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AH.COM WARS - Episode VI: Upturn of the Kitjedi
A long time ago
in an Internet far, far away
AH.COM
WARS
By
Tom Anderson
Episode VI: Upturn of the Kitjedi
Luak Slywanker has returned to his home planet of
Arrakisimeantatooine in an attempt to rescue his friend Floid Lonely from the
clutches of the evil gangster Santa the Fatt.
Little does Luak know that the BOARDWIDE EMPIRE has secretly begun construction
on a new battle station even more powerful than the dreaded Death Tsar.
When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band
of Rebels struggling to restore freedom to the Board...
The text scrolls into the distance and the camera pans down, revealing a
Jupiter-like gas-giant planet far below. Interplaced between it and the camera
is an Earthlike moon, lush and green. Both planet and moon are only half-lit by
the light of the unseen sun. In the shadow of the moon, we can see a vague
collection of glittering lights; around the edge of the shadow, a few of them
cross into the sunlight and gleam metallically.
A giant battleship rumbles by overhead. This is the OVERCOMPENSATOR, the
flagship of the dreaded Lord DARTH GAYDAR.
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
The bridge is as large and complex as when we last saw it. Standing in the
middle of the bridge, near the command chairs, are DARTH GAYDAR and the ship’s
commander, ADMIRAL DIAMOND.
DIAMOND looks a bit more battle-scarred than before and is wearing a neck brace
from a near miss.
DIAMOND
We approach the station, my lord.
GAYDAR
(breathing heavily)
Excellent.
This station shall not be buggered up
as the last one was.
(to himself)
We should never have entrusted it
to a damned colonial like Howery…
DIAMOND
(coughing pointedly)
No, my lord.
An Imperial aide, EVIL OPUS, walks up and hands DIAMOND a clipboard. DIAMOND
gives it a cursory glance, then hands it to GAYDAR. GAYDAR begins to read,
firing questions at EVIL OPUS as he does so.
GAYDAR
No cock-ups like the last one?
EVIL OPUS
Nossir.
GAYDAR
(suspiciously)
And you spell-checked it?
EVIL OPPUS
Yessir.
GAYDAR
Good!
GAYDAR is about to hand the clipboard back, then freezes.
GAYDAR
(suspicious again)
And what about punctuation?
EVIL OPUS
(awkward)
Er-
DIAMOND
My lord, look!
They all turn to see, on the Overcompensator’s main screen, the shadowy
collection of lights emerges from the shadow of the moon and becomes visible in
the sunlight.
It’s huge, surrounded by construction ships, and has a spidery form with huge,
gaping holes which haven’t yet been filled in yet. But its shape is still
distinctive.
The main part is a squat cylinder. The top of it shows a massive, complex
cityscape made up of almost organically random towers and technological canyons.
In fact, from a distance, it almost looks like a slopping bucket of asphalt
frozen in time.
And wrapped around the edge of the cylinder, clutching it possessively, is the
form of a giant skeletal figure in a robe, clutching a scythe in its other hand.
The camera view goes back to GAYDAR, whose expression is unreadable.
GAYDAR
(tonelessly)
Death’s Tar.
You built a Death’s Tar.
EVIL OPUS
Er –
Without looking around, GAYDAR snaps his fingers viciously and we see EVIL OPUS’
head spin around three times a la The Exorcist, accompanied by a horrible
cracking sound. His body spins to the floor and lies there twitching. DIAMOND
looks down at it, impressed despite himself.
GAYDAR
(to himself)
No matter.
We shall defeat the Rebels anyway.
My shuttle!
EXT. – SPACE – OVERCOMPENSATOR
A shuttle, shaped like a stiletto-heeled shoe, emerges from the belly of the
vast battleship. Two Thai fighters appear behind it and escort it in.
The shoe-shuttle shoots toward the Death’s Tar and into a shuttlebay located
around the rim of the ‘bucket’.
[b]INT. – DEATH’S TAR – SHUTTLEBAY
We see an Imperial officer, DANIELB1, waving two of those luminous table tennis
bat things. A ball flies past him. Glancing around, he raises his bats and
begins whacking the balls back in the other direction to another officer with
bats. The game takes on a terrific, Wimbledon like ferocity. Finally, at a key
point, the shoe-shuttle suddenly drops from above and crushes both of them.
The shuttle’s doors open and GAYDAR stalks out, flanked by a pair of
PORNTROOPERS. More Porntroopers are arrayed in the bay, standing in marching
order. Along a carpet laid out between two blocks of Porntroopers, an Imperial
Grand Mod hurries down to meet GAYDAR. This is SHADOW KNIGHT.
SHADOW KNIGHT
My lord!
GAYDAR
(icily)
Grand Mod.
GAYDAR looks idly at the clipboard from before.
GAYDAR
I see you have fallen behind schedule…
I do not approve.
SHADOW KNIGHT bites his lip and speaks defiantly.
SHADOW KNIGHT
My lord, my men are working as fast as they can!
GAYDAR
I see.
I do hope the Emperor agrees
when he comes here in a week.
SHADOW KNIGHT pales.
SHADOW KNIGHT
Th – the – Emperor is coming here?
GAYDAR
Indeed.
SHADOW KNIGHT
We – we shall double our efforts!
GAYDAR
(waving a finger)
See that you do.
The Emperor is not as…forgiving as I am.
GAYDAR sweeps his cape around dramatically – and stylishly – and stalks off,
flanked by his PORNTROOPERS.
SHADOW KNIGHT
(muttering)
How is that even possible?!
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – ROAD TO SANTA’S PALACE
A lonely, windswept road winding through the Arrakisimeantatooineian desert.
Walking haphazardly along it are C-LEO and his rightwing counterpart,
PAULSPRING-D2.
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop boop beep?
C-LEO
Well, for once I agree with you.
This is a stupid idea, one worthy of the GOP.
PAULSPRING-D2
(indignantly)
Boop bazz!
C-LEO
(ignoring him)
And Captain Novussian said poor
Chewy never returned from HIS attempt
to infiltrate this place…oh dear!
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleep boop boopy blazz!
C-LEO
Oh shut up, I don’t have time to
waste on your foibles now.
PAULSPRING-D2
Blurz.
C-LEO
(outraged)
That’s not even anatomically possible!
The two continue arguing as they walk down the road.
EXT. – SANTA’S PALACE
The huge, dusty, imposing palace sits at the end of the road. Incongruously, it
seems to be made out of ice, and is covered in jolly Christmassy lights, glowing
reindeer, etc. It all seems very festive, until you notice that mounted above
the door on trophy stands are the severed heads of the Easter Bunny, Jack O’Lantern,
Guy Fawkes, etc.
C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2 approach, their argument dying away as they stare at the
heads.
PAULSPRING-D2
Boooo beep.
C-LEO
Oh my.
They hesitantly go up to the door.
C-LEO bangs on the door. On the wall, one of the Christmas decorations suddenly
shoots out on an extending candy-cane and pokes under C-LEO’s nose.
UNSEEN VOICE EMANATING FROM DECORATION
Ooby dooby ooby dooby ooby dooby dooby wadah wadah waa!
C-LEO
Oh my! It’s Royal Orbisonic.
They want to know what we’re doing.
What shall I say?
PAULSPRING-D2
(making a suggestion)
Boop beep boop?
C-LEO
"Hello, I’m from the Jehovah’s Witnesses
and my friend here is selling encyclopaedi-"
(C-LEO spins around)
This is no time for practical jokes!
VOICE
(hotly)
Cry-y-ying ovaaaah yooooou!
The candy cane shoots back into the wall and the doors fly open. PAULSPRING-D2
beeps and trundles through it.
C-LEO
Oh my!
(to himself)
Oh well, I can’t let myself be
bested by a mere conservative,
I’d never live it down.
(he steels himself)
For the Mandaeans!
C-LEO hurries after PAULSPRING-D2.
INT. – SANTA’S PALACE – HALLWAY
The doors slam shut behind the two politicals with a terrific crash. Standing
before them are a series of leering, shady-looking guards armed with giant axes,
chainsaws and shotguns. They are from a variety of races – some are HED’DIKs,
with a giant pink tentacle coming from the middle of their foreheads, and others
are porcine-featured MALE CHAUVINIST PIGs.
C-LEO looks at the guards nervously as they surround them and follow them, but
do not stand in their way.
C-LEO
Just deliver Master Luak’s message
and let’s get out of here!
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep.
C-LEO
That’s just what you said before Iraq!
I don’t believe you have an exit strategy!
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop.
They come up to the doorway to the throne room, which is guarded by Santa’s
majordomo, the Male Chauvinist Pig NAPOLEONXIV. His speech is interspersed with
squeals and grunts.
NAPOLEONXIV
What squee is your grnh business?!
C-LEO
Oh my!
We are here to deliver a message to the mighty Santa-
PAULSPRING-D2
Baa biip.
C-LEO
-and a gift-
(stares at PAULSPRING-D2)
What gift?
NAPOLEONXIV
You may wheeek! approach.
The throne room doors open and NAPOLEONXIV enters, followed by the two
politicals.
INT. – SANTA’S PALACE – THRONE ROOM
The throne room is like a Santa’s grotto from hell, in which the ‘elves’
are disgusting little creatures known as NOOBs. Standing upon a great throne in
the middle of the shadowy room is SANTA himself, a giant, grotesquely
proportioned naked guy sitting at a computer. He is holding a lead in one hand,
the other end attached to a collar holding a beautiful young alien woman, the
green-skinned OOLALA.
NAPOLEONXIV and the politicals approach. NAPOLEONXIV whispers something into
Santa’s ear.
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho!
(evilly)
So they do, do they?
C-LEO
(brightly)
Good morning!
SANTA
(commanding)
Cut the pleasantries.
C-LEO
Oh my…
PaulSpring, give him the message!
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop.
A beam of light emits from PAULSPRING-D2’s hologram projector and produces a
towering, larger than life size hologram of LUAKEL SLYWANKER dressed in a sombre
cloak. SANTA and his gangsters stare up at the hologram.
LUAKEL HOLOGRAM
Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Luak Slywanker, Kitjedi Knight and friend to Captain Floid.
I know that you are powerful, mighty Santa,
and that your anger with Floid must be equally powerful.
I seek an audience with Your Greatness to bargain for Floid’s life.
(Santa’s crowd laughs)
With your wisdom, I'm sure that we can work out
an arrangement which will be mutually beneficial and enable us
to avoid any unpleasant confrontation.
As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift: these two politicals.
C-LEO
What?! What did he say?!
The hologram vanishes. SANTA laughs to himself.
SANTA
(nastily)
Ho, ho, ho.
There will be no bargain.
C-LEO
We’re doomed.
SANTA
I’m not giving up the fairy on my tree…
Heads turn to see a giant Christmas tree at one end of the room. Atop it is the
figure of FLOID, still frozen into a glass of frappacino.
C-LEO
Oh no.
~~~
INT. – SANTA’S PALACE – DUNGEON CORRIDOR
NAPOLEONXIV and one of the Hed’Diks, CZARIST, propel the hapless C-LEO and
PAULSPRING-D2 down a dank corridor. We get vague glimpses of cell bars on either
side and dirty, damaged hands are thrust out, grabbing pleadingly as the
politicals pass. We hear screams of torment over the background music.
C-LEO
Oh dear.
This place is worse than Abu Ghraib.
PAULSPRING-D2
(indignantly)
Beep boopy beep!
C-LEO
Now is not the time to debate
whether the Geneva Convention
can be said to apply to unlawful
combatants!
We’re in enough trouble as it is.
CZARIST
(shoving at them roughly)
yuo! kepe mvoing!
C-LEO
Oh my.
(in despair)
What did I do to make Master Luak
do this to us?!
PAULSPRING-D2
Beep boop?
C-LEO
(indignantly)
He said he liked my haikus
based on Aramaic translations of
the 9/11 commission report!
They come to a junction and NAPOLEONXIV shoves them through a doorway.
INT. – SANTA’S PALACE – BOILER ROOM
The room is filled with horrible Blakean steam-spewing reactors and piston
machines that THUD uncomfortably every few seconds. The guards hustle C-LEO and
PAULSPRING-D2 further into the room. The politicals look around nervously and
see other politicals, some of them being tortured. C-LEO shudders.
Behind a crude desk sits Santa’s own slavemaster politicals, the leftwinger
TIELHARD and the rightwinger BRILLIANTLIGHT. They are both smoking huge cigars
and stare, unimpressed, as NAPOLEONXIV and CZARIST throw C-LEO and PAULSPRING-D2
at their feet.
NAPOLEONXIV
Some new toys for you.
TIELHARD
Goooood.
BRILLIANTLIGHT
Zweeeeeeeb.
TIELHARD
(to C-LEO)
You’re a translator?
C-LEO
Why yes, I-
TIELHARD
How many languages?
C-LEO
Over six million, including
over 1500 dialects of the Mandaean-
TIELHARD
(interrupting)
Excellent. The master has been without
a translator political since the last one
met with an untimely end.
BRILLIANTLIGHT
(gloatingly)
Bwibble ZEEEP.
C-LEO
Untimely…end…?
TIELHARD
Something to do with Aramaic haikus…
C-LEO gulps.
TIELHARD
One other thing.
What is your opinion of Israel?
C-LEO
(the tiniest of hesitations)
Well, I-
TIELHARD
(tutting)
Hmph, another deluded neocon.
Didn’t even froth at the mouth.
C-LEO
(outraged)
But-
PAULSPRING-D2
(sniggering)
Bzzp bzzp bzzp.
BRILLIANTLIGHT
Blee bloo, blab blee!
PAULSPRING-D2
(outraged)
Blaa?!
C-LEO
(smugly, to PAULSPRING-D2)
Oh dear.
NAPOLEONXIV and CZARIST drag the two politicals away, C-LEO back to the throne
room, PAULSPRING-D2 off in another direction.
INT. – SANTA’S PALACE – THRONE ROOM
SANTA is in the midst of a raucous party as NAPOLEONXIV drags C-LEO back into
the room. The bloated naked form of SANTA is surrounded by beautiful young alien
women, all wearing those horrible American department store Christmas hats –
and little else.
On the dancefloor is the green-skinned OOLALA that we saw before, dancing
seductively. SANTA raises a bushy eyebrow, a gleam in his eye, and gestures for
her to come to him. She turns and playfully shakes her head. SANTA frowns and
gestures more pointedly. She shakes her head more seriously, looking worried.
SANTA grunts and hammers his meaty fist down on a button on his throne. Suddenly
the floor drops away below OOLALA and she falls into the abyss below with a
scream. SANTA smirks.
C-LEO
Oh dear. Oh my.
And other clichés.
INT. – PIT OF OBLIVION
The form of OOLALA crashes to the floor. She looks up, horror in her eyes, and
we vaguely see, in the shadows, a huge slavering beast of some kind.
Incongruously, she smiles and makes a strangely familiar hand gesture. The beast
rolls over and falls asleep with a loud snore.
OOLALA
(oddly masculine voice)
Good. A worthy test for the young ’un.
OOLALA rips away her face to reveal that beneath, slightly stained with green
makeup, is the face of none other than DOCTOR WHAT.
DOCTOR WHAT
The reckoning must continue.
Young Luak must be prepared for
the final challenge.
(decisively)
And now I must leave here.
DOCTOR WHAT takes a step away, pauses, looks down at his fake female body and
gently prods his chest enhancements with a thoughtful look.
DOCTOR WHAT
(absently)
In a few hours.
INT. – SANTA’S PALACE – THRONE ROOM
As before. C-LEO has now taken up his position to the left of SANTA. SANTA is
now watching another young alien woman dancing, but looks a bit unsatisfied.
Suddenly we hear a shot ring out. Heads turn and we see two of SANTA’s guards,
a Hed’Dik and a cloaked human, escorting a pair of newcomers. An alien bounty
hunter wearing an angular helmet, and CHEWY, still in his business suit but
being led about by the bounty hunter via handcuffs and a chain. He looks a bit
put-upon.
BOUNTY HUNTER
Crackle crackle static whiiiz!
C-LEO
(to SANTA)
Oh my. He says he’s a Breen bounty hunter
named Whoosh and he’s here to claim the
bounty on this…this Bangladeshi.
C-LEO stares at the sulking CHEWY in horror.
SANTA
At last we have the mighty Chewy!
(to WHOOSH)
You shall be rewarded with the full
bounty of twenty-five thousand smackaroonies.
WHOOSH
Crackle static whiz!
C-LEO
Oh my. He says he wants
fifty thousand, no less!
Intake of breath around the room. SANTA scowls and knocks C-LEO back into the
wall with one pudgy hand.
SANTA
And what makes you think you
can demand this?
WHOOSH suddenly pulls down his trousers a little to reveal the reinforced woolly
longjohns beneath.
WHOOSH
Crackle.
C-LEO
(voice rising in terror)
Because he’s wearing thermal underwear!
The whole court scream and shout in horror.
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho.
This is my kind of bounty hunter.
(decisively)
Thirty-five.
WHOOSH
Whizz.
C-LEO
Er, forty.
SANTA
Thirty-seven.
WHOOSH
Crackle.
C-LEO
Done.
Sighs of relief echo around the room as WHOOSH shakes hands with SANTA. CHEWY
mutters something under his breath in Bengali. To one side, we see the cloaked
human guard’s face for a moment as he turns past the camera – it’s
DOMINUSNOVUS. He wanders off to one side and finds one of SANTA’s dancers, an
attractive redheaded woman who looks more poised and in control than the others.
DOMINUSNOVUS
Hi, do you come here often?
REDHEAD
(through gritted teeth)
What are you talking about?!
DOMINUSNOVUS
What, you think I’m going to let
Luakel marry you?
REDHEAD
What? I’m here to kill him!
DOMINUSNOVUS
I read ahead.
(leering horribly)
Come with me, sweetums, and you’ll
find being the Emperor’s Hand is nothing
compared to being the recipient of one of mine…
The camera pans away as the REDHEAD starts beating DOMINUSNOVUS with a frying
pan. Off on the other side of the room, we see BULGA ROKTONOS, in his
ManDeLorean armour, staring suspiciously at WHOOSH, who looks defiantly back
through his Breen helmet…
INT. – DUNGEON – CELL
CZARIST and other guards hurl CHEWY into a cell.
CHEWY
I say, this is a bit unpleasant.
(turns to the hopeless-looking denizens of the other cells)
Any of you chaps have the Test Match scores by any chance?
INT. – THRONE ROOM
Now it is night. The debris of the party is strewn over the floor. The room is
deserted, but as we watch, a single figure appears. From its silhouette, it’s
obvious that it’s WHOOSH.
WHOOSH climbs the Christmas tree and goes up to the top, staring at FLOID
encased in his Frappacino. Then he takes off his helmet to reveal that beneath,
of course, is KILNGIRL. She looks decisively at FLOID.
KILNGIRL
It’s a sacrifice, of course,
but anything for the Rebellion…
KILNGIRL ties a bib around her neck and begins to lick away the Frappacino.
Time lapse.
Both FLOID and KILNGIRL sit at the bottom of the tree, looking porked out and
covered in chocolate. FLOID awakens as we watch.
FLOID
What? Who’s there?
KILNGIRL
(lisping due to a frozen-numb tongue)
Thomeone who loves chocolate.
FLOID
(without looking around)
Well, I’ll give you a big kiss
for getting me out of there!
FLOID glances down, sees KILNGIRL’s Breen helmet, pales.
FLOID
You’re a Breen? I could freeze my…err…lips off!
KILNGIRL
(laughing)
Typical man.
If anything, FLOID pales even further, until you can barely tell that he’s
Sudanases.
FLOID
Oh no…
You…
KILNGIRL
Nice to see you, too.
SANTA
(VO)
Ho, ho, ho.
KILNGIRL
Crap.
The lights come up to reveal that SANTA and his court are assembled there,
waiting for them.
SANTA
What’s done is done.
Very well, I have other plans for
Captain Floid.
FLOID
Oo-er.
SANTA
And as for you…
CZARIST drags the struggling KILNGIRL towards SANTA as other guards take the
weakened FLOID away. SANTA smiles putridly and strokes the restrained KILNGIRL’s
chin with one pudgy hand.
C-LEO
Oh my, I can’t watch.
NAPOLEONXIV
Really? I can!
INT. – DUNGEON – CELL
FLOID is thrown in the same cell as CHEWY.
CHEWY
I say, old chap, you’re back among the living!
FLOID
Chewy! Great to see you, man!
(dolefully)
Even if we may not last much longer.
CHEWY
Don’t worry. Luak has a plan.
FLOID
Slywanker? What can that kid do?
CHEWY
He’s a Kitjedi Knight now.
FLOID
And that is supposed to reassure me?!
INT. – SANTA’S PALACE – HALLWAY
As seen before. The doors suddenly open, as though by themselves, and a hooded
figure steps through, silhouetted by the dramatic desert light outside. It is,
of course, LUAKEL.
Two guards rush up to apprehend him, but LUAKEL makes a certain gesture and they
both suddenly keel over, clutching their wrists puzzledly. Finally LUAKEL
reaches NAPOLEONXIV, who is about to lift a phone handset. LUAKEL gestures again
and NAPOLEONXIV, a dreamy look in his eyes, puts it down again.
LUAKEL
(gesturing)
I need to see Santa now.
NAPOLEONXIV
(monotonous)
You need to see Santa now.
LUAKEL
I am an honoured guest.
NAPOLEONXIV
You are an honoured guest.
LUAKEL
Sex is not the most important thing in the universe.
NAPOLEONXIV
(blinking in incomprehension)
Pardon?
LUAKEL
Never mind.
NAPOLEONXIV, zombie-like, leads LUAKEL away.
INT. – THRONE ROOM
As before. LUAKEL and NAPOLEONXIV enter.
NAPOLEONXIV
(to SANTA)
Master, honoured guest, Luakel Slywanker.
SANTA
You weakminded fool!
SANTA shoves NAPOLEONXIV away roughly and tugs on a chain which leads
off-screen.
SANTA
I was hoping to enjoy MY new…present right now.
SANTA pulls on the chain and KILNGIRL is dragged on screen. She is scantily clad
but slumped as though bowed under some great weight.
LUAKEL
What’s wrong?
KILNGIRL
(through gritted teeth)
This moron doesn’t realise
that ‘gold bikini’ only refers to
the colour, not the actual metal content…
SANTA
Enough!
LUAKEL
(matter of factly)
You will release Captain Floid and Princess
Kilngirl to me. Now!
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho.
Your mind tricks will not work on me.
LUAKEL
Nevertheless…
Or face destruction.
SANTA
Hah!
SANTA hammers down on his button. LUAKEL – and beside him, NAPOLEONXIV –
drop into the pit below.
C-LEO
Oh no!
KILNGIRL
Luak!
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho.
INT. – PIT OF OBLIVION
Much as before. LUAKEL and NAPOLEONXIV both land on their feet. NAPOLEONXIV
looks around in horror and begins banging on a nearby, locked door. LUAKEL turns
the other way and faces SANTA’s beast.
LUAKEL
(in soft tones)
Oh my God-
A giant beast surges past him and rips NAPOLEONXIV’s head off in a single
movement. Far above, we hear the watching crowd cheering. LUAKEL watches in
horror as the beast is revealed.
A SHEEP THE SIZE OF A VW CAMPER VAN!!!
The beast is covered in black wool, has mad red eyes, and a mouth filled with
fangs dripping with NAPOLEONXIV’s blood.
LUAKEL
Crap!
LUAKEL dodges desperately as the SHEEP charges him, but misses narrowly. LUAKEL
runs the other way, into another part of the pit. He trips and almost falls over
something on the ground. He turns to see what it is – an old leftwinger
political, obviously now malfunctioning. This is MACSPORAN.
MACSPORAN
(eyes spinning madly, speaking erratically)
Must cr must cr crush capitacapitalism
Must enfor enforce weal wealth redistributibution
LUAKEL turns away and stares as the SHEEP turns and prepares to charge him
again. A thoughtful look crosses his face.
LUAKEL
An idea…
LUAKEL suddenly picks up the form of MACSPORAN and holds him like an assault
rifle, pointed at the SHEEP, which looks at him, puzzled.
LUAKEL
Prepare to face the unholy forces of…
LUAKEL twists MACSPORAN’s ear and the top of his head flips open. An oily mass
of smoke and light flies out towards the SHEEP!
LUAKEL
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS!
The smoky light forms itself into the shape of numerous figures with long noses,
which mob the puzzled SHEEP.
FIGURES
(overlapping with each other)
Can’t have this…baa baa black sheep,
obviously racist nursery rhyme…must invoke
a pluralistic interpretation…must be sensitive
and tolerant in the most infuriatingly
insensitive and intolerant way possible…
As the SHEEP fights the POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, LUAKEL smirks, pulls out a
hairpin, and picks the lock of the door NAPOLEONXIV tried to escape from. He
walks out.
INT. – THRONE ROOM
SANTA looks angry as more guards drag the unresisting LUAKEL away.
SANTA
Bring Floid and the Bangladeshi.
They will all suffer for this.
C-LEO
Oh my…
What are you going to do with them?
SANTA
Ready my sleigh.
We shall go and cast them into the mouth of
the ravenous Sandwormimeansarlacc.
Off C-LEO’s horrified expression…
~~~
EXT. – SANDS OF ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE
The three suns and five moons glare down on the featureless dunes. A giant
sleigh, pulled by a series of unconvincing mecha reindeer, hurtles overhead,
followed by two smaller ones pulled by a single reindeer. We zoom in on one of
these to find LUAKEL, FLOID and CHEWY tied up, surrounded by guards including
the disguised DOMINUSNOVUS.
FLOID
Great.
Full circle.
Thanks for getting us into this, mate.
LUAKEL
Don’t worry.
I have a plan.
FLOID
Oh, brilliant.
CHEWY
Chin up, chaps, no point
in letting the side down.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(loudly)
Quiet there you scum!
(softly)
I always wanted to say that.
FLOID rolls his eyes.
INT. – SANTA’S SLEIGH
In the middle of the large sleigh, the naked SANTA sits grotesquely upon a
throne. KILNGIRL, still in her heavy solid gold bikini, is slumped at his feet.
KILNGIRL
(through gritted teeth)
I’ll get you for this, you dirty old
composite pagan/proto-hagiographic entity…
SANTA
(leering)
How do you feel about unpacking my sack?
C-LEO wanders past, jostling various guards and other politicals aside, and
bumps into PAULSPRING-D2, who is holding a large sheaf of magazines.
C-LEO
PaulSpring! What are you doing here?
PAULSPRING-D2
(disconsolately)
Blooble bleep.
C-LEO
Well! Selling copies of the
New York Times.
(to himself)
How evil Santa is.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bloo blee.
C-LEO
What about the plan? What plan?
PAULSPRING-D2
Blickle blee.
C-LEO
(tuts)
Well, I’m not willing to take your word for it.
PAULSPRING-D2
Blolli Blollal?
C-LEO
No, it would not help if you got
Colin Powell to do a detailed presentation
‘with coloured slides and everything’.
PAULSPRING-D2
Bloo blorblel.
EXT. – SANDWORMIMEANSARLACC PIT
A pit in the sand. In the middle of it, a huge mouth surrounded by razor sharp
teeth and waving tentacles. Above it, the three sleighs hover. The prisoners’
sleigh is directly over the mouth. A plank is extended from it and, as we watch,
the guard CZARIST shoves LUAKEL onto the plank.
CZARIST
jmup!
LUAKEL
Pardon?
CZARIST
(angrily)
i siad mujp1
LUAKEL
I’m sorry, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
CZARIST mutters something pungent if incoherent and begins shoving LUAKEL by
hand.
INT. – SANTA’S SLEIGH
SANTA lifts a megaphone to his mouth and speaks.
SANTA
Now you shall pay the price for your treachery.
FLOID
(yelling back)
Go to hell, you worthless sack of sprouts!
SANTA’s eyes go red and his face darkens in anger.
SANTA
Begin!
EXT. – OVER PIT
As CZARIST begins shoving him, LUAKEL nods to the disguised DOMINUSNOVUS and
gets a nod in return.
INT. – SANTA’S SLEIGH
As the others watch in glee or horror, PAULSPRING-D2 wanders off to one side. He
winces and somehow withdraws LUAKEL’s sexsword from some receptacle or other.
PAULSPRING-D2
(darkly)
Blippble bleep blazz blee!
(he projects the words as a hologram)
DAMMIT, WHAT DO THEY THINK I AM,
ONE OF THEIR LIBERAL PERVERTS?
PAULSPRING-D2 sighs and hurls the Sexsword over to LUAKEL.
EXT. – OVER PIT
LUAKEL suddenly dives off the plank, grabs the tip of it, swings his legs
around, expertly knocks CZARIST over the side of the sleigh and into the pit
instead, and snatches his Sexsword from midair. With unrealistic Matrix style
martial arts, he somehow manages to land on his feet in the middle of the
sleigh.
FLOID
The boy’s got good!
Two of the three remaining guards pull out their weapons and are about to fire,
but DOMINUSNOVUS, behind them, quickly shoots them in the back. FLOID and CHEWY
nut them and knock them over as well. They watch as the three guards descend
into the pit and get torn apart by the Sandwormimeansarlacc.
FLOID
Hmm, death by plagiarism.
Now cut our bonds!
LUAKEL
(grinning lopsidedly)
You’re welcome.
LUAKEL ignites his Sexsword – the pink energy blade becomes rigid almost
instantly – and he uses it to slice through CHEWY and FLOID’s bonds.
INT. – SANTA’S SLEIGH
SANTA is apoplectic with rage.
SANTA
You! You! And you!
He points at three BOUNTY HUNTERS reclining on the forecourt – BULGA ROKTONOS,
LEEJ and BENEDICT-17. They nod. LEEJ and BENEDICT-17 go to man a large cannon,
while BULGA ROKTONOS activates his jet pack and goes flying over towards the
prisoners’ sleigh.
EXT. – OVER PIT
FLOID
Oh crap!
A cannon blast rips into the front of the sleigh and it explodes with chunks of
wood and that curly German decoration stuff. BENEDICT-17 and LEEJ quickly
reorientate their weapons and fire a more precisely aimed shot. LUAKEL hurriedly
uses his Sexsword to block it. The energy blast flies off in another direction,
but LUAKEL is thrust back from the force of the impact. Sweat runs down his
forehead.
LUAKEL
(through gritted teeth)
That’s the biggest one I’ve ever had to knock back…
DOMINUSNOVUS
Head’s up!
BULGA ROKTONOS comes flying towards them. As he does so, an assortment of
absurdly over the top weaponry appears from hidden flaps on his ManDeLorean
armour. His forearm opens to reveal a missile launcher, his chest becomes a
giant maser dish, the top of his helmet turns into a laser turret. He opens fire
with all this, while at the same time BENEDICT-17 and LEEJ fire yet another
cannon blast. LUAKEL swears, but manages to deflect it again, although he is
thrust back another couple of paces.
LUAKEL
You’ll have to deal with him yourself!
FLOID
(ducking under one of BULGA ROKTONOS’ missiles)
Charming.
FLOID and DOMINUSNOVUS pull out pistols and open fire. BULGA ROKTONOS just hangs
there, hovering on his jet pack, and gives them a contemptuous look as the
energy blasts SPANG off his armour.
BULGA ROKTONOS
Pathetic. I am invincible.
And after this day I shall star in
many, many fan fictions-
CHEWY
Too right, old man!
CHEWY suddenly leaps up and whacks BULGA ROKTONOS’ jet pack with his cricket
bat. A rocket explodes and BULGA ROKTONOS goes flying off, emitting a dopplering
scream and a trail of smoke. He describes a crazy loop-the-loop and then-
FLOID
Look out, he’s coming back!
BULA ROKTONOS
(as though through gritted teeth)
Arm atomic device!
His chest splits open to reveal a giant bomb with a nuclear symbol upon it.
BULGA ROKTONOS
I’ll take them with me!
Future generations shall tremble at my name-
He goes flying way overhead the sleigh. FLOID, DOMINUSNOVUS and CHEWY watch,
disinterested, as LUAKEL struggles harder to deflect the blasts from BENEDICT-17
and LEEJ.
FLOID
(pointing at BULGA ROKTONOS)
Typical Yank, can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
DOMINUSNOVUS
Hey!
DOMINUSNOVUS punches FLOID, or tries to, but misses and topples to the bottom of
the sleigh.
Meanwhile, in the background, BULGA ROKTONOS describes another bizarre loop,
comes back around, and collides with the giant reindeer mecha on the front of
the prisoners’ sleigh. It comes free, and it and BULGA ROKTONOS are sent
hurtling towards the bottom of the pit. They hit the Sandwormimeansarlacc and
the whole thing explodes in a terrific mushroom cloud, creating a shockwave that
propels the prisoners’ sleigh upward.
ALL
Ohcrapohcrapohcrap…
When the smoke clears, the prisoners’ sleigh is hurtling back downwards,
towards SANTA’S sleigh…
INT. – SANTA’S SLEIGH
A great shadow is spreading across the deck.
C-LEO
Sacré bleu, Gottes Blitz, Bozhemoi!
SANTA
You two! Earn your keep and shoot him down!
LEEJ
Why aye, man!
The two twist their cannon around and begin firing at the bottom of the
descending sleigh.
Meanwhile, in the background, the slumped KILNGIRL catches sight of a lift off
to one side. With a thoughtful look on her face, she manages to drag herself
towards it…
EXT. – PRISONERS’ SLEIGH
DOMINUSNOVUS
Incoming!
A blast from the cannon blows the sleigh completely apart, though the sleigh
itself takes the impact and the crew seem unharmed.
INT. – SANTA’S SLEIGH
LUAKEL lands on his feet, just in front of BENEDICT-17 and LEEJ. The two
immediately go for their weapons, but LUAKEL sticks his Sexsword into the cannon
and then quickly dives away, using his unrealistic Matrix-style martial arts
leap. BENEDICT-17 and LEEJ look at the sparking cannon, then at each other, then
at the cannon again.
BOTH
Uh-oh.
The cannon explodes, flinging them into the pit after BULGA ROKTONOS.
LUAKEL lands elsewhere on the deck and smirks, then goes off to help
DOMINUSNOVUS, CHEWY and FLOID as they land with less poise and begin fighting
SANTA’s remaining guards.
We pan across to another part of the deck, where SANTA himself is increasingly
apoplectic.
SANTA
Kill them! Kill them!
(looks around puzzledly)
Where’s that slave girl…?
KILNGIRL
(VO)
Head’s up, fatman!
She drags herself off the edge of the upper deck, just above SANTA. As he looks
up, she comes crashing down and her solid gold bikini top whacks into his skull
with a twin BONGCRACK, BONGCRACK. Her fall is cushioned by his bloated body and
she bounces off again, leaving him with a cracked skull and an oddly blissful
death mask.
KILNGIRL is caught by LUAKEL as she is flung through the air. Even the Kitjedi
struggles under the weight of her gold bikini.
LUAKEL
I don’t mean to be rude,
but you could stand to lose some weight…
KILNGIRL
(laughing)
Typical man.
Come, cut this off and then I can move again.
LUAKEL blushes.
LUAKEL
Umm…
KILNGIRL
If you try to sneak a look,
I’ll rip your eyes out and use them as yoyos.
LUAKEL
(puzzledly)
The Innuendo tells me that the viewers
already want you to do that to theirs…
A bit of a time lapse. We see CHEWY, FLOID, DOMINUSNOVUS, LUAKEL, KILNGIRL –
now dressed in more sensible clothing – and the two politicals hurry off the
smoking deck and onto the third, undamaged sleigh. FLOID takes the controls and
pilots it away.
FLOID
(looking back; disappointed)
The big sleigh’s still there.
LUAKEL
Your wish is my command.
LUAKEL snaps his fingers and the sleigh explodes, showering molten debris over a
wide area.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(approvingly)
You’ve got to have big explosions.
FLOID
The kid got good!
KILNGIRL
(shaking her head)
Men.
EXT. – SPACE ABOVE ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE
Two ships rise from the surface: the Century Hawk and LUAKEL’s Sex-Wing. They
peel off and head in opposite directions.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
LUAKEL
(over radio)
I’ll meet you back at the fleet.
KILNGIRL
Put some welly into it.
The whole force should be assembled by now.
LUAKEL
Don’t worry, I will.
FLOID
Okay.
(reluctantly)
And thanks for everything, kid.
LUAKEL
No problem.
FLOID turns to KILNGIRL.
FLOID
So what’s been happening while
I’ve been frozen?
KILNGIRL
Well, I’ve married Lt. Nelson.
FLOID’s eyes get big, then go to suspicious slits as KILNGIRL, CHEWY and
DOMINUSNOVUS all burst out laughing.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(gasping)
I can’t believe you even-
CHEWY
It’s because he’s Sudanases.
They’re awfully trusting.
FLOID
I will get you for this…
INT. – LUAKEL’S SEX-WING
PAULSPRING-D2
Bleeple bleep?
LUAKEL
That’s right, PaulSpring.
We’re going back to the Gay-O-Bar System.
(grimly)
I have a promise to keep, with an old –
or possibly young – friend.
PAULSPRING-D2
(grumbling)
Blo, blate.
~~~
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR DEATH’S TAR
The Death’s Tar sits imposingly, orbiting the as yet unnamed green moon below,
which in turn orbits the gas giant. Floating in front of the Death’s Tar is
the Overcompensator, and even its vast bulk is dwarfed by the enormous battle
station.
A series of small blue explosions of light flicker in the vast void of space and
Imperial Thread Destroyers begin hurtling out of cyberspace, assembling into a
vast fleet that approaches the Death’s Tar. Every Thread Destroyer we have
seen in the last two films is here, and many more besides. There are at least
40, all armed to the teeth.
As we watch, the lead Thread Destroyer – the Quoting Wikipedia – opens its
bay doors and a high-powered shuttle shaped like a rolled-up newspaper emerges.
It speeds off towards the Death’s Tar bay, while from the bays of the other
Thread Destroyers, a vast WW2-ish force of Thai fighters emerges and escorts it
in.
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – DOCKING BAY
Thousands of Porntroopers stand in precise formation, making the reception laid
on for Gaydar look positively unambitious. GAYDAR himself, and SHADOW KNIGHT,
stand off to the side and look on as the rolled-up newspaper shuttle descends to
the deck with a hiss of braking jets.
The shuttle’s doorway opens and lowers to the deck with a thud. The
Porntroopers come to attention, and GAYDAR and SHADOW KNIGHT kneel.
Then a figure comes rolling down the ramp, gasping as though for air, clutching
at himself. He is dressed as though a formal aide or secretary.
FIGURE
(gasping)
I can’t take any more!
No more politics!
No more-
His voice rises into a shriek as a bolt of blue lightning emanates from the
interior of the shuttle and fries him. A few seconds later, there is only a
greasy stain on the floor, an unpleasant smelling cloud of smoke, and the echo
of his cry.
GRIMM REAPER strides down the ramp, setting down his cattle prod. He is wearing
a black robe, his face in shadow, his eyes gleaming with an unholy light.
GRIMM REAPER
(shaking his head)
You can’t get the staff these days.
GAYDAR
My lord.
SHADOW KNIGHT
Your majesty.
GRIMM REAPER pulls out a scythe and wallops SHADOW KNIGHT on the ear with the
flat of the blade.
GRIMM REAPER
You fool!
Haven’t you been keeping up with
the engrossing Imperial constitutional debate?
…though why I would expect him to when I control the media and thus know
the outcome before anyone else is open to interpretation…
The current correct form of address is ‘Your
Imperial Superiorityness’, although that is set
to change by next Tuesday.
SHADOW KNIGHT
(rubbing his ear)
I see.
GRIMM REAPER
Now get back to work, Grand Mod.
(He stares into the distance)
Once this battle station is complete,
truly nothing will stand in our way.
SHADOW KNIGHT
Yes, your maj…uh…Imperial Superiorityness.
GRIMM REAPER
Better.
SHADOW KNIGHT hurries away. GRIMM REAPER turns to GAYDAR. In the background,
GRIMM REAPER’s royal guards line up in position. They are an all female,
amazon-like corps, half of whom wear blue skintight jumpsuits and badges with D
and a donkey’s head, and the other half wear red skintight jumpsuits and
badges with R and an elephant’s head. The two groups eye each other
suspiciously at all times. The Republican half are armed with a variety of heavy
assault firearms, while the Democrats carry what look alarmingly like oversized
sex toys.
GAYDAR
My lord.
GRIMM REAPER
Howdy ho, Gaydar my man.
Get up and let’s have a real
mano a mano chat!
GAYDAR gets up, muttering under his breath:
GAYDAR
Bloody colonials have no sense
of the proper ceremony of these matters.
The two begin to walk between the ranks of Porntroopers standing at attention,
talking as they do.
GAYDAR
The Death’s Tar will be completed
on schedule, my master, and then
our plan to destroy the Rebels will be executed.
GRIMM REAPER
(sounding amused)
And then you can get back to
more important matters?
Such as your search for Slywanker?
GAYDAR
(stiffly)
It is purely a professional interest.
GRIMM REAPER
I’m sure.
(pause)
But do not worry. For he will soon
seek you out. I have foreseen it.
GAYDAR
Are these prophecies of yours
all that reliable?
GRIMM REAPER
(shrugging)
How do you thing I funded by
political campaigns all those years ago?
GAYDAR
Ahh…so that’s why Camelot went bust.
GRIMM REAPER
We shall turn Slywanker to the
Straight Side together, my apprentice.
And if he cannot be turned…
GRIMM REAPER cackles evilly.
GAYDAR
(a bit forcefully)
As you wish.
GAYDAR suddenly lashes out, igniting his Sexsword, and sweeps its blade through
a nearby Porntrooper standing at attention. The Porntrooper gasps and collapses
into a heap of blood-spurting chunks of meat still dressed in armour. GRIMM
REAPER quirks an eyebrow and looks at the panting GAYDAR.
GAYDAR
(defensively)
He twitched.
GRIMM REAPER
(smiling cruelly)
We can’t have standards slipping.
The two walk out of the room, followed by GRIMM REAPER’s bickering amazon
guards.
EXT. – SPACE – GAY-O-BAR
LUAKEL’s Sex-Wing dives towards the smoky, post-industrial urban wasteland
planet of Gay-O-Bar.
EXT. – GAY-O-BAR
The same bleak, ruined cityscape that we saw before. LUAKEL is walking along
disconsolately, kicking a can, and PAULSPRING-D2 trundles along behind. We can
see the Sex-Wing parked in the background.
LUAKEL passes a dozen empty houses. There is a thick layer of dust on the floor
and he disturbs it as he walks along – PAULSPRING-D2 emits choked-sounding
bleeps behind him.
Finally LUAKEL reaches one house with a light in the window – and a series of
footprints in the dust leading to the door. The faded name over the door says
THE HARD DAZED KNIGHTS BAR. LUAKEL nods with a smile and walks in.
INT. – THE HARD DAZED KNIGHTS
LUAKEL walks in and looks around. It looks more or less the same as before, but
though there is a light, KITJED23 is nowhere to be seen.
LUAKEL
Master Kitjed?
KITJED23
(sounding tired)
I am here.
He is briefly silhouetted in the bar door, then steps forward to reveal he is
once again an old man with a beard.
LUAKEL
(surprised)
Master! But you only just
started your regeneration cycle-
KITJED23
(harshly)
Training you exhausted my strength, llook you.
Allready I near the end of my finall cycle, boyo.
LUAKEL
(sounding ashamed)
I’m sorry, Master. You shouldn’t
have poured away your final life just to teach me-
KITJED23
(waving a hand dismissively)
Bah!
If my work lleads to you overthrowing
the Emperor, llook you, then it was allll
worthwhille, indeed to gootness it was.
KITJED23 sits down, heavily, on a bar stool.
LUAKEL
But Master! I returned to
complete my training!
KITJED23
You need no more training, boyo.
Your actions on Gaspin’ and afterwards
exceeded the expectations of Doctor-What and I.
LUAKEL
Then I’m a Kitjedi Knight?
KITJED23
(wagging a finger)
Not yet.
(portentously)
One thing remains.
You must face Darth Gaydar again.
LUAKEL ponders this while KITJED23 stares at him steadily.
LUAKEL
(hesitantly)
Master Kitjed…
Is Darth Gaydar my father?
KITJED23
(avoiding his gaze)
Is it so important?
Allll that matters is that he is
a blackhearted servant of the
evill Emperor –
LUAKEL
Master Kitjed.
KITJED23
(lets out a long sigh)
Yes, Lluak.
He is your father.
LUAKEL reacts as if physically wounded. Until now, there was always some doubt,
but now…
KITJED23
How did you llearn of this, boyo?
LUAKEL
He…
He told me himself.
KITJED23
(sighing again)
This is unexpected.
(pauses)
But perhaps that’s not such a bad thing.
Not even the Wise can know all paths,
and Gaydar may yet have his part to play-
LUAKEL
Wrong film.
KITJED23
Stillll true.
KITJED23 lets out a gasp, then a wracking cough. LUAKEL dashes forward, looking
concerned.
LUAKEL
Are you all right?
KITJED23
Of course not, I’m Wellsh!
(pause)
Lluak…
Do not suffer your father’s fate.
Once you start down the Straight path,
it willll dominate your destiny forever.
LUAKEL
Master Kitjed-
KITJED23
When I am gone, you will be the last of the Kitjedi.
(a long, considering pause)
But the Innuendo runs strong in your bloodline…
LUAKEL
But all my relations are dead, or, well, Gaydar-
KITJED23
No, Lluak!
(long, drawn-out)
There…is…another…Slywanker…
Suddenly KITJED23 lets out one final wracking cough and is consumed in a
terrific burnup of golden light, just as he did in the last film. But when this
light fades, there is nothing left.
LUAKEL stares at the empty space for some time, then wipes a tear away and
leaves.
A few seconds later, KITJED23 – now a young man once more, KITJED24 – pops
back into existence and takes the One Ring off his finger. A side door opens and
DOCTOR WHAT enters, now dressed as a nineteenth century French colonial officer.
DOCTOR WHAT
I told you!
KITJED24
Worked like a charm!
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
So I guess that wasn’t your
last incarnation after all?
KITJED24
(grinning)
Always have an ace up your sleeve.
DOCTOR WHAT
(seriously)
Now it’s all down to Luak.
We must set events in motion.
KITJED24
Indeed.
But first…
KITJED24 flexes his biceps, admiring his new young, strong body.
KITJED24
…do we have time to swing past Brighton?
DOCTOR WHAT
One moment.
I’ve just got to go and
do a ghost sequence with Luak.
KITJED24
(nodding)
OK, but hurry back, look you.
DOCTOR WHAT grins and leaves.
EXT. – GAY-O-BAR
LUAKEL walks dejectedly back down the street towards his Sex-Wing, PAULSPRING-D2
beside him.
LUAKEL
(half to himself)
I can’t do it, PaulSpring.
I can’t go on alone.
Not against the Emperor, and…
(a pause)
Him.
PAULSPRING
Bleeble bleep?
LUAKEL
(laughing)
I don’t think that would help.
DOCTOR WHAT’S GHOSTLY VOICE
But we shall always be with you, Luak.
LUAKEL spins around to see DOCTOR WHAT, having hastily coated himself in a layer
of impressive glow in the dark dust, and holding his Acme Spooky Sounding
Megaphone.
LUAKEL
Bruno…
(angrily)
Why didn’t you tell me?!
DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
I thought I did tell you about it!
Remember, on the Death Tsar,
C-Leo asked me about the paint roller-
LUAKEL
Not the Swedish women’s swim team incident!!
The fact that Gaydar is my father!
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh.
LUAKEL
(deadly)
You told me Gaydar betrayed and murdered my father!
DOCTOR WHAT
Luak, your father, Landshark Slywanker,
was a good man, albeit a rather bratty teenager.
When he fell to the Straight Side, that good man died.
(pause)
I know it’s tenuous, but bear with me here!
LUAKEL
(turning away)
Hah!
DOCTOR WHAT
(disconsolately)
It was my fault. I thought I could
train him as well as Kitjed. I was wrong.
LUAKEL
Don’t you mean Si-On? I thought you were
trained by Si-On Ewig, who was trained by Count
Dearborn, who was trained by Kitjed…
DOCTOR WHAT
Quit making sense! I’m trying to be dramatic here!
(sighs)
Thanks to my impatience with him, your father turned to evil.
LUAKEL
There’s still good in him. I felt it.
(muttering)
In between him hacking my hand off, obviously.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hah! He’s more machine than man now.
(thoughtful pause)
Now why do I find that strangely arousing…?
LUAKEL
I can’t beat him in battle alone, Bruno.
Especially with the Emperor helping him.
DOCTOR WHAT
You have to, Luak. You’re our only hope.
LUAKEL
Kitjed mentioned another…
DOCTOR WHAT
(a bit sadly)
Kitjed never could keep his mouth shut.
(eyes mist over with reminiscence)
Er, where was I…?
LUAKEL
Another.
DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t mind if I do…
LUAKEL
(patiently)
No. Another Slywanker.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yes. Yes, it’s…
(winking at camera)
Your twin sister.
LUAKEL
(puzzledly)
I have a twin sister?
DOCTOR WHAT
You and she were hidden
at birth on different planets.
LUAKEL
To decrease the chances of Gaydar
finding us both in one fell swoop?
DOCTOR WHAT
(horribly leering)
Well, yes, that…
And to set up a faux pas blatantly
ripped from the Narn I Hin Húrin
LUAKEL
What?
DOCTOR WHAT
Give me a K! Give me an I! Give me an L!...
LUAKEL
(sudden horror)
KILNGIRL!!
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning horribly)
Got it in one!
EXT. – GAY-O-BAR SKYLINE
Though slowly rotting away from neglect, thousands of proud skyscrapers stand.
It’s like Manhattan, but across the entire planet.
Then…
LUAKEL
(VO, rumbling, echoey, shaking the whole screen)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
One after another, the skyscrapers fall, crashing into each other with the
domino effect, until seconds later the entire city has been levelled.
EXT. – GAY-O-BAR
As LUAKEL begins stabbing himself in the eye with a fork, DOCTOR WHAT winks and
hurries away. He meets KITJED24 behind a bike shed.
KITJED24
(dryly)
I trust it went well?
DOCTOR WHAT
God, I’ve been looking
forward to pulling that one…
KITJED24
(admiringly)
Doc, you’re sicker than Edward VI
eating a Romanian chicken inside
an Iraqi ice-cream van.
DOCTOR WHAT
(modestly)
Thanks!
~~~
EXT. – SPACE – REBEL FLEET
The vastness of interstellar space. The Rebel fleet is a large but motley
collection of ships, from old rebuilt human battleships to a number of oddly
alien looking capital ships built by the race known as the Yer Lasagne.
The fleet is escorted by a disproportionately large number of fighters: both the
Sex-Wing fighters and Bi-Wing bombers we have seen before, and also Gay-Wing
fast fighters (which look like a hand being swept down in a limp-wristed
gesture) and DoubleD-Wing heavy bombers, which look like individual,
absurdly inflated, breasts. The enormous cloud of fighters forms up in combat
space patrols to guard the vulnerable fleet against a sneak assault.
As we watch, the Century Hawk emerges from cyberspace and, escorted by a pair of
Sex-Wings, flies into the main hangar bay of the Rebel flagship, the huge Yer
Lasagne warship the ‘AWAY NIL’. Many executive shuttles from the other ships
are also heading into the hangar bay: a conference is beginning.
INT. – AWAY NIL – CONFERENCE CHAMBER
The room is vast and filled with high-ranking Rebel officers wearing a motley
collection of old and much-patched uniforms. Many of the officers have obvious
war wounds or prosthetics from years of bitter warfare against great odds.
A large part of the audience is made up of fighter pilots, led by the seasoned
veteran COMMANDER HERMANUBIS and his comrades, CAPTAIN MAX SINISTER and CAPTAIN
OTHNIEL. Also present are LIEUTENANT MERRYPRANKSTER, LIEUTENANT G.BONE, and many
green fighter pilots, their squadrons led by the veterans of Coldh and other
battles.
In the middle of the room is a great hologram projector and a podium, presently
not occupied. As we watch, DOMINUSNOVUS steps down through the crowd and finds
where KILNGIRL, FLOID and CHEWY are seated, still in their civilian garb.
DOMINUSNOVUS, on the other hand, is wearing a crisp new general’s uniform.
FLOID looks him up and down.
FLOID
A General, huh?
How respectable of you.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(grinning)
The girl at the rank badge
procurement department was
very susceptible to my charms.
FLOID
(sarcastically)
And she’s helped send you on
a suicide mission because of it.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(shrugs debonairly)
Some men were born to live dangerously.
FLOID
(turning away)
I prefer to live continuously.
The lights go down and several figures step up to the podium. Standing in the
middle is the leader of the Rebellion, a woman wearing a ‘Save The Trees’
T-shirt, and flanked by the two military leaders, ADMIRAL PISCES74 (who is a
fish-like Yer Lasagne) and COLONEL GBW, who is far from the nervous
lieutenant seen in the last film: he has seen much action, and now has a wicked
scar ripping across his face and one artificial eye that glows a malevolent red.
The Rebel leader steps into the light and speaks.
GIRLSGOFISHING
(for it is she)
Come now my sisters and brothers of Mother Earth!
The Emperor and his evil HAARP minions has
made a critical error, and the time for our peaceful attack has come!
FLOID
(to KILNGIRL)
How the hell did she get to be Rebel leader?
KILNGIRL
(muttering back)
She’d been saying that random political
figures were going to seize power and declare
themselves Emperor for years…
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
GIRLSGOFISHING
On the planet Lords, our spies have infiltrated
one of the HAARP Imperials’ factories where
they force clones of famous England cricketers
to work in textiles and paint factories…
CHEWY
Heavens!
DOMINUSNOVUS
(puzzled)
Can anyone see where this is going?
GIRLSGOFISHING
(continuing)
Our spies were able to capture the plans to
the Imperials’ new battle station and get them out…
As she speaks, we cut to a dream/reminiscence sequence:
INT. – FACTORY ON LORDS
A group of ANDREW FLINTOFFS carry an enormous crate over to a production line. A
work gang of DAVID GOWERS use crowbars to open the crate. Another, consisting of
GEOFF BOYCOTTS, pulls the contents – cheap cotton T-shirts – out and hands
them to yet another gang, consisting of IAN BOTHAMS. One of the IAN BOTHAMS,
winking at the camera, pulls a disk out of his pocket labelled ‘Death’s Tar
Plans’ and hides it inside one of the shirts. The IAN BOTHAMS then begin
dipping the T-shirts in vats of pigment and hand them along to the next gang…
INT. – AWAY NIL – CONFERENCE CHAMBER
GIRLSGOFISHING
(seriously)
Many Bothams dyed to bring us this information.
A pause as half of the officers in the room scream in pain at the pun. Then
PISCES74 steps forward and speaks, as GBW operates the hologram projector to
show an image of the Death’s Tar orbiting the moon.
PISCES74
You can see here the Death’s Tar orbiting the
forest moon of Witchof. We hear that the Emperor
himself is overseeing the final stages of construction.
Murmurs spread through the audience.
GBW
Although the Death’s Tar is not yet operational,
it is currently protected by a giant shield projected
from the surface of the moon. This must be deactivated.
PISCES74
Then our fighters can simply fly through the exposed
superstructure to torpedo the power core.
HERMANUBIS
(grumbling)
Oh, great.
PISCES74
General Novussian has volunteered to
lead the fighter attack…
FLOID smirks at DOMINUSNOVUS
PISCES74
…in the Century Hawk.
FLOID stops smirking.
GBW
We’ve stolen a small Imperial shuttle,
the Siberian. We’ll use a secret
Imperial code to get through the defences,
then land on the moon and stage a daring
commando raid on the shield projector.
KILNGIRL
Who’d they find stupid enough
to try that one?!
GBW
General Floid, is your strike team assembled?
Everyone stares at FLOID in shock.
FLOID
(shrugging)
GBW plays good poker and I was already naked!
KILNGIRL
Too…much…information…
FLOID
I still need a crew for the shuttle.
CHEWY
I’ll come with you, old friend.
KILNGIRL
And me!
VOICE
And me!
Everyone looks up to see that LUAKEL has finally arrived, still dressed in his
flightsuit.
FLOID
Luak! Great to see you, buddy!
KILNGIRL
Luak!
KILNGIRL goes towards him to give him a hug; LUAKEL pales, screams and runs
away.
KILNGIRL
(puzzledly)
What was all that about?
FLOID
Well, I know this great deodorant store…
KILNGIRL slaps FLOID.
~~~
INT. – AWAY NIL – SHUTTLEBAY
The Away Nil’s shuttlebay is filled with a motley collection of
battered Rebel fighters and shuttles, including the Century Hawk, and
also the stolen Imperial shuttle Siberian. The shoe-shaped shuttle is
squeaky clean and looks incongruous among the other ships.
The group enters the bay and we see LUAKEL, KILNGIRL, CHEWY, the two politicals
and the Rebel strike team enter the Siberian. FLOID pauses beside
DOMINUSNOVUS at the Century Hawk.
FLOID
(warningly)
I want you to take good care of her.
Not a scratch, you hear me!
DOMINUSNOVUS
(spreading his hands)
Hey, she used to be my Katie.
I won’t let anything happen to her.
FLOID
You better not!
They shake hands and FLOID walks into the shuttle. DOMINUSNOVUS looks from side
to side edgily, then runs into the Century Hawk.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(VO)
God, my precious Katie,
how has the nasty Sudanases man ruined you?
(bits of technology begin flying out of the doorway)
Get rid of that, and that, and that…
INT. – SHUTTLE SIBERIAN – COCKPIT
The interior of the shuttle is frosted with ice and everyone is wearing
cold-weather gear. Their breath is visible as vapour.
FLOID
Why – why the hell is it so cold?
KILNGIRL
(sourly)
It was damaged when we captured it.
The air conditioning got stuck on full.
The PILOT, a Rebel officer, turns around and gives them a toothy grin. This is
SOYUZ.
SOYUZ
Hah, you call zis cold?
Back in muzzer Rrussia, ve vould call zis
an most charming geatvave, nyet?
Anyvon care for some vodka poured from
a samovar shaped like zer Kremlin?
KILNGIRL
(firmly)
Stop being so stereotypical and just
fly the damn thing!
SOYUZ
Oh, ferry vell.
He hits a switch and the shuttle rises from the deck.
FLOID
Let’s see what this piece of Imperial junk can do…
EXT. – SPACE – REBEL FLEET
The Siberian shoots out from the Away Nil’s landing bay and
zooms off into cyberspace.
EXT. – SPACE – DEATH’S TAR
We zoom in on the very top of the Death’s scythe and find that it forms a
great tower with a large round window…we float through the window to find…
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – EMPEROR’S THRONE ROOM
The dark throne room is dominated by GRIMM REAPER’s massive throne in which he
sits, perusing a stack of multinational newspapers. The huge round window shows
a view of the green moon of Witchof below, and the fleet of Thread Destroyers.
GRIMM REAPER is flanked by his two squads of amazon bodyguards. GAYDAR
approaches him as we watch.
GAYDAR
What is thy bidding, my master?
GRIMM REAPER
(glancing up)
$50,000 for that hat and no more, you hear me?!
GAYDAR
(sighing)
No, my master. What are your orders?
GRIMM REAPER
I’ll have one with anchovies and two with pepperoni-
GAYDAR
(abruptly)
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!!
GRIMM REAPER
Oh, right.
(thinks)
Send the fleet into the shadow of the moon to hide.
GAYDAR
What about the reports of the Rebel fleet
massing near Quebec?
GRIMM REAPER
(dismissively)
Soon they will be here, and caught
like rats in a trap.
GAYDAR
(distractedly)
I see…
GRIMM REAPER
(smiling)
And Slywanker will be ours.
GAYDAR
Of course.
GRIMM REAPER
Now, return to the Overcompensator
and await my orders.
GAYDAR
Thy will be done, my master.
GRIMM REAPER
Pardon? Speak English, man.
GAYDAR
(sighing)
Yes, sir.
(to himself)
Damned colonials.
EXT. – SPACE – WITCHOF
The Imperial fleet begins to move into its assigned position. The huge Super
Thread Destroyer Overcompensator is in the middle of the fleet.
As we watch, the shuttle Siberian comes out of cyberspace and flies
towards the moon Witchof, incidentally passing very close to the Overcompensator.
INT. – SIBERIAN – COCKPIT
The Rebels look worried at the proximity of the Imperial fleet.
FLOID
If they don’t go for this, we’ll
have to get out of here sharpish…
CHEWY
I’m on it, old bean.
Over the radio, we hear the voice of an Imperial ground controller, ALDROUD.
ALDROUD
(evil American accent)
Calling unknown shuttle…this is ground control
We have you on our scopes now…please identify.
FLOID picks up the radio and answers.
FLOID
(mimicking the evil American accent)
Ground control, this is, uh, this is –
LUAKEL
-Major Tom-
FLOID
(automatically)
-Major Tom-
(he stares in disbelief at LUAKEL)
commanding shuttle Siberian out of
Kazakstan…we are carrying medical supplies…
request deactivation of the deflector shield.
ALDROUD
Acknowledged, shuttle Siberian…
please give the correct authentication code.
FLOID
Right.
FLOID unfolds a scrap of paper, double-takes in disbelief, then shrugs and reads
it out loud:
FLOID
"I love the smell of Basil Rathbone".
ALDROUD
Acknowledged. Processing…
The Rebels look nervously at each other.
KILNGIRL
This better work...
SOYUZ
Eet veel vork.
LUAKEL stares at the Overcompensator as it gets closer. A troubled look
crosses his face.
LUAKEL
…I think Gaydar’s on that ship…
I’m endangering the mission, I shouldn’t have come.
FLOID
(not unkindly)
Shut up, kid.
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
We can see the shuttle passing overhead on the main screen. GAYDAR, who is
walking across the bridge, pauses and stares at it intently. Then he turns and
walks back toward the row of controllers where ALDROUD is sitting, ADMIRAL
DIAMOND leaning over his shoulder.
GAYDAR
Where is that shuttle going?
DIAMOND nods to ALDROUD.
ALDROUD
(into radio)
Shuttle Siberian, what is your destination?
FLOID
(over radio)
Ground control, we’re inbound for Witchof.
GAYDAR
(stroking his helmeted chin)
Hmmm…
(to ALDROUD)
Do they have a code clearance?
ALDROUD
(shrugs)
It’s an older code, sir, but it checks out.
I was going to let them through…
DIAMOND
Sir, do you want us to take…
direct action?
GAYDAR considers it, then shakes his head.
GAYDAR
No. Allow them to proceed.
I shall deal with this myself.
DIAMOND
(surprised)
As you wish, my lord.
GAYDAR stalks away. DIAMOND gives a nod to ALDROUD, then leaves as well.
ALDROUD
(into radio)
Shuttle Siberian, you are permitted to proceed.
ALDROUD clicks off the radio, then stares at his display.
ALDROUD
Hey, who changed the password to
‘the_hot_sensuous_scent_of_the_forbidden_love_fill
ed_her_delicately_sculpted_nostrils’ ?!!
The controllers on either side of ALDROUD turn to the camera and wink, revealing
that they are in fact DOCTOR WHAT and KITJED24 wearing false moustaches.
INT. – SIBERIAN – COCKPIT
FLOID
We’re a go!
Everyone cheers.
EXT. – WITCHOF
We see the Siberian plunging towards the surface of the green moon.
~~~
EXT. – FOREST LANDING SITE – WITCHOF
The Siberian has come down in a forest clearing. The landing doors are
down and the Rebel troops, all wearing Confederate grey uniforms (get it?!)
and absurdly large American football helmets that are about four times the size
of their heads, march out.
Another angle – the heroes lead the troops along a trail deeper into the
jungle.
Time passing music…
Focus on FLOID as he sweeps aside the tropical branches with a machete. He has
taken his shirt off and tied it around his forehead like a bandanna. Everyone is
visibly sweating, except CHEWY who has modestly undone the top button of his
waistcoat.
FLOID
Are you sure this is the right way?
KILNGIRL
(reading the map)
Positive.
LUAKEL
So where are we?
KILNGIRL
According to this we’re just
south of the Nemetski positions
on Lenin Square…
KILNGIRL looks puzzled, turns the map upside down, turns it the right way up
again. FLOID snatches it from her and rapidly scans it, then groans.
FLOID
This isn’t a map of Witchof!
This is a map of Stalingrad in 1942!
KILNGIRL
(spreading her arms defensively)
It was a mistake anyone could make!
FLOID
(muttering)
Typical woman…
LUAKEL
So where are we then?
FLOID
I suppose we’re…
FLOID slashes away a last branch and the column comes through the gap, to find
themselves facing the parked Siberian. They’re back in the clearing
where they started.
FLOID
Dammit.
(to KILNGIRL)
This is all your fault!
KILNGIRL
(folding her arms)
If that’s your attitude, I’m
going to go cry on Luak’s shoulder!
We hear a cartoonish ‘Vamoosh’ sound, and then everyone’s suddenly looking
around. LUAKEL has vanished.
KILNGIRL
Luak?
She looks down to see a pair of smoking boots, then up again. And up. And up…
LUAKEL
(VO)
Er, could someone help me climb
down from this tree?
FLOID
(cupping his hand to his mouth)
How did you get there in the first place?
LUAKEL
(VO)
I’m not sure. It happened so fast…
CHEWY
Don’t worry, I’ll soon get you down.
CHEWY pulls out his cricket bat and a ball, then whacks it into the air. We hear
a wet-sounding impact coinciding with:
LUAKEL
Aaaaargh!
LUAKEL hits the ground with a thud. Everyone crowds around him.
FLOID
Nice shot, Chewy!
CHEWY
Ta muchly, old chap.
LUAKEL
(weakly)
It’s a good job Master Kitjed
told me how to remove foreign
objects from one’s secret place…
PAULSPRING-D2
Bloople bleeple bleep!
C-LEO
Too much information, indeed.
They grab LUAKEL and carry on, in a new direction.
More time passes…
EXT. – WITCHOF – FOREST
As before. Now LUAKEL is holding the map in one hand and has his other hand
stretched out, holding a dowsing rod in an oddly limp-wristed gesture.
FLOID
(sceptically)
Are you sure this technique will work?
LUAKEL
(shrugs)
It worked on Gay-O-Bar…
Suddenly LUAKEL freezes.
FLOID
What is it?
LUAKEL
(tightly)
Imperials. Two of them. Up ahead.
KILNGIRL
(muttering)
I knew this was too easy.
CHEWY
Can’t we go around?
FLOID
It’d take too long.
(decisively)
Okay, Chewy and I will take care of them.
CHEWY
Roger wilco!
FLOID and CHEWY drop to their knees and sneak around through the trees while
KILNGIRL, LUAKEL and the politicals watch anxiously, with the Rebel troops
waiting in the background.
We switch to FLOID’s view – we can see two PORNTROOPERS sitting on
Harley-Davidson motorbikes covered with firework rockets and hairdryers attached
with sticky tape, and thus hovering along haphazardly. The Porntroopers are
wearing armour daubed with a green-and-brown camouflage pattern.
FLOID
(in a mutter)
I’ll take the one on the left,
you take the one on the right.
CHEWY holds up three, two, one fingers and then they both leap up. FLOID opens
fire with his gun, knocking a PORNTROOPER out of the saddle and blowing up that
bike, and CHEWY whacks another cricket ball into the second trooper – we hear
a terrific crunch and a truncated scream.
CHEWY
(smirking)
Who forgot his box this morning?
Go back to LUAKEL’s view –
KILNGIRL
(relieved)
They did it!
We hear the roar of two more engines and another pair of Porntroopers on flying
Harley-Davidsons shoot past.
KILNGIRL
(accusingly)
You said there were only two!
LUAKEL
(defensively)
It’s not exactly a scientific technique!
FLOID and CHEWY run back to them, towing the one surviving intact bike behind
them.
FLOID
(to the Rebel troops)
Why didn’t you shoot them?
We cut to FLOID’s point of view and see that all the Rebel troops have fallen
over under the weight of their absurdly oversized spherical helmets. FLOID
sighs.
LUAKEL
I’ll chase after them on this bike!
(simultaneously)
KILNGIRL
I’ll pursue them using the captured bike!
KILNGIRL and LUAKEL leap onto the seat simultaneously, KILNGIRL ending up behind
LUAKEL on the saddle, and LUAKEL opens the throttle, blazing away after the
troops. FLOID and CHEWY stand around watching.
FLOID
(half jokingly)
That Luak sure is going to some trouble
to try and steal my girl away from me!
CHEWY, with an odd expression on his face, fumbles around in his pocket, pulls
out a Swiss army knife and withdraws a fork from it, then looks at it puzzledly.
CHEWY
Why did I feel the urge to do that…?
EXT. – HIGH SPEED CHASE FOREST THINGY
LUAKEL has just realised that KILNGIRL is behind him.
LUAKEL
Erk.
KILNGIRL
(playfully slapping his shoulder)
Come on! We’re gaining on them!
LUAKEL
Errrk.
KILNGIRL
(shading her eyes)
I can only see one of them…
where’s the other gone?
LUAKEL
Errrrrrrrrk.
KILNGIRL
(laughing)
You’re a great conversationalist.
Strong silent type, eh?
(puts her hand on his shoulder)
I like that.
LUAKEL
ERRRRRRRKKKK!!!
A laserbolt zips by them. KILNGIRL turns around, cursing, to see that the second
Porntrooper is chasing them.
KILNGIRL
He must have laid in wait!
LUAKEL
Thank the Innuendo.
KILNGIRL
(smiling)
Now, to keep low, I’ll have
to snuggle even closer to you!
LUAKEL
(finally blows)
That’s it!
LUAKEL pulls his Sexsword from his belt and ignites it – the pink energy lance
becomes rigid – he hurls it behind him – it decapitates the Porntrooper and
that bike crashes into a nearby tree with an expensive explosion – he swerves
his own bike in a big circle, grabs the Sexsword out of the air – drives
forward back at the second Porntrooper, accelerates to full speed, then suddenly
slams on the brakes – as KILNGIRL cries and topples off, he goes hurtling over
the handlebars, lands on the back of the second Porntrooper’s cycle and cuts
off HIS head, and then brings that bike to a halt.
LUAKEL
(panting)
Done.
He looks down at his Sexsword and, to his horror, sees that the blade is
flickering green.
LUAKEL
No!
I gave into the Straight Side!
(troubled)
I’m a liability to this mission…
LUAKEL gets off the bike.
LUAKEL
I’d better find Kilngirl.
(shudders)
I’ll have to tell her, this can’t go on.
EXT. – WITCHOF – A FOREST CLEARING
FLOID and CHEWY have just righted all the Rebel troops, when LUAKEL comes back.
FLOID
Luak! What happened?
LUAKEL
(grimly)
I…dealt with them.
FLOID
(missing his tone)
Great!
(pause)
Where’s Kilngirl?
LUAKEL
We got…separated.
FLOID
(laughing)
I was worried I’d never
get you two apart.
LUAKEL
(going green)
Er.
If she didn’t come back here,
we’d better go and look for her…
EXT. – ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST
KILNGIRL is lying on the ground, unconscious. As we watch, a strange being comes
out of the forest: a short teddy bear-like alien carrying a primitive spear.
This is HIGHLANDER.
HIGHLANDER looks at KILNGIRL suspiciously and prods her with the spear. KILNGIRL
awakes – HIGHLANDER shrieks and jumps behind a log to hide.
KILNGIRL
(groggily)
I’ll kill that Luak.
HIGHLANDER
Diuqil yriaf neerg dlim htiw
ecaf ruoy sa tfos sa leef nac
sehsid od that dsnah!
KILNGIRL
(staring at him)
What?
HIGHLANDER
(gesturing vigorously with spear)
Ecnarusni rac ruoy no yenom
uoy evas dluoc llihcruhc!
KILNGIRL
(trying not to laugh)
You want me to follow you?
(shrugs)
I might as well.
HIGHLANDER
Yppah em etouq!
KILNGIRL walks away, following HIGHLANDER.
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – EMPEROR’S THRONE ROOM
GAYDAR enters. Two of GRIMM REAPER’s bodyguards, one a Republican and one a
Democrat, brandish their weapons at him. GAYDAR makes a certain gesture and the
two female bodyguards suddenly stare at each other, scream and run away from
each other.
GAYDAR
I’ve still got it.
GAYDAR marches down the centre of the room to the throne, which is turned away.
We can just make out GRIMM REAPER holding a phone in one hand and a newspaper in
the other.
GRIMM REAPER
(into phone)
Hello? Yes, is this the poll hotline?
Yes…I’d like to vote "No, I do not
believe polls are a meaningful or
reliable method of judging popular
opinion…" thank you.
GRIMM REAPER puts his phone down and winks at GAYDAR
GRIMM REAPER
No flies on me.
GAYDAR
No, my master.
GRIMM REAPER
(suddenly direct)
Why have you come here?
I ordered you to take command
of the Overcompensator.
GAYDAR
A small group of Rebels has landed
on Witchof and is plotting to
sabotage the shield generator.
GRIMM REAPER
(careless)
I know of this. What of it.
GAYDAR
(hesitantly)
My son is with them.
GRIMM REAPER
Ahh…
(smiles evilly)
Then go to the base on Witchof.
He will come to you.
GAYDAR
Are you sure?
GRIMM REAPER
(smugly)
I have foreseen it.
He shall come to you and
you shall bring him before me.
GAYDAR
As you wish.
GAYDAR sweeps his cape dramatically and is about to leave, when he pauses.
GAYDAR
Exactly how do you foresee all this?
GRIMM REAPER
(shrugging)
Gallup, of course!
EXT. – WITCHOF – FOREST
The Rebel group is walking through the forest, looking disconsolate.
FLOID
It’s no use, we’ll never find her.
LUAKEL
(muttering to himself)
I should be so lucky...
Suddenly, FLOID catches sight of a book tied to the end of a creeper or vine or
something, suspended from a branch.
FLOID
What’s that?
CHEWY
Obviously, the bait for some
sort of trap, old friend.
FLOID
Yeah!
(laughing)
Just as well we’d never fall for that…
(he reads the synopsis of the book)
‘In this long-awaited novel set in Europe during his celebrated
Great War timeline, Harry Turtledove will describe in detail the events
happening in the rest of the world using a variety of characters whose
history will not be unnecessarily repeated at all…’
A confused struggle as everyone tries to grab the book, then we hear a SPROING
sound and suddenly everyone is wrapped up in a massive net woven from vines and
creepers suspended from a branch.
LUAKEL
Dammit!
FLOID
Yeah, and to make matters worse,
I think this was ghostwritten by Harry Harrison…
EXT. – ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST
KILNGIRL, led by HIGHLANDER, pauses as she hears the reverberating screams of
the others.
KILNGIRL
This way!
HIGHLANDER
(grumbling)
Sey ho!
EXT. – BACK AT THE TREE
LUAKEL
I can’t reach my Sexsword…
FLOID
Don’t worry, I’ll think of-
The whole net falls to the floor, spilling everyone in a confused pile.
FLOID
…something…
KILNGIRL stands over them, smiling and holding a pocket knife.
KILNGIRL
Don’t worry, I’ve busted you out,
me and my new friend…
She pats HIGHLANDER on the head condescendingly . He goes visibly nuts and blows
a whistle.
All around them, HUNDREDS more of the teddybear like creatures emerge from
cover, carrying a variety of primitive weapons.
KILNGIRL
…and…all his friends…
C-LEO
Oh dear.
HIGHLANDER
(pointing at C-LEO)
Evahs amrub!
C-LEO
I say!
Er…
‘Ti nivol mi’.
Murmurs among the teddybears.
HIGHLANDER
Yadot og ot tnaw uoy od erehw?
C-LEO
‘Tuh eht tih!’
FLOID
What’s going on, Polyglot?
C-LEO
Oh dear. Their tribe is called
the Furries and they appear
to worship me as some sort of god.
FLOID
(grumbling)
Oh, great.
Next you’ll be telling us they’re
going to sacrifice us to you.
C-LEO
(worriedly)
Errr…
EXT. – WITCHOF – FURRY CAMPSITE – NIGHT
All the others are within a vast ‘Wicker Man’ type structure shaped like a
giant teddybear, while C-LEO is standing off to one side looking worried.
HIGHLANDER pulls out a flaming torch and begins to walk purposefully over to the
Wicker Teddybear.
FLOID
PolyGLOT!!
C-LEO
I’m sorry, Captain Floid!
KILNGIRL
C-Leo, if they worship you as a god,
can’t you just order them not
to set us on fire?
C-LEO
(shocked)
Oh, but that would be entirely
improper, Princess Kilngirl.
That’s exactly the sort of thing the GOP
would do to the poor unsuspecting voters…
FLOID
Just do it!
C-LEO
Oh, very well.
‘mialc a sereht
mialb sereht erehw’!
HIGHLANDER
(thinking about it)
Pop dna elkcarc pans!
C-LEO
Oh dear…
I think I mistranslated…
HIGHLANDER proudly presents C-LEO with a golden bowl filled with Woofo Chunks in
a savoury chicken gravy.
C-LEO
They actually think I’m some sort of dog…
LUAKEL
That’s the last straw!
We hear a whizzing, zapping noise, and in a complex pattern, the Wicker
Teddybear falls apart. LUAKEL is holding his Sexsword in an engarde position,
the others bringing up their guns and moving into a position to give enfilading
fire.
HIGHLANDER
(shocked)
Taerrrrrrrrrrrrrg eryeht!
FLOID
C-Leo?
C-LEO
(relieved)
They’ve changed their minds.
LUAKEL
I thought they might.
KILNGIRL hugs him.
KILNGIRL
My hero!
LUAKEL
(all in a rush)
Kilngirlyou’remysisterandIhavetoleavenowbecauseyou ’regrossingmeoutandDarthGaydarismyfatherandImustfa
cehimagainandthisalsomeanshe’syourfatherbutforsome reasonthiswon’tapparentlyoccurtoyouatallalthoughyo
umightthinkit’dbearatherstartlingrevelationandanyw ayI’moffnow!
LUAKEL vanishes in a blur of speed.
KILNGIRL
Pardon?
C-LEO
Would you like a slowed-down replay?
KILNGIRL
That would be nice…
EXT. – WITCHOF – IMPERIAL BASE – NIGHT
We see LUAKEL, already almost to the Imperial base, glance behind him as we hear
KILNGIRL’s outraged scream echoing through the night. He shivers.
~~~
EXT. – WITCHOF FOREST – IMPERIAL BASE
The steel and plastic of the Imperial base looks alien as it sits in the cloying
green forest. The base is built around a single massive satellite dish with ‘SkyPlanetaryShield+’
written on it: this projects the Death’s Tar shield. Landing pads surround it.
On the edges of the base are defensive laser cannon turrets and missile
launchers, which constantly sweep back and forth, their sensors searching for
intruders. Also, surrounding the base are a number of GOOGLE SPIDERS and other
Imperial vehicles, although they are obviously having some trouble with the
dense forest terrain. In addition, the humidity has caused them to rust about
certain joints and they move haphazardly. The Imperial vehicles have all been
repainted with a green and brown camouflage pattern.
As we watch, two vehicles approach the Imperial base: a giant FRAT-FRAT WANKER
as seen in Episode V, which slowly lumbers in out of the forest and towards a
hangar at the edge of the base; and the stiletto-heeled shoe-shaped shuttle of
GAYDAR, which descends from the heavens and comes to a perfect landing on one of
the landing pads.
EXT. – IMPERIAL BASE – LANDING PAD
DARTH GAYDAR steps down off the ramp of his shuttle. As he does, in the
background we see the FRAT-FRAT offload its own personnel and they come to meet
him: an Imperial officer, HASHEMITE, two Porntrooper guards, and LUAKEL, with
his hands tied behind his back. GAYDAR eyes LUAKEL and LUAKEL stares back
expressionlessly.
GAYDAR
Report.
HASHEMITE
My lord, this is the Rebel who surrendered
to us in the forest an hour ago…
HASHEMITE edges from side to side and starts scratching himself all over.
HASHEMITE
(in complaining tones)
Can I leave? I hate this planet with
its harmless mosquitos and its toilets that
don’t always flush on the first try and
its lack of room service within five minutes…
GAYDAR
(an order)
Silence!
HASHEMITE
(biting his lip)
Yes, sir.
(continuing)
He claims to be the only one, sir,
but I suspect there may be more.
Permission to conduct a further search?
GAYDAR
Granted…
LUAKEL looks worried.
HASHEMITE
He was armed only with this.
HASHEMITE picks up LUAKEL’s Sexsword and hands it to GAYDAR. As GAYDAR’s
gauntlet touches it, though, a brilliant green blade extends out and into the
right side of HASHEMITE’s chest. His eyes widen.
HASHEMITE
…hgg…
GAYDAR
There, NOW you’ve got something
worth complaining about.
As HASHEMITE totters away, bleeding from his side wound, GAYDAR examines the
Sexsword with interest. LUAKEL looks on.
GAYDAR
You have constructed a new Sexsword
to replace the one I took from you on Gaspin’…
Truly your skills are complete.
(turns to look at LUAKEL)
But your training is not.
LUAKEL
Master Kitjed disagrees.
GAYDAR
(startled, but trying to hide it)
Kitjed? That fool?
So he lives. No matter.
LUAKEL
(grimly)
Not any more.
In the background, the two Porntrooper guards briefly swivel up their faceplates
to reveal they are, of course, DOCTOR WHAT and KITJED24. They wink at us and
lower the faceplates again.
GAYDAR
Now I shall take you to the Emperor.
He has been expecting you.
LUAKEL
I know…father.
GAYDAR
So you have accepted the truth.
LUAKEL
Indeed…Landshark.
GAYDAR
(avoiding his gaze)
That name no longer has no meaning.
Mention it not.
LUAKEL
(earnestly)
It’s the name of your true self,
you’ve only forgotten…
GAYDAR
Nonsense.
LUAKEL
The Emperor couldn’t drive it from you fully.
That is why you couldn’t kill me on Gaspin’…
And why you won’t take me to the Emperor now.
GAYDAR
I…
LUAKEL
Come with me!
GAYDAR
(turning away contemptuously)
Doctor-What once thought as you do…
You don’t know the power of the Straight Side.
I must obey my master.
LUAKEL
(sadly)
Then my father is truly dead.
The two PORNTROOPERs put their hands on LUAKEL’s shoulders and steer him
towards GAYDAR’s shuttle. GAYDAR sweeps his coat dramatically and follows.
EXT. – WITCHOF FOREST – IMPERIAL BASE
The previous wide shot. We see the shuttle taking off and rising into the sky.
Pan down to show the Rebel group staring at the base.
C-LEO
Oh dear. He took Master Luak!
PAULSPRING-D2
Beeble bleep bloop.
C-LEO
Well true, at least Gaydar
left himself…
KILNGIRL
(grimly)
Gaydar being there would have
made a hard mission impossible.
Maybe that’s why…Luak sacrificed himself.
FLOID
Enough of this.
How are we going to assault it?
C-LEO
One of the Furries says there’s a
secret entrance on the northwest side.
FLOID
(hoisting his gun)
Then come on.
The lead Rebel trooper, SOYUZ, flips open his absurdly large spherical helmet.
SOYUZ
I haff an bad feeleenk about zees.
EXT. – SPACE – QUEBEC – REBEL FLEET
As before. The enormous but ramshackle Rebel fleet is assembled near the
blue-green planet Quebec. The huge ‘AWAY NIL’ is at the head of the fleet,
flanked by two more, smaller, Yer Lasagne cruisers called the ‘LIBERACE’ and
the ‘DE FIANCÉ’. As we watch, though, the tiny Century Hawk flies up
to the head of the fleet.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
DOMINUSNOVUS is in the pilot’s seat. The huge copilot’s seat, normally
occupied by CHEWY, is currently manned by a short being from the Quebecois alien
race, who looks tiny in the heart of the enormous seat. This is, of course, THE
UBBERGEEK. He speaks gibberish, but DOMINUSNOVUS appears to understand the
language.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(into radio)
Admiral Pisces74, we’re in position.
PISCES74
(VO)
Proceed with the countdown…
All attack groups to their preset coordinates.
DOMINUSNOVUS turns to THE UBBERGEEK.
DOMINUSNOVUS
Don’t worry, buddy.
My friends are down there, and they’ll
have that shield down in no time.
(to himself)
They’d better, or my precious Katie
will be destroyed with me in it…
THE UBBERGEEK
Vous capitalistes droitistes américains!
DOMINUSNOVUS
(laughing, slaps THE UBBERGEEK on the back)
You said it, bud!
PISCES74
(VO)
All craft, prepare to jump to cyberspace on my mark.
DOMINUSNOVUS
Stand by…
DOMINUSNOVUS and THE UBBERGEEK pull various control levers. The stars outside
begin to streak into blue hyperlinks.
EXT. – SPACE – REBEL FLEET
First the Century Hawk, then the Away Nil, and then every ship in the Rebel
fleet roars away into cyberspace.
EXT. – WITCHOF – NEAR IMPERIAL BASE
The Rebel strike force peep over a ridge and spot the ‘back door’, an
armoured airlock with only two Porntroopers guarding it.
FLOID
Only two guards, eh?
Piece of cake.
KILNGIRL
(warningly)
But it only takes one to sound the alarm…
FLOID
Then we’ll do this…quietly.
Chewy?
CHEWY
I’m on it.
FLOID and CHEWY tiptoe up behind the two PORNTROOPERS and put their hands just
above their shoulders. We zoom in and see a close-up of the junction between the
Porntroopers’ helmets and shoulders – there is a tuning dial for their
helmet radios. CHEWY holds up three, two, one fingers and then they both reach
out and twist the tuning dials to RADIO THREE.
The Porntroopers spin around, raise their rifles and are about to fire, when
they slowly stagger backwards and collapse against each other. We hear the faint
sound of peaceable snores emanating from their helmets.
FLOID
When I say quiet, I mean quiet!
KILNGIRL
Typical man.
The rest of the strike force comes from over the ridge. FLOID goes up to the
control panel next to the airlock, pulls out a piece of paper, frowns and
painstakingly taps in a code. The airlock door hisses open.
FLOID
Everyone in!
Let’s bust this joint!
The strike force hurry into the base.
EXT. – DEATH’S TAR – EMPEROR’S TOWER
We see the Emperor’s Tower at the very top of the scythe carried by the Death.
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – EMPEROR’S THRONE ROOM
GRIMM REAPER, still perusing all his newspapers and surrounded by three
Republican and three Democrat political amazon guards, looks up as GAYDAR and
the handcuffed LUAKEL enter. They walk up to the throne and GAYDAR bows to his
master while LUAKEL looks on steadily.
GRIMM REAPER
Howdy ho, Luaky my man!
I’ve been expecting you!
…though why I am mentioning this again when Gaydar has already told you and
if I can foresee so well then I should know that, I don’t know…
You’ll no longer need those.
GRIMM REAPER snaps his fingers; LUAKEL’s handcuffs glow red-hot and vanish
into a vaporous mist.
GAYDAR
Hey, I wanted those for later!
GRIMM REAPER looks at him warningly.
GAYDAR
(hastily)
…my lord.
GRIMM REAPER
(to LUAKEL)
I’m looking forward to completing your
training. In time you will call me…master.
LUAKEL
(defiantly)
You’re mistaken.
You won’t Convert me as you did my father.
GRIMM REAPER appears to ignore this. He rises from his throne, still flanked by
his beautiful female guards, and gestures to GAYDAR.
GRIMM REAPER
His Sexsword.
GAYDAR hands it over, a little reluctantly. GRIMM REAPER ignites it; LUAKEL
almost recoils in horror at how virulently green the blade produced it, a
reflection of the evil within the Emperor.
GRIMM REAPER
(examining the blade)
A Kitjedi’s weapon, much
like your father’s…
(turns to look at LUAKEL)
And like your father, you will soon be turned.
LUAKEL
(steadily)
You’re wrong.
Soon I’ll be dead, and you with me.
GRIMM REAPER
(laughs, then absently: )
Perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of
the fleet of your Rebel friends?
LUAKEL starts in surprise.
GRIMM REAPER
Oh yes. I know.
But we are quite safe from them here.
LUAKEL
Your…your overconfidence
is your weakness.
GRIMM REAPER
And your friends in faith schools is yours!
(slaps forehead)
Damn! Wrong issue! That gaff’ll haunt me
the rest of the campaign trail…
GAYDAR
(ignoring GRIMM REAPER)
It is pointless to resist, my son.
GRIMM REAPER
(turning back to LUAKEL)
Everything is working according to my own plan.
GRIMM REAPER gestures out of the huge round window towards the green sphere of
WITCHOF below.
GRIMM REAPER
Your friends down there are walking into a trap.
LUAKEL tries, unsuccessfully, to hide his surprise and horror.
GRIMM REAPER
As is your precious Rebel fleet!
It was I who allowed your Ian Bothams
to learn of the shield generator!
(intimately)
It is quite safe from your little friends.
You see, an entire legion of my best troops awaits them.
LUAKEL looks desperately from GRIMM REAPER to his Sexsword in GRIMM REAPER’s
hands, to GAYDAR to the planet and back again.
GRIMM REAPER
So…I fear that the shield will be
quite operational when your
fleet arrives… heh heh heh heh heh…
INT. – IMPERIAL BASE – COMMAND BUNKER
The Rebel strike force has spread out through the apparently deserted command
bunker. PAULSPRING-D2 and CHEWY are working away at a console.
FLOID
How’s it going?
CHEWY
Almost there, old chap.
We’ve nearly isolated the
auto-destruct command…
KILNGIRL
(grinning)
Why bother with explosives when
the dumb Imps will do the job for you?
HASHEMITE
(VO)
The dumb Imps are quite smart enough
to foil your pathetic plans…yew Rebel scum.
They look up to find that a huge force of PORNTROOPERS has silently filed onto
the room’s upper deck, led by HASHEMITE, and every door is guarded by more
PORNTROOPERS. The Rebels look from door to door desperately.
FLOID
Aw, crap!
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR WITCHOF
The Death’s Tar is just visible in the distance as the huge Rebel fleet comes
out of cyberspace.
INT. – AWAY NIL – BRIDGE
ADMIRAL PISCES74 is sitting on a bizarre chair-armature thing which swivels all
over the bridge. COLONEL GBW stands off to the side, examining a holographic
display. Underlings hurry around them and operate control panels.
PISCES74
(to himself)
Weeeee! Who knew Stannah
Stairlifts could be so much fun??
GBW
(coughing)
We’ve arrived, sir.
PISCES74
Oh, sorry.
PISCES74 stops playing with the controls for his chair.
PISCES74
(an order)
All fighters deploy.
EXT. – SPACE – REBEL FLEET
Huge clouds of fighters launch from the hangar bays of the various cruisers and
begin to form up around the Century Hawk at the head of the fleet.
INT. – AWAY NIL – BRIDGE
GBW
All wings report in!
INT. – VARIOUS COCKPITS
We go on a montage of different fighter cockpits as each pilot reports in:
HERMANUBIS
Red
MAX SINISTER
and Yellow
OTHNIEL
and Green
G.BONE
and Brown
MERRYPRANKSTER
and Scarlet
HERMANUBIS
and Black
MAX SINISTER
and Ochre
OTHNIEL
and Peach,
G.BONE
Ruby
MERRYPRANKSTER
and Olive
HERMANUBIS
and Violet
MAX SINISTER
and Fawn
OTHNIEL
and Lilac
G.BONE
and Gold
MERRYPRANKSTER
and Chocolate
HERMANUBIS
and Mauve,
MAX SINISTER
Cream
OTHNIEL
and Crimson
G.BONE
and Silver
MERRYPRANKSTER
and Rose
HERMANUBIS
and Azure
MAX SINISTER
and Lemon
OTHNIEL
and Russet
G.BONE
and Grey,
MERRYPRANKSTER
Purple
HERMANUBIS
and White
MAX SINISTER
and Pink
OTHNIEL
and Orange and
ALL
BLUE!!!
INT. – AWAY NIL – BRIDGE
GBW
Who picked these squadron colours?!
PISCES74
(defensively)
So I like musicals!
The vast force of fighters, led by the Century Hawk, pushes on towards
the Death’s Tar.
~~~
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
PISCES74
(VO)
May the Innuendo be with us.
THE UBBERGEEK
Les fundamentalistes capitalistes américaines
DOMINUSNOVUS
(laughing)
Too right.
(over radio)
Preparing for attack run.
DOMINUSNOVUS flicks some switches and we see various weapon targeting HUDs come
online. He looks up through the cockpit windows, sees the Death’s Tar looming
up before them as the fighter force plunges forth. He looks pensive.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(to THE UBBERGEEK)
Do the sensors confirm the shield is down?
THE UBBRGEEK
Les américains aimes les tirs
DOMINUSNOVUS
(confused)
What?
But how could they be jamming us, since…
A look of sudden, profound horror crosses DOMINUSNOVUS’ face.
DOMINUSNOVUS
…since they…don’t know we’re coming?
DOMINUSNOVUS snatches up the radio handset and yells into it:
DOMINUSNOVUS
Break off the attack! The shields are still up!
INT. – HERMANUBIS’ COCKPIT
HERMANUBIS is flying a Sex-Wing.
He frowns, glancing at his displays, then speaks into his radio.
HERMANUBIS
I get no reading – are you sure?
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
DOMINUSNOVUS
(decisively)
This is an order!
Pull up, all craft, pull up!
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR DEATH’S TAR
We see the massive force of Rebel fighters, led by the Century Hawk, heading for
the Death’s Tar – then the Century Hawk pulls up, heading off at a tangent.
The rest of the fighters hesitate, then follow…but a few of the more sluggish
Bi-Wings and DoubleD-Wings cannot quite make the turn in time…and as they
cross an invisible line, they suddenly burst into flames as they are vaporised
by the shield…
INT. – AWAY NIL – BRIDGE
PISCES74 is studying a sensor display.
PISCES74
Curses! Novussian is right!
The shield just took out six of our fighters!
GBW
Admiral! I’m getting new readings –
Enemy ships in sector 47, coming out
from behind Witchof…
PISCES74 slams his fists down on his chair armrests in frustration, incidentally
activating controls that send his armature whizzing over to GBW and he hangs
upside down from the chair, his face bare inches from GBW’s.
PISCES74
(spitting in GBW’s face)
Specifics!
GBW
(recoiling)
At least twenty Imperial Thread Destroyers.
Correction, thirty…no, forty!
And…
GBW gulps.
GBW
One Super Thread Destroyer.
The Overcompensator.
PISCES74
Gaydar’s own flagship…
Can I do my line?
GBW
One moment.
(hastily puts up the hood on his uniform)
Go ahead.
PISCES74
(yelling)
It’s a trap!
EXT. – SPACE – REBEL FLEET
We get a view of the Rebel fleet, the fighter force a short distance away
returning from the Death’s Tar and, appearing from behind Witchof, the
enormous Imperial fleet, which is at least twice the size of the Rebel one. As
we watch, the Overcompensator and many of the smaller Thread Destroyers
open their hangar bays and begin deploying wave after wave of Thai fighters,
which roar away towards the Rebel fighter force…
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
THE UBBERGEEK
Les nouvelle-conservatifs américaines.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(cursing)
You’re right.
Fighters at three o’clock!
EXT. – SPACE
The Rebel fighters crash into the larger Imperial force and are almost
overwhelmed by the sheer number of Thai fighters.
INT. – MERRYPRANKSTER’S FIGHTER
MERRYPRANKSTER is flying a DoubleD-Wing. As we watch, his cockpit canopy fills
with oncoming Thai fighters spraying green laserfire from their fake breasts,
four of them coming straight at him alone.
MERRYPRANKSTER
(desperately)
There’s too many of them!
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
DOMINUSNOVUS
(an order)
Accelerate to flank speed!
We have to draw their fire
away from the capital ships.
Punch through and out the other side!
HERMANUBIS
(VO)
Copy, General Novussian.
DOMINUSNOVUS strokes his control panel and looks up at the oncoming Thai horde.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(in a murmur)
Together to the end, my Katie.
(to THE UBBERGEEK)
OPEN FIRE!
THE UBBERGEEK
Je n’aime pas les tirs, mais si
c’est absolutement requirée…
THE UBBERGEEK grabs the controls for the laser cannons and begins blasting away
at Thais whilst emitting a disturbing cackle.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(a bit worriedly)
That’s the spirit.
EXT. – SPACE – FIGHTER BATTLE
The Century Hawk leads the fighters in a rearguard attack on the Thai horde as
the Imperial pilots take aim at the Rebel capital ships.
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – EMPEROR’S THRONE ROOM
The battle outside is visible through the huge round window, with the huge Overcompensator
and, to a lesser extent, the Away Nil being distinct amidst the flashes
of laserfire.
GRIMM REAPER, flanked by his six amazon guards, GAYDAR and LUAKEL watch on.
GRIMM REAPER
You see it yourself, boy.
The Alliance fleet is burning before your eyes.
Soon nothing will be left of your pathetic Rebellion.
LUAKEL glances at the Sexsword GRIMM REAPER still holds. GRIMM REAPER smiles.
GRIMM REAPER
You want this, don’t you?
You want to strike me down,
end my evil reign.
(softly)
Then do so, and your journey
to the Straight Side will be complete.
LUAKEL
I want to…but I shall resist.
GRIMM REAPER
(smiling)
You just need a little more…encouragement.
Take it away, girls!
The six guards, three Republicans in red skintight jumpsuits and three Democrats
in blue, put down their weapons and step forward. GAYDAR picks up a guitar lying
against one wall and begins playing raunchy music. LUAKEL backs away nervously
as the six guards surround him and begin sensuously laying their hands all over
his body.
LUAKEL
…erk?
GRIMM REAPER
(as though talking to someone else)
As of yet, Bob, we are seeing no surprises,
with red states remaining red and blue blue…
but that’s about to change…
Up close, LUAKEL can see that the guards’ skintight jumpsuits are in fact made
up of lots of tessellated segments, each in the shape of an appropriate U.S.
state (eg the Republicans have segments in the shape of Texas, Alabama, etc
and the Democrats have those in the shape of Massachusetts, California and so
forth). And as he watches, the guards begin to slowly peel them off one by
one, revealing that the naked flesh below is body-painted in the reverse colour,
ie red on the Democrats and blue on the Republicans.
GRIMM REAPER
Yes sirree, there’s nothing like
a goddamned landslide swing to
enliven an election night…
LUAKEL begins swaying from side to side, sweat trickling down his forehead with
effort, as the girls begin rubbing the newly exposed parts of their bodies
against his.
GRIMM REAPER
(looking back at LUAKEL)
And tonight, Bob, there’ll be one
state swinging all the way to the Straight Side.
LUAKEL
N…n…no…
GRIMM REAPER
(grinning)
It is pointless to resist when there
is no blood left in your brain,
my young apprentice.
And indeed it appears that LUAKEL is stumped.
Although it may just be an effect of the dim lighting.
EXT. – WITCHOF FOREST – NEAR IMPERIAL BASE
The Rebel strike force, including FLOID, KINGIRL etc, are led out of the base
with their hands behind their heads by the Imperial division led by HASHEMITE.
In case they get any funny ideas, two Imperial GOOGLE SPIDERS are nearby,
training their cannons on them.
HASHEMITE
(brashly)
Keep moving!
FLOID
Yeah yeah.
(glancing at KILNGIRL)
Plan B?
KILNGIRL
Plan B.
Suddenly the forests burst open with a giant army of FURRIES! Led by HIGHLANDER,
the indigenous teddybear like aliens wield their primitive swords, spears, log
battering rams, improntu hang gliders, rock catapults and other weapons, and
prepare to do battle with the Imperials!
HIGHLANDER
(yelling the battle cry)
Tah a teg daeha teg ot tnaw ouy fi!
HASHEMITE
(dispassionately)
Open fire.
With almost contemptuous ease, the small force of highly trained Imperial
Porntroopers, in their camouflage armour and powerful laser rifles, kills the
entire Furry army within ten seconds, the energy bolts tearing into the
teddybears before they can even blink. Not one of the little aliens is left
alive. The GOOGLE SPIDER drivers are left with nothing to do, although they
blast a few of the corpses into smaller bits for fun.
HASHEMITE
Not bad, Two Squad,
but you might want to spend
a little more time on the practice range.
PORNTROOPER
Yes, sir.
(puzzledly)
According to my helmet feed,
the Empire’s popularity has just tripled
throughout the Galaxy…
HASHEMITE
(smiling)
Indeed.
KILNGIRL glances at FLOID, who shrugs.
FLOID
Oh well.
KILNGIRL
Plan C?
FLOID
(confused)
What’s Plan C?
KILNGIRL twitches her right leg and smiles. FLOID draws back and reflexively
crosses his legs.
FLOID
You’re so evil.
KILNGIRL
I know.
HASHEMITE
(coming over)
You! What are you doin-
KILNGIRL whirls around and kicks him in the crotch so hard that his eyes pop
out, land on the ground nearby, and are replaced by his ahem love globes as they
shoot up from inside. HASHEMITE goes staggering back into the bunker, clutching
randomly at anything he can hold, and manages to grab a nearby control panel.
The one CHEWY was using earlier, showing the legend AUTODESTRUCT SEQUENCE…HANDPRINT
IDENTIFICATION?
As HASHEMITE touches the control panel, we hear:
IMPERIAL COMPUTER
Autodestruct confirmed.
Beginning preliminary destruction
of vehicles attached to this base
to prevent them falling into enemy hands.
HASHEMITE lets out a cry of horror and the two GOOGLE SPIDERS suddenly self
destruct – we hear similar, more distant explosions as the other vehicles do
so.
IMPERIAL COMPUTER
…Destruction of helmet comlinks…
The PORNTROOPERS’ helmets all blow up. Most of them immediately fall over and
the Rebel troops tackle them before they can rise again. A few elite
Porntroopers manage to stay upright; SOYUZ grins, takes off his own, enormous
spherical helmet and hurls it like a bowling ball. The Porntroopers go toppling
like pins.
IMPERIAL COMPUTER
Base destruct in one minute.
FLOID
Let’s get out of here!
KILNGIRL
(massaging her knee)
You’re welcome.
FLOID
Sorry. I’d thank you, but
I don’t want to think about it.
KILNGIRL
Typical man.
The Rebels hurry away, letting out a ‘YEE-HAWWW!’ as they leave behind the
intermixed corpses of Imperials and Furries.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
The battle rages on. THE UBBERGEEK continues blasting away and cackling in a
disturbing fashion.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(into radio)
Red, Black, Violet, Mauve, Azure and White Leader?
HERMANUBIS
(VO)
I’m here.
DOMINUSNOVUS
Watch yourself!
Three squadrons coming in from above!
INT. – HERMANUBIS’ COCKPIT
HERMANUBIS glances up and nods.
HERMANUBIS
(into radio)
Copy.
Mauve Six, Red Four,
Violet Exponential Function of Two Times The Square Root Of Pi,
watch my six!
INT. – MONTAGE OF COCKPITS
HERMANUBIS’ pilots frown, pull out calculators, fiddle with them for a while,
then nod and take up their controls again.
EXT. – SPACE
HERMANUBIS’ battle group of Sex-Wings successfully cuts off one of the Thai
squadrons and quickly destroys it with a volley of Lenin torpedoes.
INT. – HERMANUBIS’ COCKPIT
HERMANUBIS
(into radio)
Good work!
(glances at scanner, curses)
The others are heading for the medical frigate!
EXT. – SPACE – MEDICAL FRIGATE
As seen at the end of the last film. The Thai fighters attack the frigate, doing
a scattering of damage. The Sex-Wings manage to take out a few of them.
INT. – MEDICAL FRIGATE – SICKBAY
TORQUMADA notices the battle happening outside, sighs to himself, goes over to
an eye-laser treatment machine and yanks it free from the wall. He walks over to
the window and waits for a Thai fighter to come past. One approaches…
TORQUMADA
Does this hurt? How about…now?
He fires the laser, which penetrates the window and Thai cockpit. We see the
Thai pilot scream, clap his hands over his eyes, and go crashing into a second
Thai fighter. TORQUMADA smirks.
EXT. – SPACE – MEDICAL FRIGATE
The Century Hawk rises from the other side of the frigate and takes out a large
number of the Thais with THE UBBERGEEK’s gunnery. HERMANUBIS’ Sex-Wings
manage to take the rest.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
THE UBBERGEEK and the pilots (via radio) let out a ragged cheer. But
DOMINUSNOVUS looks troubled.
DOMINUSNOVUS
Only the Thai fighters are attacking.
I wonder what all those Thread Destroyers
are waiting for…
EXT. – SPACE – IMPERIAL FLEET
The fleet, dominated by the huge Overcompensator, holds steady a short
distance away from where their fighters are engaging the Rebel fleet.
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
ADMIRAL DIAMOND stands on the bridge, with a series of little holograms to one
side showing the captains of the various accompanying Thread Destroyers.
AUSSEY HOLOGRAM
I wonder what we’re all waiting for.
DIAMOND
Our orders are to hold here.
FENWICK HOLOGRAM
We’re not going to attack.
DIAMOND
We don’t need to.
I have my orders from the Emperor
himself. He has something…special
planned for the Rebel fleet.
An Imperial lieutenant, DUQUENSE, steps up to DIAMOND.
DUQUENSE
Orders, sir?
DIAMOND
Hold here. And activate the
thread-locker generators.
RAHARRIS74 HOLOGRAM
We only need to keep them from escaping?
DIAMOND
And chew the bones of whatever’s left
after the Emperor’s finished with them…
The Imperials grin nastily at each other.
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – EMPEROR’S THRONE ROOM
LUAKEL is standing rock-still and sweating profusely as the now completely naked
female guards continue to caress his form, their own sweat beginning to streak
their body paint. GRIMM REAPER and GAYDAR watch, GAYDAR still playing raunchy
music on his guitar. Suddenly GRIMM REAPER raises his hand and brings it down.
The girls withdraw and go back to GRIMM REAPER; GAYDAR puts his guitar down.
LUAKEL looks around, his eyes displaying the hunger that he won’t admit to
himself.
GRIMM REAPER
I have decided to take them away from you!
But they can be yours forever if you shall
just strike me down now…
LUAKEL
(almost incoherently, staring at the girls)
N…o…
GRIMM REAPER
So be it. Perhaps you will change
your mind when you witness
the might of this fully armed and
operational battle station!
(into radio)
Fire at will, Commander!
LUAKEL’s eyes widen.
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – COMMAND CENTRE
SHADOW KNIGHT
Commence firing.
Various controllers pull more ridiculous Seventies controls.
EXT. – SPACE – DEATH’S TAR
Crackles of white lightning flicker around the eye sockets of the Death figure,
then snap into two brilliant beams that go hurtling into the night…
EXT. – SPACE – REBEL FLEET
The two jets of light converge on the Rebel cruiser Liberace and it is
completely vaporised.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK COCKPIT
DOMINUSNOVUS
That blast…it came from the Death’s Tar!
That thing’s operational!
INT. – AWAY NIL – BRIDGE
PISCES74 and GBW look on grimly.
PISCES74
We saw it. All craft, prepare to retreat…
GBW
Sir, we can’t. The Imperial fleet
has surrounded us and powered up
thread-locker generators.
We can’t escape into cyberspace.
PISCES74 stares at the tactical hologram and nods grimly as he sees GBW is
right.
PISCES74
Our cruisers can’t repel firepower
of that magnitude…
GBW
We don’t have any choice.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(VO)
Floid will get that shield down, Admiral.
We just have to give him time.
PISCES74 stares at the image of the currently dormant-looking Death’s Tar.
PISCES74
If we have time to give.
EXT. – WITCHOF FOREST
The survivors of the Rebel strike force run away into the jungle, the Imperial
base visible behind them. FLOID turns around and looks, then the others look
within him. CHEWY looks at his watch.
CHEWY
Five…four…three…
INT. – IMPERIAL BASE – COMMAND BUNKER
We see the displays counting down to zero. But a hand grabs at the control panel
and manages to hit CANCEL. Camera pans down to reveal this is the battered
HASHEMITE. He manages a weak smile and then finally collapses.
EXT. – WITCHOF FOREST
CHEWY
…two…one…
A long pause. Nothing happens.
FLOID
Crap! It didn’t work!
CHEWY
(thoughtfully)
But I have another idea.
CHEWY pulls out a mobile phone and dials.
CHEWY
Hello? Yes, is that BBC 2?...
EXT. – SPACE – BATTLE
The Imperial fighters continue to swarm the Rebel fleet, destroying capital
ships by the death of a thousand cuts, and taking out fighters one-on-one.
Another set of blasts from the Death’s Tar lances out and destroys the Rebel
cruiser De Fiancé.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
DOMINUSNOVUS stares at the battle worriedly. Beside him, THE UBBERGEEK continues
to blaze away.
DOMINUSNOVUS
Closer…
We have to get closer and engage
those Thread Destroyers at point-blank range!
Not even the Imps will fire on their own ships!
PISCES74
(VO)
We won’t last long against those Thread Destroyers.
DOMINUSNOVUS
We’ll last longer than we will against that Death’s Tar!
And maybe even take a few of them with us!
EXT. – SPACE – BATTLE
The Rebel capital ships move closer to the Imperial ships and begin firing. The
Death’s Tar ceases firing for fear of hitting their own ships. Rebel fighters
break off from the Thais and begin attacking the Imperial capital ships.
Focus on a force of Bi-Wings and DoubleD-Wings as they engage the Thread
Destroyer QUOTING WIKIPEDIA. They let fly with a volley of Lenin
torpedoes that batter down the lower shields. The Quoting Wikipedia
blasts back with its cannons and destroys several fighters, then wings the lead
DoubleD-Wing, piloted by MERRYPRANKSTER.
INT. – MERRYPRANKSTER’S COCKPIT
Everything is on fire and coming apart around him
MERRYPRANKSTER
(shouting)
I’m hit I’m hit I’m-
EXT. – SPACE – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA
The DoubleD-Wing manages to penetrate the weakened shields and slams into the
Thread Destroyer’s bulbous main reactor with a terrific impact explosion.
INT. – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA – BRIDGE
Alarms are sounding and display control panels flickering with red lights. Steam
and sparks are flying from the consoles.
A LIEUTENANT
(shouting)
Captain, the main reactor’s breached!
CAPTAIN FENWICK
(shouting)
All hands, abandon ship!
Repeat, all hands, aban-
The screen goes white.
EXT. – SPACE – QUOTING WIKIPEDIA
The mighty Thread Destroyer’s reactor detonates, tearing the ship completely
apart. The explosion takes a few nearby Rebel fighters with it; those remaining
push on to attack the next Thread Destroyer alone – the Flamewar.
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – EMPEROR’S THRONE ROOM
LUAKEL watches the battle. The naked female guards surround GRIMM REAPER.
GRIMM REAPER
Your fleet is lost. Your friends
will not survive. There is no escape,
my young apprentice.
LUAKEL stares at him, the rage showing in his eyes.
GRIMM REAPER
(smiling)
Take your weapon! Strike me down!
Let the Straight Side flow through you!
LUAKEL continues to resist, but is on the very edge.
GRIMM REAPER
In that case…
Guards, put on your burqas.
LUAKEL
(finally blows)
NOOOOOO!!!!
LUAKEL grabs his Sexsword, ignites it and slashes at GRIMM REAPER, the blade
flickering with green as well as pink. But before it can touch, GAYDAR has
parried the blow with his own Sexsword. The two blades are crossed before GRIMM
REAPER’s face. GRIMM REAPER lets out a cackle at his final victory.
~~~
EXT. – DEATH’S TAR – SURFACE
From the surface of the Death’s Tar, we look up at the battle raging in the
sky between the closely engaged Rebel and Imperial ships…another Thread
Destroyer, the Bigotry, detonates as we watch but is closely followed by
two Rebel frigates. From the haze in the sky and the twinkling stars it is
obvious that the Death’s Tar, like its predecessor the Death Tsar, is massive
enough to have an atmosphere clinging to its surface.
Pan down to reveal two determined figures half-walking, half-climbing the
metallic surface. They pause occasionally to gulp supplemental air from oxygen
masks. One of the figures sighs and sits down on a small gun turret, breathing
heavily. The other turns and beckons to him.
DOCTOR WHAT
(for it is he)
Come on – only another couple of miles.
KITJED24
(groaning)
You’ll wear this new body out.
DOCTOR WHAT
(winking)
I’m just that kinda guy.
KITJED24
(grinning)
Of course you are. [/center]
KITJED24 grabs DOCTOR WHAT’s outstretched hand and helps him pull him to his
feet. The two continue onwards.
We zoom out to reveal that they are, in fact, climbing up to the top of the
scythe…
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – EMPEROR’S THRONE ROOM
GAYDAR and LUAKEL are engaged in a Sexsword duel far more vicious even than the
one in the last film. Their blades zip back and forth, neither capable of
gaining an advantage. GRIMM REAPER watches, fascinated.
GRIMM REAPER
Good…good…let your hatred flow
as though you were an election blogger!
LUAKEL grits his teeth and ignores GRIMM REAPER. He disengages from GAYDAR,
leaping backwards and landing on a mezzanine above.
GAYDAR
Doctor-What has taught you well.
LUAKEL
I will not fight you, father.
GAYDAR
(viciously)
If you do not kill then you will be killed.
GRIMM REAPER
(raising a hand)
No!
I shall give him no option but to shed blood!
Guards!
GRIMM REAPER’s naked amazon guards suddenly cluster around LUAKEL and GAYDAR
as GAYDAR walks slowly up to LUAKEL on the mezzanine. LUAKEL hesitates, then
wields his Sexsword to block a blow from GAYDAR. GAYDAR brings his own Sexsword
around in an arc aimed at circumventing LUAKEL’s defences, but it incidentally
slices through one of GRIMM REAPER’s bodyguards. The woman falls in two pieces
on the floor. LUAKEL stares at her in horror, then barely manages to block
GAYDAR’s next slash. In doing so, he has to bring his own Sexsword around at
an angle that passes close to another of the guards – he tries to minimise the
damage, but still slices her hand off, and due to trying to avoid her, his
defence is worse than it might be – the impact of GAYDAR’s blow knocks him
far back. LUAKEL stares around him in horror; the remaining guards look on
blankly.
GRIMM REAPER
(cackling)
Good…good…
EXT. – SPACE BATTLE
HERMANUBIS’ fighter battle group fires a last volley of Lenin torpedoes at the
Imperial Thread Destroyer Flamewar and it explodes. Meanwhile, a Rebel
cruiser, on fire and being torn apart by Thais, manages to move close enough to
a second Thread Destroyer, the American Politics, and cripples it when
the cruiser explodes.
The Century Hawk races across the screen, taking out several Thais
chasing HERMANUBIS’ squadrons.
INT. – HERMANUBIS’ COCKPIT
HERMANUBIS sees a Thai explode high overhead and nods.
HERMANUBIS
(into radio)
Thanks for the assist, General.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
DOMINUSNOVUS looks tired and battle-worn; THE UBBERGEEK has now wrapped himself
lovingly around the turret-cannon controls and refuses to let go.
DOMINUSNOVUS
No problem, Red, Black, Violet, Mauve, Azure and White Leader.
(sighs)
Floid had better get that shield down soon…
INT. – WITCHOF – IMPERIAL BUNKER
The bunker is as we saw it before, with the recently deceased body of HASHEMITE
on the floor, his hand still lying on the control panel where he managed to
abort the self-destruct. But a second, elderly-looking, hand enters the picture
and pushes HASHEMITE’s dead hand aside.
VOICE
(very very rapidly)
I’lltakethatifyoudon’tmindyoungman.
We see a pair of the hands tapping away at a control panel and a message comes
up: DISH REORIENTING…
VOICE
(muttering)
Whycan’ttheyuseatypewriterlikeeveryonelse…
EXT. – WITCHOF FOREST
The Rebels are still watching anxiously. The dish starts to turn.
CHEWY
Yes!
The group cheers.
C-LEO
I’m afraid I don’t understand –
what have you done?
FLOID
Simple, Polyglot. We don’t need to
blow up the shield dish, just turn it
away from the Death’s Tar…
And Chewy found someone who’d do it for us.
INT. – IMPERIAL BUNKER
We finally see the mysterious figure as he sits down in front of a large
computer display and addresses the camera: an elderly man with a monocle and a
xylophone by his side.
SIR PATRICK MOORE
(for it is he)
HelloandwelcometoTheSkyAtNight.
Todaywe’llbeusingthisveryveryadvanced
newradiotelescope, tolookatinterstellarobjects
over FOUR, HUNDRED, THOUSAND, MILLION
milesaway, which is veryveryinteresting indeed!
He clicks a button and the computer display cycles through several different
starmaps.
SIR PATRICK MOORE
AndherewehavetheconstellationofCasterberus,
averyveryfinesupernovathereyou’llnote, andhere
wehaveanimageoftheAndromedaGalaxy, andhere
wehave…anupsidedownpictureofavaseofdelphiniums.
Well, nevermind, nevermind!
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – EMPEROR’S THRONE ROOM.
LUAKEL, desperate to escape killing the guards, leaps off the mezzanine again.
GAYDAR looks around, but can’t find him. The radar dish on his helmet begins
rotating, emitting a beeping noise.
GAYDAR
Come out. You can’t hide forever.
LUAKEL
(VO)
Try me.
GAYDAR
Your thoughts betray you.
You care very much for those
in danger down on Witchof,
especially your…
(significant pause)
Sister! Well, Doctor-What kept
this from me. But now his failure is
complete…if you will not turn
to the Straight Side…perhaps she will.
LUAKEL
(suddenly raging)
Never!
LUAKEL suddenly drops from above, slashing wildly with his (now green)
Sexsword at GAYDAR from behind. GAYDAR attempts to come around to parry, but is
too late. LUAKEL slices off GAYDAR’s right hand, but it explodes in a
collection of machine parts. As he does so, GAYDAR claws at LUAKEL’s Sexsword
hand with his remaining gauntlet and manages to rip away part of the artificial
skin on his own mechanical hand. But GAYDAR falls to his knees, wheezing.
GRIMM REAPER
(cackling)
You have done it, my young apprentice!
Now strike down your father and take
his place at my side!
LUAKEL stares down at his green Sexsword and at the exposed gears in the back of
his mechanical hand, then at the fallen GAYDAR’s own robotic hand, and then
over to the mezzanine where he just accidentally cut off the hand of one of
GRIMM REAPER’s guards. He realises that he is being pulled into the same cycle
again, and his eyes burn with a sudden resolve. He switches off his Sexsword,
but as he does so, we see that it begins to go pink again.
LUAKEL
No.
GRIMM REAPER
What?!
LUAKEL
You’ve failed, your Majesty.
GRIMM REAPER
That’s-
(checks a diary)
"Your Imperial Superiorityness", until
midnight anyway.
LUAKEL
(ignoring him)
I’ll never turn to the Straight Side.
For I am a Kitjedi, like my father before me.
GRIMM REAPER
Isn’t that a bit of stupid example, considering
your father DID turn to the Straight Side?
LUAKEL
But it sounds so dramatic!
GRIMM REAPER
(eyes glowing evilly)
Then so be it…Kitjedi.
INT. – AWAY NIL – BRIDGE
GBW is staring at a hologram display.
GBW
Admiral! The shield projector has been
moved away! The Death’s Tar is unprotected!
PISCES74
Finally!
(into radio)
All groups, commence attack on the
Death’s Tar’s main reactor!
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
DOMINUSNOVUS
(into radio)
Sure thing, Admiral.
All remaining fighter groups, to me!
(to THE UBBERGEEK)
Told you they could do it!
THE UBBERGEEK
(dreamily)
J’adore mes tirs…
DOMINUSNOVUS
Never mind.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR DEATH’S TAR
The Century Hawk, followed by about twenty fighters, aims for the main
barrel-shaped part of the Death’s Tar and dives through an exposed section of
superstructure. Several Thai fighters plunge in after them.
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – EMPEROR’S THRONE ROOM
GRIMM REAPER
(decisively)
If you will not be turned,
then you will be destroyed!
GRIMM REAPER throws out his hands, and from them come two POLLING GRAPHS, one
red, one blue, which flicker up and down like lightning bolts and plunge forth
onto LUAKEL. LUAKEL throws up his hands and tries to deflect them with a shield,
at first successfully. GRIMM REAPER snarls and fires a large, glowing pie chart
from one hand, which blasts away the shield and lets the polling-graph lightning
rage over LUAKEL’s body. LUAKEL drops to the floor and screams.
GRIMM REAPER
You are nothing before the power of
the Straight Side!
LUAKEL
I…don’t…believe…in…polls!
GRIMM REAPER
You will die, young Slywanker.
GRIMM REAPER steps forward, intensifying the pressure on LUAKEL. As he does so,
he steps in front of the prone shape of GAYDAR.
GAYDAR looks up blearily and looks through the big round window, at the battle
visible beyond, but then two black silhouettes cross his vision…
They put on a light to reveal they are KITJED24 and DOCTOR-WHAT LOMBARDI.
DOCTOR-WHAT gives him a cheesy grin and double thumb’s-up. GAYDAR appears to
blink, then gives a tired nod.
KITJED24 holds up a placard reading ‘YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO’
DOCTOR-WHAT holds up a placard reading ‘I WANTED TO DRESS UP AS SOME OF THOSE
FEMALE GUARDS’
KITJED24 holds up a placard reading ‘WHY ARE YOU USING A PLACARD TO TALK TO ME?!
DOCTOR-WHAT holds up a placard reading ‘I DIDN’T WANT SHARKY TO MISS OUT ON
OUR WITTY BANTER’.
GAYDAR groans and rises from the floor. But he is Darth Gaydar no longer: he is
LANDSHARK SLYWANKER.
LUAKEL
Father, please…
GRIMM REAPER
No-one can save you n-
LANDSHARK
I’ve been waiting to do this for twenty years!
(he grabs GRIMM REAPER, the polling lightning flashing over him)
TAKE THIS, YOU BLOODY COLONIAL!
LANDSHARK hurls the screaming GRIMM REAPER down a convenient reactor shaft, then
collapses next to the still twitching LUAKEL.
EXT. – DEATH’S TAR – SURFACE
KITJED24 and DOCTOR WHAT are still watching from outside.
KITJED24
(curses)
They’ve collapsed.
DOCTOR WHAT
So we do something dramatic.
KITJED24
Okay!!
They swing their feet against the window, smash through and land in the throne
room. KITJED24 grabs LUAKEL and DOCTOR WHAT grabs LANDSHARK; they both move for
the lift. DOCTOR WHAT pauses by one of the remaining female guards, who is still
staring in insensate horror at the reactor shaft.
DOCTOR WHAT
My card.
KITJED24
Not now, Bruno!
DOCTOR WHAT grins apologetically and they get into the lift.
EXT. – DEATH’S TAR SUPERSTRUCTURE
The Century Hawk and its accompanying fighters, being slowly whittled
away by the Thais following, plunge deeper into the heart of the great battle
station.
INT. – HERMANUBIS’ COCKPIT
HERMANUBIS
General, I’ve got a power reading…
It’s off the scale. At coordinates 244.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
DOMINUSNOVUS
Gotcha. Should be the power generator.
(into radio)
You and you, turn around and go back –
take out as many of those Thais as you can.
INT. – OTHNIEL’S COCKPIT
OTHNIEL
Copy, General Novussian.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
Through the cockpit windows, we see OTHNIEL’s Sex-Wing and G.BONE’s Gay-Wing
cross the Century Hawk’s path and go flying back the other way. Two
Thai fighters explode behind them, and molten parts rain down on the Century
Hawk. DOMINUSNOVUS winces.
DOMINUSNOVUS
My poor Katie…
That was too close.
THE UBBERGEEK
Oui, certainment!
DOMINUSNOVUS presses on, only one fighter now accompanying the Hawk –
HERMANUBIS’ Sex-Wing.
EXT. – SPACE BATTLE
The battle rages on.
INT. – AWAY NIL – BRIDGE
PISCES74 oversees the battle while GBW checks the tactical hologram again.
GBW
We’ve got to give those fighters more time.
PISCES74
(nodding)
Concentrate all fire on that Super Thread Destroyer!
EXT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR
Several Rebel cruisers focus their fire on the massive Imperial flagship,
tearing chunks in its hull and battering down its shields. A host of
DoubleD-Wings, escorted by MAX SINISTER’s Gay-Wing, fire a volley of torpedoes
that blasts apart one of the shield-projector dishes on top of the ship’s
bridge.
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
The bridge is even more chaotic than before, with steam, smoke, leaks etc., and
half of the tactical captains’ holograms have gone to static – those ships
have been destroyed. ADMIRAL DIAMOND is struggling to maintain control.
DUQUENSE
Sir, we just lost our bridge deflector shield.
DIAMOND
(biting his lip)
Full power to auxiliaries.
DUQUENSE
Power transfer conduits are blown…
DIAMOND
Then intensify forward firepower.
I don’t want anything getting through…
EXT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
The Overcompensator’s guns blaze away at the Rebel fighters, taking out
several DoubleD-Wings, but also winging MAX SINISTER’s Gay-Wing. The fighter
turns in an uncontrolled spin back towards the bridge…
INT. – MAX SINISTER’S COCKPIT
The camera view is rapidly spinning with the fighter.
MAX SINISTER
Für die Republik!
Aaaaaaaarrrrgghhh…
INT. – OVERCOMPENSATOR – BRIDGE
DIAMOND sees the fighter coming.
DIAMOND
(yelling)
INTENSIFY FORWARD FIREPOWER!
DUQUENSE
Too late!
The Gay-Wing slams into the bridge windows, crashing through and exploding. We
see chunks of molten debris and razor-sharp shards of the window blast through
DIAMOND, DUQUENSE and everyone else, killing them instantly.
Then the tape stops, everyone frozen and a FIGURE walks on…
FIGURE
(annoying nasal American accent)
Now it’s clear to me that this is a
case of glorifying terrorism, specifically
the 9/11 attacks, and we must ask
‘why does Thande hate America’-
The FIGURE glurks and falls over, revealing THANDE standing behind him with a
smoking gun.
THANDE
Because you can’t make a decent meat pie!
THANDE winks, steps off screen, and the scrolling tape resumes.
EXT. – SPACE – OVERCOMPENSATOR
The great ship, its bridge on fire and its engines out of control, begins to
ponderously turn towards the Death’s Tar, its gravity pulling it in. As it
does so, the vast Overcompensator slams into several smaller Imperial
Thread Destroyers – its size meaning it is barely affected by the impacts –
and crushes them beneath it.
INT. – AWAY NIL – BRIDGE
Everyone breaks into cheers as the Overcompensator crashes into the Death’s
Tar and detonates, taking half of the figure of Death with it.
INT. – DEATH’S TAR – SHUTTLEBAY
Chaos, with Imperial officers running everywhere like headless chickens. The
camera shakes as the Overcompensator impacts. KITJED24 and DOCTOR WHAT
enter, dragging LUAKEL and LANDSHARK behind them.
KITJED24
They’re coming around.
DOCTOR WHAT
Let him do his thing.
KITJED24 and DOCTOR WHAT hide. LUAKEL and LANDSHARK awaken.
BOTH
(simultaneously)
Hey, thanks for dragging me to the shuttlebay…
er…?
LANDSHARK
(decisively)
Luak, you must help me take this mask off.
LUAKEL
But you’ll die.
LANDSHARK
Nothing can prevent that now.
I want to see you once with my own eyes.
Hesitantly, LUAKEL takes off the mask, to reveal LANDSHARK’s features behind.
LUAKEL
Whoa, being in that suit for years
has made you anaemically white!
LANDSHARK
Actually, I was anaemically white to start with…
LUAKEL
Come on…I’ve got to save you…
LANDSHARK
(smiling)
You already have.
And tell your sister you were right.
LUAKEL, his eyes tearing, is about to leave when LANDSHARK beckons him back
again…
LANDSHARK
And while I’m at it, do you have
the Test Match scores?
LUAKEL
Er…no…?
LANDSHARK
(sighing)
By the Innuendo, I’ve begot a damned colonial.
LANDSHARK fades away. LUAKEL shakes his head and piles into a nearby Imperial
shuttle, which flies away.
Then LANDSHARK reappears, taking the One Ring off his finger. KITJED24 and
DOCTOR WHAT emerge from their hiding place, grinning at him.
LANDSHARK
It worked!
DOCTOR WHAT
Nice going!
KITJED24
(laughing)
I wonder if Reaper ever realised
we’d planned it this way from the start.
LANDSHARK
Him? Nah, never.
He always thought this Empire was HIS idea.
The Englishman, Welshman and Canadian grin at each other.
DOCTOR WHAT
Come on, Sharky.
A packet of Tunes ought to see you right.
LANDSHARK
I got tired of making that asthmatic voice years ago…
KITJED24 and DOCTOR WHAT hoist up LANDSHARK and drag him into another shuttle.
DOCTOR WHAT
Are they casting Episode VII yet?
KITJED24
I thought it had been cancelled.
LANDSHARK
What? Bugger that!
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay!
KITJED24
Hey, stop infringing on my territory!
LANDSHARK
Dammit I’ve missed you blokes.
The second shuttle takes off and flies away.
EXT. – HEART OF THE DEATH’S TAR
The Century Hawk and HERMANUBIS’ Sex-Wing plunge onwards. In the
distance, the giant hourglass-shaped reactor core is visible.
INT. – HERMANUBIS’ COCKPIT
HERMANUBIS looks at his displays, and frowns.
HERMANUBIS
(into radio)
General? This is weird…
I’m picking up two sources of power.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
DOMINUSNOVUS
Well, I can see the main core.
Maybe the second signal is a secondary?
You take it out.
HERMANUBIS
(VO)
Copy, General Novussian.
EXT. – HEART OF THE DEATH’S TAR
The Century Hawk plunges onwards towards the Core, while HERMANUBIS’
Sex-Wing peels off and heads in one direction.
We zoom in to find GRIMM REAPER is hanging by his hands from a support spar just
above the inferno of the power core, looking angry.
GRIMM REAPER
(yelling over the roar of the power core)
That backstabbing limey!
GRIMM REAPER spots the Century Hawk heading for the main reactor and his
eyes narrow. He takes one hand off the spar and aims it at the Century Hawk,
preparing to fire his polling lightning.
Then he hears a different, closer roar, and turns around to find that HERMANUBIS
is, ‘True Lies’ style, hovering his Sex-Wing behind him. HERMANUBIS smirks,
waves through the cockpit canopy, and pulls a trigger.
GRIMM REAPER
Nooooooo-
A Lenin torpedo explodes in his face.
INT. – CENTURY HAWK – COCKPIT
HERMANUBIS
(VO)
Target destroyed.
DOMINUSNOVUS
Good job.
(to THE UBBERGEEK)
Ready the Puloutya’ass missiles!
THE UBBERGEEK
Oui, mon general!
DOMINUSNOVUS
FIRE!
THE UBBERGEEK
(pressing triggers)
TIREZ!
EXT. – HEART OF THE DEATH’S TAR
The Century Hawk fires several Puloutya’ass missiles, which we have
never seen it use before and will never see it use again, at the power core. We
see the detonation and the top part of the hourglass come crashing down into the
second, despite the fact that there is obviously no gravity.
The Century Hawk and HERMANUBIS’ Sex-Wing both turn around and hurtle
out of the Death’s Tar as it begins to explode.
INT. – AWAY NIL – BRIDGE
GBW
Confirmation from General Novussian, sir.
PISCES74
Move the fleet away from the Death’s Tar!
EXT. – DEATH’S TAR
The mighty battle station detonates in an unimaginably titanic explosion. The
shockwave doesn’t do too much damage to the Rebel fleet, which has already
begun to move away, but the Imperial fleet is slower and loses several more
ships. The remaining 20 or so Thread Destroyers turn around and prepare to
retreat.
Racing just ahead of the explosion wavefront are the Century Hawk,
HERMANUBIS’ Sex-Wing, and two Imperial shuttles…
INT. – AWAY NIL – BRIDGE
Everyone breaks out in a cheer.
EXT. – WITCHOF FOREST
The Death’s Tar explosion is clearly visible in the sky. The group on the moon
cheer.
FLOID
(pumping his arm in triumph)
They did it!
KILNGIRL
(pumping her arm in triumph)
We won!
CHEWY
(pumping his arm in triumph)
Frodo!
The others look at him strangely.
CHEWY
Sorry, wrong film.
C-LEO, shading his eyes with his hand, looks upward and frowns.
C-LEO
Oh my! What’s all this?
The others look again and see that red-hot molten chunks of Death’s Tar are
racing down through the atmosphere like meteorites…one of them, trailing a
compression wave of smoke, strikes over to the west, and creates a shockwave
that knocks them to the floor. They scramble back up and see that it has set the
forest alight.
FLOID
Well, that’s one thing they didn’t put in the synopsis.
C-LEO
Oh dear! This will surely destroy
the ecosystem and lead to the death
of all the Furries!
FLOID
I knew there was a bright side.
KILNGIRL
C’mon, let’s go back into the
Imperial base, it’s armoured.
The others nod and they return to the Imperial base. More chunks of Death’s
Tar come crashing down around them, creating more impact craters.
We now see a montage of images from planets around the Galaxy as they celebrate
the fall of the Emperor…
EXT. – ARRAKISIMEANTATOOINE – ARRAKEENIMEANMOSEISLEY
The denizens of Arrakeenimeanmoseisley stop stabbing and robbing each other for
a moment to cheer, then go back to doing so.
EXT. – GASPIN’ – THE GOLFTEE
The people of the Golftee let out a rousing cheer before the Imperial troops
Gaydar left there in Episode V come out and mow down the crowds a la Tiananmen
Square.
EXT. – NAJOISEY
The people of planet Najoisey, both humans and Irritatingungans, come out to
celebrate.
EXT. – UNILEVERCAN – PLAZA
One of the capital planet Unilevercan’s enormous city plazas, with giant
skyscrapers. As we watch, a crowd of people topple a statue of GRIMM REAPER and
throw shoes at it.
INT. – WITCHOF – IMPERIAL BASE
Everyone has come down to celebrate. In the skies above, we see Rebel fighters
putting on a firework display. All around them, the forest is either on fire or
already burnt out, and the shrunken, mangled corpses of both Imperials and
Furries lie everywhere. GBW, a chef’s hat on over his naval cap, has the
remains of HIGHLANDER on a spit and is turning them over a campfire, licking his
lips. PISCES74, sweating in the heat, is playing cards with DOMINUSNOVUS and THE
UBBERGEEK.
KILNGIRL runs into FLOID, both of them holding drinks.
KILNGIRL
So we finally did it.
FLOID
Princess…
KILNGIRL
(laughing)
Will it always be titles with you and me?
FLOID
(confused)
What do you mean?
KILNGIRL
Aren’t you going to offer to elope?
FLOID backs away.
FLOID
What?! Marry into YOUR family?
I don’t think I could take the incessant
incest and fallouts with your parents…
KILNGIRL
(laughing)
Oh, you typical man.
She grabs FLOID by his tie and drags him, unresistingly, away.
LUAKEL goes out into the night…
EXT. – BURNT REMAINS OF WITCHOF FOREST
LUAKEL
I would burn something, but
it would seem a bit ridiculous
what with all this.
LUAKEL turns around and sees the glowing forms of DOCTOR WHAT, KITJED24 and
LANDSHARK grinning at him. He grins back, and returns to the party in the
Imperial base.
DOCTOR WHAT
This glow in the dark makeup is good, isn’t it?
KITJED24
(smirking)
Is that story true, of where you found it?
LANDSHARK
Of course, I was there.
(sighing)
It was a long time ago,
in a galaxy far, far away…
Zoom down to a pinpoint, and run credits.
__________________
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