses. With a faint grin, IRONYUPPIE turns toward
LANDSHARK, who has now dozed off and is restlessly moving.
LANDSHARK
(mumbled)
No…no Mother…no…
NO NOT THE FACE!
He wakes up with a start.
IRONYUPPIE
Nightmare?
LANDSHARK
Just remembering my mother.
(shudders)
IRONYUPPIE
Ah, yes, N-reD…
(she smiles in remembrance)
LANDSHARK
(hastily changing the subject)
It’ll be good to see Najoisey again.
It may be full of damned colonials
but at least those Irritatingungans
are all gone now.
IRONYUPPIE
Except Rad Rad.
(annoyed)
We really need a constitutional reform,
it’s no good each race having one senator
if there’s only one of him…
INT. – SENATE CHAMBER – DAY
A brief shot of GRIMM REAPER staring at RADICAL_NEUTURAL, standing unsteadily
atop IRONYUPPIE’s meringue as it floats in the middle of the room.
GRIMM REAPER
I’m sorry? You want to propose a motion for what?
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
taht we lal paly mosraic reath!
i cliam nazi-piarte srebia!
yuo cna hvae cthulthu reallpoltick japan!
GRIMM REAPER
(to himself)
Interesting…
(strokes his goatee)
I may have use for this one…
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – SKYSCRAPER – DAY
The busy Unilevercan skyline. We focus on one particular building, which has a
brightly-signposted restaurant FLOATING atop it, with a visible gap between the
top of the building and the bottom of the restaurant. It’s flying a flag with
a white cross and four fleur-de-lys. The name of the restaurant is ‘LE CAFÉ
SEPARATISTIQUE’.
INT. – LE CAFÉ SEPARATISTIQUE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT walks in; the door jingles as he pushes it open. The interior of the
café is very French. HASHEMITE is seated at a piano and playing something
angrily. FORTYSEVEN is playing an accordion discordantly. THE UBBERGEEK and
VALAMYR are seated at a chessboard. And behind the bar is REDEM.
REDEM
Doctor What? Mon ami vieux!
DOCTOR WHAT
Redem. Good to see you again.
They laugh, shake hands and hug in a manly male bonding heterosexual sort of
way.
REDEM
So what can I get you? I have some girls
upstairs who can do amazing things with
a flying helmet and an eggwhisk…
DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
No.
(thoughtful)
Well, maybe later.
DOCTOR WHAT rummages in his pockets. As he does so, FORTYSEVEN walks up to REDEM
wearing a false moustache.
FORTYSEVEN
(raising his glasses)
It is I, fortyseven.
REDEM
Yes, I know that.
FORTYSEVEN walks away. DOCTOR WHAT finally finds what he’s looking for, the
dart that killed SBEGIN. He hands it to REDEM, who turns it over in his hands
and stares at it.
DOCTOR WHAT
I need to know who made this dart.
It killed a Quebecois, so I thought the
killer might be Quebecois as well…
REDEM
No. No Quebecois made this weapon.
See this?
REDEM points to the dart. We see that each of the four blades coming out of it
is different: one looks like a Japanese katana, one like a medieval European
bladed arrow, etc. etc.
REDEM
This is Mosaic Earth manufacture.
DOCTOR WHAT
(keenly)
Mosaic Earth? Which one?
REDEM
(musingly)
Judging from this rust pattern and
the materials used…
(certain)
It’s First Mosaic Earth. It has to be.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sceptically)
First Mosaic Earth?
But I thought that was just a legend!
There are no records of it in the Board!
REDEM
FME is older than the Board itself,
Doctor-What. But it exists.
DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head, unconvinced.
REDEM
To be specific, this thing is Yamanian
in manufacture.
DOCTOR WHAT
Yamanians?
REDEM
Antarctic dwellers.
Pornographers, too.
DOCTOR WHAT
(keenly)
Pornographers??
REDEM
Damn good ones.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Well, that settles it.
Now I have to find this planet.
Thanks, Redem.
REDEM
Pas de problem.
DOCTOR WHAT
Now I must go.
(pause)
All that’s happening right now…
Do you think it will be war?
REDEM
I hope so.
DOCTOR WHAT
(appalled)
You do? Why?
REDEM
(smiling)
Because then afterwards I can ask people
‘how did you live the war’?
DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head in despair and walks out.
EXT. – NAJOISEY – DAY
Montage of shots showing the tramp freighter landing outside the capital city
and then LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE and PAULSRPING-D2 leaving the crowd of refugees
and heading for the royal palace.
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE pause on the steps to the royal palace, examining their
scripts again.
LANDSHARK
Want a long discussion on irrelevant
stuff to do with politics and economics
that somehow counts as romantic dialogue?
IRONYUPPIE
Nahhh!!
They both tear several pages out of their scripts.
LANDSHARK
Sheesh, Thande’s really losing it.
This is nothing like his original movies.
IRONYUPPIE
Yeah, Thande sucks.
NEK walks out from behind a pillar.
NEK
(morosely)
I wouldn’t know, he’s never said yes…
INT. – NAJOISEYIAN ROYAL PALACE – DAY
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK have reached their destination. The new monarch, KING
MATT, is seated behind a desk. Beside him is GOVERNOR PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who keeps
eyeing IRONYUPPIE fearfully.
MATT
We’ve been concerned about you.
(smiles)
All Najoisey is glad you’re safe, Erikké.
IRONYUPPIE
Thank you, your Mattesty.
I only wish I could be on
Unilevercan for the vote.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Given the circumstances…
MATT
(glaring at PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
Shut up you. No more appearances until
I see the next Series episode.
(AUDIENCE clap and cheer; IRONYUPPIE nods approvingly)
MATT
Anyway, how many systems have
joined Count Dearborn’s Separatists?
IRONYUPPIE
Over two hundred. First it was Southcarolina…
(she shakes her head)
If the Senate votes to create an army, there will
be civil war. Presumably started when there’s
an action on a planet called Fortsumter, as Thande
has all the originality of Turtledove when doing
analogous stuff.
MATT
Civil war…
(pensively)
Bad times.
Do you see any way to bring the Separatists
back in through negotiation?
IRONYUPPIE
Not if they keep being threatened by the Senate.
And if we build an army, they’ll turn to the
World Trade Organisation…
(scowls)
To build one for them as well.
MATT
The World Trade Organisation.
Too many officials are on their payroll.
(scowls)
Even after all those trials, Hendryk is still
Viceroy of the WTO.
IRONYUPPIE
I hope I meet him again. Last time he was most…pliable.
Everyone shudders, except LANDSHARK who looks admiring.
MATT
We’ve arranged for you to go into hiding
in the rural outback.
IRONYUPPIE
A good idea, as Landie is too young
and weak to protect me properly.
LANDSHARK looks angry.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – KITJEDI TEMPLE – DAY
A view of the Temple.
INT. – KITJEDI TEMPLE – LIBRARY
Massive shelves filled with books stretch into infinity. Spotted among them are
busts of the few Kitjedi Masters who have ever left the order; the nearest one
is of Count Dearborn himself. In the centre of the library is a desk, at which
sits the head librarian, JARED. DOCTOR WHAT is seated with him, and they’re
going over records.
JARED
As I thought. Nothing!
DOCTOR WHAT
(frustrated)
My information is good.
JARED
(smiling patronisingly)
I fear not, Doctor-What. First Mosaic Earth
is no more real than the Timeline of the Successful
Sealion or the Thread Without Gaysexual Innuendo.
DOCTOR WHAT
No. I WILL find the Planet of the Pornographers.
JARED
Do you have any coordinates?
DOCTOR WHAT hands him a piece of paper with numbers on and JARED inputs them. A
big hologram appears, showing star systems.
JARED
(pointing at blank space)
According to your information, your
FME should be here. But there’s nothing.
DOCTOR WHAT
(frowning)
Those systems’ positions don’t look right.
The gravity’s all wrong…
JARED
Maybe your system was here until
recently but it was destroyed.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wouldn’t that be on record?
JARED
A point.
I’m sorry, but it appears that FME is truly mythical.
DOCTOR WHAT
Or your archives are incomplete.
JARED
(drawing back)
Blasphemy!
(tuts)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go back to
working on ‘Millennia of Shadows’, my epic
alternate history in which the Orion Spiral Arm
secedes from the Republic and the Republic
becomes a dark slave-holding Empire…
DOCTOR WHAT
Or alternatively you could look out of
the window and see it happening now.
DOCTOR WHAT, shaking his head, storms out of the library. JARED shrugs and gets
back to his research.
~~
EXT. – NAJOISEY – IDYLLIC GREEN FIELDS SCENE – DAY
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE are sitting on a pile of the bloody corpses of their
enemies, looking unsatisfied, and sharing a Slurpee.
LANDSHARK
Romantic dialogue, yada yada.
IRONYUPPIE
Whatever.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – KITJEDI TEMPLE – DAY
A view of the pyramidal Kitjedi Temple.
INT. – KITJEDI TEMPLE – TRAINING ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT enters the room, then pauses at the door and watches. Within,
KITJED21 is instructing a class of YOUNG CHILDREN. From behind a pillar NEK,
breaking the fourth wall, looks on resentfully.
NEK
Why couldn’t I be one of those kids??
I want to be abused by Kit!!
DAVID BAR ELIAS also steps out.
DAVID BAR ELIAS
(in a hiss)
Advised! It said Advised!
NEK
Oh, sorry.
Picking up their cameras, they retreat behind the pillars.
KITJED21
(ignoring them)
Now young boyos and uh…
(at a loss)
DOCTOR WHAT
Girlos?
KITJED21
Er – right, whateffar –
(pulls himself together)
Don’t think…feel.
(smiles)
You can think about what you felt afterwards.
(grins)
Be one with the Innuendo…
DOCTOR WHAT steps forward into the room.
KITJED21
Ah, Master Lombardi.
(nudges kids)
What do we say, children?
CHILDREN
(boredly chorusing)
Sod off you Eyetie bugger.
KITJED21
No!! Wrong card!!
CHILDREN
Oh, sorry.
(boredly chorusing)
Good morning Master Lombardi.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nonplussed)
Er, thanks.
(pulls himself together)
Master Kitjed, I need your help.
KITJED21
Is it?
What can I do for you?
(winks)
What can I do to you?
DOCTOR WHAT
Erm…well…I’m looking for a planet…
KITJED21
(confused)
Don’t know that one…
(realisation)
Ah. I get you.
(leers)
It wouldn’t be Uranus by any chance would it?
DOCTOR WHAT
Er…no.
I’m looking for this system an old
friend told me about. But it doesn’t
appear on any of the old maps.
KITJED21
(disappointed)
Ah. Well, that’s fun too, I suppose.
DOCTOR WHAT puts a data disk in a hologram generator and it forms a hologram of
a starfield. He points to an empty space in the middle.
DOCTOR WHAT
It should be here, but it’s not.
But the gravitational effects are still there.
KITJED21
What do you think, children?
CHILDREN
Piss off you taffy pooftah.
KITJED21
(testily)
No, of the bloody map!
(to himself)
Kids these days…
CHILDREN
It’s obviously in the centre of the
gravity shadow. Can we go off
and take some drugs down at the
brothel now?
KITJED21
(sighs)
I should never have hired extras
from Luaky Commer.
Yes, yes, go.
The children file out, swearing.
DOCTOR WHAT
Someone must have erased the data
from the memory.
KITJED21
And no-one would have the authority
to do that but…
(glumly)
A Kitjedi. One of us.
EXT. – NAJOISEY – IDYLLIC LAKESIDE SCENE – DAY
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE, still looking bored, now both with icecreams. They’re
piloting a speedboat. Dangling in the water behind them, attached to the boat by
chains, are several random bystanders. Sharks are chasing after them in the
water and tearing chunks of them.
LANDSHARK
Sod this. Fancy a shag?
IRONYUPPIE
Well…
(eyes narrow)
Aren’t you supposed to stay away
from women if you’re a Kitjedi?
Straight Side and all that?
LANDSHARK
It’s not literal, you have to interpret.
IRONYUPPIE
Darn. Then I’ll have to come up with
some other excuse.
A particularly large shark, accompanied by a dudda-dudda theme tune, ignores the
bodies and rises up beside the speedboat, splashing water everywhere as it opens
its mouth wide and filled with sharp teeth.
Without looking around, IRONYUPPIE boredly shoots her fist out backwards and
belts the shark on the nose. It collapses back into the water, shrieking in
pain. IRONYUPPIE cracks her knuckles and blows on them.
LANDSHARK just stares at her, lovestruck.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – LANDING PLATFORM
DOCTOR WHAT is standing beside his diamond-shaped spaceship…
NEK
Er. Sorry. What?
THANDE
Diamond shaped spaceship.
Look, it says so in the script.
NEK
Yes, but you capitalised it!!
THANDE
So?
NEK
Well…
We pull out a bit further to reveal that the ship is, in fact, shaped like a
Californian cartographer wearing no pants.
THANDE
(screaming)
You idiots!!
Sound of THANDE chasing after his cameramen with some sort of weapon type thing.
KITJED21
(coughs)
Anyway.
Good luck with your mission, Doctor-What.
GREY WOLF
Umm, but be careful.
This disturbance in the Innuendo is
growing stronger.
DOCTOR WHAT
(pensive)
I’m concerned for my young Paddywack.
He’s not ready to be on his own.
KITJED21
The Council is confident he is the right one.
He has exceptional power.
GREY WOLF
Um, he must surely be the one that the prophecy
says will bring balance to the Innuendo.
(confused)
Umm, hang on, if there are zillions of us and
only two Miffed, doesn’t that mean that bringing
balance to the Innuendo would make the Miffed
stronger and us weaker, and we don’t want that, and…
KITJED21
(talking pointedly over the top)
Anyway.
DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t think he can look after the Senator.
He has an emotional attachment to her…
GREY WOLF
Um, don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll do the right thing.
Throw me out of a window if I’m wrong.
DOCTOR WHAT
Er – yes.
KITJED21
Good luck!
DOCTOR WHAT gets in his Diamond-shaped ship – the Strangely Arousing
– and flies off into the sky.
INT. – NAJOISEY – DINING ROOM – NIGHT
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK are facing each other over a table, eating dinner.
IRONYUPPIE is only picking at her food.
LANDSHARK[/b]
Something wrong?
IRONYUPPIE
No…it just seems a waste to
just eat these vegetables…
IRONYUPPIE picks up a variety of vegetables and pulls out a camera, then begins
to take photos of them in different poses.
IRONYUPPIE
Oh! Yeah! Work the camera!
Show you want it! Show you want it!
Snow White and the Seven Tailbacks!
Seven Brides for One Mormon!
LANDSHARK looks on, confused but keen.
LANDSHARK
You’re limiting yourself there.
Why not consider…animation…
LANDSHARK makes a certain gesture. The vegetables suddenly rise up and start
dancing and flying through the air.
IRONYUPPIE
(impressed)
So that’s the Innuendo…
LANDSHARK
Yeah. And I can do more things
than move vegetables with it…
(leers)
Or if you prefer I could move
some vegetables into another place…
IRONYUPPIE appears to consider it, but shakes her head.
IRONYUPPIE
No. Stop it.
(to herself)
I want to stop him lusting after me.
What’s the best way to do this?
(slaps her forehead)
I know, I’ll put on a tight black leather
strapless dress! That’s bound to put him off!
EXT. – NAJOISEY – BEFORE FIREPLACE – NIGHT[/b]
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE on rug before fire, IRONYUPPIE wearing that dress. Both
are thumbing through their scripts.
LANDSHARK
Sheesh. Thande’s romantic dialogue
sucks so much it could probably put
Dyson out of business.
IRONYUPPIE
Yeah?
LANDSHARK
Yeah, look at this bit.
"From the moment I met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by when
I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm close to you again, I'm in agony. The
closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you makes
my stomach turn over – my mouth goes dry. I feel dizzy. I can't breathe. I'm
haunted by the kiss you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping
that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me. What
can I do? I will do anything you ask..."
Long, long pause.
IRONYUPPIE
That’s how Thande spoofed the crappy
romantic dialogue in the original?
LANDSHARK
Actually that IS the original.
IRONYUPPIE
(in disbelief)
Makes you wonder about how those
Imperial superweapons really work…
EXT. – FLASH FORWARD TO EPISODE IV – DEATH TSAR APPROACHING CANADA
DAVE HOWERY
Fire!
LANDSHARK, as DARTH GAYDAR, speaks into a microphone.
DARTH GAYDAR
(deep hissing voice)
"From the moment I met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by when
I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm close to you again, I'm in agony. The
closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you makes
my stomach turn over – my mouth goes dry. I feel dizzy. I can't breathe. I'm
haunted by the kiss you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping
that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me. What
can I do? I will do anything you ask..."
ENTIRE PLANET OF CANADA
NOOOO!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
Planet spontaneously combusts. HOWERY smiles.
Cut back to previous scene.
IRONYUPPIE
Even if I wanted to, we couldn’t.
LANDSHARK
We could keep it secret.
IRONYUPPIE
Get real, Shakespeare.
LANDSHARK
If you don’t marry me I’ll do more
romantic dialogue until you do.
IRONYUPPIE
(fingers in ears)
Okay!! Okay!!
LANDSHARK
(smiles evilly)
Good.
Clock wipe to:
EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE UNILEVERCAN
The Diamond-shaped Strangely Arousing flies up out of the city planet’s
atmosphere and towards a collection of small space stations in orbit.
INT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – COCKPIT
DOCTOR WHAT has both hands on a piloting yoke and is whistling tunelessly under
his breath. On the dashboard, the holographic head of DIAMOND floats,
representing the ship’s A.I.
DOCTOR WHAT
Here we go, here we go, here we go…
DIAMOND
Hey Doc, where we going?
(takes in the space stations)
Oh man!
DOCTOR WHAT
No arguments! We’re going between the stars
so we’re going to have to install the temporary
hyperlink drive engines!
DIAMOND
But…
EXT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – IN SPACE STATION
DOCTOR WHAT eases the ship to a halt in a docking bay. Spacesuited techs
manoeuvre the hyperlink drive assembly into place. It happens to be shaped like
a pair of pants. They slide it over the Strangely Arousing and we hear a
CLUNK as it locks in place; the engines on the pants light up. The head
spacesuited guy gives DOCTOR WHAT a thumb’s-up and he returns it. The ship
then moves off and into open space.
INT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – COCKPIT
DOCTOR WHAT is still humming; the DIAMOND A.I. now looks pained.
DIAMOND
So…restrictive…so…
DOCTOR WHAT
Quit whining, we’re going off to
discover a new planet!
DIAMOND
Really?
(keenly)
Can I do a map of it?
DOCTOR WHAT laughs and pulls a lever. The stars stretch into hyperlinks as the Strangely
Arousing enters cyberspace.
Wipe to-
EXT. – SPACE
The starfield exactly matches the maps DOCTOR WHAT was showing KITJED21 before.
We see a portal open and the Strangely Arousing emerge. The camera pans
across as it flies out, and we see the ship shoot off towards a nearby planet.
INT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – COCKPIT
DOCTOR WHAT nods to himself. A huge sensor hologram of the planet, rotating,
comes up, and is then overlaid with red text reading NOT FOUND IN DATABASE.
DOCTOR WHAT
So it was erased from the databases.
(determined)
I’ll get to the bottom of this.
DIAMOND
And…speaking of which…
(pleading)
Can the pants go now?
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
Oh, all right.
EXT. – SPACE
Blasts of steam emerge from the clamps and the Strangely Arousing slides
out of the engine pants, leaving them in orbit. We hear a computerised sigh of
relief.
The ship speeds off down toward the planet. Now that we come to look at it
properly, we can see that it is, in fact, EARTH. But its surface is crisscrossed
with irregular lines, some oddly straight, some very bendy…they create strange
borders across which even the weather patterns break up and reform as they cross
them. The land seems to be slightly different colours in the different…facets.
Altogether, they make up a vast Mosaic.
But the Strangely Arousing heads for the very bottom of the world…
EXT. – ABOVE YAMANIA – DAY
The continent of Yamania, our Antarctica, fills the view. Vast, white, icy,
seemingly featureless, but far from lifeless. The Strangely Arousing
speeds past, heading for the small collection of lights that is the capital
city, confusingly called Antarctica.
EXT. – ANTARCTICA – LANDING PAD – DAY
Though the city is small, it is bustling. People of all ethnic origins are
included there, including some rather strange ones (dinosaurs??).
Everyone is wrapped up against the cold. In the sky, the sun stands out as a
great pale globe against the featureless grey sky; it never seems to move.
The Strangely Arousing lands on the pad and DOCTOR WHAT gets out. He
immediately hugs himself from the icy winds.
DIAMOND
(to himself)
Ooh, this is a complicated place…
(happily)
I could do a kickass map of this…
Shaking his head, DOCTOR WHAT closes the cockpit. He turns to find…
GBW
(smiling)
Ah, Master Kitjedi. We’ve been expecting you.
DOCTOR WHAT
(warily)
You have?
GBW is a middle-aged figure wearing a lab coat.
GBW
Of course! The Prime Minister is anxious
to meet with you. After all these years,
we were afraid you would never come.
(smiles)
DOCTOR WHAT
Errr…right.
DOCTOR WHAT follows GBW off the pad and, thankfully, they go into a warehouse
that leads to an underground passage, out of the wind.
Wipe to – (impression of many tunnels) –
INT. – YAMANIAN PRIME MINISTER’S OFFICE – DAY
Thanks to the small population of the country, it’s fairly informal. Sitting
behind a great desk is the Prime Minister, GLEN. He always has one hand on a
computer, clicking away and muttering to himself.
GBW enters, DOCTOR WHAT following uncertainly behind.
GBW
(coughing)
Prime Minister Glen, may I present…
GLEN
(angrily waving him away)
Shush! I’ve just got to write a
rebuttal to the Emperor of Tasmania
who wants to stake a claim to the southern
coast of Australia…
(rapid sound of typing; the words
"NO CLAIMING!!!" appear on the screen)
There, done.
(smiles and rises)
Ah, a pleasure to meet you, ah…
GBW
Master Kitjedi…
(looks askance)
DOCTOR WHAT
Doctor-What Lombardi.
GBW
Please…
GBW indicates a chair for DOCTOR WHAT. They all sit down.
GLEN
(very political)
I hope you’ll enjoy your stay, Master Lombardi.
You’re fortunate enough to have caught us in
the middle of the warm season…
DOCTOR WHAT
Really?
(shudders)
GLEN
And now to business.
You’ll be delighted to hear we’re
ahead of schedule. Over three hundred thousand
are already complete, and another million within
six months or so.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ah? Well, that’s…
(improvises)
Excellent.
GLEN
You will of course tell your Master Dude-Whose-
Name-Has-Never-Been-Mentioned-Before-But-
Is-Coincidentally-Quite-Similar-To-Reaper’s-
Miffed-Alias-But-Isn’t-Actually-A-Reference-To-That-So-The
Audience-Is-Totally-Confused-For-No-Reason?
DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
I’m sorry?
GLEN
(furrowing his brow)
Dude-Whose-Name-Has-Never-Been-Mentioned-
Before-But-Is-Coincidentally-Quite-Similar-To-Reaper’s-
Miffed-Alias-But-Isn’t-Actually-A-Reference-To-That-So-The
Audience-Is-Totally-Confused-For-No-Reason.
He is still a leading member of the Kitjedi Council, isn’t he?
DOCTOR WHAT
(quickly)
Er – of course. Yes.
Dude-Whose-Name-Has-Never-Been-Mentioned-
Before-But-Is-Coincidentally-Quite-Similar-To-Reaper’s-
Miffed-Alias-But-Isn’t-Actually-A-Reference-To-That-So-The
Audience-Is-Totally-Confused-For-No-Reason.
GLEN walks around the desk.
GLEN
You must be anxious to inspect the units for yourself.
DOCTOR WHAT
Err…well, that’s why I’m here.
EXT. – NAJOISEY – IDYLLIC SCENE
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK sit in an idyllic rural scene, looking bored. Around
them, Sheep the Size of VW Camper Vans graze on the grass. One of them pauses to
munch on a passing n00b. LANDSHARK grins.
IRONYUPPIE
Hmm, politics.
LANDSHARK
You know, I’m quite in favour of
an absolute dictatorship.
(winks at camera)
Subtle foreshadowing or what, folks?!!
IRONYUPPIE
Whatever.
LANDSHARK suddenly gets on the back of the nearest Giant Sheep and rides it like
a bucking bronco around IRONYUPPIE, trampling more n00bs. IRONYUPPIE gives him
an ironic hand-clap.
Wipe to
INT. – YAMANIA – UNDERGROUND PARADE GROUND – DAY
Under artificial lighting, a great carved-out-of-the-rock cavern is revealed.
DOCTOR WHAT, GLEN and GBW enter and walk through it on a transparent walkway.
Out on the whitewashed rock floor, drilling by platoon, are THOUSANDS OF
TROOPERS in a pure-white version of the ManDeLorean armour.
GBW
(beaming)
Magnificent, aren’t they?
DOCTOR WHAT slowly nods.
INT. – YAMANIA – UNDERGROUND MESS AREA – DAY
The three of them go through more walkways. This one passes through an eating
area where THOUSANDS OF IDENTICAL CLONES, each aged about twenty and wearing
uniforms, are seated at tables and eating curry.
GBW
We modified their genetic
structure so they’re less
independent minded than
the original clone source.
Totally obedient, take
any order without question.
GLEN
(beaming)
We didn’t see any flaw in that idea at all!!
DOCTOR WHAT
Er – yes.
Tell me, who was the original clone source?
GLEN
A bounty hunter named Magya Roktonos.
We would have preferred a Kitjedi, but Master
Dude-Whose-Name-Has-Never-Been-Mentioned-
Before-But-Is-Coincidentally-Quite-Similar-To-Reaper’s-
Miffed-Alias-But-Isn’t-Actually-A-Reference-To-That-So-The
Audience-Is-Totally-Confused-For-No-Reason
selected Roktonos himself.
INT. – YAMANIA – UNDERGROUND COMPLEX – DAY
The next area is full of TRANSPARENT CLONING CYLINDERS, showing clones growing
from an embryonic stage to about ten years old before they are released and
allowed to age the remainder naturally. Giant coloured cables stretched from the
ceiling to the cylinders, pulsing with light, and terminate in helmets clamped
over the heads of the clones. The sleeping faces of the clones twitch with
emotion as though they are dreaming.
Curious, DOCTOR WHAT walks up to the nearest cylinder, wipes away the
condensation, and stares into the clone’s sleeping eyes. He taps on the glass
a couple of times; GBW, with a disapproving expression, catches his arm.
GBW
Don’t do that.
DOCTOR WHAT
(withdrawing his arm)
Oh, sorry…
(pause)
What’s in those cables?
Instant military training downloaded
directly into the brain?
GBW
Well, that’s part of it of course.
But most of it is porn.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sudden intake of breath)
P-porn?
GLEN
Why, of course. Porn is Yamania’s number
one export in any case, and our scientists
have determined that porn enhances a soldier’s
urge to fight and kill.
GBW
(smiles)
So of course we included it in the clone programme.
(points at cable)
These clone soldiers are inundated with
pure porn from the cradle to the grave.
Lone pause. During which a muscle begins to tic in DOCTOR WHAT’s face.
GLEN
(concerned)
Master Lombardi? Are you all right?
In a sudden, swift movement, DOCTOR WHAT rips open the door of the cloning
cylinder – amniotic fluid splashes everywhere and klaxons blare/red lights
flash – he pulls the surprised half-finished clone out and hurls him away,
then gets into the cylinder himself and rams the helmet on his head.
DOCTOR WHAT
(yelling)
Hit me!
Sudden pulse of light arcs down the cable and DOCTOR WHAT goes cross-eyed as his
mouth splits into a cheesey grin.
DOCTOR WHAT
(dreamily)
This makes Debbie Does Paris
look like PBS!
(shouting)
Again! Again!
Diplomatically, GBW rips the helmet off again. DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head in
confusion, then blinks.
DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry. Just couldn’t stop myself. Jealousy.
GLEN
I understand perfectly.
DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Anyway. About this Magya
Roktonos, where is he now?
GBW
He lives in the complex. Aside
from his pay, he only demanded
one other thing – a perfect,
unmodified clone to raise as his son.
Natural ageing, not accelerated like these.
DOCTOR WHAT
Interesting. I would like to meet this
Magya Roktonos for myself.
GLEN
By all means. Follow me.
As they walk away, DOCTOR WHAT asks tactfully:
DOCTOR WHAT
Tell me…when Master Dude-Whose-Name-Has-Never-Been-Mentioned-
Before-But-Is-Coincidentally-Quite-Similar-To-Reaper’s-
Miffed-Alias-But-Isn’t-Actually-A-Reference-To-That-So-The
Audience-Is-Totally-Confused-For-No-Reason first contacted you,
did he say this order was for himself, or…?
GLEN
(astonished)
For himself? Of course not!
This army is for the Republic!
DOCTOR WHAT
(equally astonished)
The Republic?
GBW
We’re very much against Count Dearborn
and the separatists. We are proud to help
the Republic.
GLEN
(smiles)
And we don’t think we’re being manipulated
into some grand endgame strategy at all!!
DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes.
INT. – YAMANIA – UNDERGROUND QUARTERS – NIGHT
The end of the day – GBW shows DOCTOR WHAT into his quarters.
GBW
You can see Magya Roktonos in the morning.
DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you.
(pauses)
Um, er, and if you don’t mind me asking…?
GBW
Yes?
[b]DOCTOR WHAT
How can you appear as a middle-aged character
in this when you also appeared, twenty years later
in Episodes V and VI, as a young lieutenant?
GBW
(smiles)
Why, cloning, of course!
DOCTOR WHAT
(slaps his forehead)
Silly me.
GBW leaves. DOCTOR WHAT surreptitiously pulls out a comm.
DOCTOR WHAT
(into comm)
Diamond, Diamond…
DIAMOND’S VOICE
What??!! I’m trying to find a nice
pastel colour scheme here!!
DOCTOR WHAT
Relay this to Unilevercan…
DIAMOND’S VOICE
(grumpily)
If I must.
DOCTOR WHAT begins speaking. Wipe to –
INT. – UNILEVERCAN – KITJEDI TEMPLE – DAY
KITJED21 and GREY WOLF are watching a hologram of DOCTOR WHAT.
DOCTOR WHAT
Didn’t Master Dude-Whose-Name-Has-Never-Been-Mentioned-
Before-But-Is-Coincidentally-Quite-Similar-To-Reaper’s-
Miffed-Alias-But-Isn’t-Actually-A-Reference-To-That-So-The
Audience-Is-Totally-Confused-For-No-Reason die ten years ago?
KITJED21
Yes. Troubling this is. It means the script was poorly edited
as this was originally a reference to a transparent pseudonym
used by Reaper but then it was changed later for no reason and
the name retained just to confuse everyone.
GREY WOLF
Um, fuck, I think I need a drink…
DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Anyway, I strongly believe that this Magya
Roktonos is the assassin we’re looking for.
KITJED21
Very well. Find out who ordered the assassination, look you.
DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, Master. I will continue to
investigate this clone army, as well.
May the Innuendo be with…
The hologram cuts out. KITJED21 exchanges a glance with GREY WOLF.
GREY WOLF
Um, a clone army? Ordered by someone in the Senate?
Someone’s out to start a war.
KITJED21
We must inform the Supreme Chancellor.
(slight pause)
I wonder who ordered the army?
(winks)
Subtle foreshadowing or what??!!
~~
EXT. – NAJOISEY – LAKESHORE – NIGHT
It is dark, save for a few lights from the imposing guest house. We hear
stereotypical cricket chirping noises. In the background, we see a bloodied
figure crawl out of a door labelled ‘Erikka’s Dungeon’, stagger over to
the edge of the lake – where several dorsal fins are visible – and
thankfully throw himself in. There’s a splash and a feeding frenzy begins.
SHEEP THE SIZE OF VW CAMPER VANS are grazing nearby, along with normal size
cows. As we watch, a 1950s flying saucer wibbles past and a beam of light shoots
down to the ground. It materialises two grey aliens, DUQUENSE and ROWMASTER.
They take a look around.
ROWMASTER
Dull planet.
DUQUENSE
Yeah. Not even anyone with any
orifices we can probe.
(sighs)
And no corn for corn circles either.
ROWMASTER
What about mutilating cattle?
DUQUENSE
Sure!
He pulls out an advanced-looking ray gun and fires it at one of the nearby cows,
eviscerating it from head to udder.
COW
MOOOOOOO!!!
And it topples over, bleeding. ROWMASTER and DUQUENSE grin at each other.
DUQUENSE
Hey, why don’t you try it with one of the big sheep?
ROWMASTER
Yeah! What could possibly go wrong?
INT. – GUESTHOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Focus on LANDSHARK, asleep in his bed. But he’s tossing and turning, his
eyelids are flickering, and pained expressions appear on his face.
LANDSHARK
No…Mum…No…NO!!!
He hurls himself out of the bed, or tries to, but the chain tying his ankle to
the bedpost means that he crashes down onto the floor instead.
LANDSHARK
Dammit.
We hear a light clicking on and IRONYUPPIE enters, wearing a light silk
nightdress over dominatrix gear.
IRONYUPPIE
What is it, Landie?
LANDSHARK
(in a mutter)
A nightmare…
IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
Goood, I’m glad that our little…adventure
caused permanent psychological damage-
LANDSHARK
(impatiently)
Not like that!
I saw my mother.
IRONYUPPIE
Oh?
LANDSHARK
She was being…
The Dust Bunnies were…
(shakes his head)
It was on Arrakisimeantatooine.
Everything’s gone wrong.
(decisively)
I must help her! I don’t care if I
get kicked out of the Kitjedi Order, I’ve got to-
IRONYUPPIE
OK, but I’m going with you.
LANDSHARK
What? No! I’m supposed to be protecting…
IRONYUPPIE winsomely placed her black-gloved finger on LANDSHARK’s lips,
quieting him.
IRONYUPPIE
(softly)
Listen, Landie, when I find your mum, the things
we’ll do won’t require protection of any sort…
LANDSHARK
(to camera)
And they wonder why I turned out mentally disturbed.
EXT. – NAJOISEY – LAKESHORE – NIGHT
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE exit the house and go over to where another silver
ship, the HMS TINFOIL, is waiting. They get in it and the ship rises, flying off
into the night.
The screen starts shaking up and down rhythmically, accompanied by ripples in
the lake. The reason for this is soon explained when ROWMASTER and DUQUENSE come
running past the lake, pursued by a charging herd of gigantic SHEEP THE SIZE OF
VW CAMPER VANS!!!
ROWMASTER
(shouting)
I said this was a bad idea!
The two aliens manage to get back to their flying saucer, but before they can
take off, the lead SHEEP picks the entire saucer up in its hooves, and the SHEEP
begin playing Frisbee with it.
Clock wipe to:
EXT. – YAMANIA – DAY
A view of the frozen wastelands of Yamania. We then zoom in, THROUGH the ice, to
observe the underground complex-
INT. – COMPLEX CORRIDOR – DAY
GBW is guiding DOCTOR WHAT towards a door. GBW raises his hand to the keypad and
hammers in a code; DOCTOR WHAT carefully looks over his shoulder and notes it.
GBW
He’s in here…they, I should say…
The door clicks open, and DOCTOR WHAT looks at an empty space.
He then looks further down, to find a surly-looking TEN YEAR OLD CHILD staring
back at him.
CHILD
Hello, mister. Want to buy some pirated DVDs?
GBW
(coughs)
Bulga, is your, ahem, ‘father’ around?
BULGAROKTONOS
Might be. What’s in it for me?
GBW
Ammunition?
BULGAROKTONOS
Done.
(pause)
He’s in the back.
BULGAROKTONOS turns and walks back, tossing a handgun from hand to hand and
whistling ‘The Battle Hymn of the Republic’.
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
What a normal, well-adjusted kid!
GBW
(a bit pensively)
Yeah, he stands out a bit among all the others.
DOCTOR WHAT and GBW follow BULGAROKTONOS into the apartment.
INT. – YAMANIA COMPLEX – ROKTONOS QUARTERS – DAY
The apartment is quite large and well-equipped, those sparsely decorated. There’s
a window with a view out onto the bottom of an icy glacier, with painful
reflected light coming in.
The three come in, DOCTOR WHAT sizing up the room.
BULGAROKTONOS
(shouting)
Dad! GBW’s here with a visitor!
MAGYA ROKTONOS comes in. He is of course just an older version of Bulga, but has
several old scars all over him, and a beard. He’s wearing a jumpsuit. He eyes
DOCTOR WHAT suspiciously, but is polite enough.
GBW
Master Lombardi, this is our resident
bounty hunter and clone-source, Magya Roktonos…
MAGYA ROKTONOS
(raising hand to forestall him)
Ah. I prefer not to go by that name, just my initial.
(smiles)
And my signature…
He shrugs his shoulders in a certain way, and though he’s only wearing a
jumpsuit, somehow weapons of every kind burst out of it. Gun barrels, missiles,
rockets, knife blades, chainsaws, laser cannons, electrical prods, everything.
DOCTOR WHAT stares first in astonishment and then in awe.
DOCTOR WHAT
So you call yourself…
MAGYA ROKTONOS
(grinning)
That’s right.
WEAPON M.
A silence holds for a moment, and then WEAPON M flexes his shoulders again and
all the weapons retreat, some of them leaving holes in the fabric of his
clothing.
WEAPON M
So what’s all this all about?
GBW
Doctor-What Lombardi here is a Kitjedi
Master. He’s come to check on our progress.
WEAPON M
(suspiciously)
Oh really?
DOCTOR WHAT, rather gingerly, shakes WEAPON M’s hand, staring at it as though
expecting knifes or bullets to burst out of it.
DOCTOR WHAT
Your clones are very impressive.
WEAPON M
Pshaw. It’s enough for me to know that there
are many more of me out there, blowing stuff
up and annoying the federal government.
(smiles)
As they speak, BULGAROKTONOS walks past, carrying a familiar-looking helmet and
breastplate with a couple of recent laser scars on them. DOCTOR WHAT takes note
and releases WEAPON M’s hand.
DOCTOR WHAT
Tell me…
Have you ever been to Unilevercan?
WEAPON M shrugs – GBW and DOCTOR WHAT hastily leap back – he grins and
relaxes.
WEAPON M
Once or twice. Why?
DOCTOR WHAT
Recently?
WEAPON M
(guardedly)
Maaaybe…
DOCTOR WHAT
Then you must know Master Dude-Whose-Name-Has-Never-Been-Mentioned-
Before-But-Is-Coincidentally-Quite-Similar-To-Reaper’s-
Miffed-Alias-But-Isn’t-Actually-A-Reference-To-That-So-The
Audience-Is-Totally-Confused-For-No-Reason?
WEAPON M
(brow furrowing)
I’m sorry?
DOCTOR WHAT
Dude-Whose-Name-Has-Never-Been-Mentioned-
Before-But-Is-Coincidentally-Quite-Similar-To-Reaper’s-
Miffed-Alias-But-Isn’t-Actually-A-Reference-To-That-So-The
Audience-Is-Totally-Confused-For-No-Reason.
Isn’t he the Kitjedi who recruited you for this job?
WEAPON M
Hell no. I was recruited by a man calling himself
Darth Piranhas (who is an alias for Count Dearborn,
but this will never be stated on screen, thus confusing
most of the audience) on one of the moons of Placeholder.
DOCTOR WHAT
No? I thought…
GBW
(to WEAPON M)
Dude-Whose-Name-Has-Never-Been-Mentioned-
Before-But-Is-Coincidentally-Quite-Similar-To-Reaper’s-
Miffed-Alias-But-Isn’t-Actually-A-Reference-To-That-So-The
Audience-Is-Totally-Confused-For-No-Reason told us to expect him.
And he showed up just when your Kitjedi Master said he would.
(to DOCTOR WHAT)
We have kept the Kitjedi’s involvement in this project a secret
until your arrival, just as your Master requested.
DOCTOR WHAT
(stroking goatee)
Curious…
(to camera)
Curious, isn’t it, that I’m openly wondering about
something I should already know, thus arousing suspicion
for no reason whatsoever!
(rips script up)
Who writes this bollocks??
INT. – THANDE’S FILM STUDIO – DAY
THANDE is sitting on a deckchair wearing elasticated sunglasses and slurping a
cocktail. He toasts the camera.
THANDE
Well, now I’m a multimillionaire
from the success of the earlier three films,
I can afford to hire a ghost writer.
PAN ACROSS to where GHOST 88, a translucent figure with a machine gun, is
haphazardly writing the script.
GHOST 88
Dude, the pencil keeps passing through my hands!
And as he speaks it clatters to the floor.
THANDE
Never mind, my genius transcends such media
as paper and words and things.
(importantly)
Now, in this next section, Landie and Yuppie
adopt an orphaned Furry and Rad Rad Neut is
made Emperor-for-Life of the galaxy…
GHOST 88
(to himself)
If I weren’t already dead, I’d top myself.
Flash back to:
INT. – YAMANIA – ROKTONOS QUARTERS – DAY
As before.
WEAPON M
Like your army?
DOCTOR WHAT
Seems more like it’s your army,
they all being clones of you.
WEAPON M
(laughs)
You could say that.
They’ll do their job well, I assure you of that.
DOCTOR WHAT
I look forward to seeing them in action.
Thank you for your time.
WEAPON M
Always a pleasure to meet a Kitjedi!
Though I’ve never met one more than once…
DOCTOR WHAT and GBW exit. WEAPON M looks thoughtful, his brow furrowed.
BULGAROKTONOS
What is it, Dad?
~~
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE
The TINFOIL emerges from cyberspace and speeds down towards the deserty planet
of Arrakisimeantatooine below.
EXT. – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY – DAY
Montage of images. LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE walking down the ramp off the ship…
LANDSHARK
(taking deep breath)
Ahh. Just like I remember it.
IRONYUPPIE
The stink of decay and corruption?
LANDSHARK
(grinning)
Home sweet home.
They link arms and proceed down the street, which is full of Stereotypical Alien
Seedy Types. A few of them try to jostle past LANDSHARK, who pulls out his
Sexsword and begins slashing at them. This has surprisingly little effect.
LANDSHARK
Move, damn you!
IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
This needs a woman’s soft touch.
She whispers in the pointed ear of the lead Stereotypical Alien Seedy Type, who
pales and murmurs it to the one behind him and so forth. As one, the pressing
crowd of Stereotypical Alien Seedy Types retreats back into a side street, their
hands (where applicable) over their genitals (also where applicable).
IRONYUPPIE raises her hand to her mouth and blows on her nails with a wink.
LANDSHARK glares at her, then grins.
LANDSHARK
(fondly)
Dammit you’re evil…
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – OUTSIDE BERRA’S JUNKYARD
The same setting as in the last film, plus ten years of grime and wear.
LANDSHARK looks around him, clearly affected by the memories. IRONYUPPIE smiles
to herself.
LANDSHARK
This is the place.
He squares his chest and steps through the door, IRONYUPPIE following.
INT. – BERRA’S JUNK SHOP
Inside it is dark and gloomy. A familiar figure is slumped on a chair in the
corner, wearing a chef’s hat and snoring. It’s BERRA.
LANDSHARK walks right up to him, then slams his hand down and DINGS the bell on
the counter. BERRA jumps up five feet and crashes back down again, his hat
remaining comically in midair for a second before falling down and dropping over
his eyes and ears.
BERRA
(indistinctly)
Ow…dammit…bork bork…
LANDSHARK
(loudly)
I need information!
BERRA manages to pull the chef’s hat up, revealing his eyes. He looks owlishly
at LANDSHARK, and then IRONYUPPIE.
BERRA
(to IRONYUPPIE)
Who hell he?
LANDSHARK slams his hand down on the bell again.
LANDSHARK
I am the man who needs information, Berra!
(leans close threateningly)
Where is N-reD Slywanker?
BERRA
(recoils, frowns)
What? You’re…
(laughs)
Little Landie? Can’t be!
LANDSHARK
(hotly)
STOP CALLING ME "LANDIE"!
In the background, IRONYUPPIE is doubled up with suppressed laughter.
BERRA
You Kitjedi now?
LANDSHARK
(softly)
Yes. I have a Sexsword and I’m
not afraid to use it.
IRONYUPPIE
That’s not what you said last night…
LANDSHARK
(without looking around)
Dammit woman! There are some things that
require the proper preparation!
(to BERRA)
N-reD. My mother. Where is she?
BERRA
(defensively)
Not mine anymore! Sold!
LANDSHARK
(dangerously)
Sold?
BERRA
To a sand farmer!
Name of Pickard.
Heard he freed and married her.
LANDSHARK
(thoughtfully)
Hmmm…
And where is all this?
BERRA
Six miles west of town.
LANDSHARK
(faraway)
I see…
EXT. – YAMANIA – DAY
Near the seaport. Next to the landing pad on which the Strangely Arousing
is parked (which overhangs the freezing sea below the ice cliffs), a
hatchway opens in the ice and DOCTOR WHAT, GBW and GLEN step out.
GLEN
Tell the Council the first battalions of
your cloned Porntroopers are ready.
GBW
(fussily)
And remind them if they want more troops,
we need the time to grow them!
DOCTOR WHAT
I won’t forget.
He shakes hands with the two Yamanians, who bow and go back into the ice
hatchway, which closes. DOCTOR WHAT turns around, coughing as his breath turns
to mist in the freezing air, and then steps forward onto the landing platform.
He walks right up to the Strangely Arousing
DIAMOND
(VO)
Aw no! We can’t leave now!
I’ve just found a nice texture effect
that highlights the contrast between
Grand Tartary and Burgundy!
DOCTOR WHAT
(under breath)
Don’t worry…
He turns around, making a certain pass over his face, and seems to fade slightly
from view. He walks back up to the ice hatch, uses his Sexsword to pry it open,
and sneaks back into the Yamanian ice complex.
INT. – YAMANIAN ICE COMPLEX – CORRIDORS
DOCTOR WHAT sidles along the corridors. A few Yamanian technicians pass him, but
DOCTOR WHAT makes a subtle sign with his hands, and they just look puzzled and
walk past him.
DOCTOR WHAT
The Innuendo is a powerful force…
His eyes goggle out as the latest Yamanian to pass is an attractive female. He
waves his hand again, making the sign, but this time adds a little extra
flourish. The woman stops in mid-step with a puzzled expression, glances down at
herself, takes her breasts in her hands experimentally, then shrugs and
continues walking.
Pan across to reveal that DOCTOR WHAT is smoking a cigarette and looking
frustrated.
DOCTOR WHAT
(spitting ash on the floor)
Dammit! So close!
He shrugs and continues onward, reaching the door we saw before – the door to
the ROKTONOS’ apartment. He walks in.
INT. – ROKTONOS’ APARTMENT – DAY
The apartment is in a shambles, looking nothing like we saw it just a few
minutes before. All the Roktonos’ stuff is gone and the drawers are still
yanked open. Clear signs of a hurried departure.
DOCTOR WHAT nods to himself. He goes to the nearest computer monitor and starts
tapping away on the keyboard. We focus on his face, not seeing the screen.
DOCTOR WHAT
(to himself)
Let’s see…find the security cameras…
locate where Roktonos has gone…
(mouth forms an O)
Ooh…is that a link to the Yamanians’
porn archive? Let’s see…
(his hand slaps himself a la Dr Strangelove)
No! No! Stay good, Bruno! Stay good!
(addresses the hand in resentful tones)
Jeez, why do I always have to be the good guy…
His other hand is still tapping away, and now the screen comes up with security
camera images. He flicks through them; we still don’t see the screen.
DOCTOR WHAT
What have we got?
Porntroopers training, boring…
Cafeteria, boring…
Ooh! Women’s shower room!
He stares in fascination for a few moments, then shrugs and keeps clicking.
DOCTOR WHAT
What’s this? GBW’s closet?
(his eyes widen in terror)
My God…that’s, that’s…
DOCTOR WHAT pulls a fork out of his pocket and begins stabbing himself in the
eye.
DOCTOR WHAT
…not strangely arousing at all!
Shaking, he clicks through some more screens, and finally we see an image. A
landing platform, outside, on which is parked a ship shaped like a donkey’s
head – the FIRST SERVANT. WEAPON M and BULGAROKTONOS are loading it up with
their supplies. WEAPON M is wearing his ManDeLorean armour, with his helmet
under his arm.
DOCTOR WHAT
Time to crash a party.
EXT. – YAMANIA – LANDING PLATFORM 2 – DAY
The scene is identical to the one we just saw on the screen. Almost everything
is now loaded. BULGAROKTONOS is inside the First Servant and is grabbing hold of
packing cases as WEAPON M, still outside, lifts them up to him.
Whilst doing this, BULGAROKTONOS suddenly focuses on the distance-
BULGAROKTONOS
Dad!
WEAPON M turns, to see an out-of-breath DOCTOR WHAT charging out of the nearest
ice-hatch and towards him. DOCTOR WHAT ignites his Sexsword and begins swinging
it threateningly.
DOCTOR WHAT
(panting)
It’s you! You’re behind the plot to
kill Senator IronYuppie!
WEAPON M
(ignoring this)
Oho! A challenge!
WEAPON M grins and crams his helmet down over his head. As he does, he shrugs in
a certain way and hatches open all over his armour, allowing gun barrels,
chainsaw blades, electrical dischargers, laser lenses, rockets launchers and
weapons of all kind to extend.
BULGAROKTONOS
Cooooool…
WEAPON M
(glances up, grins)
Thanks, son.
(to DOCTOR WHAT, confrontingly)
Eat…
He pauses, looking confused, and begins counting on his armoured fingers. Each
finger has a different weapon sticking out of the end; the index finger has a
rotating drill bit, the middle finger has a flamethrower, etc.
WEAPON M
Eat…let’s see…
Lead, iron, galvanised steel,
coherent light, octanitrocubane,
adamantium, neutrons…
He keeps reeling the words off as DOCTOR WHAT comes closer, swinging his
Sexsword.
WEAPON M
Ah, screw it!
Just eat!
He raises his arms and ALL the weapons fire at once. A massive fusillade of
missiles, bullets, rays, daggers, beams, blasts, bursts and torpedoes hammer out
of his vast arsenal, all heading towards DOCTOR WHAT.
From the recoil, WEAPON M is thrown back and plastered against the side of the
FIRST SERVANT; he’s held there, against the force of gravity, until all his
weapons run out of ammunition. He then slumps to the ground, looking spent.
WEAPON M
Did it work?
He looks up, and sees that his weapons have annihilated everything in their path
– punching a hole straight through the ice sheets and permitting one to see a
startled-looking GBW at the other end, doing something unspeakable.
WEAPON M
(surveying damage)
Nice!
A hand taps him on the shoulder.
DOCTOR WHAT
I quite agree.
WEAPON M spins around in anger.
WEAPON M
Whaaaaat?
DOCTOR WHAT
I just kind of stepped to the side a moment
before you fired…
WEAPON M
That’s not fair!
(defiantly)
I still have one weapon left…
Snarling, he flexes his biceps, and long steel knife-blades slide out from the
back of his hands with a ‘SNIKT’ sound.
DOCTOR WHAT
(paling in horror)
No! Not…
WEAPON M
(grinning)
Yes! The power of copyright breach!
He slashes at DOCTOR WHAT with his claws. DOCTOR WHAT tries to parry with his
Sexsword, but even the energy blade just bounces off the stuff that the claws
are made of. He’d pressed back against the wall at the edge of the landing
platform, fighting for his life.
WEAPON M
Take this!
With a particularly wild slash, he gets through DOCTOR WHAT’s defences. DOCTOR
WHAT stares in horror and disbelief as he looks at the three bloody slashes
across his shoulder.
WEAPON M
With the next one you die!
DOCTOR WHAT
Think not my heavily armed friend—
when I go it’s between the legs of a beautiful woman!
And, with that, DOCTOR WHAT makes an unrealistic karate leap upward and goes
flying up over the edge of the landing platform, then comes down. We hear a
splash.
WEAPON M goes over to the edge and looks down at the dark waters below and the
ice shelf.
WEAPON M
Pfft. Unambitious.
(smiles)
I’m gonna go between the legs
of TWO beautiful women.
(looks down)
Hah. With that blood in the water,
the sharks will get him if the Sealions don’t.
Nodding to himself, he sheathes his claws.
BULGAROKTONOS
(VO)
Dad? Coming?
WEAPON M
Sure, Junior.
He turns and goes back to the First Servant, which is ready to lift off. As we
watch, he gets in and the ship rises into the sky.
Pan back down to the edge of the platform…and over it.
DOCTOR WHAT’s clinging to the underside for dear life.
DOCTOR WHAT
Heh, lucky I know an old Kitjedi trick
to stick yourself in place, eh?
NEK steps out from behind an iceberg.
NEK
He refuses to teach me that one.
DOCTOR WHAT
Unlucky you, eh?
NEK
How did you make that fake splash, anyway?
DOCTOR WHAT
(defensively)
I had a big lunch and he was a scary dude!
DOCTOR WHAT manages to grab hold of the edge and starts to haul himself up.
DOCTOR WHAT
Now to follow them…surreptitiously.
~~
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – DESERT ABOVE SAND FARM – DAY
The brilliant light of Arrakisimeantatooine’s three suns throw everything into
sharp relief. This is a harsh, featureless desert with no rocky outcrops save in
the distance. Sitting amid the dunes, looking rather alien, is the metallic
shape of a large complex of buildings. This is the PICKARD SAND FARM.
As we watch, the sunlight is blotted out by the shadow of the TINFOIL as it
lands, sand blasting up from the ground all around it and the sunslight glaring
off the reflective hull.
The hatchway opens, the ramp drops, and LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE get out. Both
are carefully adjusting their clothes and avoiding each others’ gaze.
IRONYUPPIE
(looking back into ship)
Thanks for flying the ship, PaulSpring.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep bleeble…
(translation: )
I did quite well to say I was doing it with
my eyes closed. Filthy humans…
IRONYUPPIE
(not understanding)
Now watch the ship until we come back!
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep BLOOP!
(translation: )
If you don’t, can I keep it?
Ignoring him, IRONYUPPIE joins LANDSHARK as he strides purposefully toward the
farm complex.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bloop!
(translation: )
Bloody liberals.
EXT. – OUTSIDE PICKARD SAND FARM – DAY
Outside the complex, various bits of equipment and windmills are set up. As
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK approach, we see a figure working on repairing one of
them, with his head and shoulders inside an open hatch in the side. He’s
stripped to the waist, and his back reveals that his skin appears to have been
stitched together out of parts, with one or two areas of bare red flesh still
showing beneath. Tattooed in the centre of his back is a large letter ‘L’.
LANDSHARK
(frowning)
A leftwinger political?
The political starts at the sound of his voice and bangs his head on the top of
the hatch.
POLITICAL
(muffled)
As the Mandaeans would say, ‘Ouuuuch!!!!’
LANDSHARK
(expression clearing)
…C-Leo??
The political pulls his head out to reveal that, indeed, it is C-Leo from the
last film. However, he is now almost completed, albeit rather haphazardly with
mismatched parts. One eye is a different colour than the other.
C-LEO
Landie?? The Creator!!!
LANDSHARK
(preening)
Now now, there’s no need for that…
(grins at IRONYUPPIE, who shakes her head)
-LEO
And Miss Erikké too! How you have grown!
IRONYUPPIE
(coldly)
Watch it. I can give Nutella up any time I like…
LANDSHARK
(shaking his head sceptically)
And you mentioned the Mandaeans just then, C-Leo!
You can do it now without freaking out!
C-LEO
Oh yes, Master, I’ve had many…upgrades…
(smiles fondly into the distance for a moment, then all business: )
Master, what are you doing here?
LANDSHARK
(harshly)
I’ve come to see my mother.
C-LEO
(face unreadable)
Oh dear. Master Landie, I’m so sorry.
LANDSHARK
What?
IRONYUPPIE
What’s happened?
C-LEO
I…I think we’d better go inside.
EXT. – PICKARD SAND FARM COURTYARD – DAY
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE follow C-LEO (who still moves a bit jerkily)
inside the spartan but well-maintained farm complex.
C-LEO
(shouting)
Master Pickard? Master Justin!
Something important!
JUSTIN PICKARD
(VO)
If this is another Mandaean proverb…
C-LEO
Nonono, nothing quite as important as that.
Master Landshark has returned!
Two young men, JUSTIN PICKARD (with absurd studenty hair) and JUSTIN
GREEN (wearing a red cross armband), enter.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Who?
LANDSHARK
(shaking his hand)
I’m Landshark Slywanker. I built your political here…
and I’m here looking for my mother.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Justin ‘Great Satan’ Pickard. I suppose
that makes me your step-brother.
LANDSHARK
Oh, well, in that case I’ll be sure never to
set my army of psychopathic troopers to
burning this place and brutally murdering both of you.
(he winks at the camera and we see his fingers are crossed behind his back)
JUSTIN PICKARD
And this is my special friend, Justin Green.
JUSTIN GREEN
(sounding confused)
Just what are you implying there?
JUSTIN PICKARD
To be honest I’m not sure either.
IRONYUPPIE
(scribbling quickly in a notebook)
Yes, yes…I see…
(absently)
Erikké IronYuppie.
JUSTIN PICKARD
We run the sand farm here with my father.
IRONYUPPIE
Sand farm?
JUSTIN GREEN
We farm sand, and sell it to the punters
to use in cement or sandpits.
Long pause as IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK take a long, panoramic view of the
horizon, desert as far as the eye can see.
JUSTIN GREEN
(defensively)
So it’s a buyer’s market right now!!
JUSTIN PICKARD
(coughing)
I had a feeling you’d show up one day, Landshark.
LANDSHARK
So where’s my mother? Is she here?
NEW VOICE
(VO)
No, she’s not.
Everyone turns to see a new figure enter the room. He’s a middle-aged, bald
Yorkshireman in a wheelchair, wearing a Starfleet uniform with a big slash over
his chest. Beneath it, we can see scar tissue and the metallic glint of a
cybernetic heart.
This is JUSTIN PICKARD’s father, JEAN-LUC PICKARD. 
JEAN-LUC PICKARD
(offering hand)
Jean-Luc Pickard. N-reD’s my wife, tha knows!
LANDSHARK
Excuse me, how exactly does that work?
Because, you know, I know my mother, and-
JEAN-LUC PICKARD
(grins, rubs his bald head with a chamois leather)
There an’t nowt that can resist t’power o’t’Dome of Love,
lad!
LANDSHARK
What? Don’t be absurd!
(turns to IRONYUPPIE)
Tell him, Erikké…
IRONYUPPIE
(unable to tear her gaze away)
Curse that sexy dome…
LANDSHARK shakes his head in puzzlement.
JEAN-LUC PICKARD
(sighs)
Gerrin t’living room. We’d best discuss this
ovver a cuppa hot, sweet tea.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Erm…?
JEAN-LUC PICKARD
They’re our guests, lad. They get the real sugar.
IRONYUPPIE
Actually, I’d prefer…
LANDSHARK rolls his eyes.
INT. – PICKARD SAND FARM – LIVING ROOM
The living room is also spartan but well-kept. Everyone sits around a table,
while JUSTIN PICKARD makes the tea.
JEAN-LUC PICKARD
It were half past six in t’morning.
(sighs)
They came out of nowhere.
Bloody Dust Bunnies…
LANDSHARK
Dust Bunnies?? But they’re dangerous savages!
JEAN-LUC PICKARD
Too reight, lad. They took yer mother while she were out
scraping the extra sand off the top of the windmills to sell on,
as she did. She were allus doing more than she had to, just
to make it up to mi for buyin’ her, she said…
(sighs)
Of course, we went after ’em. Thirty of us went out. Only four
came back. And one of them skewered mi right through.
(taps his cybernetic heart)
If it wasn’t for this, I’d be off after ’em again like a shot.
LANDSHARK looks thunderstruck. Into the silence:
IRONYUPPIE
Sorry, but if your heart’s the problem,
why are you in a wheelchair?
JEAN-LUC PICKARD
It’s a reference to mi other role as Professor X, tha knows!
IRONYUPPIE
But…
JEAN-LUC PICKARD
Talk to the dome, ’cause the face an’t listening.
Suddenly, LANDSHARK gets up with a decisive expression on his face.
LANDSHARK
I’m going to find my mother.
JEAN-LUC PICKARD
It were a month ago lad! I’m afeared
we’re all sure she’s…
He trails off.
LANDSHARK
I can feel her presence. I know she’s alive.
He turns abruptly.
EXT. – OUTSIDE PICKARD SAND FARM – EVENING
The suns are going down. LANDSHARK looks over the desert, his hand shading his
eyes, with a considering look. IRONYUPPIE comes up beside him.
LANDSHARK
Now if this was a Frank Herbert parody,
I’d be able to think of something profound to say.
(sighs)
Sadly, Kevin J. Anderson’s got a monopoly on
Frank Herbert parodies.
(he turns to IRONYUPPIE)
Stay here, Erikké.
IRONYUPPIE
I want to help find your mother!
LANDSHARK
(kissing her on the forehead)
I’m afraid that what you’d do when we find her
could finish her off, love.
(smiles)
Now, I just need transport…
JUSTIN PICKARD
Take my sand-bike. There’s a full tank of sand.
LANDSHARK
Thanks…
(winks at camera)
Now it’d be REALLY mean for me to brutally
murder both of them by proxy in twenty years, eh?
JUSTIN PICKARD brings up the sand bike, which looks like an ordinary motorbike
with hairdryers instead of wheels, blasting air down to keep it floating.
LANDSHARK takes the keys from him and mounts it.
LANDSHARK
I won’t be long!
He starts the engine with a kick and then, without warning, the bike (still
with him on it) leaps into the air, comes down in a dangerous parabolic arc
and hits the surface of the sand dead-on. However, the sand parts before it and
it just dives below the surface as though it were water.
IRONYUPPIE
What was that?!
JUSTIN PICKARD
(winks)
Never seen a sand-bike before, eh?
(smiles)
A most delightful vehicle…
though you do get sand in everything…
IRONYUPPIE
Are you coming on to me?
I thought you were the gay one?
JUSTIN PICKARD frowns, takes out his notebook, leafs through it and finds a
page.
JUSTIN PICKARD
DAMMIT!
(shakes his head)
Way too much to kep track of these days…
Clock wipe to:
EXT. – SPACE – FORTSUMTER
The reddish planet of FORTSUMTER fills the screen. Visible around it is a black
starfield. Also, the planet has a ring system made up of asteroids originally
named the ‘Space Asteroids’.
From out of nowhere, a cyberspace portal opens up and the FIRST SERVANT comes
out, then heads towards the planet.
INT. – FIRST SERVANT – COCKPIT
WEAPON M is piloting, with the young BULGAROKTONOS beside him.
BULGAROKTONOS
Are we there yet?? Are we there yet???
WEAPON M
(in a put upon voice)
Nearly, son.
We see WEAPON M adjusting the yoke as he carefully pilots the ship around the
asteroids.
BULGAROKTONOS
Dad, look!
He points at a sensor panel showing a blip. The blip is shaped like a
Californian cartographer.
WEAPON M
So!
He immediately makes a massive yank on the yoke that twirls the FIRST SERVANT
through a series of manoeuvres looping around the asteroids.
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROIDS
We see the FIRST SERVANT dodging and diving through the asteroids. Behind it,
the STRANGELY AROUSING appears, DOCTOR WHAT piloting, and he follows.
INT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – COCKPIT
DOCTOR WHAT’s hands move at unnatural speeds over the controls, but his eyes
remain fixed on the view ahead, not looking down.
DIAMOND HOLO AVATAR
So your Kitjedi skills mean you can read
Weapon M’s every move, Doc?
DOCTOR WHAT
Well…
The STRANGELY AROUSING rocks as an asteroid bangs off the shields.
DOCTOR WHAT
…nearly.
DIAMOND
Watch my paintwork!
It took me hours to choose this colour scheme!
INT. – FIRST SERVANT – COCKPIT
WEAPON M looks displeasured.
BULGAROKTONOS
He’s staying with us, dad!
WEAPON M
Damned Kitjedi.
All right, time for the direct approach.
BULGAROKTONOS
(grinning)
I love the direct approach!
WEAPON M
(grinning back)
Who doesn’t?
He begins flipping controls.
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROIDS
DOCTOR WHAT keeps following the FIRST SERVANT, but suddenly the ship stops dead
in space and the STRANGELY AROUSING overshoots.
[center]INT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – COCKPIT
DOCTOR WHAT
Dammit! Missed that!
He quickly flips the ship around so he’s facing the FIRST SERVANT.
DOCTOR WHAT
Prepare to…
DIAMOND
Uh, Doc?
Visibile in the middle of the STRANGELY AROUSING’s cockpit canopy, the FIRST
SERVANT suddenly changes. It’s shaped like a donkey’s head, but now the
donkey’s mouth opens to reveal a massive array of missiles, the eyes turn into
giant laser cannons, the nostrils into torpedo launchers, and the ears into
swivelling blaster turrets. More and more weapons, far more than would appear to
be able to fit inside it, slide out and click into place.
DOCTOR WHAT
Um…fuck?
INT. – FIRST SERVANT – COCKPIT
There are now so many different targeting crosshairs locked over the STRANGELY
AROUSING that the ship itself is practically obscured.
WEAPON M
Fire!!
BULGAROKTONOS hammers down on a big red button.
EXT. - SPACE – ASTEROIDS
All the FIRST SERVANT’s weapons fire, in a bewildering explosion of missiles,
bombs, beams, rays, waves, bolts, torpedoes, blasts, bursts and lightning in
every colour of the rainbow. The recoil hurls the ship backward, where it slams
into an asteroid and begins pushing the asteroid back into other asteroids. The
weapons keep firing.
INT. – FIRST SERVANT – COCKPIT
WEAPON M holds down triggers with both hands, his eyes glowing as he develops a
maniacal grin. BULGAROKTONOS copies him. The cockpit is strobe-lit by the
stuttering energy blasts being fired from the ship’s cannons.
As we watch, though, a dozen different alarms and warning lights come on, and
finally there’s the sound of a small explosion and half the panels go black.
The weapons fire cuts out.
WEAPON M
Dammit. What’s happened this time?
BULGAROKTONOS
(examining console)
Something’s melted, but I’m not sure what.
WEAPON M
Well check the damage report machine!
BULGAROKTONOS
(pulls a twisted component out of console)
I think that’s what melted.
WEAPON M
Never mind.
(grins)
That’s one Kitjedi who’ll never innuendo again…
As he speaks, we get the view out of the cockpit canopy. There’s a massive
void cleared through the asteroids where the FIRST SERVANT’s weapons fired.
But now the silhouette of the STRANGELY AROUSING jets across it.
WEAPON M
(slams fist down)
Dammit! Missed!
BULGAROKTONOS
He’s heading into the denser asteroid field for cover, dad.
WEAPON M
So be it! We still have the harmonic resonance missiles!
Grinning, he hammers down on a button, and a single missile blasts out of the
battered front of the FIRST SERVANT.
WEAPON M
The resonance will shatter the asteroids
and crush him between the shards!
BULGAROKTONOS
(admiringly)
That’s so cool!!!
INT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – COCKPIT
DOCTOR WHAT
Thank the Innuendo I got us out of the way before he fired.
DIAMOND
Yeah, was that your Kitjedi precognisance?
DOCTOR WHAT
(coughs)
Um. Yes. Definitely. Not at all that I just flinched
out of sheer terror and jerked the yoke.
DIAMOND
I-
(interrupting himself)
They’ve just launched a missile.
DOCTOR WHAT
(wheeling yoke)
Evasives. Into the dense asteroid belt…
In the cockpit, indeed the asteroids are now much closer together and DOCTOR
WHAT is having to be very skilful to navigate between them.
DOCTOR WHAT
That ought to soak up any missile fire.
DIAMOND
But Doc, it’s a resonance missile!
DOCTOR WHAT
Dammit! That’ll shatter the asteroids
and crush us between the shards!
(thinks desperately)
Hey, do you have Sadgit countermeasures?
DIAMOND
I have one.
DOCTOR WHAT
Then launch it!
And prepare to drop all the spare bicycle clips!
DIAMOND
Aw, but I really like them.
DOCTOR WHAT
What?? But you don’t even wear pants,
what do you need with bicycle clips??!
DIAMOND
(muttering)
That’s not the point.
(out loud)
Launching Sadgit.
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROIDS
The STRANGELY AROUSING carefully weaves in and out of the asteroid, while behind
it the large missile from the FIRST SERVANT follows it, heading for a
particularly dense region.
As we watch, it explodes into a massive turquoise shockwave that, accompanied
with a strange, discordant sound effect, begins shattering the asteroids into
razor sharp shards. The wave heads toward the STRANGELY AROUSING…
And then the STRANGELY AROUSING fires a missile of its own towards it. The
missile’s nose cone breaks away to reveal that beneath it is a spotty teenager
with the pale skin of living in his parents’ basement.
SADGIT
Hey!! There’s no sound in space you inbred morons!
(smiles superciliously)
And I’m not missing the point at all!
The SADGIT explodes and his Sadgitness counteracts the sound-based shockwave,
causing it to halt and no more asteroids to be destroyed.
INT. – FIRST SERVANT – COCKPIT
BULGAROKTONOS
Signal gone…picking up debris…
WEAPON M
Got him!
(smiles)
Now, let’s go down to Fortsumter.
EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID
The FIRST SERVANT rises off the asteroid it had been thrown into – we see
there’s a donkey head-shaped depression where it was – and heads down to the
planet below. We then pan across to another part of the asteroid field, where
the STRANGELY AROUSING is clinging to the surface of a large asteroid, parked
between two roundish upthrusting hills. Its signal locator has stopped glowing
and it’s surrounded by bicycle clip ‘debris’.
INT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – COCKPIT
DIAMOND
They’re moving off. It worked!
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiles)
The ol’ ‘hiding on an asteroid’ trick works every time.
What could possibly go wrong now?
On either side of him, the two rocky hills suddenly open up to reveal they are
in fact massive yellow eyes.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, come on!
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – DESERTS – NIGHT
A montage of scenes on the desert at night, showing the featureless dunes
sharply lit by the light of the five moons.
As we watch, a ripple runs across the sands, disturbing them, as a humming sound
gets louder in the background.
The ripple gets bigger, sand being blasted upward and falling down, and then
suddenly the SANDBIKE erupts out of the desert, flies up into the air and plops
down on the ground. LANDSHARK is on top, now covered with a layer of sand. He
coughs up a cloud of fine dust and splits.
LANDSHARK
Bloody sand gets everywhere…
(he smiles fondly in reminiscence, then shakes his head)
LANDSHARK’s P.O.V. – ahead of him is a rock formation forming a natural
clearing, and in the middle of it is a blocky dark silhouette from which actinic
white artificial light is emanating.
LANDSHARK
So this must be the place.
LANDSHARK dismounts and tows the bike along toward the structure which, as we
see as we get closer, is a massive scaled up AUSTRALIAN UTE, like a monster
truck. It’s so large that the wheels are twelve feet in diameter, and the
interior is split into several levels with short, hooded AUSTRALIANS walking
back and forth. The AUSTRALIANS have corked hats on top of their hoods, are
continuously swigging from cans of beer, and have a massive barbecue out on the
back of the ute.
The ute’s huge door opens outward and down like a ramp, and from within the
oversized cabin, we can see the blue actinic light, plus sparks of blowtorches.
There’s a workshop in there.
LANDSHARK surveys the scene.
LANDSHARKS
Bloody convicts.
Obviously overcompensating for something.
(cups hand to mouth)
Oi! Take me to your leader!
The AUSTRALIANS pause and all look at him in incomprehension.
MAYHEM
What’d he say?
MICHAEL
Who cares. Typical pommy bastard.
LANDSHARK
(slaps forehead wearily)
I meant…
Ahem…
‘Don’t come the raw prawn, Bruces, but
I need to see the Head Bloke sharpish’
MAYHEM
Well why didn’t you just say so?!
MICHAEL and MAYHEM part to reveal behind them DMA, a slightly taller AUSTRALIAN
with expensive champagne corks on his hat.
DMA
(brusquely)
Yes?!
LANDSHARK
Seen any Dust Bunnies hereabouts?
DMA
Twenty kims west.
LANDSHARK
I see…
He hops back on the SAND BIKE, throttles up and it immediately dives back into
the sand. A moment later, it was as though it had never been.
MICHAEL
Huh. Didn’t even stay so we
could thrash him at cricket.
As he speaks, we hear a rumble, and suddenly the SAND BIKE re-emerges right
beneath the three AUSTRALIANS, knocking them over.
DMA
You nearly went right up our clackers,
you great figjam!
LANDSHARK
(owlishly)
One other thing.
’Scuse me, white cliffs of Dover?
The AUSTRALIANS all point in different directions.
LANDSHARK
Thank you.
He descends back into the sand, spraying the AUSTRALIANS with it.
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – DESERT – NIGHT
Montage of scenes showing epic deserts, but again all we see of LANDSHARK is the
ripple as the bike tunnels through the sand a little below the surface. The
moons are full. At one point LANDSHARK emerges to find a campsite and two
butchered corpses of farmers, clearly comrades of JEAN-LUC PICKARD. He shakes
his head grimly, then revs up and dives down again.
In the distance, we hear something howl.
INT. – PICKARD SAND FARM – NIGHT
IRONYUPPIE is pacing back and forth impatiently, then stops as she hears the
distant howl. She looks angry and then resumes pacing.
C-LEO
Is something wrong, Mistress Erikké?
IRONYUPPIE glances up to see the political, still walking a bit awkwardly from
his mismatched body parts, coming down the stairs towards her.
IRONYUPPIE
(frankly)
I’m worried about Landie.
He’s out there on his own,
without me to protect him…
C-LEO
I’m sure Master Landshark can
take care of himself. Why, as the
Mandaeans say-
IRONYUPPIE promptly puts her index finger on C-LEO’s lips.
IRONYUPPIE
I believe you.
(pause)
It’s been a while since I saw Landie
put your first components together…
By now, are you…
(pause)
Fully functional?
C-LEO
I – Mistress Erikké!
IRONYUPPIE
(grinning)
I like it when you call me that.
C-LEO starts backing away.
C-LEO
I cannot! Do not the scriptures
(which were obviously originally
written by a Mandaean)
say that-
IRONYUPPIE
Landie won’t know.
Now let’s see if I can jiggle
your parts into the right places
by repetitive motion…
C-LEO
(gulps)
What Would Rudolf Macuch Do…?
The screen mercifully goes black.
Clock wipe to:
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – ASTEROID RING – SPACE
Pan across the asteroids surrounding the reddish planet below. One of the larger
ones turns over to reveal that DOCTOR WHAT’s ship, the Strangely Arousing,
is parked on top…and the ‘asteroid’ has just opened two big eyes. A mouth
follows…
INT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – COCKPIT
DOCTOR WHAT
(hitting buttons desperately)
Dammit, what do we do?
DIAMOND
I’m stuck to that thing’s tongue!
It’s…
(shudders)
DOCTOR WHAT
The obvious?
DIAMOND
Quite the opposite. But I can’t break free!
As he speaks, DOCTOR WHAT guns the engines, and we see yellow flame blast out of
the pantsless ship’s ‘feet’ and burn the surface of the asteroid-creature’s
tongue. It blinks its eyes angrily but nothing else happens.
DOCTOR WHAT
Can you hit it in the eye?
DIAMOND
Not with an engine burn, and we’re
all out of weapons after that little
crazy adventure!
DOCTOR WHAT
(dismissively)
Call that a crazy adventure?
My friend, no adventure can be
classed as ‘crazy’ unless lesbian
vampires with chest sizes that cannot
be understood without resorting
to imaginary numbers-
DIAMOND
Can we discuss this some other time?!
The ship is being dragged in as the asteroid-beast pulls in its tongue.
DOCTOR WHAT
You do realise that if you’d worn pants, we
could just jettison them and break free?
DIAMOND
(angrily)
Why, I-
(serene)
No. No, it was still worth it.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
Good thing I went behind your back then…
DIAMOND
What??
DOCTOR WHAT
I installed…
(proudly produces a remote, hits the button)
EMERGENCY PANTS!
EXT. – ASTEROID CREATURE – SPACE
The creature’s rocky tongue has nearly dragged the Strangely Arousing
all the way in. Then, as we watch, the apparently bare skin on the ship’s legs
peels away, remaining stuck to the tongue while the rest of the ship slides out
– disguised emergency pants!
The creature bites down on the pants as the Strangely Arousing, straining
its engines to the full, blasts away. We hear a terrific CRUNCH as the creature
breaks its teeth, then looks puzzled.
INT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – COCKPIT
The DIAMOND avatar looked incensed.
DIAMOND
I’ll never forgive you for this.
All that time I thought I
was revelling in the glory of pantslessness…
DOCTOR WHAT
Look at it this way, at least
now you’ve entered a new vista
of pantslessness-beyond-pantlessness…
DIAMOND
(grudgingly)
Yeah.
(adding: )
I’m still going to brutally kill you though 
DOCTOR WHAT
Good good.
(beat)
Now, take us down to Fortsumter.
Follow that bounty hunter!
EXT. – SPACE
The Strangely Arousing, bare metal now exposed on its legs, cruises down
through the planet’s atmosphere. In the distance, among the asteroids, WORLD
TRADE ORGANISATION FRIED EGG SHIPS are visible…
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – SKIES
The Strangely Arousing flies along through the slightly dusty atmosphere.
The planet below is mostly rocky and barren, with mesas, though there are some
blue oceans and seas.
The ship cruises down to a landing hidden beneath a handy rock overhang.
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – LANDING SITE
DOCTOR WHAT pops the canopy and gets out of the ship.
DOCTOR WHAT
Now you stay here and get on with your mapmaking!
DIAMOND
(scornfully)
Like I can cartograph with these pathetic
sensor lenses you’ve given me! The refractive
index is at least 0.35 microns off, and-
DOCTOR WHAT diplomatically slams the cockpit canopy shut, cutting off DIAMOND’s
voice.
He turns around…to be confronted by a horde of lethal CATFISH IN REVERSE
WETSUITS WITH HARPOON GUNS!!!!
DOCTOR WHAT
This isn’t even funny anymore!
(ignites his Sexsword; the pink glow illuminates his face)
Let’s rock.
~~
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – NR. DUST BUNNY WARREN – NIGHT
More scenes of the deserts of Arrakisimeantatooine at night, lit by the five
moons. The rolling dunes give way to a more hummocky area, spotted with strange
holes, large and small.
As we watch, a familiar ripple runs through the sand and LANDSHARK bursts out of
the ground on his sand bike, spitting sand.
LANDSHARK
Ugh. I feel like a bucket and spade.
LANDSHARK’s P.O.V – closer look at the dunes and the holes – we see that
faint glimmers of artificial light are coming from some of them. Fires…and the
dark silhouettes of guards…
LANDSHARK shudders and an expression of horror crosses his face.
LANDSHARK
I can feel you, Mum. I’m coming!
LANDSHARK is about to swing his leg off the bike and stride towards the holes,
then slaps his forehead.
LANDSHARK
What am I doing?
It’s underground!
He leaps back onto the bike, revs up and it blasts underground with a shower of
sand.
When the cloud of falling sand settles down, it reveals TWO MAN-SIZED HEAPS OF
SAND…one with two indignant blinking eyes, and the other with three.
NEK
(VO; two eyes)
Dammit! I told you we got too close!
DAVID BAR ELIAS
(VO; three eyes)
I’ll have you know that it says in the
Holy Talmud that the closer one gets-
NEK
Never mind.
They shake themselves and the sand falls away, revealing NEK and DAVID BAR
ELIAS, who’s holding the camera (the third eye).
NEK
Ugh. That sand’s got everywhere.
DAVID BAR ELIAS
I know, I feel violated.
NEK
Yeah, and not in a good way…
(in troubled tones)
How can this be??
DAVID BAR ELIAS
(hoisting camera)
Anyway, we’d best go and film the Dramatic Scene.
NEK
(sighs)
You call this drama?
NEK starts to walk towards the DUST BUNNY WARRENS; DAVID BAR ELIAS pauses for a
moment, rooting around in his pockets.
NEK
(turning around)
What are you waiting for?
DAVID BAR ELIAS
Ah! Found it!
(produces Israeli flag, stabs it into the ground)
I claim this planet for the-
(flicks through notebook)
-Fifty-Third Zion!
NEK
Oh, great. Do we have to go through the
whole consecration ceremony again?
DAVID BAR ELIAS
(with dignity)
You should be glad that I agreed to cut
out the part with the seven goats and
the Ark of the Covenant.
(scowls)
Who’d’ve thought there’d be a specific
commandmant in Leviticus, ‘Thou Shalt
Not Leicestrian Teens Near Thy Livestock’?
NEK
(hotly)
You added that in in biro!
The two begin fighting in the sand, DAVID BAR ELIAS hitting NEK with the heavy
camera and NEK pulling the Israeli flag pole from the ground and attempting to
stab DAVID BAR ELIAS with it.
DAVID BAR ELIAS
Hey, I think according to the rules,
one of us has to have our shirt ripped.
NEK
I knew there was an upside to this job!
DAVID BAR ELIAS
…and then snog the pretty alien babe at the end.
NEK
Yeah! And-
(pauses, thinks)
How about we share responsibilities?
INT. – DUST BUNNY WARREN – NIGHT
The sand tunnels at the interior of the warren are crude, almost organic. They’re
lit by Ominous Flickering Torches™ and the sand is shaped into attempts at
Gothic arches. In the distance, we can hear a rhythmic thrumming sound which
gradually increases. The screen starts to shake and particles of sand start
slowly falling from the ceiling of the tunnel. Then-
LANDSHARK and the sand bike burst through the wall of the tunnel, destroying
several sand-arches; they collapse into a pile of dust.
LANDSHARK
(surveys the damage)
Another crime against style eliminated.
(smiles)
LANDSHARK swings his leg off the sand bike and walks off down the corridor. He
pulls out his Sexsword but does not ignite it.
In the distance, we hear the sound of heavy footsteps beating at the floor, in
step. LANDSHARK pauses, waits at the junction of two corridors, peers around the
corner.
EIGHT DUST BUNNIES – huge, insubstantial rabbit-headed humanoids made out of
dust clouds – march down the tunnel with military precision. They’re holding
long metal staffs and are all looking straight ahead. In fact, they march
straight past LANDSHARK without seeing him, even though he’d visibly hanging
around the corner. LANDSHARK watches, his expression unreadable, as they pass.
LANDSHARK
Sheesh, and I thought the shameless
Dune ripoffs were bad enough.
Moving stealthily, LANDSHARK creeps from one corridor junction to the next,
though of course always remaining stylish. He pauses at one point, colour
draining from his face, as he obviously feels something psychically through the
Innuendo.
LANDSHARK
I’m coming, Mum!
LANDSHARK throws caution to the wind and charges through the last few tunnels.
In the background, we hear continuous moans, slowly growing louder.
LANDSHARK
Mum…
INT. – DUST BUNNY WARREN – OUTSIDE CHAMBER – NIGHT
The entrance to a chamber is obvious, with a large mediaeval metal gate (with
a Playboy bunny head symbol on it) blocking the portal. On either side are
two DUST BUNNY GUARDS, wearing metallic armour (including rabbit’s-head
shaped helmets) that somehow sits on top of their unsubstantial dust forms.
LANDSHARK looks around the nearest corner and nods slowly. He looks regretfully
at his Sexsword, still unignited.
LANDSHARK
(in a sigh)
Damned Kitjedi morality…
With an almost dismissive flick of his hand, LANDSHARK makes a mystical gesture
aimed at the two DUST BUNNY GUARDS>
LANDSHARK
(to himself…)
Any moment now…
The two DUST BUNNY GUARDS both start, leaping up in the air and then staring at
each other.
DUST BUNNIES
(simultaneously, in breathy voices)
You want me to WHAT?!
LANDSHARK
(grinning)
And now they run away…
DUST BUNNIES
(together)
I thought you’d never ask!
Tight on – LANDSHARK’s facial expression as he stares, coming out from
behind the corner. We hear confusing clanging sounds and a rabbit-head helmet
goes bong-bong-bong as it bounces down the tunnel past LANDSHARK’s foot.
LANDSHARK’s expression goes from amazed to intrigued to disgusted and back
again. He stares at his hands as though they are dirty.
LANDSHARK
It wasn’t supposed to do that!
(eyes narrow)
Someone’s messing with the Innuendo here!
And I think I know who…
Decisively, he steps forward, past the two DUST BUNNIES rolling around on the
floor and merging into one dust cloud (he shakes his head in disgust) and
towards the iron portal.
Focus on LANDSHARK in the darkness as he raises his Sexsword to en garde
position and, looking straight at the hilt, ignites it. The bright pink energy
blade extends, then becomes rigid almost immediately.
LANDSHARK
I always knew this career path
would open doors for me.
LANDSHARK makes an apparently wild series of slashes at the iron portal – a
pregnant pause – and then it comes crashing down, the metal fragments all
artfully cut into the shape of classic shoe styles.
LANDSHARK
Landshark enters the room looking
sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde’s
witticisms that’s been rolled to a point,
sprinkled with lemon juice,
and jabbed into someone’s eye…
LANDSHARK walks through the opened portal.
INT. – DUST BUNNY GREAT CHAMBER – NIGHT
Focus on the doorway from the other side as LANDSHARK steps through. He brings
up his Sexsword in a martial position, then, as he takes in the scene, his eyes
widen and the stiff blade flops flaccidly.
LANDSHARK
(mumbling to himself)
Never happened to me before…
N-RED
(VO, weakly)
Landie…
LANDSHARK
(eyes snap back)
Mum…
(sharply)
What the hell do you think you’re doing?!
Pan out and across to reveal that this chamber is a picture of luxurious
opulence, with a jewelled hot tub, a magnificent fireplace shaped out of sand,
and a great four-poster bed that fills a large part of the room.
In the middle of this bed, her eyes sunken and generally looking ill, is N-RED.
A crown is hanging off one of her ears.
LANDSHARK dashes to her side and goes down on one knee.
N-RED
Landie…
My little Landie…
How you’ve grown…
(eyes narrow)
Here, you’ve got something there-
(produces handkerchief)
Spit-
(LANDSHARK complies in a very put-upon way)
There…
(she wipes a speck of dust off his cheek)
LANDSHARK
Yes, yes, we’ve established the mother stereotype,
now what the fenk is going on?!
N-RED
When the…when the Dust Bunnies captured me,
they planned to cook and eat me as their main course…
LANDSHARK
Those bastards!
(with feeling)
Any fool knows you serve Lesbian for dessert!
N-RED
(coughs pointedly)
Anyway…
(a visible cloud of dust emerges and she goes into a coughing fit)
LANDSHARK
Mum??
N-RED
Landie, I got into their good graces and,
after bumping off a few strategic leaders…
(smiles to herself)
I became their queen.
LANDSHARK
(admiringly)
Quick work, mum!
N-RED
Yes, but…
(coughs; more dust)
It was my downfall, you see…
(looks into LANDSHARK’s eyes)
I’m allergic to dust.
LANDSHARK
Mum! No!
N-RED
Yes, Landie.
I’m dying…
LANDSHARK
No! There are Kitjedi doctors who can help you!
N-RED
You’d never get me there in time…I…
(coughs)
Landie, I’m so proud of you, a Kitjedi, I…
(coughs twice in succession)
And while you’re at it, take this and shove
it in a stripper’s G-string for me...
With a shaking hand, she gives him a $10 note. LANDSHARK takes her hand in
midair and she closes his fingers over it.
LANDSHARK
No, Mum, I…
N-RED
Landie…
She goes into a last spasm of coughing, then finally makes a ‘hic!’ sound
and slumps, her head lolling back. LANDSHARK cradles her body in his arms.
LANDSHARK
(to sky; heart-rending)
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
(to himself)
Hmm, I wonder if NOOOing ability is hereditary?
(shakes himself)
I won’t let this stand!
(puts N-RED down, strikes a heroic pose)
I won’t let you down, Mum!
I know how proud of me you were because
I became an upright and moral Kitjedi, so
what I’ll do now is brutally slaughter all those
Dust Bunnies!
(smiles)
You know it makes sense!
LANDSHARK pulls out his Sexsword again and the blade ignites to its full length.
But now, the pink is crackling with shades of evil green; LANDSHARK affects not
to notice.
INT. – DUST BUNNY TUNNELS – SHADOWS
We see the sequence mostly through indistinct shadows and flashes of light from
LANDSHARK’s blade. A montage of scenes, as LANDSHARK hurtles through the
tunnels with Kitjedi speed, slashing randomly at DUST BUNNIES and screaming in
rage. The savage BUNNIES respond with clouds of dust, but LANDSHARK squeezes his
eyes shut and mutters under his breath, using the Innuendo to guide his actions.
His Sexsword glows ever brighter (but ever greener) as he reaches deep
within himself to gain the power for all this.
Three DUST BUNNIES in guard armour block his path, twirling their halberds;
LANDSHARK simply slices through the halberds and armour, then as the blade
contacts their dusty bodies, they explode into showers of green sparks.
LANDSHARK
AAAAAARRGGHHH DIE DIE DIE!!!
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – OUTSIDE DUST BUNNY TUNNELS – NIGHT
The same view from the outside, with the sand hummocks and the tunnel holes. But
now the flickering torchlights shining out are going dim, and instead flashes of
green light are coming from inside as LANDSHARK’s blade slices through things.
Very distantly, we hear his enraged cry, and the DUST BUNNIES’ shrieks.
The scene is interrupted as the silhouette of NEK steps on.
NEK
(patiently)
NOW can we go and film the big battle scene?
DAVID BAR ELIAS
Soon! Just after I’ve found a tape measure
that works in cubits…
NEK sighs.
Clock wipe to:
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – ROCKY CLIFFS – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is pressed back up against a wall, with his Sexsword out, surrounded
by slavering FLYING CATFISH WITH REVERSE WETSUITS.
DOCTOR WHAT
I know this is a Confederate themed planet
but this is just ridiculous!
One of the CATFISH lunges at him with a pike that appears to be adapted out of a
fishhook – DOCTOR WHAT ducks as it passes overhead, just nicking his ear, and
hammers into the rockface behind him.
DOCTOR WHAT
(rubbing his bleeding ear)
Hey!!
(determinedly)
You’ll pay for that!
DOCTOR WHAT’s Sexsword flashes out, stabs the CATFISH and yanks it back,
faster than the others can react. Unfortunately, DOCTOR WHAT tries to do it with
a little too much style, and the now-broiled-by-the-Sexsword catfish slaps him
right in the face.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ouch!
(thoughtful pause as the fish slips down his face)
One moment…
He grabs the fish in his free hand and takes a thoughtful bite, spitting out the
bit of reverse-wetsuit material.
DOCTOR WHAT
This is delicious!
(smiles evilly)
I think it’s time for a new recipe!
Doctor What’s Love Catfish!
The remaining FLYING CATFISH pause, eye one another worriedly, and then
cartoonishly vanish so fast that their pikes and wetsuits remain in midair for a
second before clattering to the floor.
DOCTOR WHAT
Knew that would work.
(spits out bit of catfish, makes face)
Actually this tastes like latex thighboots
soaked in a lesbian’s old urine.
He pauses, shrugs, then starts eating the rest of the catfish.
FLASHBACK – UNILEVERCAN
In sepia tones, we see DARTH POLITICUS, DARTH PIRANHAS and DARTH LJOFA all
sitting around a table.
DARTH PIRANHAS
(Count Dearborn)
What about Lombardi? He’s intelligent,
he might suspect…
DARTH POLITICUS
(smiles)
Don’t worry. I’ve arranged for it that
Lombardi never uncovers our plans…
DARTH LJOFA
You’re arranging for him to have an…accident?
DARTH POLITICUS
Nothing so inelegant.
Well…
A laundry one, perhaps.
The Miffed Lords grin at each other.
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – ABOVE THE PLAIN – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT has moved on. He’s now in a position on a ledge above a less rocky
plain below. A plain occupied by countless spherical, yellow landed starships
arranged in neat rows and attached to docking stations. Surrounding them are
even more transport haulers, and on them are thousands, millions of
CYBORG BATTLE POLITICALS, patiently waiting to be sorted into place.
DOCTOR WHAT
(looking through binoculars)
Curses! A World Trade Organisation army!
This was banned by the Treaty of Najoisey!
I’ll have to report all this!
(thinks to himself)
Hang on, a secret Republic army AND a
secret WTO army? I wonder if someone’s
manipulating us into a war as part of a grand
scheme to take over the Internet-
(suddenly grips binoculars tighter)
Ooh! Window of the women’s changing
room on that ship over there!
(hurriedly dials zoom function)
~~
DOCTOR WHAT watches avidly for a moment, then slaps himself.
DOCTOR WHAT
Stay good, Bruno! Stay good!
He shakes his head.
DOCTOR WHAT
I have to report this.
We see DOCTOR WHAT running back from the ledge and across the rocky terrain to
where the Strangely Arousing is parked.
INT. – STRANGELY AROUSING – COCKPIT
We see the DIAMOND HOLO AVATAR painstakingly balancing one piece of holo-light
on another, slowly constructing a wonderfully intricate and complex globe that
also includes the entire Washington’s Warlocks TL written in microfiche along
the inter-state borders.
As we watch, he gently lowers the final North Pole ice cap piece into position…
DOCTOR WHAT starts pounding on the side of the cockpit.
DOCTOR WHAT
(muffled)
Diamond!!
The globe collapses into chaos, DIAMOND still holding the last piece upraised in
his frozen hand. His expression remains fixed.
DOCTOR WHAT
DIAMOND!!
DIAMOND
(in a mutter)
No jury would ever convict me…
(out loud)
What?!!
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s right!
(consults a notebook)
Listen, ‘trailblazer’ to ‘retirement home’.
DIAMOND
What?? Speak English, man!
DOCTOR WHAT
(testily)
It’s a secret code!
DIAMOND
So damn secret that you neglected
to tell anyone outside the privacy of
your addled mind? [/i]
DOCTOR WHAT
Might have.
(shakes his head)
Anywho, I meant, get me the Chancellor’s Office on Unilevercan!
DIAMOND
(tutting)
You only had to ask.
(he unfolds a map of the comm network,
made of holo-light, and sighs)
What moron designed this? That colour
scheme doesn’t work at all with that font!
(he begins scribbling on it to make corrections)
DOCTOR WHAT
Ahem?
DIAMOND
(sighs)
Fine.
He begins connecting the communications lines.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – OUTSIDE CHANCELLOR’S OFFICE
(As before – establishing shot – evening)
INT. – CHANCELLOR’S OFFICE
GRIMM REAPER, seated in a suspiciously large chair, looks at a hologram of
DOCTOR WHAT. Together with him, standing in two groups of Senators and Kitjedi,
are THE GUNSLINGER, RADICAL_NEUTURAL, FILO, SATYRANE, KITJED21 and GREY WOLF.
DOCTOR WHAT HOLOGRAM
Ships from the World Trade Organisation
are taking deliveries of Battle Politicals from
the Indoctrination Camps on Fortsumter…
It looks as though some of the FTSE100
companies are there as well.
THE GUNSLINGER
(outraged)
The Treaty of Najoisey prohibits the WTO
from possessing an army! What the hell
are they playing at?
DOCTOR WHAT HOLOGRAM
The indoctrination camps appear to be
running at full capacity…I am going
to go down and investigate…I shall
bring Weapon M Roktonos back for questioning.
GRIMM REAPER
(stroking his goatee)
Those indoctrination camps on Fortsumter
are owned by Microsoft and Wal-Mart.
I shall put some very pointed questions to them…
(winks at camera)
…as though I don’t know the answers already…
DOCTOR WHAT HOLOGRAM
One more thing – Weapon M mentioned he was
recruited by a man named Darth Piranhas –
do any of you know who he must be?
KITJED21
That is a Miffed name, look you.
GRIMM REAPER looks slightly nervous.
GREY WOLF
Um, our missing apprentice?
GRIMM REAPER looks relieved.
DOCTOR WHAT HOLOGRAM
And as to the identity of the mysterious
Dude-Whose-Name-Has-Never-Been-Mentioned-
Before-But-Is-Coincidentally-Quite-Similar-To-Reaper’s-
Miffed-Alias-But-Isn’t-Actually-A-Reference-To-That-So-The
Audience-Is-Totally-Confused-For-No-Reason…
SATYRANE
(meditatively)
There are too many pieces missing
from this jigsaw.
GREY WOLF
(an order)
Proceed with caution, Doctor-What.
The situation is becoming far from routine.
The DOCTOR WHAT HOLOGRAM nods and fades. GRIMM REAPER stares at the
holoprojector in mock disbelief.
THE GUNSLINGER
The Evil Multinational Corporations
are preparing for war, then.
FILO
There can be no doubt of that.
GRIMM REAPER
Count Dearborn must have made a treaty with them…
…as though I didn’t write it…
GREY WOLF
We must, um, stop them before they
are ready to attack.
FILO
The debate is over – we need that clone army now!
THE GUNSLINGER
No, the debate is not over. The Senate
won’t approve this. Not before it’s too late.
Silence. In which GRIMM REAPER, under the table, makes a certain gesture…
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(staring straight ahead)
waht fi ew vtoe teh cahncelolr
emrgcy pwrs, u fcukin crakcheads?
eh cud odre tihs wihtout sneate aprpoval!
GRIMM REAPER
(smiling insincerely)
Now now, I wouldn’t want absolute power…
…far too unambitious…
…too much like a dictatorship…
(decisively)
We must rely on the Kitjedi.
Master Kitjed, how many are ready
to go to Fortsumter?
KITJED21 exchanges a glance with GREY WOLF.
KITJED21
Perhaps two hundred.
THE GUNSLINGER
Even with Kitjedi, that won’t be a match
for hundreds of thousands of Battle Politicals.
GRIMM REAPER
(smiling)
…which is exactly what I had hoped for…
SATYRANE
Patience. We should wait for Doctor-What
to report back. We don’t even know if
Count Dearborn has allied with the
Evil Multinationals and the World Trade Organisation,
it’s all just speculation.
GRIMM REAPER frowns and makes another gesture.
FILO
We have to prepare for the worst.
I’m going to table a motion granting
the Chancellor emergency powers!
GRIMM REAPER
No, Senator. You are too closely aligned
to me…it will be opposed…
It must come from a neutral source.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
smoebdoy clal?
KITJED21
(hastily)
He said neutral, not neutural!
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
i shlal tabel teh mtoitin ni
sneator iornuyupii’s sted.
(smiles loopily, dribbles)
im suer its teh eaxct opopopsit
fo waht seh wud hav wnated!
GRIMM REAPER
(loudly drowning the others out)
Well, if it’s absolutely necessary, I shall have to acquiesce.
(smiles pointedly)
Clock wipe to:
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – PICKARD SAND FARM
The suns are just rising. Off in the sandy distance, we can see the ripple of an
underground sand bike approaching the farm.
INT. – PICKARD SAND FARM – IRONYUPPIE’S ROOM
We see the silhouette of IRONYUPPIE standing in from of the curtained window,
watching the approaching ripple.
IRONYUPPIE
Landshark has returned.
C-LEO
(VO; weakly)
Oh, good.
IRONYUPPIE spins around and points an accusing finger at the still-unseen figure
of C-LEO.
IRONYUPPIE
Now, not a word of this to Landie!
C-LEO
I’m already trying to suppress
the memories as we speak.
IRONYUPPIE
A good one, eh?
C-LEO
(diplomatically)
Er…not even Neo-Mandaic
has words that can express it.
IRONYUPPIE grins and exits. In the corner, we see PAULSPRING-D2 enter, bleeping
to himself.
C-LEO
Hey! PaulSpring!
Can you get me out of this thing?
It chafes my subjunctive preposition…
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep bleeble bleep!
C-LEO
(indignantly)
I am thinking of ‘the children’!
PAULSPRING-D2
(outraged)
BLEEP?
C-LEO
Not like that!
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – DAY
We see the ripple approaching – IRONYUPPIE comes out of the house to greet
LANDSHARK – he explodes out of the sand and comes crashing down beside her,
covering her in sand.
IRONYUPPIE
Landie!!
LANDSHARK impassively gets off the sandbike, goes over to IRONYUPPIE, and hugs
her for support.
IRONYUPPIE
(muffled)
What happened?
LANDSHARK
(in a flat monotone)
Basically my mum had inveigled her
way into the Dust Bunnies as per
usual but she was allergic to dust
so she died and then I killed them all,
all of them, women and children, I did.
IRONYUPPIE
Oh.
(smallest of pauses)
Want to share a soda?
LANDSHARK
(a little bit annoyed)
Er? Excuse me? I just said that
I killed dozens of people in
cold blood?
IRONYUPPIE
(dismissively)
Yes, yes, every boy has to
have a hobby.
LANDSHARK
(throwing up his hands)
Can someone explain to me
why she isn’t running a mile?!!
INT. – THANDE’S FILM STUDIO
THANDE is sitting in a deckchair with a clipboard and being brought sundaes by
DAVID BAR ELIAS and NEK, who roll their eyes at each other.
THANDE
I can’t be arsed to write that in.
(Dismissively)
Oh, chuck some more CGI in, no-one
cares about the storyline anyway.
In the background, G.BONE shrugs and cranks up a lever on his huge bank of
computer servers and video display screens.
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – DAY
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE watch, unmoved, as countless, intricately detailed,
spacecraft and aliens hurtle past the PICKARD SAND FARM, fight in a spectacular
battle in midair, and then crash to the ground.
BOTH
Whatever.
Time lapse, and we see LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE, plus a glum looking JUSTIN
GREEN, JUSTIN PICKARD and JEAN-LUC PICKARD, sitting or standing around a simple
gravestone out in the sand.
LANDSHARK
(half to himself…)
I won’t fail you again, Mum…
As the silence stretches out, we hear a series of bleeps. LANDSHARK turns to
find PAULSPRING-D2 approaching, with C-LEO behind him.
LANDSHARK
(aggrieved)
What is it??
C-LEO
(blushing)
O, Master Landie.
(avoids IRONYUPPIE’s gaze)
My right-wing counterpart speaks
of a message received from a –
Mr Doctor-What Lombardi?
INT. – TINFOIL – DAY
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK crowd around the ship’s holoprojector as a (different)
holo message from DOCTOR WHAT plays:
DOCTOR WHAT HOLOGRAM
…have pledged their armies to Count Dearborn
and they’re forming a – what? Aaargh!!
The hologram suddenly lights up bright as an energy blast hits DOCTOR WHAT and
vanishes as he falls out of the field of view, but briefly shows a firing
ROEDECKER as it enters it. The hologram fizzles out altogether, leaving
LANDSHARK’s shocked expression.
LANDSHARK
I’m going after him!
IRONYUPPIE
You should at least send it on to Unilevercan first…
LANDSHARK
If I must.
Time lapse of LANDSHARK tinkering with the machine, then-
GREY WOLF HOLOGRAM
…thank you for relaying the holo-message, Landie.
We will deal with Count Dearborn. You must stay
there and protect the Senator.
LANDSHARK
Understood.
The GREY WOLF HOLOGRAM fades.
LANDSHARK
I do, of course, reserve the right to interpret
your orders, in this case my interpretation being
‘throw caution to the wind and go and save
Doctor-What, dragging IronYuppie along with you’.
IRONYUPPIE
Dragging? Fenk that!
They grin at each other.
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE/SPACE – DAY
The Tinfoil takes off and blasts into the sky, then when it reaches
space, shoots off into cyberspace.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – KITJEDI TEMPLE
Surrounding the Kitjedi Temple are hundreds of flying cars and parked
spacecraft: every Kitjedi in the region has been called here.
INT. – KITJEDI TEMPLE – COUNCIL CHAMBER
Many Kitjedi are assembled, with GREY WOLF and KITJED21 standing in the centre.
KITJED21
(rhetorically)
How many do we have here?
GREY WOLF
(pointing as he counts)
Um, one, two, three, pi,
the square root of six hundred and forty eight,
(looks confused)
Fuck it! Lost count!
One, two…
SATYRANE
(coughing pointedly)
Two hundred.
GREY WOLF
(impressed)
That was fast!
KITJED21
(ignoring this)
We must go to Fortsumter
to stop Count Dearborn.
Some murmurs of discontent. SATYRANE steps forward, with BIRDIE beside him.
SATYRANE
We cannot go above and beyond
the Republic without the Senate’s
decision! We are the servants of the
Republic, it says so in the Constitution!
SATYRANE pulls out a scroll and lets it drop to the floor – a ridiculously
long sheaf of paper pours out, piling up on the floor and engulfing a surprised
BIRDIE, who falls over and yells for help as he is consumed by the scroll.
SATYRANE keeps his eyes flicking back and forth on the text as it scrolls past,
then stops it and circles a clause in triumph with a red biro.
SATYRANE
There! The 1951735th Amendment!
No acting without
Senate approval on armed
endeavours of over 199 people!
GREY WOLF
Fine, you stay behind.
SATYRANE
(annoyed)
That’s not what I meant!
BIRDIE’s hand suddenly thrusts upward through the piles of constitution a la
zombies bursting out of the grave, and points to the circled clause.
BIRDIE
(muffled)
Actually that’s the 1951736th Amendment, Sat…
‘We reserve the right to separate the arms from bears
while giving the church to free state and the lack of
an established right in free speech…’
KITJED21
(coughing)
Anyway. We cannot wait for the Senate
to make its decision. We must go now.
GREY WOLF
(turning to KITJED21)
I shall lead our forces, Master Kitjed.
You remain here and keep an eye on the Senate…
KITJED21 nods. GREY WOLF turns to the assembled Kitjedi and ignites his Sexsword.
GREY WOLF
Umm, follow me if you want to die?
The KITJEDI cheer and follow him out of the room.
INT. – UNILEVERCAN – SENATE
The room is suffused with disagreement and murmurs. Chunks of meringue and
trickles of melting ice cream topple down from the sides of the room into the
unknown chasm below. Only GRIMM REAPER sits placidly on his glacier cherry,
unmindful of the discontent.
IÑAKI
(banging a gavel)
Order! Order!
The head comes off IÑAKI’s gavel and he shrugs, chewing on the handle, which
turns out to be nougat.
Order gradually comes. GRIMM REAPER stands up and takes his place behind his
Cadbury’s Flake podium.
GRIMM REAPER
In the absence of Senator IronYuppie,
the chair recognises Senator Rad Rad Neut of Najoisey…
GRIMM REAPER sits down and begins munching on his Flake podium.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL’s meringue flies drunkenly out into the middle of the Senate
room. The tone of the other senators is mainly one of confusion.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
hlelo yuo fcukin crakheds!
i cliam yuor eras!
More confusion. GRIMM REAPER nods to IÑAKI, who presses a switch. We pan around
the other Senators – including THE GUNSLINGER and FILO around the room, each
of whom has a translator earpiece in their ear.
TRANSLATOR COMPUTER VOICE
(flat monotone in the Senators’ ears)
Greetings, please listen.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
teh stiutatino si cirtitcl!
TRANSLATOR COMPUTER VOICE
The situation is critical.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
deprest mezrs msut eb tkaen!
TRANSLATOR COMPUTER VOICE
Desperate measures must be taken.
The Senators look on, frowning.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(striking a pose)
ew msut giv teh sprem hcancelor
emrgy pwrs os eh cna pwn su!
GRIMM REAPER gives IÑAKI a nod, and he slightly adjusts his controls…
TRANSLATOR COMPUTER VOICE
(after a pause)
Who wants the chance to hit me with custard pies?
All of the Senators stare at each other, then-
ALL
AYE!!!
GRIMM REAPER smiles as the Senators stand up and begin hurling missiles at
RADICAL_NEUTURAL.
RADICAL_NEUTURAL
mesa luv yuo fcukin crakheds 2…
GRIMM REAPER
(softly)
You don’t realise it, but you’ve just handed
me the keys to power…
(to IÑAKI)
Is the record clear?
IÑAKI
Yes, my lord. A unanimous aye
to the vote for your emergency powers.
GRIMM REAPER
(steepling fingers)
Exxxcellent. Now send our Porn army
to Fortsumter.
Pull back, to reveal KITJED21 watching the Senate events from a distance.
KITJED21
(sorrowfully, to himself)
The Porn War has begun…
EXT. – SPACE – FORTSUMTER
The red-coloured world of Fortsumter and its asteroid field fills the screen.
The silvery TINFOIL emerges from cyberspace and dives down towards the
surface.
EXT. – FORTSUMTER
The TINFOIL flies over the mountainous surface and lands when it finds a
flat shelf of land.
INT. – TINFOIL – COCKPIT
LANDSHARK is importantly striding back and forth, igniting his Sexsword, and
posing and examining his immaculate Kitjedi robes in the reflective silvery
bulkhead as though it were a mirror.
LANDSHARK
(to himself)
‘Landshark enters the planet
looking cooler than Mr. T’s
deep freeze unit on Pluto’…
LANDSHARK nods to himself in satisfaction and takes a step back, turning ot find
that IRONYUPPIE is standing there wearing a white combat jumpsuit and holding a
laser pistol.
LANDSHARK
Whoa whoa!
What’s happening here Miss Important
Senator Who I’m Supposed To Safeguard?
IRONYUPPIE
(impatiently)
If you want to protect me, you’d
better damn well follow!
She goes down the ramp, followed by C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2, who are already
arguing with each other. LANDSHARK sighs to himself.
LANDSHARK
One of these days, if she’s not careful,
I’ll end up strangling her. On a lava planet.
He shrugs, and follows.
INT. – FORTSUMTER – TUNNELS OF CITY WARREN
LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE and the two politicals are now suddenly creeping
tentatively through the underground, red-rocky tunnels of a buried city complex.
IRONYUPPIE
Hey, how did we get here?
LANDSHARK
(to camera, making significant gesture)
This film was not badly edited.
There was a suitable link or establishing shot.
LANDSHARK’s image wobbles and then we cut to another viewpoint, showing
LANDSHARK gesturing at NEK, who is holding the camera.
NEK
(dreamily)
This film was not badly edited.
There was a suitable link or establishing shot.
LANDSHARK
Good. Now-
NEK
(still dreamily)
This is the one I’m looking for!
LANDSHARK
What? Fu – AARGH!
NEK launches himself at LANDSHARK and begins energetically humping his leg,
knocking him to the floor. IRONYUPPIE looks on, struggling not to laugh.
INT. – THANDE’S FILM STUDIO – DAY
THANDE, sipping a gold-plated cappuccino, watches the events on G.BONE’s
screens and looks a little queasy.
THANDE
On second thoughts perhaps we
should cut the subliminal messaging.
(winks at camera, jokingly makes gesture)
This is the film you want to see.
G.BONE
(dreamily, VO)
I do want to take all my clothes
off and do fifty star jumps…
Crash – camera angle goes jerky – confused mass of pictures – brief
flicker of static – brief close up of THANDE looking horrified – permanent
static.
Fade back to-
INT. – FORTSUMTER – TUNNELS
As before, but LANDSHARK looks dishevelled and has a dirty look on his face. He
wags his finger at the camera and mouths something at its operator while making
a fist.
DAVID BAR ELIAS
(VO)
Oy vey…
LANDSHARK
(to IRONYUPPIE)
What is this place, anyway?
IRONYUPPIE
Dunno, but it looks empty.
They keep walking deeper into the tunnels, the politicals with them. As they do
so, hidden doors slide silently aside in the rock face behind them, and a crowd
of figures emerge. They have grey uniforms and have Confederate southern crosses
painted on their faces, or else that is the real colour of their skin, and they’re
all holding futuristic plasma muskets. These are the DIXIES, inhabitants of
Fortsumter. Moving stealthily, they creep after the retreating heroes.
INT. – FORTSUMTER – PLAZA
The tunnel opens out into a large plaza, with countless other tunnels feeding
into it. Our heroes step out, looking confusedly around, and then-
IRONYUPPIE/LANDSHARK/PAULSPRING-D2/C-LEO
What?/Get your hands off me/BLEEP BLEEP (Get away from me, you liberal!)/Lo
teqruwb li horko!
For the DIXIES have suddenly risen up from behind them and around them, and
grabbed them. Angrily, LANDSHARK pulls out his Sexsword and holds it above his
head, swinging it threateningly.
LANDSHARK
(through gritted teeth)
Would someone care to explain to me how,
with my much vaunted Kitjedi senses,
I managed to miss FIFTY FUCKIN’ CONFEDERATES
sneaking up on us?!
IRONYUPPIE
I blame bad editing.
In other words, I blame Thande.
INT. – THANDE’S FILM STUDIO
The studio is chaotic and looks as though it has been hit by a tornado; half the
screens are blue or show static, the papers of the scripts are scattered
everywhere, and THANDE’s chair is tipped over. He’s looking nervously at
something off-camera.
THANDE
(anxiously)
That ought to hold him
until it wears off…
G.BONE
(VO, confused)
Dude, what’s with the sandpaper jockstrap?
THANDE
Duh, so it’ll wear off!
(looks to camera)
Where there’s a blame, there’s a Thande.
(looks confused)
Cut back to-
INT. – FORTSUMTER – PLAZA
LANDSHARK brings his Sexsword down, about to cut through the Dixies.
CULTURED VOICE
(VO)
I wouldn’t do that if I were you,
Mr Slywanker.
They turn to see a human figure surrounded by several more DIXIES levelling
plasma muskets at them. LANDSHARK sizes up how many weapons are pointed at him,
and sullenly turns off his Sexsword and puts it away.
The human figure steps forward, revealing a beard, a slightly mocking expression
and an elegant suit coupled to, incongruously, a chef’s hat and apron.
HUMAN
(addressing IRONYUPPIE)
Senator IronYuppie. I’ve heard so much about you.
IRONYUPPIE
All of it psychologically traumatising, I trust.
Count Dearborn, I presume.
COUNT DEARBORN
(smiling thinly)
Indeed.
IRONYUPPIE
(all business)
You are holding a Kitjedi Knight
and a citizen of the Republic,
Doctor-What Lombardi.
I am demanding his release.
COUNT DEARBORN
I fear not. He has been convicted of
espionage and treason…
LANDSHARK
Treason against what?
Beside COUNT DEARBORN, a Dixie wearing a particularly ornate uniform, the
leader, steps up. This is ROBERTP6165.
ROBERTP6165
The Confederate Systems of the Galaxy, yee-haw!
IRONYUPPIE
Agh…references too blatant…
COUNT DEARBORN
He is to be executed in the morning –
but why not see him yourself?
COUNT DEARBORN flamboyantly throws his cape over his shoulder and walks off, the
DIXIES following and surrounding our heroes, who follow uncertainly.
At the back of the procession, we see a familiar silhouette step out: an
armoured WEAPON M…
INT. – FORTSUMTER – PRISON CHAMBER
They step out into a darkened chamber, lit only by a flickering blue glow. When
they see its source (off camera), LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE halt and gasp
in horror.
Pan across to reveal DOCTOR WHAT, suspended in midair with his teeth gritted and
his hair flying everywhere, as blue-white lightning crackles over his body. He’s
been dressed in a nylon cardigan and surrounded with linoleum flooring, and
static electricity is holding him in place.
DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking)
Lan – lan – lan – Landie…
IRONYUPPIE
(to COUNT DEARBORN)
You monster!
LANDSHARK
(with feeling)
Yeah, that cardigan is a crime against fashion…
COUNT DEARBORN
(smiles)
You see what we do to Kitjedi
in these parts, Mr Slywanker.
LANDSHARK
Oh really?
LANDSHARK ignites his Sexsword, giving them a defiant look.
LANDSHARK
Don’t worry, Master, I’ll soon bust you out of this-
Cut immediately to:
INT. – FORTSUMTER – PRISON CHAMBER
As before, but there are scorch marks on the walls and now LANDSHARK and
IRONYUPPIE are suspended beside DOCTOR WHAT, also wearing nylon cardigans and
blazing with static electricity above a linoleum floor.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sarcastically)
Nice rescue.
WEAPON M walks past them, pops up his helmet and smirks. He raises LANDSHARK’s
Sexsword in one hand and DOCTOR WHAT’s in the other, then tosses one of them
to a gleeful BULGAROKTONOS who walks beside him.
BULGAROKTONOS
That’s socool dad!
(he ignites the Sexsword and plays with it,
almost cutting his own arm off)
Can I watch them being executed?
Can I can I can I?
WEAPON M
(fondly ruffling his hair)
Only if it’s before your bedtime, son.
The two Roktonos-es walk out, leaving COUNT DEARBORN standing before the three
immobilised prisoners.
COUNT DEARBORN
(sadly)
You could have joined me.
If my pupil Si-On had survived…
DOCTOR WHAT
(defiantly)
Si-On Ewig would never have joined you!
COUNT DEARBORN
(smiling)
In any case it is now irrelevant.
I go to consult with the other
Confederate leaders…and I
believe that a certain Viceroy
has a grudge against all of you…
COUNT DEARBORN sweeps majestically out, leaving them alone.
LANDSHARK
Well this is another fine mess
you’ve gotten me into, Master.
IRONYUPPIE
(savagely)
Viceroy Hendryk! Here!
DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll have to come up with an escape plan.
LANDSHARK
At least the politicals escaped.
Maybe they’ll bring help…
INT. – FORTSUMTER – TUNNEL SYSTEM – FOUNDRY
We see C-LEO hanging by his fingertips to the edge of a rocky ledge, while below
is a blazing hot blast furnace filled with steaming molten metal. PAULSPRING-D2
trundles over.
C-LEO
Help me up!
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeb bleep!
C-LEO
What? I will NEVER admit that!
(to camera)
By the way, in case it wasn’t
obvious, there is a computer game
adaptation of this scene…
INT. – FORTSUMTER – EVIL PLOTTING CONFERENCE CHAMBER™ - DAY
A great chamber within the underground tunnel city. The main part of the chamber
is set up as a war room, with a huge holographic map of the nearby areas of the
planet, and countless DIXIES pushing little wooden tanks and starships around it
with sticks. Sitting on a dais above this bustling war room is a large oval
table, surrounded by important-looking magnates and their aides.
At the head of the table is COUNT DEARBORN, with a Confederate flag behind him.
Also present are ROBERTP6165, HENDRYK with his aide FAEELIN, and numerous others
whom we have not been introduced to.
COUNT DEARBORN
(smoothly)
…then I presume we are in
agreement?
ROBERTP6165
The Kitjedi are to be executed.
HENDRYK
(impatiently, with a
stereotypical Chinese accent)
But what of IronYuppie?!
I demand that she be executed too!
The things she subjected to me too on Najoisey…
(he makes a strange shudder which ends in a sort of half-smile)
COUNT DEARBORN
I concur, Viceroy Hendryk.
The Senator will die as well.
FAEELIN
(worriedly)
Can we so afford to anger the Republic?
COUNT DEARBORN
We will come to blows sooner or
later. It might as well be on our terms.
(to ROBERTP6165)
Are you ready to repel an attack?
ROBERTP6165
(cackling)
Of course! Fortsumter’s economy is
based on building weapons and
battle politicals! We’re the most heavily
armed planet in the sector!
HENDRYK
And in any case, the Republic has no
army, merely peacekeeping forces
which we can easily repel.
The other REPRESENTATIVES nod in relief and assent, while there is a knowing
gleam in COUNT DEARBORN’s eye…
COUNT DEARBORN
Agreed, then. The two Kitjedi
and Senator IronYuppie will be
executed at noon tomorrow.
(frowns)
Viceroy, I leave the choice of the
method to you.
HENDRYK
(rubbing his hands together)
Oh goody!
A silence descends, COUNT DEARBORN narrows his eyes and looks around the table
at the other REPRESENTATIVES.
COUNT DEARBORN
Very well, gentlemen.
The die is cast: sooner or later
we will come into conflict with
the Republic.
(with force)
This is the last chance for any of
you to back out. Will you pledge
your allegiance and your military
forces to the authority of the
Confederate States of the Galaxy?
The camera pans around the table, going from one leader to the next.
HENDRYK
Of course we shall!
The Republic must pay for its crimes!
The next leader is a reptilian alien, like a human-sized velociraptor – this
is EVOLVEDSAURIAN, and there are other members of his race, behind him.
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
(hissing, his forked tongue lashing about)
The Celtoraptors pledge our allegiansssss.
No longer will the Republic have its
illegal trade zone of space near our homeworld,
you hear me??
(shouts)
NO SPACE!!
Next comes BLOCHEAD, a human with a huge square cyborg head implant that
glitters with countless lights.
BLOCHEAD[/b]
(slightly computerised voice)
The Evil Capitalist Combine of Wal-Mart
and Microsoft pledges allegiance.
Then ADAM, a tall pale humanoid figure glowing vivid green.
ADAM
The Nuke Wanking Militocracy
pledges our allegiance.
Back to COUNT DEARBORN and ROBERTP6165.
COUNT DEARBORN
Excellent, then-
VOICE
(VO)
You forgot us.
COUNT DEARBORN
(testily)
Oh? And who are you?
Pan around to the final leaders, who are clearly NEK and DAVID BAR ELIAS
standing on their knees with cardboard boxes over their heads and funny faces
drawn on them.
NEK/DAVID BAR ELIAS
(singing in high pitched voices)
We represent the Lollipop Guild,
the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild…
Off COUNT DEARBORN’s expression, wipe to-
INT. – THANDE’S FILM STUDIO – DAY
THANDE is watching the scene on G.BONE’s screen and frowning.
THANDE
A pity, but the special effects budget
is a bit tight right now
(shakes his head)
G.BONE
Um, dude, why couldn’t you just have
one fewer random interchangeable
evil capitalist company as part of the
Confederacy?
THANDE
(laughs pityingly)
Don’t be absurd, G.Bone.
The fans wouldn’t stand for it,
they need their full spectrum of
annoyingly derivative and boring bad guys.
(smiles)
This is SO much better than the original trilogy!
G.Bone rolls his eyes.
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – DAY
Chained up, DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK are being taken in a carriage
to a massive Roman-type collosseum carved out of the rock. It is surrounded by
countless rows of seats and tall towers with flags on them. As we watch, LUAKY
COMMER swerves past one of the towers in the background on a vacuum cleaner,
winks at the camera and then speeds off again.
LANDSHARK
(script open on his knees)
It says here that I’m supposed to
do some romantic dialogue to you…
(strains forward against his chains half-heartedly)
Oh what a shame, I can’t reach.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wait, maybe if I nudge my knee like this…
LANDSHARK/IRONYUPPIE
(together)
NO!!!
DOCTOR WHAT
(drawing back)
Just trying to help…
The carriage reaches its destination. DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE are
all chained to massive pillars of rock in the centre of the stadium by DIXIE
troops. The many rows of seats are mostly occupied by grey-clad, ‘YEE-HAW’-ing
Dixies, although in the royal box are the delegates with COUNT DEARBORN, as well
as WEAPON M and BULGAROKTONOS.
The DIXIE troops hastily withdraw as ROBERTP6165 stands up in the royal box
beside COUNT DEARBORN, as do HENDRYK, EVOLVEDSAURIAN, ADAM and BLOCHEAD.
ROBERTP6165
(voice echoing through the stadium)
People of the Confederacy!
HENDRYK
(pointing accusing finger)
These felons have been found guilty
of espionage against the sovereign
Planet of Fortsumter!
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Their sssentence of death
isss to be carried out immediately.
The DIXIE crowd roars, cheers and shoots Enfields into the air.
ROBERTP6165
(singing)
Oh I wish I was in a land of circuitry
where the substandard prequels are erased from memory
Look away, look away, look away-
COUNT DEARBORN
(coughs meaningfully)
Mr President?
ROBERTP6165
(comes to himself)
Sorry.
(to crowd)
Let the executions begin!
More cheers from the crowd. Focus on the three chained figures.
LANDSHARK
What are we going to do?
DOCTOR WHAT
(knowing thoughtful expression)
Let’s see…
(strains, closes his eyes, shakes)
Ahh!
(we hear a POP; DOCTOR WHAT smiles)
Yep! Managed to dislocate my shoulder!
LANDSHARK
How the bloody hell does that help?!!
DOCTOR WHAT
It means I’m not conscious when I
get ripped to shreds.
As he speaks, he faints.
LANDSHARK
Oh great.
IRONYUPPIE
(straining against her chains in anger)
This isn’t right! I should be the one doing the restraint!
(yells up at the royal box)
You’ll pay for this, Hendryk!
COUNT DEARBORN just smiles, but HENDRYK takes a step backward.
As all this happens, several DIXIES on HORSEBACK approach, poking three HUGE
MONSTERS into position with cattle prods. The HUGE MONSTERS consist of a rabid
SHEEP THE SIZE OF A VW CAMPER VAN!!!!!, the wool around its mouth red and soaked
with blood, its eyes glowing a mad green and spinning; a GOAT THE SIZE OF A
CITROEN 2CV!!!!! included to appease the Goatist vote, which is also
red-streaked and mad-eyed; and a third beast that looks vaguely like a big cat
but is metallic, as though made up of countless razor-sharp blades all clinking
together.
IRONYUPPIE
What’s that?
LANDSHARK
It’s a Strippertoothed Tiger.
They were bred centuries ago
and possess the unique ability to
remove the clothing around any
female midriff with just one blow of their teeth.
IRONYUPPIE
(shouting at sky)
I’ll get you for this!
INT. – THANDE’S FILM STUDIO – DAY
THANDE is smoking a cigar, while G.BONE and NEK are operating the controls on
the big bank of video screens.
THANDE
How’s the fan service going?
G.BONE
Like, totally swell, dude!
Our Internet polls show that this could
be the next ‘Kilny’s Gold Bikini’!
NEK
(sulking)
Whatever happened to our fan service?
THANDE
(sighs)
Oh, all right then…
(gestures vaguely)
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – COLLOSSEUM – DAY
As the condemned watch, the three beasts approach them. But then a group of
several young handsome men materialise out of midair and start singing awfully.
The BEASTS all stop and put their hooves or paws over their ears, screaming.
LANDSHARK
Who the hell are they?
IRONYUPPIE
I think they’re a boyband called MWashyngMachyne.
LANDSHARK
What idiot would put them in an AH.com Wars film?
Pan up to the royal box where COUNT DEARBORN is frowning.
COUNT DEARBORN
Deal with them!
HENDRYK
With pressure.
COUNT DEARBORN
What, you’re going to crush them in a steam press?
HENDRYK
(sighs)
No, it’s my obligatory silly ‘cunning Eastern devil’ accent.
I mean, with pleasure.
HENDRYK waves languidly to FAEELIN, who in turn waves languidly to a group of
BATTLE POLITICALS off to one side. The BATTLE POLITICALS are human political
pundits with cybernetic implants, including guns on their arms, and they
constantly spout vitriol. They snap their arms up and pour laserfire into
MWashyngMachyne, who scream and die, but not before their tops are ripped off by
the Strippertoothed Tiger.
INT. – THANDE’S FILM STUDIO – DAY
THANDE is smoking the cigar even more energetically.
THANDE
Am I brilliant or what? Fan service for the gaysexuals
and we got to kill a boyband!
NEK
(muttering)
I’ll get him for this…
G.BONE rolls his eyes and sips a soda.
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – COLLOSSEUM
[center]COUNT DEARBORN
Enough of this! Kill them!
The three beasts go forward. Simultaneously:
The GIANT SHEEP charges LANDSHARK. Superbly athletic, LANDSHARK waits until the
last moment and then makes an unrealistic Kitjedi leap up and over, landing on
the SHEEP’s back. His chain is still connected to the stone pillar, but unable
to stop, the SHEEP head-buts the pillar and uproots it. LANDSHARK’s chain goes
flying out, attached only to a small chunk of rock. He begins whirling it around
and using it as a whip on the dazed SHEEP.
LANDSHARK
Yee-haw!
LANDSHARK turns the SHEEP around and charges the group of BATTLE POLITICALS,
knocking several of them down.
At the same time, the GIANT GOAT charges DOCTOR WHAT, still passed out from his
shoulderblade. As we watch, though, his nose sniffles and he awakens.
DOCTOR WHAT
(woozily)
Mm? What? Is that a curry?
(looks up at the approaching GOAT)
Oh, crap!
DOCTOR WHAT takes a different strategy. He runs TOWARDS the GOAT, as far as his
chain will let him, and dives under the surprised animal’s front legs. He
leaps upward and grabs hold of the GOAT’s udder, turning it towards a group of
nearby DIXIE SOLDIERS.
DOCTOR WHAT
Prepare to be…nourished!
DOCTOR WHAT sprays the DIXIES with a white stream of nourishing but oh so sharp
goat’s milk. The DIXIES scream, trying to get it out of their eyes, and flee
the field. DOCTOR WHAT manages to get on top and also starts riding the Goat. He
points at the chain.
DOCTOR WHAT
There!
The GOAT turns around and looks at him, enraged.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, yes…
He reaches into his robes and pulls out his battered old saxophone. He starts
playing a jazz variation of ‘When The Saints Go Marching In’ and the Goat’s
mad eyes suddenly calm.
DOCTOR WHAT
Now?
The Goat nods, takes DOCTOR WHAT’s chain in its mouth, and bites through it,
then munching on the remains.
And, at the same time:
As the Strippertoothed Tiger charges IRONYUPPIE, she swings her chain up and
climbs to the top of her stone pillar. The Tiger scratches pitifully at the
pillar, then leaps up and slashes once at IRONYUPPIE.
IRONYUPPIE
Ouch!
Aside from an absurdly small scratch, she’s unharmed, but her conservative
senator’s outfit has just had its midriff neatly ripped away.
IRONYUPPIE
What the…
DOCTOR WHAT looks over from the GOAT, grins, takes out his saxophone and begins
playing the ‘Dance of the Seven Veils’. The TIGER slashes again and
IRONYUPPIE’s dress is cut down to a miniskirt.
IRONYUPPIE
This is not funny!
DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry, sorry…
DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK rein in their huge steeds and charge them together at
the TIGER, which is crushed between them, but stabs the other beasts as it does
so. Enraged, the GOAT and SHEEP charge off into the stands and start wreaking
havoc as they plough through the DIXIE spectators. DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK
drop to the ground, go over to IRONYUPPIE and manage to sever her chains.
INT. – POLITICAL FACTORY – DAY
As before, C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2 are trundling through a factory in which
innocent political pundits are fitted with cyborg implants and sent off to
fight. A conveyor belt goes past below.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep bleep?
C-LEO
No, I can’t imagine taking up arms
and killing just for my political beliefs!
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep BLOOP bleep?
C-LEO
What do you mean, would I like to find out?
Aaargh!
PAULSPRING-D2 nudges C-LEO over the side and he falls on the conveyor belt,
going into the machines.
C-LEO
Nooooo!
PAULSPRING-D2 beeps happily to himself and then uses a pair of Puloutya’ass
rocket jets to hover himself along, watching C-LEO’s treatment as cyborg
implants are strapped to him.
EXT. - FORTSUMTER – COLLOSSEUM – DAY
In the royal box:
HENDRYK
This isn’t how it’s supposed to go!
(to WEAPON M)
Magya, finish them off!
COUNT DEARBORN
(frowns)
Very well, I…
Suddenly a purple Sexsword blade flickers to life, just beneath COUNT DEARBORN’s
chin. COUNT DEARBORN, apparently unsurprised, turns casually around to find GREY
WOLF there, a hard expression on his face.
COUNT DEARBORN
(cultured voice)
Ah, Master Wolf. How nice of you to join us.
GREY WOLF
Um, fuck, not just me, you violent oppressor!
(shouts out)
Oi, lads!
All across the stadium, figures suddenly stand up amid the DIXIES, throw back
their hoods and ignite their Sexswords. TWO HUNDRED KITJEDI.
But COUNT DEARBORN’s smile broadens.
COUNT DEARBORN
I see. But you are still greatly outnumbered.
GREY WOLF
Your Dixies are unarmed now they
wasted all their ammo cheering!
COUNT DEARBORN
It wasn’t the Dixies I was thinking of…
How about ten thousand battle politicals?
As he speaks, a vast army of BATTLE POLITICALS marches into the collosseum in
perfect step. One of them is yelling at a hovering rightwinger above him:
C-LEO
As the Mandaeans would say,
I’m going to get you for this!
~~~
GREY WOLF
(staring around)
Well…fuck.
HENDRYK
Now! Get him!
GREY WOLF spins around as HENDRYK ducks and, over the top, WEAPON M begins
blazing away with some of his smaller weapons. GREY WOLF deflects the energy
blasts, bullets, rays and missiles off the blade of his Sexsword.
GREY WOLF
You, um, want a piece of me?
WEAPON M
Nah, I’m only into threesomes
where it’s me and two women.
The two of them leap down from the balcony and into the arena – GREY WOLF
landing with an unrealistic Kitjedi athletic movement, WEAPON M using a
rocket-powered jet pack.
WEAPON M
Now you die!
The two of them begin fighting in earnest.
All around, the wider battle begins. The few KITJEDI are attacked by the DIXIES
and BATTLE POLITICALS, deflecting their weapon blasts elsewhere.
ROBERTP6165
Yee-haw! For the Lost Cause!
Get ’em, boys!
The KITJEDI follow GREY WOLF’s lead and also all jump down into the arena,
some of the DIXIES following them. The KITJEDI begin slashing apart the BATTLE
POLITICALS with their Sexswords. Among the Kitjedi we see here are BIRDIE,
SATYRANE, and two female Kitjedi, GWENDOLYN INGOLFSSON and BAXTER. All of them
are fighting at the very limits of their endurance, overcome with targets.
By now GREY WOLF and WEAPON M have been separated by the press of the crowd and
are fighting other targets. BULGAROKTONOS watches from the sidelines waving a
little flag and cheering.
BULGAROKTONOS
(blowing whistle)
C’mon Dad! Hit him so hard his
head ends up on another planet!
WEAPON M looks back at him and grins under his helmet, then turns and indeed
hits a Kitjedi, KNIGHT TEMPLAR, so hard that his head flies off and soars into
orbit.
EXT. – SPACE – FORTSUMTER – ORBIT
Surrounding the planet is a fleet of WORLD TRADE ORGANISATION FRIED EGG SHIPS,
but many of them are only the surrounding white as a ring, with the central
Yolks landed on the planet below.
We see the head of KNIGHT TEMPLAR, still screaming mutely in space, come
hurtling up from the planet below and sail straight through the empty hole in
the middle of one of the White-ships.
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – ARENA
WEAPON M watches with binoculars as KNIGHT TEMPLAR’s body crumples.
WEAPON M
GOAAAAAL!!!
BULGAROKTONOS cheers.
Cut back to the balcony. HENDRYK is on the floor and looking worried, along with
the other Confederate leaders. ROBERTP6165, as we watch, jumps down from the
balcony himself to join the fight, Rebel-yelling as he does so and going to
fight BIRDIE. Only COUNT DEARBORN remains standing, suavely unruffled by the
energy bolts flying past his head.
COUNT DEARBORN
A far better show!
(rubs his hands together in delight)
Cut to the centre of the arena. As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK finish
freeing IRONYUPPIE. They walk around the remains of the Strippertoothed Tiger
and look out into the fight.
DOCTOR WHAT
Talk about the cavalry!
LANDSHARK
Looks like we came early to the party
and stood in the kitchen for hours before
the good stuff arrived.
(angry)
I HATE it when that happens!
As we watch, SATYRANE fights his way past, slashing two DIXIES in two as we
watch. He glances at the three of them.
SATYRANE
Here!
He opens his jacket and, still fighting off a DIXIE with one hand, uses the
other to bring out two new Sexswords and throw them to LANDSHARK and DOCTOR
WHAT. Both of them catch them expertly.
DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks !
SATYRANE
(grinning)
See you around!
SATYRANE smashes the hilt of his Sexsword over the head of a BATTLE POLITICAL
that was trying to sneak up on him.
SATYRANE
(shouting to the other KITJEDI)
Come on! Objective B!
About a dozen more KITJEDI join SATYRANE and together they fight their way to
the edge of the stadium.
LANDSHARK
Now just one coal mining minute.
(pokes DOCTOR WHAT in chest with butt of Sexsword)
According to the EU books-
IRONYUPPIE
EU?
DOCTOR WHAT/LANDSHARK
(together)
European Union.
LANDSHARK
Yes, anyway, according to the EU books, each
Kitjedi’s Sexsword is unique and building it
takes months of meditation! And now
Captain Oxonian has just thrown us any old
ones and expects us to use them?
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah.
LANDSHARK
(making Sexsword moves)
Suits me.
IRONYUPPIE
(annoyed)
Why didn’t I get one?
LANDSHARK
(loftily)
Because only the superbly trained Kitjedi
with the mastery of the Innuendo can use
this subtle and complex weapon.
As he speaks, he ignites the blade, which emerges from the wrong end and almost
slices his own arm off. IRONYUPPIE rolls her eyes, pulls out a pistol and starts
shooting POLITICALS and DIXIES.
LANDSHARK reverses his blade and also begins fighting. DOCTOR WHAT pauses to
play ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ on his saxophone before joining in, and
continues to use the saxophone in his left hand as a club.
All around them, the fight goes on. Generally it’s going against the Kitjedi.
They’re each accounting for large numbers of DIXIES and BATTLE POLITICALS, but
there are just too many of them.
GREY WOLF
(as he cuts down a POLITICAL)
What happened to Objective B?
BIRDIE
(slicing through three at once)
It’s in hand!
Cut to-
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – SHIP PARK
Outside the stadium, which is build into a natural huge rocky crater formation,
there’s a dry plain on which the WTO’s Yolk-ships are landed. They look like
huge yellow spheres. One of them has a giant satellite dish on top and spinning
around.
As we watch, a small group of Kitjedi led by SATYRANE fight their way through
the BATTLE POLITICAL escorts and reach that ship.
SATYRANE
Now!
The KITJEDI all pool their mental powers and, as one, make a limp-wristed
gesture at the satellite dish. It explodes.
SATYRANE
(delighted)
Behold the power of the Innuendo!
All the POLITICALS around them stop moving, frozen. The KITJEDI cheer.
Cut back to
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – ARENA
The KITJEDI are being surrounded when the POLITICALs suddenly stop. LANDSHARK
pauses mid-stroke, then hacks down the frozen POLITICALs anyway.
LANDSHARK
What happened?
DOCTOR WHAT
(cheerfully tooting on his saxophone)
They must have shut down the control
transmission! They can’t function if they
don’t have a pundit telling them what to believe!
LANDSHARK
Bloody marvellous.
With a curious expression on his face, he begins using his Sexsword to carve his
initials into the immobilised face of one POLITICAL, and blood trickles down the
cyborg’s body. DOCTOR WHAT shudders. IRONYUPPIE looks on.
IRONYUPPIE
But how are you going to fit mine
on there and put a big heart around them?
LANDSHARK
(grinning)
Easy, I’ll just use a real heart.
IRONYUPPIE
I love you.
LANDSHARK
I know.
They both continue mutilating the helpless POLITICALs while DOCTOR WHAT just
shakes his head.
LANDSHARK is about to cut down another when it speaks.
C-LEO
Mandaeans Mandaeans Mandaeans…
LANDSHARK
What the bloody hell are you doing here?
LANDSHARK rips off the cyborg controls.
C-LEO
It’s all that little neoconservative’s fault!
He stabs a finger at PAULSPRING-D2, who makes a rude sound.
LANDSHARK
Whatever.
Cut to – the balcony.
COUNT DEARBORN
Hmm. An interesting turn of events-
HENDRYK
(to FAEELIN)
Now! Why aren’t the backup
systems cutting in!
FAEELIN
They will be my lord!
In just two seconds-
As he speaks, the BATTLE POLITICALS suddenly light up again and begin fighting.
Those that LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE mutilated scream and charge them.
LANDSHARK/IRONYUPPIE
Even better!
They start fighting back to back against them. DOCTOR WHAT fights his own
battles.
EXT. – YOLK SHIPS PARKING AREA
SATYRANE looks on in horror as the BATTLE POLITICALS reactivate. His Kitjedi
begin fighting them again.
SATYRANE
I don’t detect a new transmission.
That means-
(horrified)
The WTO has managed to make them
think for themselves!
Cut back to
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – ARENA
Tight on the cyborg face of one of the POLITICALS.
POLITICAL
I, for one, see no contradiction in being
pro-life and pro-gun.
As we watch, he’s cut down by BIRDIE, who grins ferally. Bloodstains are all
down his front, most of them not his blood.
A little way away, ROBERTP6165 explodes from nowhere, appearing between BAXTER
and GWENDOLYN INGOLFSSON and then hacking them down with his ordinary metal
Civil War sword. The two female Kitjedi scream and topple, their body parts
flying everywhere. In particular their arms and legs all end up in one pile.
BIRDIE looks incensed at this.
BIRDIE
Do you know how few women we have?!!
ROBERTP6165
Yee-haw!
The Confederate leader fires a Napoleon cannon at BIRDIE, who slices the ball in
two with his Sexsword. Then ROBERTP6165 gets out his own sword and begins
fighting BIRDIE. We hear metallic clashing sounds and they engage in epic
combat.
Tigh on – BIRDIE’s face as it suddenly goes puzzled.
BIRDIE
Hang on, if my sword is an energy blade
and yours is just an ordinary sword, then
why’s mine not cutting through it?
ROBERTP6165
I didn’t think of that.
His sword falls into fragments. A second later, so does ROBERTP6165 himself.
BIRDIE smirks, turns around, and –
Gasps as WEAPON M, having sneaked up behind him, hits him in the stomach with
the flamethrower on his middle finger. Screaming, BIRDIE topples over.
BIRDIE
(groaning)
I said we should have settled this by female combat…
WEAPON M grins and is about to cut down on him, but then GREY WOLF appears out
of the corner of his eye and he turns to meet him.
GREY WOLF
We meet again!
WEAPON M
Jeez, it was only five minutes ago…
GREY WOLF charges WEAPON M, wielding his Sexsword with stunning speed and skill.
He deflects every one of WEAPON M’s energy bolts and rays. Finally WEAPON M
unsheathes his adamantium claws and slashes at GREY WOLF, but as he does so, the
dying BIRDIE manages to grab WEAPON M’s ankle and the bounty hunter stumbles.
That’s all GREY WOLF needs. In one stroke, his Sexsword slices straight
through WEAPON M’s neck armour and his helmeted head goes flying away. BIRDIE
smiles in satisfaction and then finally dies. On the sidelines, BULGAROKTONOS
pales and dashes onto the field. He picks up the helmet and looks into it. The
head falls out of the bottom and onto the pile of GWENDOLYN INGOLFSSON’s and
BAXTER’s arms and legs, and BULGAROKTONOS recoils.
BULGAROKTONOS
Eeeww!!
WEAPON M’S HEAD
(weakly)
When I said I wanted to die between
the legs of two beautiful women, this
isn’t exactly what I had in mind…
He dies. BULGAROKTONOS stares at GREY WOLF, shaking with emotion.
BULGAROKTONOS
You…you…
(suddenly grins)
That was, like, so cool! Can you be my NEW dad
and we can go around the Internet blowing stuff up?
GREY WOLF
Um, sure.
Wide view of the battlefield – many KITJEDI lie dead – the remaining two
dozen or so are gathered in the centre of the arena surrounded by countless
BATTLE POLITICALS. As we watch, though, the POLITICALS lower their weapons.
Focus on – COUNT DEARBORN on the balcony as he speaks with an amplified voice.
COUNT DEARBORN
You have fought well, and there is no
shame in surrendering now.
GREY WOLF
(spitting)
I’m not, um, surrendering after this!
We won’t be hostages for you to barter!
COUNT DEARBORN
(slightly sad expression)
I see. Well them, this is it…old friend.
He nods to HENDRYK and FAEELIN. The BATTLE POLITICALS all raise their guns
again. The KITJEDI, and IRONYUPPIE, stand ready for a final stand.
LANDSHARK
(out of the corner of his mouth)
Say, do you think we’ve got time for…?
IRONYUPPIE
Nah. There’s no way I could get enough
olive oil and walnuts in time.
LANDSHARK
(growling)
I’ll make these bastards pay for that…
And then an ominous dagger-shaped SHADOW passes over the arena…
Everyone looks up and gasps!
In the sky are SIX REPUBLIC THREAD DESTROYERS, a smaller, older, cruder version
of the Imperial Thread Destroyer but no less impressive, and from their belly
hangar bays are pouring countless NUN SHIPS, troop carriers shaped like members
of female Roman Catholic religious orders, and from them as they descend to
hover above the ground come countless CLONED PORNTROOPERS, each of them with big
helmets and earphones…
(Everyone still looking up)
LANDSHARK
Fuck me!
[b]IRONYUPPIE
I told you, I don’t have any walnuts-
DOCTOR WHAT
Wow!!
Like the Empire, only the good guys!
(grins)
That’s so frickin’ cool!
DOCTOR WHAT gets out his saxophone and plays the theme tune.
Close up – one of the NUN SHIPS – and KITJED21 himself is standing in the
hatchway!
KITJED21
(giving orders)
Create a perimeter around the survivors!
Close up on the REPUBLIC PORNTROOPERS. We can see, playing in their helmet
goggles and also in distant sound echoes from their earphones, continuous porn
being broadcast to them. They bring up their weapons, rifles with bayonets
firing blue energy bolts, and immediately lay into the BATTLE POLITICALS. They
are obviously superior fighters and the WTO army is rapidly pushed back and
begins to be destroyed. The KITJEDI join them and keep fighting.
On the balcony. HENDRYK and FAEELIN, also the other Confederate leaders,
quailing. COUNT DEARBORN standing there looking mildly annoyed.
COUNT DEARBORN
Oh dear, time to make a strategic withdrawal.
He nods agreeably to the others, who flee, and strolls away at a leisurely pace.
LANDSHARK notices.
LANDSHARK
That doofus Dearborn is getting away!
Come on!
LANDSHARK leaps aboard a nearly empty NUN SHIP, with only the flight crew (also
PORNTROOPERS) on board. IRONYUPPIE and DOCTOR WHAT follow.
LANDSHARK
(to Porntrooper)
I claim this ship for England!
Now take us after that bastard!
PORNTROOPER
(dreamily)
Yes, Master.
LANDSHARK edges away. The PORNTROOPER crew all begin humming ‘shwow-tappa-wow-wow,
tappa-wow-wow’ type tunes as the NUN SHIP accelerates to full speed and soars
out of the arena.
DOCTOR WHAT
This juxtaposition of symbolism
is strangely arousing.
The NUN SHIP flies after DEARBORN, who’s on a FLYING HARLEY DAVIDSON –
powered by two enormous HAIRDRYERS.
Cut to
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – GROUND ATTACK
Elsewhere, the YOLK SHIP field is attacked by another army of PORNTROOPERS,
complete with their ground vehicles, walkers which are called the SLIGHTLY MORE
SENSIBLY DESIGNED, BUT MUCH LESS COOL, THAN THE ONES IN EPISODE FIVE,
FORGETTABLE CGI Walkers.
Or SMSDBMLCTTOIEFFC Walkers for short.
The Porntroopers and their vehicles hit the Confederate army. As well as the
BATTLE POLITICALS and WTO vehicles we’re accustomed to, though, there are also
giant Wal-Mart/Microsoft UNWIELDY COLOSSUS battle-fortresses, which lumber
through the battlefield and then break just before they’re about to attack;
NUKEWANKERS, which are giant phallic-shaped catapults that hurl nuclear weapons
into the Republic army and we see the detonations as mushroom clouds; and
CELTORAPTOR 80S NOSTALGIA TANKS, which are huge robot dinosaurs that fire bursts
of flame. They have shamrocks painted on their heads.
However, the Republic army is breaking through. As we watch, it’s obvious that
the Confederate army is only buying time for the Yolk-ships to take off and
escape, which now happens. Some of the SMSDBMLCTTOIEFFC Walkers deploy huge
energy cannons from their back, and focus all their fire on one Yolk-Ship. It
rises into the air, hesitates as the energy beams rip through it, then comes
crashing back and falls on top of the Confederate army, crushing it. Everyone
cheers, but most of the Yolk-Ships escape.
EXT. – FORTSUMTER – THE CHASE
The NUNSHIP chases after COUNT DEARBORN, swooping low over a dune landscape. He
turns around and fires several times with a pistol.
We see pinpoint accuracy bolts pierce the windscreen, killing the driver –
another PORNTROOPER takes over seamlessly – and also hitting IRONYUPPIE a
glancing blow. She cries out and goes rolling out of the NUNSHIP along with
another PORNTROOPER, landing more or less softly on a dune but knocked out.
LANDSHARK immediately dashes out to get her. DOCTOR WHAT grabs his arm.
LANDSHARK
What? She might be hurt!
DOCTOR WHAT
Listen to me! If we get Dearborn,
we can stop all this now, and then
no-one else will have to suffer!
What would Erikké want you to do?
LANDSHARK
(slowly, resentfully)
She’d want me to hunt down the bloke
who shot her and make him suffer a fate
so gruesome that his screams could be heard
in another dimension.
DOCTOR WHAT
(clapping him on the back)
That’s the spirit!
DOCTOR WHAT begins playing ‘Run Rabbit Run’ on his saxophone. LANDSHARK
rolls his eyes.
COUNT DEARBORN keeps firing. He manages to knock out the engine of the NUNSHIP
just as his own flying motorcycle shoots into a concealed cave. LANDSHARK and
DOCTOR WHAT leap out of the wreckage. LANDSHARK dashes after DEARBORN; DOCTOR
WHAT pauses, goes back, pops open the helmet of the dead PORNTROOPER, and takes
out and pockets the porn DVD before following LANDSHARK.
[center]INT. – OMINOUS CAVES™
COUNT DEARBORN stands in the middle of an ominous cave, whilst behind him is his
getaway ship, the Unrealistic Yet Artistic. As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT and
LANDSHARK appear in the doorway.
DOCTOR WHAT
(out of the corner of his mouth)
Now, we have to take him together.
Here’s what we’ll do-
LANDSHARK
(out loud)
Here’s what I’ll do –
beat the bloody crap out of him!
LANDSHARK charges DEARBORN, while DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes. DEARBORN casually
sticks out a hand and blasts LANDSHARK with a bolt of lightning. LANDSHARK
collapses to the floor, twitching.
LANDSHARK
Bastard.
COUNT DEARBORN tugs up his sleeve to reveal the taser he’s holding.
DEARBORN
Useful thing.
(to DOCTOR WHAT)
You’ve made your choice, Lombardi.
Now suffer the consequences.
DEARBORN fires his taser again, but DOCTOR WHAT blocks it first with his
Sexsword, then with his saxophone.
COUNT DEARBORN
You show some skill.
DOCTOR WHAT
I had a good teacher.
COUNT DEARBORN
Ah yes, Si-On Ewig…
But you forget, it was I who taught him.
DEARBORN pulls out a Sexsword which elongates into a curvy green blade.
DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa! You need corrective surgery there!
COUNT DEARBORN glares at him.
COUNT DEARBORN
It’s a Sexscimitar.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well put some of my special cream
on and then I’m sure-
COUNT DEARBORN
(snarling)
Enough of this!
COUNT DEARBORN slashes at DOCTOR WHAT. DOCTOR WHAT deflects it with his own pink
blade. The two of them fight in a blur of motion and speed, DOCTOR WHAT holding
his own, but clearly losing. COUNT DEARBORN is just too fast.
COUNT DEARBORN
Hey look, lesbians!
DOCTOR WHAT
(pityingly)
I’m not falling for that old one.
FALSETTO VOICES
Hi Bruno!
As DOCTOR WHAT spins around, COUNT DEARBORN slashes him twice and he drops to
the floor, bleeding and groaning. However, conveniently, neither wound is
very noticeable.
COUNT DEARBORN
(tutting)
How about elementary ventriloquism?
LANDSHARK
(VO)
I’ll bloody puppet you in a minute!
DEARBORN whirls around to find LANDSHARK rising. He has his own Sexsword in one
hand, then calls DOCTOR WHAT’s to his other one.
LANDSHARK
Prepare to make water in your trousers!
LANDSHARK attacks DEARBORN with both swords at once. DEARBORN looks half amused
at LANDSHARK’s angry, crude fighting style, half astonished at his speed.
DEARBORN
What you’re forgetting there, dear boy,
is that I can always cut into the problem at hand-
In a lightning slash, DEARBORN slices off LANDSHARK’s right hand. He collapses
to the floor, crying out in pain.
DEARBORN
I’ll give you even more painful wounds…
LANDSHARK
What are you talking about?
It was that bloody awful pun!
DEARBORN grins as LANDSHARK succumbs to painful unconsciousness, lying beside
DOCTOR WHAT.
COUNT DEARBORN
And now it’s time for me to go…
NEW VOICE
I think not.
DEARBORN turns to find KITJED21, an old man, entering the room.
DEARBORN
(sarcastically)
And what will you do, Oh Master?
DEARBORN fires his taser at KITJED21, who boredly holds out his hand, catches
the lightning and deflects it.
DEARBORN
Ah.
KITJED21
Dearborn. How disappointing a pupill,
llook you, whateffar.
DEARBORN
(snarls)
We shall see who is the greatest!
KITJED21
(pityingly)
That is of no import, Dearborn.
(thoughtfully)
Girth, on the other hand…
Snarling, COUNT DEARBORN attacks KITJED21, who pulls out a Sexsword and boredly
deflects all his blows while standing still and not moving. The increasingly
apoplectic DEARBORN keeps hitting him, but KITJED21’s sword is always there in
time.
DEARBORN
I will end this…
KITJED21
I’ve only just begun, boyo!
Without warning, KITJED21 is suddenly flying through the air, bouncing off the
walls like a squash ball, shooting here, there and everywhere. As he flashes
past DEARBORN in a second, the COUNT receives a crew cut; a split second later,
even as he’s still reacting, COUNT DEARBORN’s trousers fall apart to reveal
his knobbly knees.
COUNT DEARBORN
That’s not funny!
KITJED21
When I’ve finished with you, boyo,
we’llll see about remedying your llack
of fashion sense, indeed to gootness!
COUNT DEARBORN’s shirt goes ribbed as KITJED21 zips past and makes several
lightning slashes in it. Desperately, the count makes a gesture. A great pillar
of stone in the cave comes loose and it begins to topple…towards the
unconscious figures of DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK!
COUNT DEARBORN
Watch them die!
He immediately turns and runs for his ship, almost falling over his
tied-together shoelaces. KITJED21 zips to a stop, panting and strangely glowing
from inside. He looks angrily from DEARBORN to the pillar, but sighs and
gestures at the pillar. Grunting with exertion, he stops it falling, and manages
to shove it to one side. As he does so, the glow within brightens yet further…
GREY WOLF comes in just as COUNT DEARBORN’s ship takes off. GREY WOLF fires a
few blasts at it, but it’s already gone.
GREY WOLF
(with feeling)
Fuck
Hey, Kitjed, are you all right?
KITJED21
(weakly)
No…it took a lot out of me…
I am going to have to…
Suddenly, KITJED21’s body is consumed by brilliant white light and golden
fire. GREY WOLF has to look away. His features melt and blend together. Light
blasts out of him, burning away his clothes, even burning the stone beneath him.
Then the light snaps off, and KITJED is there again, but now he is a young man
once more.
KITJED
The age of Kitjed the Twenty-First is over!
Now begins the age of Kitjed the Twenty-Second!
Rising, slowly, awkwardly, as with new legs, KITJED22 gets up.
GREY WOLF
(still looking away)
Could you please put some clothes on?
KITJED22 grins, but then looks sadly at where DEARBORN’s ship has gone.
KITJED22
(quietly)
We lost this one, Grey.
The Porn War has begun.
Off his expression…
EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE FORTSUMTER
Several of the Yolk-Ships from below rise to meet the accompanying White-Ships,
docking into place to form Fried Egg Ships. All the Confederate ships are
retreating, though, shooting off into cyberspace, as they are attacked by a much
bigger force of REPUBLIC THREAD DESTROYERS. Focus on one of these as DEARBORN’s
ship, which is shaped like the HMS Victory, floats past its bridge tower.
INT. – REPUBLIC THREAD DESTROYER "GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND" –
BRIDGE
The captain, a young MIDGARD, and his XO FYRWULF watch in silence as the ship
floats overhead.
FYRWULF
Um, sir, shouldn’t we, you know, fire on
the ship that has the leader of the Confederacy
on board, and thus prevent years of war?
MIDGARD
(shaking his head pityingly)
You’ve got a long way to come, young Fyrwulf.
(laughs)
Only Kitjedi can defeat other Kitjedi in other
dramatic confrontations, that’s how it works!
FYRWULF
But, but, we could just shoot him now, I
just have to give the order, I mean-
MIDGARD
(patronisingly)
Perhaps you’d better have a lie down.
MIDGARD walks away, FYRWULF sighs in frustration, and DEARBORN’s ship vanishes
into cyberspace.
Clock wipe to
EXT – SPACE – UNILEVERCAN – ORBIT
DEARBORN’s ship reappears and descends to the city planet.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – GRIMY INDUSTRIAL CITY
The ship floats down, lit by the red light of the setting sun, and docks at a
disused industrial tower. DEARBORN gets out, and is met by the dark figure of
DARTH POLITICUS.
DARTH POLITICUS
(to camera)
In case you’ve forgotten, I’m also Grimm Reaper.
DEARBORN
The mission went well, my lord.
The Dark Innuendo was with us.
DARTH POLITICUS
The war has begun.
…ah, war, correspondents, hyperbole…such sweet politics…
Everything is going as planned.
The two Miffed Lords grin evilly – pan across to the KITJEDI TEMPLE, also lit
by the setting sun.
INT. – KITJEDI TEMPLE – COUNCIL ROOM
GREY WOLF
Where’s your apprentice again?
DOCTOR WHAT
Escorting IronYuppie home.
(smiles)
I don’t find that suspicious at all, do you?
DOCTOR WHAT plays ‘The Girl Can’t Help It’ on his saxophone; GREY WOLF
rolls his eyes; the young KITJED22 sighs.
EXT. – NAJOISEY – IDYLLIC SCENE
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE are married among the fields, alien abductions and
Giant Sheep by Psychomeltdown in a backwards collar. Behind them is C-LEO, who’s
dangling PAULSPRING-D2 over the lake below.
C-LEO
I’ll give you baptism by total immersion!
The Mandaeans would never stand for such a thing!
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep bleeble bleep!
PSYCHO
…speak now, or forever hold their peace…
IRONYUPPIE
I have an objection to his habit of wearing
his socks in bed.
PSYCHO
Yep, just put that in the PM box, and I’ll
get a reply to you sometime after Arizona freezes over.
LANDSHARK grins, and we see IRONYUPPIE holding his new hand, which is obviously
mechanical.
LANDSHARK
I wonder what I can do with this thing…
IRONYUPPIE
We’ll need some stronger walnuts!
TOGETHER
I do…
Cut to –
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – PLAZA
Countless senators and other high-ups, led by GRIMM REAPER, watch as vast armies
of PORNTROOPERS embark onto the THREAD DESTROYERS. GRIMM REAPER adopts a sad
expression but winks at the camera.
The THREAD DESTROYERS take off, blasting away into the orange sky.
Fade to black, with the caption…
