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Today in Alternate History

This Day in Alternate History Blog

SFX. – BLACK SCREEN

SFX – STARFIELD

As rousing music plays, the words

By

Tom Anderson

slowly retreat into the distance. Text begins to scroll from below:

EPISODE V:
THE EMPIRE KICKS ARSE

It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Tsar has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base on Yeravinalarf IV and have pursued them across the Board.
Evading the dreaded Imperial Grand Fleet, a group of freedom fighters led by Luak Slywanker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Coldh.
The evil Lord Darth Gaydar, obsessed with finding young SLYWANKER, has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space....

EXT. SPACE – INTERSTELLAR VOID

A majestic view of interstellar space, with no stars close enough to resolve as disks. The black velvety reaches of space are sprinkled with the diamonds of distant stars.

Then, the brief moment of tranquillity is shattered. An IMPERIAL THREAD DESTROYER, the "QUOTING WIKIPEDIA", moves into view, its massive arrowhead shape blotting out the stars. Its engines flare with icy blue energies. The Quoting Wikipedia is joined by three other Thread Destroyers, the "God Moding", the "Conspiracy Theorist" and the "American Politics". The menacing fleet of Imperial ships drifts through space together, an invincible armada bent on the total destruction of the Rebellion.

And then they are blotted out by the shadow of a fifth, far greater ship. Jet black and studded with unimaginable weaponry, it moves into view, its vast engines flaring bloodred. It is is five times the size of the other Thread Destroyers, (or twelve if you believe those obsessive fanboys) and the biggest conventional starship ever created.

This is the personal flagship of Darth Gaydar, the "OVERCOMPENSATOR."

As we watch, all five ships are deploying small, silvery pods from their hangar bays. The pods jet a little way away from their mother ships, then each orients toward a different star and jumps into cyberspace, accelerating towards it. We zoom into the bridge tower of the "Overcompensator", drifting through the viewscreen to find:

INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE

Three officers, ADMIRAL MIDGARDMETAL, CAPTAIN DIAMOND and GENERAL THELONEAMIGO, are studying telemetry on a vast display of many screens.

MIDGARDMETAL
(Evil Russian accent)
You are certain that these…devices will deliver?
The cost of industrial production was…considerable.

THELONEAMIGO
(Evil Aussie accent)
I will stake my reputation and career on it, Admiral.

DIAMOND
(Evil Californian accent)
I think you already have.

A pause, then all three Imperial officers look toward the back of the bridge, where there is a large, igloo-like white pod sealed from the elements. On it is a symbol, looking like a stylised Greek lambda in a radar dish. The officers shiver.

EXT. – SPACE

Same scene as before. But now the camera focuses on one pod, apparently identical to the others, as it orients on a star and dives into cyberspace. The hyperlinks rotate around the pod for a moment, then vanish again and it exits cyberspace, coming into another part of real space.

We see the star, now swollen up to the size of a sun as the pod has arrived at its destination. And below the pod is a white sphere, a world frozen since time immemorial. This is the ice planet of COLDH.

The pod engages its engines and begins to descend through the atmosphere, the pod shell beginning to burn away from the heat of the atmospheric friction. Something…stirs within, but we don’t quite see what it is…

EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH

We see a figure riding across the icy plains. The figure is wrapped in furs and has an absurdly long, Tom Baker like scarf, which keeps getting tangled in the legs of his mouth. Legs? Sorry, fins. The mount is, in fact, a giant PENGUIN.

We focus on this figure as he removes his goggles and the scarf over his mouth to reveal this is, of course, LUAKEL. He’s older than when we last saw him, a bit more hardworn, but still has some obvious youthful innocence left in his eyes. As we watch, he pauses to take a swig from his hip-flask, then winces at the bite of the taste.

LUAKEL
Yeuch!
I think my brandy got mixed up
with C-Leo’s oil again…

In the background, we see a redhot, disintegrating pod burn through the sky, leaving a trail of smoke behind it, and finally come crashing to earth a few miles behind LUAKEL. A loud explosion comes a brief moment later. LUAKEL whips his head around and sees a column of smoke rising from the crash site.

LUAKEL
(muttering to himself)
Probably just a meteorite…
But I can’t afford to take the chance.

LUAKEL puts his hip-flask away and pulls out his mobile phone, dialling it.

LUAKEL
Floid One, this is Luakel One,
are you receiving me?

FLOID
(staticky)
Roger that.
(pause)
That’s not what I meant, Lt. Nelson!

LUAKEL
Err, fine.
(pause)
I got nothing in this sweep,
but a meteorite’s just come down.
Better check it out.

FLOID
Rather you than me, mate.
Floid One over and out.

LUAKEL switches his phone off, then shakes his head.

LUAKEL
We have GOT to get some
more imaginative callsigns.

LUAKEL gently pulls on the bridle attached to the GIANT PENGUIN’s beak, and leads it closer to the crash site. The penguin follows, docile enough at first, but then suddenly begins shaking its head violently and stops.

LUAKEL
(concerned)
What is it, Linus?
You smell something?

LUAKEL looks first one way, then another – as he does so, a giant shadow falls on him. He whips around, and pales.

LUAKEL
Oh my God-

We hear a loud, yelping roar, and the sound of two flippers being clapped together. The camera angle changes and we see what is menacing LUAKEL – a giant, walrus-like being, twelve feet tall, with razor-edged flippers and tusks, and madly glowing red eyes. A swastika is tattooed on its forehead.

LUAKEL
Sea Lion!!

LUAKEL grabs for his pistol, but one flipper blow from the SEA LION catapults him into the air and he crashes to the ground, unconscious. Behind him, the SEA LION grabs Linus the penguin and sinks his massive tusks into its neck. We hear the penguin’s terrified squawks abruptly cut short as its neck snaps. The SEA LION sucks all the blood from the penguin, leaving it as a dead husk on the snow, and then grabs LUAKEL by one ankle and drags him away…for afters.

EXT. – COLDH – REBEL BASE ENTRANCE

The Rebel base is disguised with the finest maskirovka, each piece cleverly designed to resemble snow or ice. The defence weapon towers look like icicles or rock formations, the entrance looks like a cave. The effect is slightly spoiled by a giant neon sign directly above it which reads "SECRET REBEL BASE ENTRANCE: DON’T TELL ANYONE!!"

Another fur-clad figure riding on a giant penguin hops up to the entrance. The figure stares at the sign, shakes his head and hops on, into the base.

INT. – COLDH – REBEL BASE

The base is reminiscent of the one in the Millennium Dome on Yeravinalarf IV: the spacecraft hangars abut directly onto the central command/war room area. The base is frenetic with activity: all around, freighters are being offloaded. It is obvious that the Rebels have only just moved into this base.

The penguin rider we saw before hops into one hangar and takes off his goggles and balaclava to reveal he is FLOID. He gets off the penguin, hands it over to an ostler and walks up to the "Century Hawk" where it sits in the middle of the bay. The old freighter looks even more battered than when we saw it last. FLOID’s copilot, CHEWY, is hanging from the bottom of the ship by means of ropes and is currently fiddling with an open panel with a screwdriver. As we watch, sparks fly from the panel and CHEWY curses in Bengali.

FLOID
Hi, Chewy. I’ll come and
give you a hand in a moment.

CHEWY
(grumbling)
It’s either that, old chap,
or I’ll take a whole arm.

FLOID walks away and goes up to the command centre, where the commanding officer, GENERAL WARD, sits. WARD is a hardbitten old veteran who is surrounded by underlings and control screens, and is continuously barking orders. There are also some officers still clad in their furs and goggles, just come in from outside. As FLOID comes up, WARD dismisses most of them and turns to him.

WARD
(a bit disapproving)
Captain Floid.

FLOID
(a bit sarcastic)
Sir.

WARD
Hmmf.
Any signs of life out there?

FLOID
Nossir, nothing beyond the
indigenous stuff.
Seems this is a perfect base,
apart from the obvious…

WARD
Bah! You call this chilly?
In the Porn Wars we had to
camp on Frizyertonkerov XI,
and the tents never even arrived
until the last month of the campaign!

FLOID
(with a sigh)
Yes, sir.

WARD
Where’s Commander Slywanker?

FLOID
He’s checking out a meteorite.

WARD
Hmf, damn whippersnapper.
Still thinks this is all some adventure.
That boy had better get his head out of his ass.

FLOID
(has a lot on his mind)
Er, yessir.
(suddenly)
Sir, I can’t stay here any longer.

WARD quirks an eyebrow at FLOID. In the background, we see one of the fur-clad officers remove his – her – goggles and stare at FLOID in distress. It’s KILNGIRL, but no more the spoiled Princess: three years of life on the run has made her into a coldblooded killing machine, er, or more of one than before But she can still be hurt, and now this seems to be happening.

WARD
I’m…sorry to hear that.

WARD sounds like he’s not quite sure whether he’s being sarcastic or serious about that.

FLOID
I have a price on my head.
If I don’t pay off Santa the Fatt,
I’m a dead man.

WARD
Hmmf, I suppose you are
something of a liability…
(then, as though it requires great effort)
Still, Floid, you’re a damn good
fighter when you choose to be.
Sorry to lose you.

FLOID
(surprised)
Thank you, sir.

FLOID turns away from WARD as WARD goes back to shouting at his massed underlings. FLOID comes face to face with a shocked, angry-looking KILNGIRL.

FLOID
Well, your Supreme Majesty,
I guess this is…it.

KILNGIRL
(coldly)
And the first I’ve heard of it.

FLOID
Sure, well, uh…you know.

They stare into each others’ eyes for a long moment, then-

FLOID
Sorry to burst your bubble, Princess.
But this bird ain’t going to be caged.

KILNGIRL
(a bit sadly)
Oh, typical man.

She turns and strides away defiantly. FLOID shakes his head and goes into a nearby corridor.

Then KILNGIRL stops, pauses, shakes her own head angrily, and goes after FLOID into the corridor.

INT. – BASE – CORRIDOR

KILNGIRL catches up to FLOID. Plenty of Rebels are coming the other way, usually holding enormous and implausible objects, like sets of golf clubs, inflatable bananas and a full-scale copy of ‘Guernica’.

KILNGIRL
Floid…
(her anger cools)
I thought you were staying.

FLOID
(a bit embarrassed)
Yeah, well, that bounty hunter
on Ord Nancesurvey changed my mind.

KILNGIRL
(plaintively)
Floid, we need you!

FLOID hesitates, turns and confronts her. In the background, two Rebels with a life-size Velociraptor statue try to negotiate the corridor.

FLOID
(softly)
We, Princess?
Or you?

KILNGIRL
(defensively)
I don’t know what you mean.

FLOID
Sure, Princess.
(laughs)
I’m a fair pilot and I have
underworld contacts. So what?
You’ve got a dozen people with that.

KILNGIRL
But-

FLOID
So what’s that leave?
Only…your feelings for me.

KILNGIRL
(drawing back)
Eurgh!
Typical man!
I was going to say, we need
you for your really good
Emperor impression for the
propaganda leaflets!

FLOID
(laughing)
Sure, Princess.
How about a goodbye kiss?

KILNGIRL
I’d sooner kiss your Bangladeshi!

She stumps away. In the background, CHEWY comes up to FLOID; his business suit is soiled with engine oil from working on the Century Hawk.

CHEWY
(tutting)
I say, isn’t that a bit racist?

FLOID
Sure. Tell you what, Chewy,
we’ll report her to the Commission
on the way out.

The two old friends grin at each other, slap each other on the back, and walk off towards the Century Hawk. In the background, two Rebels carrying Michaelangelo’s David statues crash into a wall.

INT. – BASE – HANGAR

The Century Hawk, as before. Two figures, the politicals C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2, emerge from one corridor and trundle towards the freighter. The politicals, like everyone else, look more battered than when we last saw them.

C-LEO
(grumbling)
I don’t see how you can say that.

PAULSPRING-D2
Blatt bleeble blatt!

C-LEO
What do you mean, we should
have subcontracted our base
building contract to those
suppliers from Uae? That’s an
Imperial world!

PAULSPRING-D2
Blee blarble.

C-LEO
(tuts)
The free market does NOT
ensure it will all come out right
in the end!

CHEWY and FLOID emerge from another corridor and reach the ship.

CHEWY
And then I detached the isomeric
nephelauxeticator…

FLOID
(tutting)
But I wanted to be away from here asap!
It’ll take half an hour to put that back!

CHEWY
(grumbling)
Well, you could have told ME first, old chap.

FLOID
Yeah…sorry, mate. My fault.

C-LEO
I say! Master Floid!

FLOID
(sighing)
Yes?

C-LEO
Princess Kilngirl has been
attempting to contact you.

FLOID
Yeah, I know. Tell her-

C-LEO
It’s about Master Luak!

FLOID
What?

C-LEO
He hasn’t come back yet.

FLOID
(muttering)
He said it wouldn’t take long…

FLOID looks out of the hangar door, obviously sizing up the icy plains as the shadow of night slowly closes over the land.

FLOID
(to himself)
I really ought to get that Hero Complex
of mine cured one of these days…

FLOID goes up to an ostler, gets his Penguin back, and with a muffled swearword, hops out into the night.
~~~

EXT. – COLDH – ICE GORGE

It’s dusk. LUAKEL is hanging from the ceiling, tied up with what appears to be a series of Nazi armbands knotted together into a makeshift rope. One side of his face is covered in slowly drying blood from where the Sea Lion hit him with its razor sharp flipper.

A terrible keening groan echoes around the gorge: the Sea Lion is hungry again. LUAKEL’s eyes snap open and fill with fear. He pulls himself up and tries to undo the knots tying him to two stalactices on the ceiling, but they’re too tight. Exhausted, he flops back down – and notices something silvery far below him.

His father’s Sexsword, fallen out of his pocket and embedded in the snow.

We hear the Sea Lion slowly lolloping toward LUAKEL. He desperately reaches out his arm as far as it will go, but of course can’t get anywhere near. Then he closes his eyes and mutters to himself, summoning up all his strength…

Just as the Sea Lion reaches him, the Sexsword flies up into the air and into LUAKEL’s hand. As it touches him, a brilliant pink line of energy flops out of the end, then becomes rigid as he concentrates.

LUAKEL
(jubilantly)
I did it!!
The Innuendo is with me at last!

LUAKEL quickly waves his blade and cuts through the Nazi armbands. He falls to the floor, turning over and over and slashing at the enraged Sea Lion as he does so. He lands on his feet and faces the Sea Lion, which now has a noughts and crosses / tic tac toe game slashed onto its chest.

SEA LION
Wraaaiiighhh!

LUAKEL
Take this!

LUAKEL slashes again and rips off one of the Sea Lion’s flippers. Staring at the gushing stump in surprise and fear, the Sea Lion hoots again and lollops off deeper into the cavern.

LUAKEL is left there, weakened, leaning on his Sexsword. A half-triumphant, half-troubled expression crosses his face.

LUAKEL
That felt…good.

He slowly wanders towards the entrance to the cavern. As he does, we see that his pink sexsword blade has begun to flicker with little traces of green…

EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH

It is now night. FLOID, wrapped up and riding a penguin, slowly hops up a ridge.

FLOID
(through gritted teeth)
One more ridge and then I’m
leaving him for dead…

The scream of the Sea Lion resounds throughout the sky, followed by the hum of a Sexsword.

FLOID
What?
I’d know that sound anywhere!

FLOID pulls on the reins of his penguin.

FLOID
Up, Frobisher! Let’s go
rescue the kid, and stuff.

FLOID gallops towards the cavern.

INT. – REBEL BASE

KILNGIRL, CHEWY and the two politicals are talking to GENERAL WARD. KILNGIRL and CHEWY are still shooting dirty looks at each other.

KILNGIRL
But, General-

WARD
(hard voice)
But me no buts, little girl.
I ain’t risking the rest of us
over two men, especially
when one of them claims to
be leaving us.

CHEWY
I say! I-

WARD
No more talk.
The shield doors are closed
for tonight.

WARD hits a button on a console and giant shield doors close over all the base entrances. WARD turns and walks away from them without another word.

PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep bleeble…

C-LEO
Oh my! PaulSpring says the
odds of survival are 500 to one!
(reassuringly)
But then PaulSpring has no
understanding of statistics, of course-

PAULSPRING-D2
Blaat bleeple.

C-LEO
But he says Master Luak is
most resourceful, for a deluded
leftie that is – hold on!!

KILNGIRL turns away from the feuding politicals and is obviously struggling to hold back tears. CHEWY glares at her for a moment, then shrugs and lets her cry on his shoulder.

KILNGIRL
(surprised)
You’re very…absorbent.

CHEWY
(shrugs)
Civil service suit. Designed to
absorb any number of leaks from next door.

KILNGIRL
Chewy…I’m sorry for what
I said earlier. I was just trying
to get back at Floid.

CHEWY
(sighing)
Oh, all right.
(he looks at the blank shield doors)
But trust me, if anyone can survive
this sort of unpleasantness, it’s Floid.

EXT. – PLAINS OF COLDH

Night. Floid is unfolding an enormous map and squinting at it.

FLOID
Oh, hold on, this is a map of
Stalingrad in 1942…
(pause)
And I was holding it upside down.

FLOID sighs and turns the weary Frobisher another direction.

EXT. – OUTSIDE THE CAVERN

LUAKEL falls to his knees. He drags himself along for a little longer, but it’s obvious he won’t last long in the cold. Presently he collapses and lies there, barely conscious.

FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
Luak…

LUAKEL looks up and gasps. Standing before him is DOCTOR WHAT, but translucent and outlined in blue.

LUAKEL
Bruno?

DOCTOR WHAT
Luak, you must go to the
Gay-o-Bar System.

LUAKEL
Gay-o-Bar System…

DOCTOR WHAT
There you will learn from the
Kitjedi Master who taught the
Kitjedi Master who taught the
Kitjedi Master who taught me.

LUAKEL
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
No, it’s true! He taught
Count Dearborn, who taught
Si-On Ewig, who taught me!

LUAKEL
But it’s a bit convoluted, isn’t it?
If I were you, I’d just say ‘the
Kitjedi Master who taught me’.

DOCTOR WHAT
But that wouldn’t be true!

LUAKEL
So?

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Fine, YOU deal with the fanboys.
(puts on his ghostly voice again)
Luak, you will learn from the
Kitjedi Master who taught me.

LUAKEL
(nodding)
Better.

The shade of DOCTOR WHAT vanishes. Through it, LUAKEL spots FLOID approaching on a penguin.

LUAKEL
(slowly)
Bruno…?

He collapses again. We see FLOID hurry up to LUAKEL and begin examining him. The camera pulls back around to find, hidden behind an ice drift, the SEA LION from before. But in its one remaining flipper, it is holding a large remote control.

SEA LION
(muffled voice)
Good. Hologram worked fine.

The SEA LION’s head pops off to reveal it is in fact just an animatronic suit, and within is the real DOCTOR WHAT – looking a little pasty from his time in cryogenic suspension.

DOCTOR WHAT
The plan moves forward.

We go back to our original camera angle and focus on FLOID and LUAKEL.

FLOID
Luak!
Don’t die on me, Luak!

LUAKEL wakes up and stares at FLOID woozily.

LUAKEL
(weakly)
Floid…?

FLOID
(reassuringly)
Don’t worry, Luak.
We’ll stay warm until the day.

LUAKEL
How…?
Are you going to cut open your
penguin and put me inside its carcass?

FLOID
(shaking his head)
Geez, you have some weird sexual fantasies.

FLOID pulls out a yellow pill and begins chewing it.

FLOID
This is the future, for crying out loud!

FLOID spits out the pill; as it hits the ground, it inflates into an enormous bouncy castle/tent.

FLOID
With full central heating!
Come on!

FLOID drags LUAKEL into the welcoming tent, Frobisher hopping along behind them.

EXT. – REBEL BASE ENTRANCE

It is now dawn. The hangar shield doors ratchet up and four SMOKEWEEDERS – lightweight fighters shaped like statues of Straha smoking a joint, which levitate along in a leisurely drift – shoot out and into the sky.

We note that the sign above the main entrance has been altered by graffiti: it now reads [i]"THIS IS NOT THE[/I ]SECRET REBEL BASE ENTRANCE: DON’T TELL ANYONE!!"

INT. – REBEL BASE – HANGAR

We see the figures of KILNGIRL, CHEWY, WARD and the politicals as they watch the Smokeweeders fly away.

WARD
They’ll find ’em.

KILNGIRL
(angrily)
Or their bodies.

WARD
(shrugs)
It was them, or all of us, Princess.
I make no apologies.

EXT. – SKIES OF COLDH

We focus on one Smokeweeder as it cruises over the landscape. Fumes are expelled from the joint. Zoom in on the ‘head’ and we see that the cockpit is housed there…

INT. – SMOKEWEEDER

This Smokeweeder is piloted by MERRYPRANKSTER, who is (oddly) wearing red makeup that forms the numeral 4 on each cheek. He watches the various radar displays, then frowns as he sees an unexpected blip. He pulls a lever and the Smokeweeder drifts towards it. Then he spots the bouncy castle, and sees LUAKEL and FLOID standing outside it, waving at him.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(into radio)
Base, this is Rouge Four!
They’re all a-ok!

INT. – REBEL BASE

Cheers all around from the personnel as MERRYPRANKSTER’s message comes through. WARD smirks at KILNGIRL, who turns away, but she is too relieved to be angry.

EXT. – REBEL BASE

The Smokeweeders fly back home, one with two passengers.

INT. – REBEL BASE – MEDICAL BAY

LUAKEL is operated on by TORQUMADA and two medical politicals, while KILNGIRL, FLOID and CHEWY look on anxiously. We see a montage of images, culminating with LUAKEL drifting in a tank of translucent blue liquid.

LUAKEL
(to himself)
Mmmmm…

FLOID
(to TORQUMADA)
How exactly does suspending
him in raspberry Slush Puppy help?

TORQUMADA
It doesn’t, but I had a lot of surplus
after that deal of Ward’s fell through…

Finally LUAKEL is pulled out of the tank and we see him waking up on a bed, surrounded by the others. His face has partly recovers but he still has several quite severe scars.

LUAKEL
Yay…

FLOID
(grinning)
Nice going, short stuff.

LUAKEL
Thanks…

FLOID turns to KILNGIRL and offers her a smirk.

FLOID
Well, Princess, you managed to keep
me around a little longer.
I heard about the ban on offworld traffic.

KILNGIRL’s expression of reluctant gratitude turns to anger.

KILNGIRL
You know that’s just General Ward
interdicting the system to keep the
Imps off our track!

FLOID
(winking)
Sure, Princess, sure.
I know it’s just about you not being
able to let my awe-inspiring looks out
of sight for too long...

KILNGIRL angrily turns away, goes to LUAKEL, and smiles at him, which LUAKEL returns. She kisses him briefly and then walks away, not looking at FLOID, who looks slightly jealous.

FLOID
What was that all about?

LUAKEL
(frowning)
Not sure, but I think I felt a great disturbance in the Board.
Like…thousands of viewers who’ve already seen Episode VI
all crying out for… "the forks"??

FLOID
(slapping him gently on the back)
Yeah, sure, kid.
Don’t take that Innuendo stuff too seriously.

Suddenly the intercom system comes on.

WARD’S VOICE
All senior personnel report to the command room.

FLOID
Sorry, kiddo.
Gotta go.

FLOID and CHEWY leave. LUAKEL lies on the bed for a moment, then shrugs and picks up a Sudoku book.

INT. – BASE – COMMAND CENTRE

WARD is staring at a giant holographic display of the planet. A radar blip is flashing on one part of the world, a few dozen miles from the base. FLOID and KILNGIRL come in as we watch, avoiding each others’ gazes.

WARD
It seems we have a Guest.
It reads as metallic.

FLOID
One of our crashed Smokeweeders?

HERMANUBIS turns around. He has red makeup on his cheeks forming the number 2.

HERMANUBIS
(shaking his head)
There weren’t any lost
near those coordinates.

WARD
We’ve got a very faint signal coming from it.

A long stream of mechanical gibberish comes from the speakers.

C-LEO
Oh my!
That’s the uninflected form of
Sumerian cuneiform, but encrypted
in the Linear B script!

FLOID
Well?

C-LEO
Imperial Intelligence uses it as a code!

FLOID
Okay, so they aren’t friendly.

WARD
(grinning)
And we know how to deal with that.
(to HERMANUBIS)
Rouge Two, you and Rouge Four go
and check this out.

HERMANUBIS
Yessir.

FLOID
We’ll tag along.
I don’t like this.

EXT. – REBEL BASE

Two Smokeweeders fly out and into the sky.

EXT. – PLAINS OF COLDH

We see the remains of the pod from before lying in a smoking crater. As we watch, the last remnants fall away to reveal what was concealed within: a silvery, metallic GOOGLE SPIDER!

About ten feet tall and twenty across, the SPIDER skitters over the snow and occasionally pauses to take a reading with the sensors on its mandibles. It finds a Rebel sensor station – disguised as a snowman – and zaps it with an energy bolt, melting it.

Then it skitters over another snow hill and spots something in the distance –a suspiciously regular set of snow dunes.

We go to the Spider’s point of view – its vision is in shades of green, with the Google logo stamped in one corner – and see it zoom in, studying the dunes in more detail. It rotates through a little menu of infrared, ultraviolet, terahertz, X-ray etc., with the colour shades of the view changing – finally it finds a frequency which cuts through the snow…

The dunes conceal what are obviously power plants.

The Spider opens a hatch in its abdomen and a large radar-type dish comes out. The dish rotates for a moment, then fixes on a particular point in the sky. The Spider beeps and begins pulsing out information.

Suddenly, a series of energy bolts come down from the sky and hit the Spider, which immediately detonates in a ball of smoke. The Smokeweeder responsible races past, disturbing the smoke and the flying wreckage.

INT. – SMOKEWEEDER

This one is occupied by FLOID and HERMANUBIS.

FLOID
I didn’t think I hit it that hard.

HERMANUBIS
(grimly)
You didn’t.
Google Spiders are programmed to
self-destruct if anyone attacks them –
it’s to protect the source code at all costs.

FLOID
What was it doing?

HERMANUBIS
Beaming out information back to its mothership.

FLOID
Crap.

HERMANUBIS
Exactly.

INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND AREA

WARD is listening on the radio.

WARD
Dammit!
Well, I’ll begin the evacuation.
(to himself)
And I only just got my slide projector
set up just the way I like it!

In the background, various Rebel officers pause and theatrically wipe their brows in relief.

EXT. – SPACE – IMPERIAL FLEET

The Overcompensator and the other four Thread Destroyers drift through space, still spewing Google Spider pods.

INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE

MIDGARDMETAL and THELONEAMIGO are conferring at the front of the bridge. DIAMOND walks over from the telemetry screens and hurries up to the two senior officers.

DIAMOND
Admiral Midgardmetal, sir.

MIDGARDMETAL
Yes, Captain Diamond?

DIAMOND
We think we’ve got something, sir.
Just a fragment from one Google Spider
in the Coldh system, but it’s the best lead so far…

THELONEAMIGO
(making ‘yes’ gesture)
Yes!! Told you so!!

MIDGARDMETAL
Bah! I want proof, not leads!
We have thousands of Google Spiders
searching the entire galaxy!

DIAMOND
But this telemetry indicates
human life readings, sir.

MIDGARDMETAL
(shrugs)
And?
If I were to follow up every lead…

DIAMOND
But the Coldh system is supposed
to be uninhabited, sir.

Behind them, the giant pod with a lambda on suddenly hisses and creaks open. The three turn, fear on their faces, as DARTH GAYDAR emerges, with a cloud of white fumes, from the pod. GAYDAR casually snaps his fingers a few times as he strides up to them; various underlings clutch their snapped necks and fall backward over the railing to the bridge level below.

GAYDAR
You have found something?

DIAMOND
Yes, my lord.

DIAMOND activates a screen that brings up a view of the Google Spider telemetry we saw earlier, showing the snow dunes/power generators.

GAYDAR
Interesting…

MIDGARDMETAL
Sir, there are so many unmapped systems.
This could be pirates, or smugglers, or-

GAYDAR
Silence.
The Innuendo tells me this is the system.
We shall crush the Rebels and, more importantly,
find Slywanker.
(he turns to THELONEAMIGO)
General TheLoneAmigo, prepare your forces for battle.

GAYDAR strides away, killing a few more ensigns as he passes. DIAMOND and THELONEAMIGO smirk at the fuming MIDGARDMETAL.

~~~

INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND ROOM

Rebels are packing up the crates that were unpacked only hours ago. In the background, we see all the Rebels who were holding enormous unlikely objects, reloading them back into transports again. Morale is not high and people are grumbling at having to move on again so soon. However, WARD is overseeing the whole thing with a glare, and no-one dares say anything to his face.

WARD turns to the assembled pilots, including a still pale and scarred but otherwise recovered LUAKEL.

WARD
Long range sensors show
one hell of an Imperial fleet
heading this way.
(pause)
I’ll be honest with you, boys,
we ain’t got time to evacuate everything…
Unless we can slow the Imps down.

HERMANUBIS
How, sir?

WARD
Half of you will fly your
Sex-Wings and Bi-Wings to
escort the transports out.
But the other half must stay
and fly the Smokeweeders against
the Imperial forces. Slow ’em down.

MERRYPRANKSTER
With respect, sir, shouldn’t we use
our Sex-Wings against the Imp ground forces?
They’re much more powerful, and
they won’t make much difference against
such a big fleet in space…

WARD
Silence!
The fanboys want to see some
cool new ships, and they’ll get them!
Never mind how many pilots die
because of the poor tactical planning!

A shocked pause, then WARD continues:

WARD
But I wouldn’t ask you to do anything
I wouldn’t do. I’m staying behind to
fight with you, until the end.

A ragged cheer.

WARD
Draw lots, boys.
Pick who stays and who goes.

The pilots draw straws. Those who are staying include LUAKEL, MERRYPRANKSTER, HERMANUBIS, OTHNIEL, OTIS TARDA and MAX SINISTER.

LUAKEL
(to HERMANUBIS)
Guess we’re flying together again.

HERMANUBIS
Not in the same fighter.
I’m paired up with Oth.

LUAKEL ends up paired with MERRYPRANKSTER; they shake hands.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You feeling okay?

LUAKEL
Good as new. Nice to be
flying with you.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Sure.
To the Smokeweeders, then?

LUAKEL
In a moment.
I’ve got to do something first.

INT. – REBEL BASE – HANGAR BAYS

CHEWY and FLOID are loading up the Century Hawk and repairing it with even more haste than before. LUAKEL walks up, pausing to add a pink ‘1’ to each of his cheeks in rouge. As he approaches, something violent sparks and blows open one of the hull access panels. Thick black smoke pours out.

FLOID
(cheerfully)
Yep, that’s working now!

CHEWY
Good as new, old chap.

LUAKEL
Hey, you guys. I’m going out to
fight the Imps, and…[/center]

He doesn’t verbalise it, but the words ‘I may not come back’ hang in the air between them.

FLOID
You’ll be fine, kiddo.

CHEWY
Quite right.

FLOID
See you around.

FLOID and CHEWY shake LUAKEL’s hand, then go back into the Century Hawk and resume their repairs. LUAKEL nods to himself and walks back out of the hangar, heading for the Smokeweeders. He jumps two feet at one point as an even larger bang comes from one of the Century Hawk’s access panels, and the red-hot panel lid scythes past a few inches over his head.

FLOID
(VO)
Even better!

INT. – BASE – COMMAND ROOM

In the background, we see LUAKEL and the other pilots heading for their stations. WARD has his hands folded behind his back and is staring at the giant hologram of Coldh. As he watches, a cloud of red dots suddenly appears in orbit. Alarms sound throughout the base. An adjutant, Lt. GBW, runs up to him.

GBW
Sir! Five Imperial capital
ships just emerged from cyberspace!

WARD
(sarcastic)
I noticed.
(an order)
Divert all power to the energy shield.
That thing’s got to hold until we
complete the evacuation.

GBW
Yessir.

GBW is about to walk away, then hesitates:

GBW
Sir, when you say ALL power, does
that include the secret supply for your
slide projectors?

WARD hesitates, and from his conflicting expressions, we can see that this is a great personal sacrifice.

WARD
(at length)
Y – ee – es.

GBW
Yessir!

INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE

THELONEAMIGO waits patiently, but with some trepidation, outside GAYDAR’s pod. The pod splits open and we catch a brief glimpse of anaemically white, wrinkled skin – the back of GAYDAR’s head – before his helmet complete with radar dish is lowered into position by a robotic arm.

GAYDAR
(not turning around)
What is it, General TheLoneAmigo?

THELONEAMIGO
Sir, the Rebels have a very powerful
energy shield. They’ve diverted all
power from their generators to it.
(hesitating)
Even with this fleet, orbital bombardment
can’t punch through.

GAYDAR
(angrily)
Admiral Midgardmetal neglected to
stealth us sufficiently. We must have
been detected whilst within cyberspace.
(to himself)
He shall be…disciplined.

THELONEAMIGO tries hard not to look smug.

GAYDAR
General, prepare your forces
for a ground assault.

THELONEAMIGO nods and salutes, as GAYDAR strides away towards the front of the bridge, where MIDGARDMETAL and DIAMOND are conferring. They turn as GAYDAR approaches.

MIDGARDMETAL
Lord Gaydar, we have dropped out
of cyberspace and are about to engage – urkh!

GAYDAR
(gesturing)
You have failed me for the last
time, Admiral Midgardmetal.

GAYDAR snaps his fingers and MIDGARDMETAL’s neck snaps in time with them. The light fades from his eyes and he drops to the floor. DIAMOND looks at the corpse in shock.

GAYDAR
Captain – no, Admiral Diamond,
you are now in command of the Overcompensator.

Judging from DIAMOND’s expression, he considers this a mixed blessing.

DIAMOND
Sir?

GAYDAR
Deploy the fleet to blockade the planet.
I want nothing to get out.
And prepare to land General TheLoneAmigo’s
troops outside the shield perimeter.

DIAMOND
It shall be done.

GAYDAR
For the Emperor!

THELONEAMIGO rolls his eyes.

INT. – REBEL BASE – HANGARS

LUAKEL and the others are getting into their Smokeweeders. On the other side of the hangar, KILNGIRL is hastily briefing the other group of pilots, who are getting into their Sex-Wings and Bi-Wings. This group includes G.BONE, BASILEUS and SBEGIN.

KILNGIRL
You’re to protect each transport, in pairs.
Stick close to them; there’ll only be a
small gap in the energy shield.

G.BONE
Only two fighters per transport?
Dudette, what can that do against a
Thread Destroyer?!

KILNGIRL
(bristling a bit at ‘dudette’)
The Turtledove cannon will
fire a few shots before you leave,
to make sure no functional enemy
ships are left in your flight path.
You’ll just have to keep the Thai
fighters off the freighters’ backs.

G.BONE
Okely dokely.

KILNGIRL
(shaking her head in despair)
Just go.

The pilots get into their fighters and prepare for takeoff. Meanwhile, the Smokeweeders are launching. KILNGIRL looks towards them for a moment and bites her lip, then shakes her head and walks away.

EXT. – SPACE – PLANET COLDH

The Overcompensator and two of the smaller Thread Destroyers – the American Politics and the Conspiracy Theorist – are deploying large, cuboidal barges containing ground troops and vehicles, which are descending to the ground well away from the Rebel base, and are escorted by clouds of Thai fighters.

The other two Thread Destroyers, the God Moding and the Quoting Wikipedia, are positioned over the Rebel base and ready to shoot down any escaping transports.

INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND CENTRE

WARD is still staring at the planet image.

WARD
(to himself)
Only two on guard duty?
Overconfident assholes.
They’ll pay for that.
(to GBW)
Ready Turtledove cannon.
Release first transport.
And prepare to open the shields.

GBW
Yes, sir.

WARD
(staring at another part of the map)
And get everyone ready.
They’ll throw everything they have
at our power generators.

EXT. – OUTSIDE REBEL BASE

Rebel troops in fur guard the base’s "secret entrance". Some are mounted on penguins and carry bazooka-like weapons. There are alsos some light weapon turrets around. But there are few heavy weapons and no vehicles. A few more Smokeweeders fly from the hangars, and the troops raise a damp cheer.

EXT. – SPACE – PLANET COLDH

We focus on the Imperial Thread Destroyer Quoting Wikipedia as it holds position over the Rebel base. Far below, we see a small hole open up in the shield, and a small transport – accompanied by two Sex-Wings – rises toward the Imperial ship.

INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE

The captain, MOLOBO, and his lieutenant, GEDCA, study the radar displays.

GEDCA
Three Rebel ships approaching, Captain.

MOLOBO
(delighted)
Excellent.
Our first catch of the day!
For Poland!

GEDCA
(with weary familiarity)
For Poland.

INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND ROOM

GBW
Target locked, sir.

WARD
Huh, sitting ducks.
Fire!

EXT. – REBEL BASE – TURTLEDOVE CANNON

The spherical cannon mount emerges from its snowy disguise.

INT. – TURTLEDOVE CANNON

The cannon is operated by a crazed-looking Rebel officer, WFHERMANS.

WFHERMANS
(stabbing at control panel)
Die, die, Quoting Wikipedia!
For the children!

EXT. – TURTLEDOVE CANNON

The cannon fires several red beams into the sky.

AUDIENCE OF FANBOYS
(VO)
Shouldn’t that be blue…no that was just a trick
on the Sex-Wing vs. Thai Fighter game…well
they ought to retcon it…how dare you, you heretic…

AUDIENCE OF NORMAL PEOPLE
(VO)
SHHHH!!!!

EXT. – SPACE

We see the red beams zip past the Rebel ships (narrowly missing them) and hit the Quoting Wikipedia. They break up into streams of red lightning which crackle all over the ship.

INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE

The bridge is in chaos as consoles flicker and fade. MOLOBO stares in horror as the Rebel ships whiz past.

MOLOBO
Fire fire fire!
We must have them!

GEDCA
(patiently)
Sir, all weapons are offline.
All the computers are stuck
in some weird recursive feedback loop…

GEDCA points at a set of computer screens. All the screens show the Blue Screen of Death and are endlessly repeating the words:

SAM CARSTEN IS PALE AND COMES FROM THE RANKS AND SUNBURNS EASILY AND ZINC OXIDE DOES NOT HELP ALLEVIATE THIS CONDITION MUCH… SAM CARSTEN IS PALE AND COMES FROM THE RANKS AND SUNBURNS EASILY AND ZINC OXIDE DOES NOT HELP ALLEVIATE THIS CONDITION MUCH… SAM CARSTEN IS PALE AND COMES FROM THE RANKS AND SUNBURNS EASILY AND ZINC OXIDE DOES NOT HELP ALLEVIATE THIS CONDITION MUCH…

MOLOBO
(curses)
Surely a Jew, an enemy of
Poland, must have created
this horror!

GEDCA
(to himself)
Hey, even a stopped clock
is right twice a day.

EXT. – SPACE

The Quoting Wikipedia spins out of control, as more groups of Rebel ships speed past it and into cyberspace.

EXT. – OUTSIDE REBEL BASE

One of the Rebel ground officers, VOCSE, raises a pair of binoculars and stares at the horizon. He sees vague blots on it: Imperial forces heading this way.

VOCSE
(into radio)
Rouge Squadron, we have company.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SMOKEWEEDER

The craft has a back-to-back configuration, with LUAKEL piloting and MERRYPRANKSTER, facing backward, as the gunner. MERRYPRANKSTER answers the radio.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Roger that, Commander VoCSe.
We’re on our way.

EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH

We see the Imperial force in more detail. Its bulk is made up of GOOGLE SPIDERS of various sizes, from small car-sized ones up to house-sized armoured monstrosities. But the biggest vehicles of all are those shaped like two drunk American college students, with the one behind leaning on the one in front, and their four legs powering over the ground.

These vast fighting machines are, of course, the FRAT-FRAT WANKERS.

The camera pans into the cockpit on one of these, located in the lead frat boy’s head:

INT. – FRAT-FRAT WALKER COCKPIT

THELONEAMIGO is there personally. He is examining sensor displays.

THELONEAMIGO
Pathetic!
They have no weapons capable
of opposing us!
Forward! For Goo – er, I mean, the Empire!

EXT. – OUTSIDE REBEL BASE

The Wankers are now visible.

VOCSE
(nervously)
This is it. Open fire!

The Rebels open fire with their laser and missile weapons. We see explosions blossom on the Frat-Frats and the Google Spiders, but when the smoke clears, only the smaller of the Google Spiders are damaged. The larger Google Spiders and Frat-Frats are merely singed.

VOCSE
Dammit!
I was afraid of this!
(into radio)
Rouge Squadron, where are you?

The Imperial forces open fire. Laserfire slashes from the Google Spiders and Frat-Frats, tearing up the defence stations and vaporising screaming Rebel troops where they stand.

Then the Smokeweeders race overhead, to a ragged cheer from the remaining Rebels, and let fly with their own laser weapons at the Imperials.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SMOKEWEEDER

From LUAKEL’s point of view, we see the pink laserfire lashing out and stabbing into the side of a Frat-Frat as he skilfully pilots the Smokeweeder around the Wanker’s sluggish return fire. But his weapons seem to have little more effect than VOCSE’s forces’.

MERRYPRANKSTER
We’re just not punching through.

LUAKEL
(cursing)
Then it’ll just have to be
Project Irony.

MERRYPRANKSTER
But that’s untested!

LUAKEL
It’s either that or we test
our souls outside our bodies.

MERRYPRANKSTER
A point.

EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH

The Smokeweeders make another attack run, slowing down the Imperials a bit but doing no real damage again. This time, one of the smaller Google Spider Wankers manages to get off a shot that hits one of the Rebel Smokeweeders. Trailing smoke, that Smokeweeder careers off and smashes into a Frat-Frat, destroying it in a massive explosion.

The Imperial Wankers return their attention to the Rebel ground troops and continue cutting VOCSE’s forces to shreds.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SMOKEWEEDER

MERRYPRANKSTER
(into radio)
Rouges, this is Rouge Leader.
Project Irony is a go.

We hear vague acknowledgements from OTIS TARDA and OTHNIEL.

EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH

The three remaining Smokeweeders all select one Frat-Frat and dive for it. The Imperials fire at them but fail to score any hits this time. The Smokeweeders dive PAST the Frat-Frats – and then –

INT. – LUAKEL’S SMOKEWEEDER

LUAKEL
Fire!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Firing!

EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH

The Smokeweeder’s rear gun fires a strange burst of greyish liquid at the Frat-Frat’s legs. The other Smokeweeders do the same, and then to the Google Spiders. The greyish stuff glues the Wankers’ legs together. They pause, totter, and then fall forward onto their fronts.

INT. – THELONEAMIGO’S FRAT-FRAT – COCKPIT

THELONEAMIGO’s Frat-Frat is not one of those to have been attacked, but he stares at the ones which have, and curses.

THELONEAMIGO
Webbed! Webbed in place!
Using our own weapons against us!
And now they’re sitting ducks!

EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH

VOCSE
Slywanker did it!
Fire all artillery!

The Rebels’ artillery, unable to hit a moving target, fires. Several Frat-Frats and Google Spiders blow up, and the soldiers cheer.

INT. – THELONEAMIGO’S FRAT-FRAT – COCKPIT

THELONEAMIGO
Move up the Yahoo! Slurp Spiders
to slurp that webbing away!
And keep firing at the Smokeweeders!

EXT. – ICE PLAINS OF COLDH

We follow one of the Smokeweeders as it webs another Google Spider, but is then hit by a burst from THELONEAMIGO’s Frat-Frat.

INT. – MAX’S SMOKEWEEDER

Blue lightning crackles over the damaged control panels as MAX SINISTER and OTIS TARDA struggle to bring the Smokeweeder back under control.

OTIS TARDA
The primary circuit’s fried!

MAX SINISTER
(cursing)
We’re done for!

OTIS TARDA
(after a pause)
Well…
As we’re about to die…
I think you ought to know…

MAX SINISTER
What?

OTIS TARDA
It was actually us who started WW2.

MAX SINISTER
WHAT?!!

The Smokeweeder suddenly pulls up from its death dive and heads back toward the Rebel base.

MAX SINISTER
I can’t believe this!!
You mean to tell me…

OTIS TARDA
Well no, I just made it up.
But at least it gave you enough
motivation to fix us, eh?

MAX SINISTER
(snarling)
I hate mind games.

He smashes down on the control panel, apparently randomly, and OTIS TARDA’s seat ejects.

EXT. – PLAINS OF COLDH

We see OTIS TARDA go flying through the air and end up spreadeagled on the windscreen of THELONEAMIGO’s Frat-Frat.

INT. – THELONEAMIGO’S FRAT-FRAT – COCKPIT

THELONEAMIGO stares dispassionately at OTIS TARDA, then flicks a switch that activates the windscreen wipers, and scrapes him off.

THELONEAMIGO
Good. Now…
(looks at battlefield)
Excellent. The Slurp Spiders are here.

EXT. – PLAINS OF COLDH

The Slurp Spiders, smaller gold-coloured support Wankers, are slurping up the grey web material.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SMOKEWEEDER

LUAKEL
(cursing)
Dammit!

MERRYPRANKSTER
(quietly)
Max and Otis are out of action,
and we’re all out of ammo.

LUAKEL
(sighing)
All right.
Back to base.

MERRYPRANKSTER
At least we bought them some time.

LUAKEL nods but seems unsatisfied. The Wankers continue onwards, crushing VOCSE’s troops, but more and more Rebel transports are rising from the base. The two remaining Smokeweeders turn and return to base.
~~~

INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND ROOM

The room is now relatively deserted; radar screens and the big hologram show the blips of most of the Rebel transports have already left, and are cruising past the disabled Quoting Wikipedia into deep space. All that are left are WARD and KILNGIRL.

WARD
(staring at a screen)
Dammit.
VoCSe and the Rogues
bought us some time.
But now the Imps are coming.

KILNGIRL
General, we have to evacuate!

WARD
Bah!
There aren’t even any transports
left anywhere where we could
reach them in time!
And there are only enough Sex-Wings
to take the Rouges into space.

In shock, KILNGIRL realises he’s right.

KILNGIRL
But then-

WARD
(winking)
But there is one ship left
that could take you.

KILNGIRL
(catching on)
Wha – oh yes!
But General-

WARD
Stow it. I ain’t comin’.

WARD sits down, cracks open his laser rifle and starts cleaning it.

WARD
I’m old, Princess.
I’m no more use to the Rebellion.

KILNGIRL
General, you know that’s not true-

WARD
(ignoring her)
But there’s one thing I can still
do for you, and the Republic.
(decisively)
Now go, before I stuff you into
a torpedo tube and damn well
blast you into orbit!

KILNGIRL nods, her eyes tearing, and backs away down a corridor. WARD smirks and goes back to cleaning his rifle.

INT. – THELONEAMIGO’S FRAT-FRAT – COCKPIT

THELONEAMIGO
Power generators in range.
Target and fire!

EXT. – OUTSIDE REBEL BASE

The Frat-Frat fires its powerful lasers at the snow dunes. The snow instantly vaporises from the heat, exposing the hidden power generators below it, and then those power generators detonate as they are hit by the laserfire. The shimmering glow of the shield over the battlefield fades away.

The tattered remnants of the Rebel army are fighting a losing battle against the encroaching Imperial Google Spiders and Frat-Frats. We focus on Major VOCSE, who has a bazooka and is firing rockets at the Google Spiders. He manages to hit one on a leg joint and it collapses, detonating as it hits the ice.

VOCSE
(to his subordinates)
So what do you reckon, eh?
General Ward – ace tactician
or bloodthirsty madman?
Or you could blame me.

Stairways telescope down from between the legs of the Frat-Frats and they start disgorging Porntroopers in white/blue camouflage and cold air breathing equipment. VOCSE screams, picks up a laser automatic rifle, and begins blazing away at the Porntrooper horde. All around him, Rebels are cut down by Porntroopers, until VOCSE is the last one standing on a heap of bodies. He staggers in the cold and under the weight of his weapons, but keeps on firing.

Then we see a single neat bolt come out of nowhere and hit VOCSE between the eyes. He staggers, drops his gun, and falls.

VOCSE
(mumbling)
For the Republic.

We pan across to see THELONEAMIGO lowering his smoking pistol. His expression is cold, his eyes betray no emotion.

THELONEAMIGO
(an order)
Search the base.
Kill them. Kill them all.

INT. – REBEL BASE – HANGAR

FLOID and CHEWY are still working on the Century Hawk, whilst C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2 sit to one side, arguing. KILNGIRL runs in.

KILNGIRL
Captain Floid, we’re outta here!

FLOID
What?

KILNGIRL
We’ve got to go now!
The Imps will be here any second!

FLOID
But we still haven’t re-attached the
photolytic regenerator…

KILNGIRL
Spare me your technobabble!

LUAKEL enters, a hunted look on his face. We hear the faint echo of laserfire from further down the corridor.

LUAKEL
I need my political.
Ready, PaulSpring?

PAULSPRING
Beep beep boop beep.

FLOID
Hey kid, is it really that bad!

LUAKEL
It’s that bad squared, Floid!

FLOID
(decisively)
Okay, we’ve going.
Regenerator be damned!

LUAKEL goes off with PAULSPRING-D2, FLOID and CHEWY begin hurriedly prepping the Century Hawk for launch, KILNGIRL fumes that FLOID believed LUAKEL but not her.

INT. – REBEL BASE – ANOTHER HANGAR

LUAKEL hurriedly lowers himself into place in his Sex-Wing, PAULSPRING-D2 fitting into the socket between the two Love Globes. Around him, the other Rouges are getting into their Sex-Wings.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING

LUAKEL puts his disturbingly designed helmet on and surveys the control panels.

LUAKEL
All right, PaulSpring?
Begin power up sequence alpha one.
Run safety checks on-

We here a zap sound and sparks fly from above LUAKEL’s head. He turns around and sees that Imperial Porntroopers have arrived and are blazing away with their rifles.

LUAKEL
On second thoughts, let’s just go.

PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleeble bleep!
(text appears on screen)
NOW YOU’RE TALKING, YOU
WORTHLESS LIBERAL!

INT. – HANGAR

The Sex-Wings roar away into the sky, the Porntroopers still blazing away impotently with their personal weapons.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

FLOID, CHEWY, KILNGIRL and C-LEO are inside the ship. FLOID and CHEWY are fiddling desperately with the control panels, which are opened up and have brightly coloured cables forming a spiderweb across the cockpit.

FLOID
C’mon, c’mon…

C-LEO
(pointing at an external camera screen)
Oh my! We’re doomed!

The screen shows two Porntroopers setting up a heavy artillery weapon, putting it together out of parts.

EXT. – CENTURY HAWK HANGAR

We see those two Porntroopers, MATTEP74 and STEFFEN, in more detail.

MATTEP74
(muttering)
It says here ‘Insert Tab A into Slot B’.

STEFFEN
I can’t find Slot B. Do you think it’s
a misprint and they mean Slot C?

MATTEP74
Dunno.

STEFFEN
I’ll try it.

He does so, and a shower of sparks flies from the weapon, hurling him back.

MATTEP74
I don’t think it meant that.

STEFFEN
(picking himself up)
Damned IKEA weaponry…

MATTEP74
HEY! Are you insulting Sweden?

STEFFEN
Uh-

The two begin a fistfight, leaving the weapon in pieces.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

FLOID smirks and begins the power up sequence.

INT. – REBEL BASE – COMMAND ROOM

The Porntroopers, led by THELONEAMIGO, burst in. The room is now totally deserted except for General WARD, who is holding his rifle.

THELONEAMIGO
Drop that, Rebel scum!

WARD
(grinning)
Why, of course.

WARD drops the gun. THELONEAMIGO looks a bit confused, like a Jehovah’s Witness who’s just been invited in. WARD proceeds to pull out a small compact mirror and apparently admires himself in it.

THELONEAMIGO
(recovering)
Vain old fool.

THELONEAMIGO raises his pistol.

WARD
(not looking away)
You’d shoot down an unarmed man?

THELONEAMIGO
Of course.

WARD
Then go ahead.

THELONEAMIGO fires a shot – WARD smirks and twirls his mirror – the laser bolt HITS THE MIRROR AND REFLECTS – the bolt hits THELONEAMIGO in the chest and he collapses!

WARD
The biter bit, eh?

THELONEAMIGO
(gasping for air)
Men – kill him!

The Porntroopers open up. WARD begins waving the mirror back and forth like a tennis ace, catching each shot and reflecting it, but there are too many shots, and his mirror is beginning to glow red-hot.

WARD
(through gritted teeth)
You Imps never did play fair.

Finally a shot gets through, hits him in the chest, and two more follow it. WARD staggers backward and collapses into his command chair, dropping the mirror to the floor where it shatters. WARD glances to one side, sees a last blip rising from the base on the hologram, and nods. Then he looks up at THELONEAMIGO with one last grin.

WARD
(weakly)
But then, nor did I.

He opens his other hand to reveal he’s holding a deadman switch. Focus on THELONEAMIGO’s horrified expression –

EXT. – OUTSIDE REBEL BASE

The Century Hawk rises triumphantly from the base. Behind it, a giant nuclear mushroom cloud suddenly blossoms over the base, obliterating the entire Imperial army in an instant.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

KILNGIRL
(staring at the explosion)
Godspeed, General Ward.

FLOID
(reluctantly)
Yeah.

EXT. – SPACE – PLANET COLDH ORBIT

The Sex-Wings (from before) rise from the atmosphere and dive past the still-disabled Quoting Wikipedia, but the God Moding is now shifting into position behind them to block any more orbital escapes. LUAKEL’s Sex-Wing breaks away from the others and heads in another direction.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING

PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep bleeble!
(text appears on screen)
YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG
WAY AS USUAL, YOU SILLY LEFTIE!

LUAKEL
No, PaulSpring.
We’re just going on a little detour.
(looks thoughtful)
We’re going to a place called Gay-O-Bar.
To see a Kitjedi Master.

EXT. – SPACE – SEX-WING

The Sex-Wing’s engines flare and it dives into a Hyperlink.

We pan across to another part of space, and see the Century Hawk now rising, with the God Moding approaching behind and beginning to fire. Thai fighters also race up towards them.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

FLOID
Don’t worry, Princess, we can outrun them –
Oh crap.

KILNGIRL
What’s gone wrong now?

CHEWY
(pointing)
Two more Thread Destroyers, directly ahead!

And indeed the American Politics and the Conspiracy Theorist lie in their path.

FLOID
(cursing)
Just great.
Well we still have manoeuvrability, at least.

KILNGIRL
How does that help?

FLOID
(thoughtfully)
I have an idea.

’

EXT. – SPACE

The Century Hawk dives directly between the two Thread Destroyers. The Thread Destroyers open fire, but mostly end up hitting each other. Meanwhile, the God Moding is still approaching from behind – and heading for a collision!

INT. – AMERICAN POLITICS – BRIDGE

Alarms sound as the God Moding approaches.

CAPTAIN RAHARRIS1973
All engines, hard a starboard!
(shaking his fist)
Damn the God Moding’s captain,
he never respects anyone else’s
right of way!

EXT. – SPACE

The three Thread Destroyers narrowly manage to avoid a collision, but have fallen far behind the Century Hawk, which flies triumphantly onwards, pursued only by a few Thai fighters.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

FLOID
Occasionally I even astound myself!

KILNGIRL
Yeah, yeah.
Get on with it.

FLOID
Chewy, engage Hyperlink Drive.

CHEWY pulls a lever. We hear a sound like a swanny whistle going down, but nothing else happens.

FLOID
Chewy?

CHEWY
(shaking his head)
It’s no use.
Our orbital hybridiser
just blew out.
I did say you shouldn’t have
bought it from those shoddy
suppliers around the back of the bike sheds…

FLOID
(loudly)
All right, all right!
I’ll think of something else!

KILNGIRL
Think quickly!

FLOID
(pointing at radar)
There! Chewy, isn’t that-

CHEWY
An asteroid belt.

FLOID
Set a course.

KILNGIRL
What?
The Thread Destroyers are much more
resistant to asteroid impacts than we are!!

FLOID
(tapping his nose)
Ex – actly!
So we must have some fiendish ulterior
motive for luring them in there!

KILNGIRL
And do we?

FLOID
Well no, but they don’t know that.

KILNGIRL shakes her head in despair as the Century Hawk heads for the asteroid field.

~~~

EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID BELT

The Century Hawk turns and dives deeper into the asteroid field, five or six Thai fighters pursuing. The Century Hawk makes a tight turn to avoid one asteroid which slams into one of the Thai fighters instead; it explodes. Behind the scuffle, we see the three Thread Destroyers hesitate and then come after the Century Hawk into the asteroid belt. The Thread Destroyers begin to blast away at the larger asteroids to clear a path, while their shields spark as the smaller ones deflect off them.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

CHEWY has taken over one of the turret guns and is blazing away at the pursuing Thai fighters – he manages to hit and destroy one, and a second runs into another asteroid. Meanwhile, we see dust and smaller rocks bouncing off the Century Hawk’s sparking shields. KILNGIRL and C-LEO look nervous, while FLOID is studying the radar display with the tip of his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth.

FLOID
There!
Looks perfect!

KILNGIRL
What? Something looks perfect in this lot?!

FLOID
(winking)
You just have to know where to look, Princess.
Chewy, see the big boy at one-four-seven?

CHEWY
(glancing around)
Of course, old chap. Ah – yes, I see…

C-LEO
You do?
I, for one, am as blind to Captain Floid’s
intentions as the proverbial prince of
Ghaduku spoken of by the prophet-

FLOID
Shut up, Polyglot.
Chewy, I’m taking us in.

KILNGIRL
In?!

EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID FIELD

The Thread Destroyers are closing on them. The Century Hawk reaches a large asteroid and begins cruising over its surface. Only two Thai fighters are left – the Century Hawk destroys one with laserfire and the second is hit by another rock and explodes.

Then a crevasse appears in the asteroid and the Century Hawk abruptly dives into it.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

Through the windscreen we see the dark chasm growing before them, and then the whole ship is plunged into darkness save for the emergency lights.

KILNGIRL
Aaaaaaargh!

FLOID
(through gritted teeth)
Here we go!

C-LEO
We’re doomed!

We clock-wipe to:

EXT. – SPACE – GAY-O-BAR SYSTEM

The planet Gay-O-Bar is visible. It’s a grey, grooved, dark ball covered with murky clouds.

A Hyperlink opens and LUAKEL’s Sex-Wing emerges from cyberspace into orbit.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING

LUAKEL pilots the Sex-Wing into a dive; the canopy is soon taken up by murky clouds pulling past.

LUAKEL
So this is it. Gay-O-Bar.

PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeble bleep blatt!

(Words appear on the screen, but we don’t see them)

LUAKEL
You’re detecting what?
(studies his screens)
This place is a post-industrial wasteland!

EXT. – GAY-O-BAR

And indeed it is. The Sex-Wing emerges from the clouds – dark with pollution – and we find that the planet is entirely concreted over, covered with urban city blocks. Yet none of them show any signs of habitation. There are no lights, the windows are smashed and broken, grass and weeds are feebly beginning to push their way up through cracks in the long-neglected pavement and road asphalt.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING

LUAKEL looks grim, not least because the dark clouds prevent much sunlight from reaching him.

LUAKEL
What a depressing place.
I wonder why Bruno’s Kitjedi Master
would choose to live here.
(sighs)
All right, I’d better land -

LUAKEL flicks a switch. Nothing happens. He frowns and flicks it again. Nothing continues to happen. Then the lights on his dashboard begin to flicker in apparently random patterns and warning buzzers sound.

LUAKEL
PaulSpring! I’ve lost helm control!
Can you –

PAULSPRING-D2
(sounding negative)
Boop.

LUAKEL
Oh crap.

LUAKEL pulls open a panel and withdraws an odd-looking mechanical device.

LUAKEL
(to himself)
I’ll have to provide the power for the landing gear
manually with this generator,
and risk a landing without the antigravs.

EXT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING

We see the Sex-Wing cruise on its gentle dive towards Gay-O-Bar’s surface.

LUAKEL
(VO)
Whoo! Hah! Whoo! Hah!
Whoo! Hah! Whoo! Hah!

Through the cockpit, we can see LUAKEL rocking back and forth. It’s not quite clear what he’s doing with the mechanical device, but it’s certainly taking a lot of effort.

LUAKEL
(VO)
Whoo-hah! Whoo-hah!
Whoo-HAAAAAAAH!

The landing gear of the Sex-Wing pops out with a ‘sproink’ sound.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING

LUAKEL is now drenched in sweat. He puts the mechanical device to one side, then, as an afterthought, takes a cigarette from his pocket and smokes it.

LUAKEL
Now to see if I can find a soft landing spot.

PAULSPRING-D2
(sounding pessimistic)
Blot bleep bleep.

LUAKEL
I know it won’t be easy in these
concrete canyons, PaulSpring,
but there has to be something…
Ah!

EXT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING

The Sex-Wing, landing gear extended, glides over the top of a large, cuboidal, industrial-looking building, and descends towards its roof (off-camera).

The camera pans down to reveal the worn sign on the building:
GAY-O-BAR SEWAGE RECLAMATION PLANT 4.

We hear an almighty ‘sploodge’ sound.

INT. – SEWAGE PLANT

Inside the plant, there are vast vats of variously coloured fluids and pastes, and LUAKEL’s Sex-Wing has landed in one of these, and is beginning to sink. Reddish paste has been splattered all over the huge room. There is a Sex-Wing-shaped hole in the ceiling.

The canopy pops on the Sex-Wing and LUAKEL stands up, peering over the lip of the vat.

LUAKEL
(to himself)
Fortunately, this is the future,
so all the sewage reclamation
is done cleanly and hygienically
with these bacteria tanks, which
probably haven’t even touched
any waste since the civilisation here collapsed.

LUAKEL stabs his finger at the camera.

LUAKEL
So ha-ha!

PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleeble bleep?

LUAKEL
(turning around)
No, PaulSpring, you stay here for now.
I’m going to go and take a look around.

PAULSPRING-D2
(grumbling)
Blippiblal Blefblie.

LUAKEL climbs out of the vat and swings himself over the side, dropping to the stained concrete floor. He is about to walk away when he hears a hissing/crackling sound behind him and turns.

PAULSPRING-D2 rises on little rocket jets from the vat and then descends to an easy landing beside him.

LUAKEL
PaulSpring!
I didn’t know you could fly!

PAULSPRING-D2
Blipple bleep bloop.

He projects the words into the air using his hologram projector:
"WELL I COULD FLY IN EPISODE 2 AND IT WOULD BE A BIT STUPID IF I DIDN’T USE IT IN THIS SITUATION, WOULDN’T IT!"

LUAKEL slaps his forehead.

LUAKEL
Of course, silly me.
Well, come on, let’s take a look at this place.

LUAKEL walks away, out of the room and into the bleak grey world beyond. PAULSPRING follows, trundling along on his wheels.

INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE

GAYDAR is studying some screens, while the lieutenants manning them keep looking nervously over their shoulders at him. DIAMOND walks up to them.

DIAMOND
Lord Gaydar, sir.

GAYDAR
Yes, Admiral?

DIAMOND
Our ships have sighted the Century Hawk, lord,
but it has fled into the asteroid belt…

GAYDAR
No matter. It is imperative that we recover that ship –
and intact. This is an Imperial battlefleet: we should
not be concerned with a few rocks.

DIAMOND
(sighing to himself)
Yes, my lord.

EXT. – ASTEROID CAVERN – CENTURY HAWK

The Century Hawk, only lit by its own spotlights, sits at the bottom of the crevasse.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

CHEWY and FLOID are busy fiddling with controls. KILNGIRL and C-LEO look worried.

FLOID
Okay, I’m shutting down everything for stealth,
except life support and other essentials.

KILNGIRL
What are the other essentials?

FLOID
Well, there’s the pinball machine…

C-LEO
Oh my! What shall I do?

FLOID
You go and talk to the Hawk’s computer.
See if there’s any way we can bypass this
and get our hyperlink drive back online.

C-LEO
Oh, very well.

C-LEO leaves the cockpit, CHEWY going with him.

KILNGIRL
(eyeing FLOID critically)
You know, I thought this was a crazy plan,
but it seems to have worked-

The whole ship rocks and sways, and we hear strange grinding noises from outside.

FLOID
(sarcastically)
That’s right, jinx it.

Another, more violent rocking motion, and KILNGIRL is thrown out of her chair and ends up in FLOID’s arms. They stare at each other.

FLOID
Er – what?

KILNGIRL
Get your hands off of me!

KILNGIRL draws away and sits in her own chair again. FLOID looks vaguely wistful.

FLOID
(decisively)
I’m going to go and help those two
with the hyperlink drive.

KILNGIRL
(not looking at him)
Suits me.

FLOID sighs and walks out of the cockpit. KILNGIRL leans on the dark dashboard, staring at the blackness outside, then finally lets out a wistful sigh of her own.

EXT. – GAY-O-BAR

LUAKEL and PAULSPRING-D2 make their way along a dusty, deserted concrete high street, no different from the others. We can see the sewage plant building in the background, so they haven’t moved far. LUAKEL looks depressed and is staring at one deserted building after another with dull eyes.

LUAKEL
This isn’t my idea of fun
(sighs)
How are we going to find Bruno’s Master?
This place makes me feel like…like…

STRANGELY ACCENTED VOICE
Like what?

LUAKEL spins around, pulling out his Sexsword, as PAULSPRING-D2 lets out a squawk of alarm. But there’s nothing there. LUAKEL frowns, shrugs, and turns back the way he was going –

And there is someone there. An old, robed man leaning on a crook, his face hidden by a cowl and a white beard.

LUAKEL
Like I’m being watched!

OLD MAN
(waving his arms)
Away with your weapon, llook you!
Indeed to gootness, boyo, I am wondering
why you are here.

LUAKEL
(edgily)
I’m looking for someone.

OLD MAN
Well, now you’ve found someone, yes?

LUAKEL laughs.

OLD MAN
I can hellp you, boyo.

LUAKEL
I don’t think so.
I’m looking for, for a great warrior.

OLD MAN
Pschaw!
War does not make a man great!
The onlly conquests that matter
are those of the, aha, sexuall kind…

The OLD MAN cackles and LUAKEL looks faintly grossed out.

LUAKEL
Look, I’m looking for a…a Kitjedi Master
who once taught my friend Bruno –
I mean Doctor-What Lombardi.
Do you know those names?

OLD MAN
Indeed. I know where the Master you speak of llives, boyo.
I shallll take you to him, indeed to gootness I shallll.

The OLD MAN turns and stumps off in one direction. LUAKEL hesitates, looking sceptical, then walks after him. PAULSPRING-D2 follows.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – MAIN COMPARTMENT

C-LEO is talking to the ship’s computer in a computer language of beeps and modem static. FLOID and CHEWY look on with their arms folded. C-LEO turns to them and shakes his head.

C-LEO
I’m afraid it’s no use.
We simply must have a
new orbital hybridiser.

FLOID
Might have known.
(sighs)
What about the battle damage?

C-LEO
The London polariser in the
dynamic combinatorial circuit
must be recalibrated.

FLOID
Typical.

FLOID walks back into the cockpit, while CHEWY and C-LEO continue quizzing the computer.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

KILNGIRL is reading an old copy of Vanity Fair, which she hastily puts away as FLOID comes in.

FLOID
’Scuse me, Princess, but I need
to recalibrate the London polariser.

KILNGIRL
(a bit coldly still)
Oh…

KILNGIRL gets up, flips open a panel and pulls out the relevant circuitboard.

FLOID
(impressed)
Hey!
Even I can’t find that one first try!

KILNGIRL
You think it was all eating off golden
plates in the Royal House of Canada?
We had to work for a living, and I
ended up in the Engineering Corps.

FLOID
(taking in this new information)
Hmmm…

FLOID pulls out a giant monkey wrench/Swiss army knife and fiddles with it until he gets the right tool. He takes the circuit board from KILNGIRL and begins adjusting it, but then curses mildly.

FLOID
It’s no use…
(with the air of one making a great sacrifice)
Princess, can you hold this for me while I
reset those three logic gates here?

KILNGIRL
If I must.

She holds the circuit board as FLOID leans over her shoulder and flicks the tool over the board. Their position requires that they’re in close proximity to each other, which isn’t lost on either of them.

KILNGIRL
You might want to reset that one at
alpha 9 too; looks like it’s a bit dodgy.

FLOID
(studies it)
Hey, you’re right!

FLOID adjusts that gate as well, turning his head toward KILNGIRL and offering her a roguish grin.

FLOID
Any chance I can tempt you to
stay on as a permanent member of crew?
We could use your leet skillzors…

KILNGIRL turns her own head to look at him and gives him a winsome smile.

KILNGIRL
Yeah, right, like that’s your only motivation.

FLOID
Hey, I respect your abilities!
Even if I do have an…ulterior…motive…

KILNGIRL
(quirking a smile)
So do I.

They suddenly share a passionate kiss over the circuit board, which sparks – in reaction?

Then C-LEO barges in through the door.

C-LEO
I say, Captain Floid!
I’ve isolated the remainder of the damage!

FLOID and KILNGIRL freeze halfway through, their eyes bulging out of their sockets, then hastily disengage. KILNGIRL looks a little shocked at herself, while FLOID spins around and gives C-LEO a dirty look.

FLOID
Thank you, Polyglot.

C-LEO
(missing the sarcasm)
Oh, that’s all right, sir.

FLOID sighs and walks away into the back of the Century Hawk. KILNGIRL remains seated, her eyes distant and thoughtful.

EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID BELT

The Imperial fleet moves deeper into the asteroid belt, asteroids slamming into all the ships and being deflected by the shields. The ships keep up a steady laserfire to destroy all the larger asteroids before they can hit them, but they are rapidly coming faster than they can cope with.

INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE

GAYDAR is standing before a massive display of hologram projectors, with four half-size hologram figures representing the captains of the Thread Destroyers. DIAMOND stands to one side of GAYDAR, looking nervous. The captain of the God Moding is speaking –

UNNAMED CAPTAIN
And then the inbred morons
just vanished off our scopes and –
what?
(to someone off-screen)
No! This cannot be! Intensify firepower!
My magical unrealistic weapon destroys the rock before-

The hologram dissolves into static. DIAMOND and the remaining captains look horrified. GAYDAR seems unmoved.

EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID BELT

We see a truly massive asteroid slam into the God Moding’s bridge tower and destroy it in a shower of molten metal and gravel. The God Moding, out of control, fires its engines randomly and gets pummelled by a dozen more rocks; finally its main reactor detonates, leaving only an empty husk of superstructure behind. The other Thread Destroyers continue on.

INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE

DIAMOND
Lord Gaydar, sensors report that the
God Moding has been destroyed.

GAYDAR
I see.
(a pause)
Captain Raharris1973, continue
on from where he got to.

RAHARRIS1973
(sounding scared)
Yes, my lord.
The Century Hawk just vanished off our scopes.
Considering the amount of damage they took
(pointedly emphasising this)
they must have been destroyed.

GAYDAR
(at length)
No. They are alive.
The Innuendo never lies.
You shall sweep this asteroid belt
until they are found.

DIAMOND
(in a mutter)
Or until we’re all dead.

GAYDAR
(turning to another hologram)
And you, Captain Molobo-

MOLOBO
Yes my lord!
We’ve completed all repairs and are
now ready to take part in the search – gah!!

MOLOBO clutches his throat.

GAYDAR
(deadly)
Do not fail me again.

GAYDAR drops his hand and MOLOBO gasps for air, given a reprieve.

GAYDAR
Continue the search.
They must be found.

A lieutenant runs up to DIAMOND with a message, which he reads, paling as he does so.

DIAMOND
My lord.
The Emperor commands that he
make contact with you.

GAYDAR
Ah.
Move this ship out of the
asteroid field so we can have
a nice unstaticky transmission.

DIAMOND
(in disbelief)
Y – es, my lord.

GAYDAR strides away. DIAMOND is left shaking his head.

EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID FIELD

The Overcompensator reverses out of the asteroid field, leaving the American Politics, Conspiracy Theorist and Quoting Wikipedia to comb the field.

INT. – GAYDAR’S PRIVATE COMM ROOM

A truly giant hologram projector fills the room. GAYDAR bows before it as it lights up an an image begins to form.

GAYDAR
What is thy bidding, my-
(he looks up)
Hey, who the hell are you?

UNFAMILIAR FIGURE
I’m Post Wastage, the Imperial
Grand Vizier. Your call is important
to us and soon you will be put through to –

GAYDAR
(makes cutting motion)
Hold on, hold on.
You were edited out of the final cut of the film,
although you do appear in several comic books
and are mentioned in various novels afterwards.

POST WASTAGE
I was? Oh, bugger.

The image vanishes and is replaced by someone in a dark cowled robe. GAYDAR nods.

GAYDAR
Ahem. What is thy bidding, my-
Hang on, you’re not the Emperor either…

EMPEROR FIGURE
Yes I am!

GAYDAR
Nonononono.
You played the Emperor in the original
cinema version of this film, but for the
Special Edition you were replaced with the
actor who played the Emperor in Episode VI
and the prequels, donchaknow.

EMPEROR FIGURE
I was? Oh, bugger.

That image vanishes as well. GAYDAR remains standing, patiently, as a third image appears. It looks identical to the second except that it’s the right actor… GAYDAR bows.

GAYDAR
Finally!
What is thy bidding, my master?

GRIMM REAPER
Howdy ho, Gaydar my man!
I feel a great disturbance in the Innuendo…
…though why I am telling this to you when you were the one who originally informed me, I don’t know…
and I want to have a nice neighbourly chat
with you about it!

GAYDAR
(in a mutter)
Damn……ial.
(out loud)
I have also felt this, my master.

GRIMM REAPER
We have a new enemy, it seems.
Luak Slywanker.
(pause)
The British press have several interesting
articles on the subject which you might find
it most instructive to read –

GAYDAR
(cutting him off)
Yes, my master.

GRIMM REAPER
He was the pupil of my old enemy Doctor-What.
He could destroy us…

GAYDAR
He’s just a boy.
Doctor-What can no longer help him.

In the background, we see DOCTOR WHAT – now dressed as an Imperial officer and wearing a fake Hitler moustache – lean around the chamber door and wink at the camera before moving on.

GRIMM REAPER
Nevertheless, the Innuendo is strong within him.
(intently)
The son of Slywanker must not become a Kitjedi.

GAYDAR
But…
If he could be turned…
He would make a powerful ally.

GRIMM REAPER
Yes, yes. He would be an…asset.
Can it be done?

GAYDAR
If I am not successful, my master,
then I will send him to one of our slave-worked
clothes-colouring sweatshop planets.
He will not last long there.

GRIMM REAPER
You mean…

GAYDAR
Yes!
He will join us or dye, my master!

GRIMM REAPER
Agh! The pun pain, the pun pain…

GRIMM REAPER’s image vanishes. Behind his mask, we can somehow tell that GAYDAR is smirking to himself.

EXT. – GAY-O-BAR

LUAKEL and PAULSPRING-D2 – obviously tired from walking – follow the OLD MAN, who still seems sprightly, into a large brickwork building. There is a neon sign above the door, still flickering weakly a bright pink, which reads "THE HARD DAZED KNIGHTS".

INT. – THE HARD DAZED KNIGHTS

The building seems to have been a bar or club at one point. Now it is deserted as the rest as the planet, dust having piled up on the barstools and the rather disturbing-looking posters on the walls. The OLD MAN goes behind the bar and takes some glasses over to the bar optics. A suspicious number of the liquids in them seem to have absurdly bright colours, shocking pink, aqua blue, luminous green etc.

With surprising ease, the OLD MAN drips a measured portion of each optic into a long glass, producing a rainbow-layered cocktail, which he sets down in front of LUAKEL.

OLD MAN
Fancy a Llong Hard Screw Against the Wallll?

LUAKEL
Er…

OLD MAN
(sighing)
It’s the drink.

LUAKEL
Ah.

LUAKEL sips it, makes a face, but drinks a bit more for show.

LUAKEL
Uhh, delicious.
But I don’t see why we can’t see
the Kitjedi Master now.

OLD MAN
Patience, patience, look you.
The Master is not far away, not far at allll.

The OLD MAN mixes a cocktail of his own, sips it, and then sits down on the other side of the bar, staring keenly at LUAKEL.

OLD MAN
So why do you wish to become
a Kitjedi, hmm, whateffar?

LUAKEL
I…
Mostly because of my father, I suppose.

OLD MAN
Ah, your father, yes.
Powerfull Kitjedi he was, boyo,
powerfull indeed.

LUAKEL
(fed up)
Oh, come on!
How could you know my father –
you don’t even know who I am!
…I’m wasting my time here.

The OLD MAN turns to a darkened doorway.

OLD MAN
(irritated)
I cannot teach him, llook you.
The boyo has no patience, whateffar.

DOCTOR WHAT’S SPOOKY VOICE
(from the doorway)
He will learn patience.

LUAKEL
(looking up)
Bruno?!

INT. – DARKENED DOORWAY

DOCTOR WHAT is just around the corner, with his Acme Spooky Sounding Megaphone to his lips. With his other hand, he’s slowly taking off his Imperial Officer disguise and putting on another one. He pauses to wink at the camera.

INT. – THE HARD DAZED KNIGHTS

As before.

OLD MAN
(directed at the doorway)
There’s much anger in him.
Just llike his father!

DOCTOR WHAT’S SPOOKY VOICE
Was I any different when you taught me?

OLD MAN
I never taught you. I taught Count Dearborn,
who taught Si-On Ewig, who taught you.

DOCTOR WHAT’S SPOOKY VOICE
Well yeah, but it’s the principle of the thing.

OLD MAN
Hah. He’s not ready.

LUAKEL is looking from the OLD MAN to the doorway and back, realisation on his face.

LUAKEL
I – master?!
I am ready! I can be a Kitjedi!
Tell him, Bruno!

OLD MAN
(angrily)
You’re ready? What do you know of ready?
For eight hundred years I have trained Kitjedi.
I founded the Kitjedi Order mysellf!
(turning to LUAKEL)
I have watched you, never mind how.
You are stubborn, recklless! You crave Adventure!
The true Kitjedi does not want these things, llook you!

LUAKEL
Wha –
(frowning)
Eight hundred years old?
And you founded the Order?
How can this be?

OLD MAN
(nodding)
Ah. Now you are thinking like a Kitjedi.
Asking questions. Questioning assumptions.

LUAKEL
…and?

OLD MAN
I am not human, boyo, though I may llook it.
My kind have the ability to regenerate into a new
body once our old one has burned away…

LUAKEL
(thoughtful)
Hmm, that sounds familiar…

OLD MAN
And you are privileged now to witness me as I
enter my very last incarnation, my twenty-third…

Suddenly pink-white flame flies from the hood and sleeves of the OLD MAN’s robe. LUAKEL gasps and draws back in amazement as the fire spreads out, the bearded face melting beneath it, fading and reforming into new, strong, young features. The robe burns away.

Finally we see a shoulders-up shot of the OLD MAN as the last fire fades away. He is young once again, no older than LUAKEL. A tattoo on his forehead says XXIII.

YOUNG MAN
I am Kitjed-23,
Twenty-third reincarnation of
Kitjed-1 the founder of the Kitjedi Order!
What do you have to say to that, eh, boyo?

Change shot to show LUAKEL’s shocked expression.

LUAKEL
Umm…
Could you put some clothes on please?

~~~

EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID FIELD

Asteroids continue to spark off the shields of the three remaining Imperial Thread Destroyers (Quoting Wikipedia, American Politics and Conspiracy Theorist). The Overcompensator glides back into the fold as we watch, blasting away at the larger asteroids.

Clouds of Thai fighters fly from the hangar bays of the ships. Some of them are escorting Siamese bombers, which are two Thai fighters fused together a la Siamese twins, with a cockpit in only one of them and the other devoted to bomb storage.

A large asteroid enters the camera view, and we zoom in…

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

KILNGIRL is still reclining in her seat, looking thoughtful as she toys with a control on the dashboard.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – MAIN CORRIDOR

The lights are flickering on and off in time with KILNGIRL playing with the lever. CHEWY and FLOID have got every access panel possible off the wall and are staring at the circuit boards in puzzlement.

FLOID
Well, we may have rigged the hyperlink drive
for a one shot burst, but I still can’t understand
why we can’t fix the lighting…

CHEWY
Quite right, old chap.

A distant, feminine scream, and KILNGIRL suddenly dashes in, horror on her face.

KILNGIRL
Eyes! Outside. Three of them! Green!

FLOID
Oh?

CHEWY
(looking up)
At least the lights have stopped flickering…

We hear a thump and a sort of scraping sound on the outer hull, followed by another. KILNGIRL winces and ducks instinctively.

C-LEO
Oh my! I recognise that mating call.
These are Alien Space Bats!

FLOID
Figures.
Okay, this rock has a scrap of an atmosphere.
We should be okay outside with a facemask.
Chewy, want to come and help me shoot ’em off the hull?

CHEWY
Would love to, old bean, but you know I get
a bit chesty in the open air. Much less the
near-vacuum of an asteroid atmosphere.

FLOID
Ah yes.

KILNGIRL
I’ll come.
Nothing gets away with scaring me!

FLOID
(shuddering at KILNGIRL’s expression)
You’re so evil.

KILNGIRL
(smiling)
I know.

EXT. – CENTURY HAWK

The hatchway opens and FLOID and KILNGIRL come out, both wearing facemasks attached to little oxygen tanks, but no other equipment. They are holding laser rifles. FLOID suddenly throws himself to the floor, rolls on his side behind a nearby rock, then looks over the top suspiciously and takes aim on a couple of imaginary targets. KILNGIRL shakes her head and just walks normally to the same position.

KILNGIRL
Typical man.

FLOID
(through gritted teeth)
You see anything?

They both stare at the Century Hawk.

KILNGIRL
I don’t – AGH!

Something bright green, with long leathery wings and three eyes, suddenly emerges from under the Century Hawk’s wing and flaps in their faces.

ASB
WI Operation Sealion succeeded?
WI the US conquered Britain in 1776?
WI pre-modern Japan took the East Indies from a united India?

KILNGIRL
WI I shoot you in the head?!

KILNGIRL coolly fires three laser bolts into the ASB’s head and it falls to the floor with a shriek, then vanishes into a puff of green smoke.

KILNGIRL
I hate those things.

FLOID
Look out, here comes another!

ASB 2
WI Africa conquered Europe as in Lion’s Blood
WI Africa conquered Europe as in Lion’s Blood
WI Africa conquered Europe as in Lion’s Blood
WI Africa conquered Europe as in Lion’s Blood
WI Africa conquered Europe as in Li-

Both FLOID and KILNGIRL blast away at it with their rifles, blowing its head off, and continue firing at where it was even after it vanishes.

FLOID
(shrugs)
Some of them are more single-minded than others.

Suddenly the whole cave lurches and we hear a distant groaning noise! FLOID stumbles, KILNGIRL trips and FLOID catches her. She stares at him again, then rights herself.

KILNGIRL
What was that?

FLOID
Dunno.
Hey -

A third ASB has appeared from under the Century Hawk.

ASB 3
WI DoD USA ISOTed 2 HT’s GW TL?
WI TBATG CSA ISOTed 2 OTL 1935?
WI OATWS UK ISOTed 2-

FLOID blasts away at it, hitting and killing it, but some of his bolts miss and hit the cavern wall instead.

The cavern lurches again!

KILNGIRL
What?

FLOID
(puzzled)
Hang on…

FLOID shoots the floor under him and the cavern lurches, accompanied by a distant low-pitched groan. His face pales in realisation.

KILNGIRL
Floid?-

FLOID
(harshly)
Into the ship!
We’ve got to get out of here now!

He hustles the surprised KILNGIRL back into the ship.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

FLOID drops into the pilot’s seat and begins going through the power up sequence.

FLOID
Chewy! We need to get out of here NOW!

KILNGIRL
But the Imps are still out there-

FLOID
Better them than this!
This isn’t a cave, it’s-

We hear another distant growl.

KILNGIRL
(catching on)
It’s alive…

FLOID
(grimly)
It’s an Eopeopsdivad.
A Plausibility Demon.

KILNGIRL
I thought they were just a legend…

FLOID
It feeds on ASBs.
And now we’ve killed its food supply…
(shouted down the corridor)
CHEWY!

CHEWY
(VO)
As ready as we’ll ever be, old chap.

C-LEO
Oh my!

FLOID pulls a lever and the ship lifts off, heading towards the cavern mouth – which begins to CONTRACT! And we see huge, sharp teeth around its edges…

FLOID/KILNGIRL
Aaaaaaaarrrrrggghhh!

EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID

The Century Hawk hurtles out of the cave, bare feet ahead of the snapping teeth of the EOPEOPSDIVAD, a giant slug-like creature which throws its head out of the cavern after them.

EOPEOPSDIVAD
(in slurred, troll-like voice)
Return! Your ship does not meet the requirements
for plausibility, which only I have the authority
to set! Therefore it cannot exist! Come back!

The passing Imperial Thread Destroyer Quoting Wikipedia open up on the Century Hawk, but don’t lead it enough, and the laserfire hits the Eopseopsdivad and destroys it.

EOPEOPSDIVAD
(dying grunt)
It is not plausible to use lasers for ship to ship combat,
therefore I have not just died and…uuurrrghhkkk…

EXT. – SPACE – ASTEROID FIELD

The Century Hawk dives towards the edge of the field, pursued by the Quoting Wikipedia, its Thai fighters, and its Siamese bombers. FLOID’s desperate evasive manoeuvres keep most of the laserfire from hitting them. Adjacent asteroids are constantly blown up by the fire, though.

INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE

MOLOBO rubs his hands together in glee, while in the background lieutenants GEDCA and FENWICK look on disapprovingly.

MOLOBO
Now is my chance to redeem myself!
Be careful with those guns, I need them alive!

GEDCA/FENWICK
Yes, Captain.

MOLOBO
(theatrically cupping a hand to his ear)
Yes, Captain AND…

GEDCA/FENWICK
(reluctantly)
…for Poland.

MOLOBO
Precisely.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

FLOID is still working the yoke so that most of the pursuing fire misses them, but he’s running out of tricks.

FLOID
(sweating)
Got…to…get…out…of…the…field…

KILNGIRL
(pointing at radar)
There’s another two Thread Destroyers
coming around to cut us off!

FLOID
Doesn’t matter.
That’s it! We’re out of the field.
Chewy, hyperlink!

CHEWY
Roger wilco!

He pulls a lever and there is another swanny whistle sound noise.

FLOID
Chewy?!

CHEWY
Bother! It didn’t work!

C-LEO
Then we’re toast!

FLOID
(snarling)
Not the way I’m buttered.

C-LEO
That didn’t even make sense!

FLOID
(ignoring him)
I’ve still got one trick left.

Suddenly, he turns the yoke in a wide arc. The stars spin until they are facing the Quoting Wikipedia again, and FLOID pulls open the throttle to full. They race past the confused Thai fighters and head straight for the ship’s bridge, the startled Imperial gunners not tracking them.

KILNGIRL
THIS is a trick?!

C-LEO
Captain Floid, statistically, the odds of
surviving a direct assault on an
Imperial Thread Destroyer-

FLOID
(through gritted teeth)
Shut up, Polyglot!

INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE

MOLOBO opens his mouth in horror as the Century Hawk grows in the bridge window.

MOLOBO
They’re going to ram us!
Intensify forward firepower!
I –

The Century Hawk hurtles overhead and out of view.

MOLOBO
Tractor them, while they’re in close!

FENWICK
Sir…they’ve vanished from our scopes.

MOLOBO
WHAT?!

FENWICK
But I am picking up a lot of new debris…

MOLOBO
WHAT?!!

GEDCA
You DID say to intensify forward firepower…

MOLOBO sets his jaw, but his eyes have a nervous look in them.

MOLOBO
Right. I’m going to go and see
Lord Gaydar to apologise personally.

Stiffly strutting, MOLOBO leaves. GEDCA pauses for a moment after he’s gone, then high-fives FENWICK.

GEDCA
(grinning)
I get to be captain!
I get to be captain!

FENWICK
And then after YOU screw up,
I get to be captain!

GEDCA stops grinning.

EXT. – SPACE – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA

We see a shuttle emerge from the Quoting Wikipedia’s main hangar bay and fly towards the Overcompensator. We follow the shuttle with the camera, taking in a large part of the Quoting Wikipedia’s superstructure – and then we ‘double take’ back to look at the Quoting Wikipedia –

There, hidden amongst the various protuberances on the back of the bridge tower, fastened to the hull with a grappler, is the Century Hawk.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

FLOID is lying back in his chair, smirking.

FLOID
Like I said, I still had one trick up my sleeve.

KILNGIRL
(shaking her head)
And you dumped those spare parts to
make them think it was debris from us
being destroyed?

FLOID
We nearly damn well were.
No wonder they bought it.

C-LEO
Are you sure they can’t see us here?

FLOID
Their sensors can’t tell the difference between
us and the hull. Not many sensor arrays here
on the back of the garbage hatchway.

C-LEO
What about visually?

FLOID
Why do you ask?

C-LEO points. FLOID follows his gaze and curses to see that there’s a whole observation lounge on the back of the bridge tower, with many officers sitting down at dining tables, all of whom have just dropped their forks and are staring at them.

FLOID
Dammit!
That wasn’t there on the Mark One ITD!

KILNGIRL
What are you going to do about it?

FLOID
Chewy?
Project those naked pictures of the Emperor
I got for blackmail purposes onto the outer hull.

CHEWY
If you say so…

He hits a switch and we vaguely see a TV-screen type projection on the hull of the Century Hawk. The Imperials in the lounge stare at them, let out screams, then grab their forks off their tables and begin stabbing themselves in the eyes with them.

FLOID
(satisfied)
No more visual evidence.

KILNGIRL shakes her head in disbelief.

INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE

Focus on MOLOBO’s face as, with bulging eyes, he collapses to the floor. GAYDAR looks dispassionately at the body, lowering his hand.

GAYDAR
Apology accepted, Captain Molobo.

GAYDAR turns to find DIAMOND standing there, looking scornfully at a group of bounty hunters with mismatched equipment standing on the bridge. They include: BULGA ROKTONOS, wearing ManDeLorean battle armour; BENEDICT-17, in a futuristic Swiss Guard uniform with an electrified halberd; and LEEJ, a reptilian alien wearing a strange suit of space armour with black and white vertical stripes. All of them are holding a variety of very large guns.

DIAMOND
Bounty hunters. We don’t need their scum.

GAYDAR
I will be the judge of that, Admiral Diamond.
Captain Molobo failed to bring in the Century Hawk,
so I must resort to other measures.

DIAMOND
But he said the ship was destroyed.

GAYDAR
The Innuendo never lies.
Perhaps they cloaked, or managed to hyperlink away,
but they remain alive. I can feel them.
(intensely)
And I shall POSSESS them!

DIAMOND gulps and rolls his eyes as GAYDAR turns to the bounty hunters.

GAYDAR
A substantial reward for whoever recovers the
Century Hawk and her crew – INTACT.
And no killing each other on my time, either.

The bounty hunters look at each other, a bit disappointed.

BULGA ROKTONOS
Understood.

BENEDICT-17
As you wish.

LEEJ
Why aye, man!

The bounty hunters turn and leave, barging into each other on purpose as they do. GAYDAR sighs.

EXT. – GAY-O-BAR

We see a montage of scenes of KITJED23 training LUAKEL:

…

LUAKEL is jogging up and down the bleak concrete streets in his flightsuit, with KITJED23 on his back wearing a serene expression.

KITJED23
Do not fight it.
Feel the Innuendo FLOW through you!

LUAKEL
Oh, that’s the Innuendo is it?
I wondered…

KITJED23
You are learning, boyo.

…

LUAKEL is juggling a collection of brightly coloured rubber balls, frowning with concentration. KITJED23 watches on, his expression considering and critical. LUAKEL suddenly loses concentration and drops two of them to the floor, where they bounce away.

LUAKEL
Dang it! I knew my balls were
going to drop one of these days,
but I didn’t think they’d hit the ground!

KITJED23
(writing in a notebook)
Need to be less blatant,
but a nice recovery.

…

LUAKEL is talking with KITJED23 over a makeshift campfire, while trying to keep his Sexsword blade powered and rigid.

LUAKEL
But I’m worried, Master.
Doctor-What told me my father fell
to the Straight Side.
How shall I know it?

KITJED23
You will know, look you.
A true Kitjedi uses the Innuendo for
sleazy forum jokes and flirting with male strippers,
NEVER for a laugh with your mates down at the pub.

LUAKEL
Is the Straight Side stronger?

KITJED23
Stronger? No.
Quicker, easier, more…seductive? Yes.

LUAKEL bites his lip, looking uncertain. KITJED23 adopts a decisive expression and gets to his feet, then points to a door across the deserted street.

KITJED23
Do you see this?

LUAKEL
Yeah…

The door is topped with a flickering neon sign saying "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS SEX SEX SEX".

LUAKEL
It feels…wrong.

KITJED23
(nodding)
This place is strong with the Straight Side.
In it you must go. Then you will understand.

LUAKEL
(shivering)
What’s in it?

KITJED23
Only what you bring with you.

LUAKEL nods, picks up his Sexsword, walks towards the door.

KITJED23
You won’t need your weapon.

LUAKEL gives him a long look, then shakes his head and continues onward. KITJED23 sighs.

INT. – GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS SEX SEX SEX CLUB

It is dark and mysterious inside. LUAKEL walks around anxiously for a bit, then powers on his Sexsword and uses the glow to look. He finds the base of a metal pole, follows it up, then leaps back with a cry of alarm when he finds the skeleton of a long dead pole dancer still wrapped around it. He backs away towards a wall, then frowns: the wall seems to have vanished. The whole place has become a huge, dark, vague cavern.

LUAKEL is about to open his mouth, but then he hears a snap-hiss and spins around.

There, wielding a green Sexsword, is DARTH GAYDAR!

GAYDAR slashes at LUAKEL with his Sexsword, but LUAKEL manages to block it. They exchange blows for a few moments, and then LUAKEL, his anger building, manages to drive a slash through. He decapitates GAYDAR!

The helmet bounces to the floor and lies there. Then the faceplate explodes to reveal behind it…

A hand giving him the finger.

LUAKEL stares at his Sexsword in horror: it has turned green, evil.

LUAKEL screams.

EXT. – GAY-O-BAR

KITJED23 hears the scream and nods grimly to himself.

…

Much later, KITJED23 and LUAKEL are both sitting in the sewage plant, tossing chunks of concrete from one to the other, and practicing levitating them.

LUAKEL
I think I’m getting the hang of this.

KITJED23
Ah?

LUAKEL
Sorry – I meant,
"I think I’m getting a handle on this."

KITJED23
Better, look you.

PAULSPRING-D2 suddenly trundles around one of the vats, looking anxious.

PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bleep bleeble bleep bleep!

LUAKEL
WHAT?!

LUAKEL scrambles up the side of the vat – KITJED23 joins him – and we see that his Sex-Wing is sinking into the vat.

LUAKEL
Oh no!
Now I’ll never get it out!

PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeep bleep bleep!
(projecting the words)
Don’t be such a pessimist!

KITJED23
Your little political friend is right for once.
It cannot be done? Truly?

LUAKEL
I’ll…have a go.

KITJED23
Do not have a go!
This is not BBC regional news!
Just do it!

LUAKEL nods, stretches out an arm, closes his eyes, sweats with the effort.

LUAKEL
(in falsetto voice)
Ooh…look at how the big long hard thing
rises out of the pool of sticky liquid…

The Sex-Wing slowly begins to rise, a little, but then collapses back into the vat. LUAKEL falls to his knees, exhausted.

LUAKEL
I can’t do it, it’s too big.

KITJED23
Hah! Size matters not!
(a pause)
Girth, on the other hand…

LUAKEL
I can’t do it!

KITJED23
No you cannot.
But the Innuendo can.

KITJED23 stretches out a hand and, with one swift movement, the Sex-Wing comes flying out of the tank and lands softly on the concrete floor. LUAKEL’s eyes widen.

LUAKEL
I…I don’t believe it…

KITJED23
If I wanted Victor Meldrew as an apprentice,
I’d have put that in the bloody application form!

~~~

EXT. – SPACE – IMPERIAL FLEET

As before. The three remaining Thread Destroyers and the Overcompensator drift through space near the asteroid field.

Cut to a view of the back of the Quoting Wikipedia’s bridge tower: the Century Hawk is still there.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

The crew are looking anxious.

KILNGIRL
Now what?

CHEWY
If they follow standard Imperial
procedure, they’ll dump their
rubbish before they leave.

FLOID
(breezily)
And we just float away with it.

KILNGIRL
Oh, joy.

C-LEO studies the radar screen.

C-LEO
I say! Captain Floid!
The fleet is beginning to break up!

FLOID
Good. That’s our signal.
Prepare to disengage landing claw, Chewy.

CHEWY nods and walks into the back of the cockpit, C-LEO following him.

KILNGIRL
So what’s our next move?

FLOID
I’ll have to find a nearby system
we can reach to get some repairs.

KILNGIRL
But without FTL, it’d take years to
reach another star system!

FLOID
Dammit woman, if it never occurred to
Lucas in the original, I’m not going to
let it bother me in the spoof!

KILNGIRL
Oh, very well.

FLOID studies a map.

FLOID
Now…this is interesting…
Domino…

KILNGIRL
The Domino system?

FLOID
(shaking his head)
Domino’s not a system, he’s a man.
Domino Novussian.
He’s a bit of a ladies’ man…
(winks at her)
Though not in my league, obviously.

KILNGIRL
(laughing)
Typical man.
(seriously)
What’s the planet?

FLOID
Gaspin’. It’s a gas mining colony.
Domino flirted his way into ownership.

KILNGIRL
Can you trust him?

FLOID
You kidding?
But he won’t sell us out to the Imps,
there’s no money in it.

CHEWY
(VO)
Here we go, old chaps!

EXT. – SPACE – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA

The Quoting Wikipedia opens its garbage hatch and dumps various chunks of metal; the Century Hawk detaches and drifts away with them.

In the background, the four Imperial ships zoom into cyberspace.

After they have gone, the Century Hawk powers up again and flies away from the debris at full sublight speed, towards a bright star.

And then…from amongst the debris, ANOTHER ship appears. It’s shaped like a donkey’s head and is studded with weaponry. This is the FIRST SERVANT, BULGA ROKTONOS’ ship.

INT. – FIRST SERVANT – COCKPIT

BULGA ROKTONOS, still in his full ManDeLorean armour, sits in a cramped pilot’s chair and directs his unseen glare on a HUD image of the Century Hawk.

BULGA ROKTONOS
Easiest grand I ever made.
(sighs to himself)
This takes me back to old
family trips with my dad…
Picnics, murdering Kitjedi…
Happy times.

BULGA ROKTONOS shakes his head and goes back to the pursuit.

EXT. – GAY-O-BAR

LUAKEL is sitting in the middle of one of the desolate streets in a Buddha like pose, with his eyes closed and legs crossed, and is biting his lip in concentration. Around him, dozens of chunks of concrete and condom dispenser machines rotate, almost as though he is juggling using only telekinetic power. KITJED23 looks on, nodding slowly to himself. PAULSPRING-D2 stands beside him.

KITJED23
You have learned much,
indeed to gootness you have, boyo.
But you must push further still.

LUAKEL nods and makes a small gesture. PAULSPRING-D2 rises into the air, bleepling in alarm, and joins the chunks of concrete and condom dispensers in their orbit around LUAKEL.

Then LUAKEL lets out a cry of alarm, raises his hands to his face, and all the objects crash to the floor.

PAULSPRING-D2
(angrily)
Bloo blaa bleep!
(he projects the words)
"Damn you! I’ve run out of health insurance
and I’m sure not going to countenance a
national health service, that’d be like
betraying our nation to communism!"

KITJED23
(concerned)
Luak? What is it, Luak?

LUAKEL
(incoherently)
I saw…I saw Floid and Kilngirl!
A city in the clouds.
They were being…tortured…

KITJED23
You were seeing the future, boyo.

LUAKEL
The future?
(softly)
They’ll die?

KITJED23
(shaking in head)
Nothing is certain.
The future is not predestined.

LUAKEL
I’ve got to go, help them!

KITJED23
(shaking his head)
Can you help them now?
Perhaps if you stay, finish your training-

LUAKEL
It could be too late by then!

KITJED23
What if you rescued them,
but destroyed everything they
had fought for in the process?

LUAKEL
(angrily)
I won’t do that!

KITJED23
Can you be certain?

LUAKEL turns angrily and stumps off in the direction of the building where his Sex-Wing is parked. PAULSPRING-D2 (wobbling a bit from his fall) follows him. KITJED23 sighs.

Then LUAKEL pauses and turns around.

LUAKEL
By the way…what happened to
this planet, anyway?

KITJED23
You know how the conservative lobby
always says that if they legalised same
sex partnerships, civilisation would collapse?

LUAKEL
Yeah?

KITJED23
(looking at his feet)
Umm…well…in this one isolated case…
kind of turns out they were right…

PAULSPRING-D2
(smugly)
Blie blold bloo blow!

LUAKEL shakes his head in despair and resumes his trek to his Sex-Wing. KITJED23 turns and appears to address the empty air.

KITJED23
(pessimistically)
We shall lose him, as we lost his father.
In the Girls Girls Girls Sex Sex Sex bar,
he failed. He turned to anger.

DOCTOR WHAT’S SPOOKY VOICE
He should have completed his training…

KITJED23
(impatiently)
Oh, come out from there!

DOCTOR WHAT, looking a bit embarrassed, steps out from behind the brick wall he was hiding behind. He is holding his Acme Spooky Sounding Microphone and is now dressed in a Wonder Woman costume. KITJED23 looks him up and down, a variety of expressions crossing his face.

KITJED23
Um…what possible situation
would you need that disguise for?

DOCTOR WHAT
Wha? Oh – yes –
A disguise. That’s what this is. Yes.

KITJED23
(shaking his head)
But the boy is lost to us.

DOCTOR WHAT
Perhaps. Perhaps not.

KITJED23
He was our last hope.

DOCTOR WHAT
No. There is another.

KITJED23
When are you planning on telling him?

DOCTOR WHAT
I know, I want to see the Freudian
psychological damage too!

KITJED23
You’re sick.

They both stare into the sky as, in the distance, we see the Sex-Wing taking off and rising into the air.

~~~

EXT. – SPACE – GASPIN’

The planet Gaspin’, a gas giant not unlike Jupiter, looms against a starry background. The Century Hawk swoops into the picture and descends into the milky atmosphere.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

The creamy clouds hurtle past the cockpit windows and the ship shakes from the friction.

Inside the cockpit, we see hundreds of cobwebs all over the place, and all the characters are asleep and have grown long white beards. Including KILNGIRL. FLOID wakes up with a start.

FLOID
(groaning)
Ah? We’re here at last.

CHEWY
Electric razor, anyone?

KILNGIRL
You’re a saviour.

EXT. – GASPIN’

The Century Hawk plunges deeper into the atmosphere. We see the vague shapes of strange, jellyfish-like creatures as they drift past. A cloudcar emerges, shaped like two Minis with jet engines attached to a giant spar linking them. Through the twin cockpits, we vaguely see the two pilots: REVEILLED and TUCKER DWYNN.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

Obviously some time has passed. Everyone has shaved off their beards, FLOID, looking frustrated, is talking into a microphone.

FLOID
No, I don’t have a landing permit.
I’m trying to reach Domino Novussian.

Sparks fly as laser bolts flash past, a few of them hitting the ship.

C-LEO
Oh my!

KILNGIRL
Touchy people.

FLOID
Hey! Let me explain!

REVEILLED
(over radio)
You will not deviate from your present course.

TUCKER DWYNN
(over radio)
If you do, the consequences would be…unfortunate.

FLOID
Sheesh! Acknowledged.

INT. – CLOUDCAR

REVEILLED
It had better be.

TUCKER DWYNN
I have an itchy trigger finger.

REVEILLED
What, still?
I thought I gave you some
cream for that…

TUCKER DWYNN
Shutup.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

KILNGIRL
I thought you knew this
Novussian guy.

CHEWY
I say, Floid old man, you’re not
perhaps neglecting the incident at-

FLOID
(hurriedly)
That was a long time ago, I’m
sure he’s forgiven me for that.

KILNGIRL
What did you do?
Steal his girlfriend?

FLOID
Umm…
Kind of…

The clouds part and they see something beyond: a massive, silvery structure somehow hovering in the creamy atmosphere. It’s shaped like a giant golf tee.

FLOID
(grandly)
Behold the Golf Tee!

EXT. – GASPIN’

The Century Hawk flies over the top of the Golf Tee, revealing that it’s covered with city blocks. Some people stop and point up at the ship. The Century Hawk begins to descend towards a landing pad.

Behind it, the cloudcar flies off. We cut to the cloudcar’s point of view. A tall, slim building blocks their flight path.

REVEILLED
(VO)
Let’s go left.

TUCKER DWYNN
No, let’s go right.

REVEILLED
Left.

TUCKER DWYNN
Right.

The building looms up closer.

REVEILLED
Okay, right!

(simultaneously)

TUCKER DWYNN
Okay, left!

They both pull on their control yokes, in opposite directions. We hear a loud ‘BANG’ and the cloudcar breaks in half, each Mini flying on an opposite side of the building.

REVEILLED/TUCKER DWYNN
Dammit! I knew there was a design
fault somewhere there…

EXT. – GOLF TEE – LANDING PAD

The crew have left the ship and are standing at the bottom of the landing ramp. FLOID is looking up at the cloudcar’s adventures and shakes his head in disbelief.

FLOID
Well, we’re here, anyway.

KILNGIRL
So where’s this friend of yours?

The door at the end of the landing pad opens and a figure emerges, flanked by two guards. He has a suave expression on his face and wears expensive, debonair clothes. This is DOMINO NOVUSSIAN (aka DOMINUSNOVUS).

DOMINUSNOVUS
(angrily, to FLOID)
Why, you little shred of diseased
bodily matter! You’ve got a nerve
coming here after what you did!

FLOID
I said I was sorry!

DOMINUSNOVUS stares at him for a moment, then his mock anger dissolves and he hugs FLOID.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(laughing)
How you doin’, you old
spacedog? Haven’t heard
from you in years!

FLOID’s expression turns to relief.

FLOID
Oh you know, bit of this, bit of that…

DOMINUSNOVUS
Sure.

The group turns to leave through the door, but find their path blocked by an African-American wearing dreadlocks and carrying a huge protest sign. It’s MEJ.

MEJ
Typical of you white racist scum!
You’ve only gone and taken out the
only black character in the original
trilogy and replaced him with this
subhuman WASP!
(indicates DOMINUSNOVUS)
Why can’t you be even-handed
towards people of all colours, like I am?!

DOMINUSNOVUS
(rolling his eyes)
But I thought you protested the original
because the black character betrayed them.

MEJ
Well…yeah…but…that’s not the point!!

KILNGIRL
(pointing downwards)
Hey, is that a free sale of Star Trek
uniforms down there?

MEJ
(keenly interested)
What?!

He dives off the platform and, of course, falls into the cloudy abyss.

MEJ
(dopplering away)
White…devil…woman!

KILNGIRL
(smirking)
Typical man.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(grinning)
I like you already.

He kneels debonairly (is that a word?) and kisses KILNGIRL’s hand. KILNGIRL blushes and FLOID looks a bit jealous.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Come on. I’ll see about fixing
you up some accommodations.

They leave through the door.

INT. – GOLFTEE – ARCADE

The interior of the huge Golftee is divided into complex, futuristic, 3D city blocks. The bustle of it almost overwhelms them. They walk along one floating passageway and continue talking.

DOMINUSNOVUS
So what are you here for?

FLOID
Repairs.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(mock horror)
What have you done to my ship?

KILNGIRL
Your ship??

DOMINUSNOVUS
(nodding)
My fair Katie, as she was…
(looks wistful)

FLOID
Hey, I won her from you fair
and square in that game of
wankbiscuiting!

DOMINUSNOVUS
(shuddering)
Don’t remind me.

They reach a doorway and DOMINUSNOVUS points to it.

DOMINUSNOVUS
You can stay here.
I’ll get my repair teams to look at my – er
(winks)
your ship.

FLOID
We can’t pay you until-

DOMINUSNOVUS
No charge for an old friend.

FLOID
(laughing)
You’re getting soft in your old age.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(leering at KILNGIRL)
I think not. But don’t take my word for it, sweetie.

He kisses her hand again, sweeps his cape dramatically around him, and leaves. KILNGIRL looks half-outraged, half-flattered.

KILNGIRL
(giggling slightly)
Typical man.

FLOID mutters to himself and opens the door. KILNGIRL and CHEWY enter behind him, but C-LEO pauses, looking at one of the display panels nearby; the others don’t notice he’s gone.

C-LEO
How intriguing, seems to be a dialect
of Upper Voltaic, but written in the
Third Coptic script…

C-LEO walks further along, apparently losing himself in the languages, then shakes his head.

C-LEO
Oh dear! Now which was our room again?

He selects an identical-looking (but wrong) door and walks through it.

C-LEO
(VO)
Oh my! I didn’t mean to intrude –
I say, what are you doing with that –
AAAARRRGGGHHH!

EXT. – GOLFTEE – WINDOW OF THEIR QUARTERS

We see KILNGIRL pacing back and forth inside their quarters, while outside, more twin-Mini cloudcars fly past. Fade through the window to find:

INT. – QUARTERS

FLOID
(reassuringly)
Look, I’ve just had a call about
the ship. Hyperlink drive’s almost mended.

KILNGIRL
(shaking her head)
There’s something not right here.
What happened to C-Leo?

FLOID
Domino says he’s got people looking
for him. Who knows what trouble that
political could get himself into…

KILNGIRL
(decisively)
I don’t trust Domino.

FLOID
Nor do I.
But we’ll soon be away.

KILNGIRL stops and looks him dead in the eye.

KILNGIRL
We? Or you?

FLOID looks away, embarrassed.

INT. – PUNDIT RECYCLING ROOM

An industrial hell. A giant conveyor belt is heading towards a huge tub filled with molten…something. On the belt are old worn-out politicals, some still parroting their views on Watergate or Roe vs. Wade. They are being tipped into the molten mixture, and then from the other end, we can see the liquid being solidified into new politicals, who immediately begin parroting their views on the Supreme Court nominations and, er, Roe vs. Wade. The conveyor belt is fed by a group of AUSTRALIANS, who as we watch, toss the unconscious C-LEO on the belt.

MICHAEL
Bonza!

SCARECROW
Too right, mate!

MAYHEM
Look out!

CHEWY enters the room, snarling, and spots C-LEO on the belt. He takes a threatening step towards the AUSTRALIANS.

MAYHEM
You want him, chum?
You gotta play for him!

MAYHEM picks up C-LEO. CHEWY walks toward him, but MAYHEM tosses C-LEO to MICHAEL. CHEWY snarls and pulls out his cricket bat.

CHEWY
I’ll repeat the Ashes on your arses!

MICHAEL
Oo, we’re scared, yer dinky doo galah!

CHEWY steps toward MICHAEL, but MICHAEL tosses C-LEO to SCARECROW.

SCARECROW
Come on, yer big Pom!

C-LEO
(waking up)
Oh my!

CHEWY meaningfully beat his cricket bat into his other hand.

CHEWY
Bowl!

SCARECROW tosses C-LEO back to MAYHEM, but CHEWY steps into intercept and wallops C-LEO with his cricket bat. C-LEO, screaming, goes flying out of the door and out of the room.

MAYHEM
Yer cheating Pommie bastard!

CHEWY
Come here, you disgusting little convict!

INT. – OUTSIDE THE PUNDIT RECYCLING ROOM

C-LEO looks drunkenly up to see the room shaking from side to side and dust puffing out of the door as CHEWY fights with the three Australians. C-LEO shakes his head.

C-LEO
Commonwealthers.

INT. – QUARTERS

KILNGIRL and FLOID are still talking as CHEWY – looking somewhat bruised – comes in holding the semi-conscious C-LEO, who he dumps on a sofa.

FLOID
He’s been in the wars!

CHEWY
Ended up on a recycling line, old chap.
Can’t seem to remember how he got there, though.

C-LEO
I shall find the relevant statistics immediately!

FLOID
(sighing)
Okay, you saved him.
Don’t make me regret it.

The door slides open again and reveals DOMINUSNOVUS

DOMINUSNOVUS
Am I interrupting?-
(looks at C-LEO)
Having trouble with your political?

CHEWY
Nothing a little vitriol won’t fix.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Then won’t you join me for
a little refreshment?

FLOID looks at KILNGIRL.

KILNGIRL
(suspiciously)
All right.

INT. – CORRIDOR

Another view of the hugely complex urban interior of the Golftee. FLOID, KILNGIRL and DOMINUSNOVUS are walking along and talking, while CHEWY hangs back a bit.

DOMINUSNOVUS
…so out here, we’re technically not
in the Empire’s jurisdiction.

KILNGIRL
"Technically" won’t save you from
Emperor Reaper’s mob.

FLOID
Aren’t you afraid the Empire
will discover you?

DOMINUSNOVUS
A little. But I’ve just made
a deal that’ll keep the Empire
out of my hair forever.

DOMINUSNOVUS gestures to a door, which opens, and the others go in.

INT. – DINING ROOM

Seated at the head of the table is DARTH GAYDAR, while standing behind him and looking composed is BULGA ROKTONOS in his ManDeLorean armour.

The surprise barely has time to form on FLOID’s face before he quick-draws his laser pistol and blazes away at GAYDAR. GAYDAR raises his gauntlets and deflects all the bolts from his wrists, Wonder Woman style; two of them slam into BULGA ROKTONOS’ armour and do not penetrate, barely leaving scorch marks. BULGA ROKTONOS looks down at them contemptuously.

GAYDAR snaps his fingers and FLOID’s gun is plucked from his hand, ending up in GAYDAR’s.

FLOID
Hey!!
That worked when I was Indiana Jones!!

GAYDAR
I am not some posing tribesman with a sword, Captain Floid.
(he studies the gun)
Hmm. ’Effing FamousecreT. Not a bad addition to my gun collection…
(he seems to consider it, then shakes his helmeted head)
Or perhaps not.

GAYDAR easily breaks the gun to pieces in his gauntleted hands. FLOID stares in horror.

FLOID
I’ve had that gun for years!

GAYDAR
You shall not live very long without it,
I assure you.
Now…
why not join us for tea?

FLOID spins and stares at DOMINUSNOVUS accusingly.

FLOID
Domino…

DOMINUSNOVUS
(handwashing gesture)
They arrived just before you did.
I’m sorry. I had no choice.

FLOID
There’s always a choice…

~~~

EXT. – GASPIN’

LUAKEL’S SEX-WING emerges from a cloud bank and heads towards the Golftee.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING

LUAKEL is grim-faced. PAULSPRING-D2 is beeping away and words scroll across the screen:

I HOPE THAT PANSY LIBERAL IS OK, HE STILL HASN’T RESPONDED TO MY COUNTER-STATISTICS ON TEEN PREGANCY IN RED STATES!

LUAKEL
Don’t worry, PaulSpring. We’re almost there.

INT. – GOLFTEE – PRISON CELL.

CHEWY is locked inside the cell, looking fed up. The still recovering C-LEO is lying on the floor before him. CHEWY frowns, pulls out a bottle labelled ‘Smelling Salts’, waves it under C-LEO’s nose. No reaction. CHEWY shrugs, pulls out his cricket bat and wallops C-LEO over the head instead.

C-LEO
(in a sudden rush)
Oh!
atlm wh awh yhwtya ahlaw ahla twl awh yhwtya atlm whw atlm awh yhwtya tyšrb ahla twl tyšrb awh yhwtya anh awhd mdm twh adh alpa yhwdelbw awh hdyab lk…

CHEWY
Be quiet, old chap.

C-LEO
(to himself)
I say – what?!
Porntroopers here!
I must warn Captain Floid –
aah – I’ve been shot!

CHEWY
You picked a fine time to remember, old man.

CHEWY sighs and stares at the door to the cell, a Porntrooper standing at ease on either side.

INT. – GOLFTEE – TORTURE CHAMBER

FLOID is restrained by a pair of Porntroopers, giving DARTH GAYDAR and DOMINUSNOVUS dirty looks. BULGA ROKTONOS is also present. As we watch, another Porntrooper wheels in a giant vertical torture rack covered with chains, belts, and other restraints, with hooks on either side that are holding various serrated blades, whips and crops. Even FLOID turns white at the sight. GAYDAR turns.

GAYDAR
(angrily)
Not yet! I said send it to my quarters!
Business before pleasure!

PORNTROOPERS
Sorry, my lord.

GAYDAR grumbles as the Porntroopers take the rack away. FLOID and DOMINUSNOVUS stare at him in horror. More Porntroopers file in, wheeling in what looks like a battered old armchair.

GAYDAR
And now for the torture.
Place him in the Comfy Chair!

The Porntroopers strap FLOID into the armchair.

GAYDAR
Earplugs in!
(the others comply)
And now, prepare to face the ultimate torture:
Now That’s What I Call Karaoke 41:
Thande Sings Chris de Burgh’s Greatest Hits!

FLOID
Noooooo!!!

THANDE
(VO)
I heard that…

The music blares out for a few moments, FLOID thrashing in his chair, and blood spurts in twin streams from his ears. He collapses into merciful unconsciousness.

GAYDAR
That will do as a start.

PORNTROOPER
What?

GAYDAR
Oh – yes – remove earplugs!

PORNTROOPER
What?

GAYDAR sighs.

BULGA ROKTONOS
Floid’s no good to me dead, Lord Gaydar.

GAYDAR
He will not be permanently damaged.
(looks at FLOID critically)
Probably.

DOMINUSNOVUS
What will happen to Chewy and Kilngirl?

GAYDAR
(dismissively)
They must never leave the Golftee.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(angrily)
That was never a condition of our deal, Lord Gaydar!
Nor was handing Floid over to this bounty hunter!

GAYDAR
(turning, threateningly, to DOMINUSNOVUS)
Perhaps you would prefer it if I left a garrison
here to ensure that they remain in place.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(sullenly)
No.

GAYDAR
(icily)
Very well.

GAYDAR sweeps his cloak dramatically and strides out. DOMINUSNOVUS avoids the almost accusing blank stare of the unconscious FLOID.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(in a mutter)
Some deal.

INT. – GOLFTEE – PRISON CELL

As before. C-LEO is still babbling away in Aramaic. CHEWY looks up anxiously as FLOID – now barely conscious – is thrown back into the cell. CHEWY catches him. Seconds later, KILNGIRL, also looking a bit damaged, is thrown into the cell. CHEWY effortlessly catches her with his other hand.

FLOID
(in a groan)
Thanks Chewy.

CHEWY
You look like you’ve been in the wars, old friend.

KILNGIRL
We both have.

FLOID
(puzzled)
They never even asked me any questions.

KILNGIRL
What was the purpose of it all…?

The cell door slides open again and DOMINUSNOVUS, plus two of his Golftee guards, enters. He looks around nervously as though he’s being watched.

KILNGIRL
(icily)
Domino.

FLOID
(turning away)
Get out of here, traitor.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(urgently)
Shut up and listen!
Gaydar has agreed to turn Kilngirl
and Chewy over to me.

KILNGIRL
Oh really?

DOMINUSNOVUS
They’ll have to stay here, but
at least they’ll be safe.

KILNGIRL
What about Floid?

DOMINUSNOVUS
(hesitating)
Gaydar’s giving him to Roktonos.

FLOID
(in a grunt)
Gaydar wants us all dead. Including you.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(shaking his head)
He’s not after any of you.
He wants someone called Slywanker.

FLOID
Luak?

DOMINUSNOVUS
Gaydar’s set a trap for him.

KILNGIRL
(catching on)
And we’re the bait.

DOMINUSNOVUS
He’s on his way.

FLOID
(spitting)
Well that’s just perfect!
Some friend!

FLOID rises, despite his injuries, and attempts to sock DOMINUSNOVUS on the nose. DOMINUSNOVUS blocks him and they struggle for a moment, then DOMINUSNOVUS breaks free, with the sound of his cape tearing.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(panting)
I did all I could. But I had to
look out for myself. I’m sorry.

FLOID
Some friend.

DOMINUSNOVUS exits with his guards.

KILNGIRL
Have you ever thought of going on
one of those relate to people courses?

FLOID
I think I’d rather be handed over to Roktonos.

CHEWY
I don’t think you have a choice, old friend.

A pervasive atmosphere of gloom descends in the silence, broken only by:

C-LEO
htwdhs yh aryršd nnh nyedyw nyna btk paw nyhlk nylh le dhsad adymlt wnh
rbsd kya amle wh al pa ywh nbtktm adh adh wlad nylya ewšy dbed ataygs atynrha pa nyd tya wwh nybtktmd abtkl awh qps ana-

ALL
SHUT UP, POLYGLOT!

INT. – GOLFTEE – FREEZING CHAMBER

A huge industrial complex. In the centre is a giant cylindrical pit with steam coming out of it; there are many machines surrounding it, covered with pipes that leak noxious fumes. GAYDAR stands to one side and surveys it, DOMINUSNOVUS and BULGA ROKTONOS beside him. The Porntroopers are operating the controls.

GAYDAR
Crude, but it should freeze Slywanker
safely for his journey to the Emperor.

A PORNTROOPER approaches GAYDAR.

PORNTROOPER
Sir, ship approaching.
Sex-Wing class.

GAYDAR
Exxxcellent.
Monitor him and allow him to land.

The Porntrooper salutes and leaves. DOMINUSNOVUS’ face shows dismay and he speaks up.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Lord Gaydar, we only use this freezing
facility for making frappacinos!
If you put Slywanker in there, it might kill him!

GAYDAR
(stroking his helmeted chin)
A very good point.
(waves a finger decisively)
We must test it.
On Captain Floid.

BULGA ROKTONOS and DOMINUSNOVUS both look horrified, albeit for different reasons.

BULGA ROKTONOS
My lord, if the prisoner is damaged-

GAYDAR
(carelessly)
You will be compensated in full.

DOMINUSNOVUS
I-

GAYDAR
Be silent, unless you would rather the
test subject be yourself.

DOMINUSNOVUS bites his lip and shuts up.

EXT. – GASPIN’ – GOLFTEE

LUAKEL’S SEX-WING comes into land at an empty landing pad.

INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING

LUAKEL looks in surprise at the deserted facility, then shrugs and pops his canopy. PAULSPRING-D2 warbles in a worried-sounding way.

INT. – GOLFTEE – FREEZING CHAMBER

CHEWY, FLOID, KILNGIRL and C-LEO are dragged in by PORNTROOPERS. FLOID turns to the worried-looking DOMINUSNOVUS.

FLOID
What’s going on?
(spits)
My friend?

DOMINUSNOVUS
They’re going to freeze you in frappacino.

FLOID
Is that allowed?

KILNGIRL bursts into tears. CHEWY moves over and comforts her.

KILNGIRL
You – you…

FLOID
(surprised)
I didn’t know you cared so much for me-

KILNGIRL
(crying)
I – don’t – it’s – just – I
always – wanted – to – be – frozen
in – bubbly – chocolate!

FLOID
(jaw drops)
You’re so evil.

KILNGIRL
(smiling through sadness)
I know.

GAYDAR
(to PORNTROOPERS)
Put him in.

They drag FLOID away to the brink of the pit. CHEWY tries to break away, but is restrained by more PORNTROOPERS. FLOID turns at the brink.

FLOID
Chewy! Look after the Princess for me!

CHEWY
(sadly)
Roger wilco.

KILNGIRL
(shaking her head)
Typical men.

GAYDAR
Now!

The PORNTROOPERS toss FLOID into the pit and a huge cloud of brown steam emerges. FLOID screams, the scream abruptly cut off. KILNGIRL and CHEWY hug each other, and even C-LEO seems moved.

C-LEO
(quietly)
Kyrie eleison.

The steam finally clears. Two PORNTROOPERS work cranes and pull something out from the pit.

It’s a giant milkshake glass filled with frozen hot chocolate, and buried in the middle – his face still distorted into the expression of a scream – is the frozen FLOID. KILNGIRL turns away with a shudder. BULGA ROKTONOS suspiciously runs a scanner over it, then nods.

BULGA ROKTONOS
(grudgingly)
He’s alive and stable.

GAYDAR
Good. He’s all yours.
(to PORNTROOPERS)
Now reset the chamber for Slywanker.

A PORNTROOPER
He’s just landed, sir.

GAYDAR
See that he makes his way here.

PORNTROOPER
Yes, my lord.

GAYDAR
(turns to DOMINUSNOVUS)
Novussian, you take the Princess and
the Bangladeshi to my ship.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(outraged)
You said they’d be left with me!

GAYDAR
I have made a few changes to the deal.
(deadly)
Any more insolence and I shall make a few more.

DOMINUSNOVUS bites his lip and turns to KILNGIRL, CHEWY and C-LEO as warring emotions cross his face.

~~~

INT. – GOLFTEE – CORRIDOR

LUAKEL is walking uncertainly down an arcade corridor. It’s just like the ones we saw before, but totally deserted: the formerly bustling areas are entirely silent. PAULSPRING-D2 trundles along behind him, making more worried-sounding warbles.

LUAKEL
I don’t like it either, PaulSpring.

LUAKEL hears a noise and whips around, drawing his Sexsword. The pink energy lance flops out of the end, then stiffens to a straight blade as he visibly concentrates.

He sees two doors open ahead and two groups of people emerge – from one, BULGA ROKTONOS, four Porntroopers, and the frozen milkshake glass containing FLOID; from the other, KILNGIRL, CHEWY, C-LEO, DOMINUSNOVUS, and more Porntroopers.

LUAKEL looks from one group to the other in agonised decision. The Porntroopers with BULGA ROKTONOS spot him and open fire.

LUAKEL
(setting his jaw)
I think not.

Displaying unprecedented skill, LUAKEL deflects their laser bolts off his Sexsword and reflects them into the Porntroopers who fired them. Two Porntroopers fall dead, smoking holes in their chests. The other two are about to fire, but BULGA ROKTONOS arrogantly shoves them aside.

BULGA ROKTONOS
Let me handle this.
Me, and my arsenal!

LUAKEL watches in horror as – camera zooms in – BULGA ROKTONOS pushes a button on the arm of his ManDeLorean armour. A large built-in laser cannon clicks out of the arm.

Then BULGA ROKTONOS pushes another button on his other arm and a missile launcher appears.

He pushes a button at his neck and a huge Metalstorm array somehow shoots out of his neck.

He pushes a button at the centre of his chest and a giant death ray projector dish emerges, protruding forward.

He pushes buttons on his legs and two long chainsaw blades click out, pointing outwards from his knees, and start up with an ominous whirr.

Camera pulls back to reveal BULGA ROKTONOS posing with this giant assortment of weaponry jutting forward out of the front of his armour.

BULGA ROKTONOS
Beat that!

LUAKEL
(thoughtfully)
Size matters not.

LUAKEL makes a tiny gesture and BULGA ROKTONOS rocks slightly forward on his feet. That is enough for his enormously heavy arsenal to overbalance him. He falls flat on his face, half of the sensitive weaponry breaking or blowing up in his face.

BULGA ROKTONOS
(muffled)
Dammit!

The two Porntroopers pull him to his feet and, taking the FLOID frappacino, they withdraw behind a door that slams shut. LUAKEL is about to take a step after them when he remembers the other group and looks towards them.

KILNGIRL
Luak!

LUAKEL
I’m coming!

LUAKEL runs after the group as the Porntroopers hustle them forward. The group turns a corner. LUAKEL hurries after them, then finds himself in a totally empty corridor. He looks around, puzzledly.

KILNGIRL
(VO)
No! Luak! It’s a trap!

LUAKEL whips around, sees the group momentarily as they go down a side passageway, before a hidden doorway snaps shut and cuts him off again. LUAKEL looks around wildly, then uses his Sexsword to cut through the door. He leaps through the gap cut, PAULSPRING-D2 following.

He catches another brief glimpse of the KILNGIRL group. PAULSPRING-D2 pushes past him and trundles after them.

LUAKEL
Wait for me!

As PAULSPRING-D2 reaches the group, a door slams shut behind him, cutting LUAKEL off. He hears more doors slamming shut all around him.

LUAKEL
(to himself)
A trap…?

The floor suddenly drops away and LUAKEL falls into the bowels of a huge chamber.

LUAKEL
Aaaarggh!

But he concentrates, using the Innuendo, and he manages to land on his feet. He looks around cautiously to find he is in –

INT. – GOLFTEE – FREEZING CHAMBER

LUAKEL surveys the huge room, with the pipes shedding steam and the ominous cylindrical pit in the middle. He looks around suspiciously.

LUAKEL
Hmm. A big industrial complex of some kind.
I guess I’m going to have to fight the mega
bad guy and kill him in a clever and ironic way
using some of the equipment in here…

VOICE FROM BEHIND HIM
You have wisdom, young Slywanker.
But you are not a Kitjedi yet.

LUAKEL whips around to find he is confronting – of course – DARTH GAYDAR. The Dark Lord engages his own, green Sexsword and raises it to en garde position.

LUAKEL
(coolly)
You.

GAYDAR
You.

With no more words, they move towards each other and engage. LUAKEL lunges, and GAYDAR blocks it with almost casual arrogance. Then GAYDAR lunges, and LUAKEL blocks it, almost as professionally. He gives GAYDAR a smirk, and GAYDAR seems surprised behind his mask.

Then they begin trading blows faster and faster. GAYDAR is clearly more skilled, but LUAKEL is younger and faster.

INT. – GOLFTEE – CORRIDOR

KILNGIRL, CHEWY, C-LEO and DOMINUSNOVUS are being hurried along, their hands in the air, by six Porntroopers. Behind them, PAULSPRING-D2 trundles along, ignored by the Porntroopers.

KILNGIRL
(through gritted teeth, to DOMINUSNOVUS)
So that’s it, huh? At the last, betray us all?

DOMINUSNOVUS
Duck.

KILNGIRL
Wha?!

Suddenly a group of DOMINUS’ GUARDS appears from nowhere and opens fire on the PORNTROOPERS. DOMINUSNOVUS ducks, dragging KILNGIRL and CHEWY down with him; C-LEO also hastily ducks. They exchange fire for a few moments, then all the Porntroopers – and half the guards – are down.

DOMINUSNOVUS
You did it!

The GUARDS remove their helmets to reveal they are all, in fact, beautiful women.

GUARD LEADER
Anything for you, oh great one.

KILNGIRL folds her arms and shakes her head at DOMINUSNOVUS, who grins in embarrassment.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Hey, if YOU were in charge of a planet,
wouldn’t YOU have an army of amazon
guards who’d obey your every, ahahaha, command?

KILNGIRL
No.
(simultaneously)
CHEWY, C-LEO
Yes.

KILNGIRL
Typical men!

GUARD LEADER
What now, oh pinnacle of handsomeness?

DOMINUSNOVUS
Lock those troopers up.
(grimly)
And if I were you, I’d get out of here.
Gaydar’s betrayed us all.

CHEWY
(angrily)
Only because YOU betrayed us first.

CHEWY pulls out his cricket bat and makes a threatening move at DOMINUSNOVUS. Several heavily armed BEAUTIFUL AMAZON GUARDS interpose themselves between the two. Meanwhile, in the background, we can see that one of the fallen PORNTROOPERS is not dead, but is slowly crawling upright, bringing up his rifle to bear on the group.

DOMINUSNOVUS
I had no choice!
But there’s still a chance to save Floid.
Bulga Roktonos’ ship is at the East Platform…

GUARD LEADER
To hear is to obey.

They turn and are about to leave, CHEWY grudgingly nodding, when the PORNTROOPER rises, wielding his rifle.

C-LEO
Oh no!

Suddenly, a spray of burning petrol envelops the PORNTROOPER, who screams, clawing at his helmet, then gurgles and falls to the floor again. His fall reveals that behind him is PAULSPRING-D2, one of his attachments flickering with flame.

C-LEO
Oh my!
PaulSpring, I didn’t know you could do that!

PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep bloop booble bleep!

C-LEO
What? You could do it in Episode III
so it’d be a bit stupid if you couldn’t now?
Well yes, I suppose so…

CHEWY
Come on! We’ve got to save Floid!

They hurry on, the AMAZONS taking the PORNTROOPERS away down another corridor.

EXT. – GOLFTEE – EAST LANDING PLATFORM

BULGA ROKTONOS’ ship, the ‘First Servant’, is parked on the platform. Two PORNTROOPERS slide the milkshake glass with the frozen FLOID into the cargo compartment. BULGA ROKTONOS himself – now with all his weapons retracted – climbs into the cockpit just as KILNGIRL and co. emerge from the doorway to the platform.

BULGA ROKTONOS turns, seems to smirk at them behind his helmet, and gives them the finger. A half dozen knifes and gun barrels flick out of his middle finger, like a Swiss Army Knife.

BULGA ROKTONOS
So long, suckers!

The First Servant takes off and hurtles off into the clouds, trailing flame behind it. CHEWY screams incoherently with rage and smashes his cricket bat down on the platform. The outer part of the platform breaks off from the force of the blow and it breaks away, the two PORNTROOPERS still on it, to fall into the gassy abyss below.

KILNGIRL
We were too late.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(with feeling)
Dammit!

CHEWY
I-

Laserfire comes from the door behind them and more PORNTROOPERS emerge, blasting away at them.

C-LEO
Oh no!

KILNGIRL
(grimly)
We’ll have to…

CHEWY
(eyes blazing)
Injiltera u akbar!

CHEWY charges forward at the PORNTROOPERS, waving his cricket bat. Laserfire is deflected off the cricket bat. He brings the bat around, and his rage gives him so great strength that he decapitates a PORNTROOPER with one blow and sends the still helmeted head flying down the corridor, bouncing repeatedly.

CHEWY
That’s a six!

The other PORNTROOPERS stare at each other in anxiety, then throw down their weapons and run away. CHEWY smirks, but it’s a Pyrrhic victory and he knows it. KILNGIRL comes up behind him and hugs him for support.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Come on. The elevator.

They hurry away down the corridor.

INT. – GOLFTEE – FREEZING CHAMBER

LUAKEL and GAYDAR are still fighting away as intensely as ever. They’re now on a platform overlooking the pit.

GAYDAR
You have learned much, young Slywanker.

LUAKEL
I’ve learned that you could really use
some cough lozenges.

GAYDAR
Insolence!

GAYDAR brings his blade around in a surprise move that knocks LUAKEL off the platform. He falls to the brink of the pit, managing to land on his feet again, but he loses his Sexsword in the process. He looks up and sees GAYDAR descend, his cape flying out behind him like giant batwings. He looks around desperately for his Sexsword.

GAYDAR
Your dentistry lies with me.

LUAKEL
Don’t you mean destiny?

GAYDAR
That too, but I was referring to the fact
that being evil means you get a much
better dental plan than the good guys.

LUAKEL
Anyway, it’s not true!

GAYDAR
Doctor-What knew it to be so.

LUAKEL
(angrily)
Leave him out of this!

LUAKEL jumps forward at GAYDAR, trying to surprise him before he can bring up his blade. But GAYDAR just jumps back in time and LUAKEL falls straight into the pit behind him. A huge gout of steam emerges from below.

GAYDAR comes to the edge of the pit and looks into it dispassionately.

GAYDAR
(musing)
Too easy.
Perhaps he was not as strong as I had hoped.

Suddenly LUAKEL comes flying out of the pit and lands next to his dropped Sexsword. He sweeps it up and faces GAYDAR, his eyes wild with anger. He’s covered in chocolatey goodness.

GAYDAR
Impressive…most impressive.

LUAKEL
I’ll be the judge of that!

GAYDAR
(ignoring him)
Doctor-What has taught you well.
Now release the Straight Side! Let it flow through you!

LUAKEL shakes his head as the two close. They trade another rapid set of blows, neither gaining the advantage.

GAYDAR
Only through the Straight Side
can you defeat me.

LUAKEL
No. I’d rather lose.

GAYDAR
So be it.

GAYDAR flicks his blade around in a slash which seems to miss, but then we see his real target: a pipe in one of the nearby machines. Steam gouts out and immediately hides LUAKEL’s vision. He looks around wildly, sees a faint glimpse of a retreating caped silhouette, follows it into –

INT. – GOLFTEE – REACTOR ROOM

A huge room filled with more, ominously glowing pieces of equipment. There is a giant shaft in the middle that goes down to the atmosphere outside. LUAKEL looks around wildly.

A chunk of machinery suddenly detaches itself from the wall and hurtles toward him. He raises his Sexsword and cuts it in half. But then there is another, and another…He looks up, sweating, sees GAYDAR to one side making gestures.

LUAKEL raises his own hand and tries to send some of the machinery flying back at GAYDAR, but fails. GAYDAR makes a more complex gesture. Another piece of machinery emerges and hurtles toward LUAKEL. He cuts it to pieces with his sword and stands to face GAYDAR again – when a SECOND piece of machinery hits him from behind and knocks him down the shaft.

LUAKEL grabs hold of the edge of the shaft and holds on, still with his Sexsword in one hand. He begins to scramble up again, still not defeated.

INT. – GOLFTEE – CORRIDOR LEADING TO LANDING AREA

KILNGIRL, CHEWY, DOMINUSNOVUS, C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2 rush along the corridor, pausing occasionally to trade fire with pursuing troops, and reach the doorway leading to the landing pad. Through a window, we can see the Century Hawk parked outside. DOMINUSNOVUS hits the control panel in a sequence, but it bleeps a negative.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Dammit! The security code’s been changed!

C-LEO
Come on, PaulSpring!

The two politicals go to the control panel and interface with it. Meanwhile, DOMINUSNOVUS turns around and raises his phone to his lips. His voice sounds on the intercom.

DOMINUSNOVUS
This is Moderator Novussian.
The Empire is about to take control of the Golftee.
I recommend you leave as soon as possible.

We get a montage of images of the corridors, and people suddenly rushing even faster and looking more panicked.

PAULSPRING-D2[/b]
Bleep booble beep boop.

C-LEO
What? Never mind about the hyperlink drive
on the Century Hawk! Just get the door open.

PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop.

The door slides open and the group runs down the connecting bridge to the landing pad.

EXT. – GOLFTEE – LANDING PAD

DOMINUSNOVUS presses a button on a remote control, and the Century Hawk’s ramp comes down. The group hurries on board, CHEWY pausing to trade fire with a few of the Porntroopers pursuing them. Then the ramp slides shut again.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

Everyone crowds into the cockpit. DOMINUSNOVUS takes the piloting position and begins flipping switches.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(to himself)
Let’s see how badly Chewy and Floid
have ruined my precious Katie…

CHEWY
She’s the Century Hawk!

DOMINUSNOVUS
Not to me.

He flicks a last switch and the engines power up.

EXT. – GOLFTEE – LANDING PAD

The group of Porntroopers continue firing at the Century Hawk as its engines suddenly ignite. The backblast sweeps them off the landing pad and they fall into the gassy abyss below. The Century Hawk takes off and blasts away into the sky.

INT. – GOLFTEE – REACTOR ROOM

LUAKEL has managed to pull himself upward out of the shaft, but GAYDAR gives him no quarter. He immediately engages him again. They duel as before, GAYDAR slowly pushing LUAKEL towards a gantry that overlooks the shaft.

GAYDAR
You’re beaten. Resistance is futile.
Don’t let yourself be destroyed as
Doctor-What did.

In the background, we see an AUSTRALIAN waddle past, then raise his corked hat to reveal it is in fact DOCTOR WHAT somehow posing as the tiny alien. He winks at the camera, then walks away.

LUAKEL’s eyes blaze with anger and he thrusts violently at GAYDAR, nicking his armour’s shoulder. GAYDAR seems enraged at the touché and fights forward with renewed vigour, pushing LUAKEL further across the gantry and above the shaft. When he has been pushed a certain distance, GAYDAR suddenly whips his blade around and cuts the gantry away before him.

GAYDAR
Going down?

LUAKEL
(through gritted teeth)
Mmmggghhh!

LUAKEL jumps off the falling gantry and somersaults to land behind GAYDAR, smirking with triumph. But GAYDAR seems to have anticipated his every move. As LUAKEL descends, GAYDAR (without looking) casually sticks his Sexsword behind him at such an angle that it slices through LUAKEL’s wrist and his arm falls away!

LUAKEL stares in disbelief at his wrist as a cartoonish fountain of blood spurts from it.

LUAKEL
Owww!
That really hurt!

GAYDAR turns and faces him, LUAKEL weakening from his blood loss. He falls to his knees, but he keeps hold of his Sexsword in his other hand.

GAYDAR
There’s no escape.
Don’t make me destroy you.
Join me! We can rule the Internet together.

LUAKEL
I’ll never join you!

GAYDAR
If only you knew the power of the Straight Side.
(a pause)
Doctor-What never told you what
happened to your father, did he?

LUAKEL
Of course he did!
He told me you killed him!

GAYDAR
(dramatically)
No, Luak…
I am your father!

LUAKEL
Oh.

GAYDAR
(theatrically)
Search your feelings, you know – what?!

LUAKEL
What what?

GAYDAR
Where’s the ‘noooooo!!!’ ?

LUAKEL
Well, I already knew you were my father, of course!
I mean, you’d have to be pretty sad not to have
ever seen the ‘I am your Father’ scene, wouldn’t you?!

THANDE
(VO)
I heard that.
Cut!

The two stop their confrontation and seem to relax as THANDE steps onto the set. He’s wearing a baseball cap, dark glasses, and a T-shirt with ‘T’Director’ written on the back. He’s holding a megaphone and a clipboard.

THANDE
All reet, all reet, what’s gooin’ off?

LUAKEL
Well, couldn’t you have done something like, er…

GAYDAR
"I am your father’s brother’s sister’s cousin’s former roommate"?

THANDE
That’s been done.

LUAKEL
Well… "I am your mother", then!

THANDE
But then I wouldn’t be able to
spoof the prequels because they
would make no sense in that context!

GAYDAR
Do you really WANT to spoof the prequels?

THANDE
Yes, because it gives me an excuse
to create another Special Edition Super Duper
Director’s Cut DVD Boxset with Deleted Scenes,
Special Features, and Character Interviews!

GAYDAR
Fair enough then.

LUAKEL
But we can’t do this film without
a big revelation at that point!

THANDE
True…
(snaps fingers)
Wait, I know. They
(gestures at audience)
don’t know which AH.commers
Gaydar is yet, do they?

LUAKEL/GAYDAR
No/good point, yeah…

THANDE
(rubbing hands)
Good. That’s settled.
Action!

THANDE leaves the scene. The two face up to each other again and go back into character.

GAYDAR
Ahem, where was I. Oh yes.
No, Luak…I am your father, comma,

LUAKEL
(wagging finger on his one remaining hand)
Nononono, I’m Commer in that other parody…

GAYDAR
No you Ohian teenage dingbat!
(sighs)
No, Luak, I am your father, comma…

GAYDAR dramatically raises the front of his helmet to reveal the face beneath. It’s anaemically white, scarred, and has an eyepatch. It’s also rather familiar.

LUAKEL
What…?!

GAYDAR
Yes Luak, I am your father,
LANDSHARK SLYWANKER!

Long pause.

LUAKEL
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

GAYDAR/LANDSHARK
YESSSS!!!!!!

LUAKEL
NOOOOOO!!!!

GAYDAR/LANDSHARK
YESSSS!!!!
Come and join me and we shall
run the Internet together!

LUAKEL
No! I- er –

LUAKEL suddenly slips and falls off the gantry, down the shaft and into the atmosphere. GAYDAR stares down at the descending spot.

GAYDAR
Dammit!
(shrugs)
Kids. Can’t live with ’em,
can’t live without ’em.

EXT. – GASPIN’ – UNDER THE GOLFTEE

The Century Hawk comes flying down under the lip of the Golftee, pursued by two Thai fighters.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

KILNGIRL
Are you sure this is a good idea,
coming back down like this?

DOMINUSNOVUS
Yeah, in the deeper atmosphere,
the Thais aren’t so manoeuvrable.
Give Chewy a chance to get them –
ah – there goes one –

EXT. – GASPIN’

Laserfire from the Century Hawk disintegrates one of the Thai fighters. Meanwhile, the dot of the falling LUAKEL comes crashing down and slams into the front of the Century Hawk’s cockpit, spreadeagled like a sucker-pawed Garfield.

EXT. – CENTURY HAWK COCKPIT

LUAKEL
Craaaaaaaaappp!!

Through the cockpit window, we see KILNGIRL and DOMINUSNOVUS react in horror as they see him.

INT. – THAI FIGHTER COCKPIT

The PILOT spots LUAKEL landing.

PILOT
Let’s see how HE likes it.

The PILOT raises his helmet to reveal he is, of course, DOCTOR WHAT. He winks at the camera and then breaks off, flying his Thai fighter away.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

CHEWY comes back into the cockpit from the gun turrets

CHEWY
The other one’s broken off, old chaps.
Oh!

For he’s seen that LUAKEL is spreadeagled on the windscreen.

KILNGIRL
We need to get him inside!

CHEWY
All right.

CHEWY hits a button and the cockpit windscreen rotates around so that the outside ends up on the inside. LUAKEL falls flat on his back, his wrist still bleeding.

KILNGIRL
You’re wounded!

LUAKEL
Psychologically more than anything!

DOMINUSNOVUS
At least he’s alive.
Now come on, let’s go!

EXT. – GASPIN’

The Century Hawk rises through the thick atmosphere, past the Golftee, and towards space. Meanwhile, we can see dozens of Imperial troop carriers descending towards the Golftee.

INT. – GOLFTEE – ARCADE CORRIDORS

The Imperial troops are breaking in via the landing platforms and randomly massacring the screaming Golftee inhabitants. GAYDAR strides through the chaos and finds a troop leader.

GAYDAR
Where is my shuttle?

TROOP LEADER
(wincing)
Oh, was that YOUR shuttle?
We kind of blew it up…

GAYDAR
(about to snap his fingers)
Wrong answer.

TROOP LEADER
But, but, but, but,
we saw a MUCH BETTER one on
platform 32 which we didn’t blow up!
(muttering)
Because we were going to sell it on eBay
to finance our pension plans…

GAYDAR
Right answer.

GAYDAR strides away.

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR GASPIN’

The Century Hawk rises into the starry void.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

An ominous beeping noise fills the cockpit.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Aw no! Thread Destroyer, directly ahead!

In fact, it’s the Quoting Wikipedia.

INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE

GEDCA is rubbing his hands in anticipation while FENWICK looks on and rolls his eyes.

GEDCA
First catch of the day!
For Erie!

FENWICK
(muttering)
Déjà vu…

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

The Quoting Wikipedia begins firing on them, and launching Thai fighters.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Okay Chewy, it’s now or never.
Hyperlink, now!

CHEWY
None too soon!

CHEWY hits the button and we hear the swanny whistle noise from before.

C-LEO
Oh no! We’re doomed!

DOMINUSNOVUS
They told me they’d fixed it!

Suddenly, LUAKEL sits bolt upright.

LUAKEL
Father?

Over the curve of the planet, the Overcompensator appears.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Just what we need!

LUAKEL
(to himself)
Father?

GAYDAR
(VO)
Son.

LUAKEL
Why did you never tell me, Bruno?

GAYDAR
(VO)
Join me, Luak. It is your destiny.
You have no choice.

LUAKEL’s expression hardens.

LUAKEL
There’s always a choice.

He swings himself off his stretcher.

KILNGIRL
Luak! You shouldn’t-

LUAKEL
What’s wrong with the hyperlink drive?

CHEWY
Two contacts broken in the gamma circuit.
We don’t have any spare parts.

LUAKEL
Right.

He gestures at the appropriate control panel. It flies open and a circuit board emerges, floating in midair before him. KILNGIRL staring at him in awe and worry, points to two points.

KILNGIRL
Here and here.

LUAKEL
Right.

He makes another gesture and the metal melts under his stare, as though he were soldering it, joining the contacts together. He makes a final gesture and the circuit board flies back into the panel, which clicks shut.

LUAKEL
Now try it.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Chewy?

CHEWY
Here goes nothing!

CHEWY hits the button and the stars streak into hyperlinks as the ship hurtles into cyberspace.

ALL
YEEEEESSSS!!

LUAKEL
Great! Now – uh – argh -

He collapses, drained of energy.

INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE

GEDCA watches the Century Hawk zoom away, his expression unreadable. Behind him, FENWICK smirks.

GEDCA
Well…I suppose I’d better…

FENWICK
Make a personal apology to Lord Gaydar?
(nudging him)
Can I have your hat now and save time?

GEDCA mutters to himself and walks away.

EXT. – SPACE – REBEL FLEET

The Rebel fleet, featuring much larger capital ships than when we last saw it, drifts through space. The Century Hawk is docked to a Rebel medical frigate, shaped like a giant syringe. As we watch, the Century Hawk detaches from its position and flies away.

INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT

CHEWY and DOMINUSNOVUS only are seated there. DOMINUSNOVUS is speaking into his radio.

DOMINUSNOVUS
We’re off, guys.

KILNGIRL
(VO)
Good hunting.

CHEWY
When we find that dirty bounty hunter,
we’ll call you.
(to himself)
Though I may have to rip his throat out first.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(clapping him on the back)
That’s the spirit, Chewy!

The two grin at each other, their friendship renewed.

INT. – REBEL MEDICAL FRIGATE – SICKBAY

KILNGIRL is speaking into a radio.

KILNGIRL
May the Innuendo be with you.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(VO)
And with you!

Meanwhile, LUAKEL is having a robotic hand installed by TORQUMADA. As we watch, TORQUMADA clicks shut the access panel on the hand and then pulls out a dirty great scalpel, which he proceeds to stab LUAKEL with repeatedly all over his body.

LUAKEL
Ow! Ow! Ow!

TORQUMADA
Feel that?

LUAKEL
(tightly)
Yes – but aren’t you supposed to be
testing the pain receptors just in my
new artificial hand?

TORQUMADA
You can’t be too careful.

TORQUMADA walks away and LUAKEL plays with his new hand, looking at it with a calculating and thoughtful expression. Then he swings himself off the bed and goes up to KILNGIRL and the politicals, who are standing at a window and staring out into space. Before them lies the Board itself, gleaming in shades of blue, grey and white. The Century Hawk flies away before them, hurtling deeper into the Board.

LUAKEL
They’ll find him.

KILNGIRL
I know.

They watch the Board turn.

Zoom down to a point and run the credits with the rousing theme song.

TO BE CONTINUED (of course)