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LUAKY
COMMER
and the Stoned Philosopher
By: Thande ta Kirinrenor
With apologies to JK Rowling
~~~
EXT. – SUBURBAN STREET – NIGHT – DAY
The streets are totally deserted, though lights are on in the houses and the
lampposts illuminate the street.
A bright explosion of light appears in the middle of the street and forms into
the shape of DOCTOR WHAT, who materialises – upside down. He lands on his head
and crashes to the ground.
DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering)
Dammit! Forgot I was apparating
from Australia!
DOCTOR WHAT picks himself up and pulls out a strange, vaguely phallic object
made of plastic. He fiddles with it and, with a grinding sound, it emits a jet
of darkness which he points at each of the lampposts in turn; their lights fade.
He nods to himself and puts the gadget away.
We see that DOCTOR WHAT is wearing wizards’ robes, but in a strange
Hawaiian-shirt pattern, and instead of a proper pointy hat, just has a glittery
conical party hat on his head.
A cat appears from behind a bush; DOCTOR WHAT turns to it. We focus on him, but
see the cat’s shadow on the wall as it suddenly grows into a human shape.
DOCTOR WHAT
(eyes faraway)
Mm…Cat Woman…
IRONYUPPIE
(VO)
Snap out of it, B-man!
She steps forward into the light, dressed like Red Sonja. What is obviously the
tail of a mouse hangs from the corner of her mouth.
DOCTOR WHAT
(gesturing to his own mouth)
Er, you’ve got…
IRONYUPPIE impatiently brushes it away.
IRONYUPPIE
(seriously)
Are the rumours true, Bruno?
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, from what I heard, there
were actually only TWO vats of
custard and SIX cheerleaders…
IRONYUPPIE
Not that!!
What about the boy?!
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, THAT.
(seriously)
I’m afraid it’s true – ALL of it.
For better or for worse.
DMA is bringing him now.
IRONYUPPIE looks faintly aghast. As she opens her mouth to speak, a giant
motorbike roars down from the sky and pulls up between them with flaming tyres.
Seated upon it is DMA, with a rakish Australian hat with corks, and holding a
bundle.
DMA
(impenetrably thick Aussie accent)
G’day, Brune! I gotcha the little bastard,
’e’s slept like an arseing baby!
IRONYUPPIE
He IS a baby, Dave.
DMA
Oh yeah! Well, ain’t that AMAZING?!
DOCTOR WHAT diplomatically takes the bundle from DMA and stares at it.
IRONYUPPIE
Bruno, are you really sure it’s for
the best to leave him with these people?
It won’t be easy for him…
DOCTOR WHAT
(absently)
Life rarely is, Erikka.
DOCTOR WHAT scribbles what at first appears to be a quick note, then the scrap
of paper concertinas into a much longer scroll and he furiously writes thousands
of words.
IRONYUPPIE
(peering over his shoulder)
Is it really necessary to include
your skydiving story?
DOCTOR WHAT
(seriously)
It’s compulsory reading.
Finally DOCTOR WHAT puts the bundle, with the hugely long note, on the doorstep
of a house, then steps back and looks.
DOCTOR WHAT
(faraway voice)
Good luck, Luaky Commer…
~~~
CAPTION: "TEN YEARS LATER"
INT. – LUAKEL’S ROOM – DAY
LUAKEL, now aged eleven, is sitting in a gold plated, diamond encrusted swivel
chair, while in front of him is a modern computer. He is clicking away at
websites.
LUAKEL
(muttering)
I’m so deprived…this is only a
56K connection, and the albino
tiger rug is second-hand!
Someone bangs on the door and opens it – we see it is WARD.
WARD
GET YOUR HEAD OUTTA YOUR ASS, BOY!
It’s Chingo’s birthday and you ain’t gonna spoil it!
LUAKEL
(sighing)
Yes, Uncle Ward.
INT. – SITTING ROOM – DAY
WARD looks on, scowling at LUAKEL, as CHINGO360 (also aged eleven) tears
frantically away at huge, expensively wrapped packages.
CHINGO360
Lemme see…that’s…
CHINGO360 pulls a calculator from his pocket and fiddles with it for a bit.
CHINGO360
That’s only thirty-four thousand gifts!!!
WARD
That ain’t all, Chingo my boy.
We’ve arranged for Luaky to be
your indentured servant for the
rest of his natural life.
LUAKEL
Wha?!
WARD
‘Course, that may not be for long.
CHINGO360
Cool.
LUAKEL
(to himself)
S’not fair…
WARD clips LUAKEL around the earhole.
WARD
(harshly)
Life ain’t fair, boy!
Suddenly, in the fireplace, a swirl of green light appears.
CHINGO360
Yay! Santa! More presents!
He runs toward the light, but when he hits it, is thrown back, hits WARD, and
both of them fall back onto the sofa. We now see that CHINGO360 has an ‘Error:
Not Found’ message tattooed onto his forehead.
LUAKEL
What’s going on?
He gingerly walks towards the light. As he does, a giant figure steps out of it:
DMA. He is slightly greyer than when we saw him before.
DMA
Luaky me old chum!
Strike a light, it’s bonza to see ya!
LUAKEL
Er…what?
DMA
Flippin’ eck, mate!
Still, ya were only a chiddler like,
so I won’t hold it against ya!
(nudges LUAKEL suggestively)
Know what I mean?!
LUAKEL
Er…no…?
DMA
Fine, she’ll be right.
You, my son, are invited to…
(we hear a distant fanfare)
The AH.COM School of Alternate History!
LUAKEL
The what?
DMA
(staring at WARD)
You never told him?
WARD
Hell no.
That boy’s screwed up enough.
DMA
Fair dos.
Okay, Luaky, gotcha letter?
LUAKEL
Aren’t you supposed to bring it?
DMA
Don’t come the raw prawn!
Get with the times!
We emailed it.
LUAKEL
Okay!
LUAKEL pulls out his BlackBerry and sorts through the messages.
LUAKEL
Oh yeah…I thought that was
a Nigerian banking scam.
DMA
I told What we shouldn’t put
our admin headquarters in Lagos,
but would the galah listen?
WARD
You taking him away?
DMA
You gonna do something about it?
WARD
Hell no.
I’ll pay you to take him off my hands.
CHINGO360
(whining)
But what about my indentured slave?!!
WARD
I’ll go pick one up at Wal-Mart.
DMA
(to LUAKEL)
It’s settled then, mate.
Off we go to London!
LUAKEL
But this is Ohio.
DMA
Oh yeah.
In that case…London, Ontario!
They both step into the green fire and vanish.
***
EXT. – LONDON, ONTARIO – DAY
LUAKEL is staring around him in wonder as DMA walks beside him.
LUAKEL
This place! It’s…amazing!
The people! The things!
DMA
We haven’t got to the magical bit yet.
LUAKEL
I know, but…Canadians! How weird is that!
DMA sighs and pulls out a cricket bat. He walks up to a brick wall, twirls the
bat in a complex fashion as though drawing a rune in midair, then just swings it
and smashes the wall down.
DMA
In we go, mate!
They walk through the hole in the wall to find:
EXT. – COINCIDENT ALLEY – DAY
A street filled with strange looking shops and bustling with people.
DMA
Welcome to Coincident Alley!
Where nothing is so implausible
it doesn’t have a price!
LUAKEL
Wow!
DMA
Here’s ya list, mate.
I’m off to have a stubby
with me old cobber Bruce!
DMA leaves.
LUAKEL
Good!
(puzzledly)
I think…
LUAKEL glances at his list.
LUAKEL
Right! First, I need…let’s see…
The Atlas of Alternate History, by J. Diamond;
How to Write Timelines More Detailed Than OTL, by K. Wilhelm III;
and Why There Aren’t Enough Confederate Timelines, by R. Perkins…
LUAKEL turns and walks into ‘J DIAMOND’S BOOKSTORE; EST. 1979’.
…time passes…
LUAKEL walks out of the bookshop with an enormous pile of books that obscure his
face. Behind him, DIAMOND leans out of the door and begins ruffling a huge sheaf
of U.S. banknotes.
DIAMOND
(singing)
I’m in the money,
I’m in the money…
LUAKEL consults his list again.
LUAKEL
Now, I need my official AH uniform…
LUAKEL walks into ‘THE REPUBLICAN TAILOR’S’.
INT. – TAILOR SHOP – DAY
LUAKEL stares around the stuffy shop. He walks up to the counter but there is
no-one there. He turns around puzzledly and stares back at the door again –
upon which DOMINUSNOVUS silently rises behind the counter directly behind him.
DOMINUSNOVUS
Hello sir!
LUAKEL
(jumping up and round with surprise)
Er – hello…
DOMINUS
And how are we today sir?
LUAKEL
Er – um – fine, I suppose…you?
DOMINUS
Radiant, sir, radiant.
Now you’d be looking for an
Alternate Historian’s uniform, yes?
LUAKEL
Er – yes?
DOMINUS
How about a toga? I like togas.
DOMINUS holds up an absurdly skimpy Roman toga.
LUAKEL
Er – no?
DOMINUS
(a bit huffily)
No-one ever wants a toga these days.
All right – how about this?
DOMINUS holds up an Elizabethan suit.
LUAKEL
Tights and ruff?!
DOMINUS
(cackling to himself)
Yep, that’s the way I like ‘em!
LUAKEL
Er no, the suit.
DOMINUS
(snaps back)
Oh yes.
Then how about this?
DOMINUS holds up an FBI agent’s uniform circa 1950.
LUAKEL
(relieved)
That’ll do fine!
DOMINUS
Very good sir.
DOMINUS pulls out a tape measure and begins rapidly measuring LUAKEL.
DOMINUS
Were you out with a lady last night sir?
LUAKEL
No…
DOMINUS
Good good, leaves more for the rest of us!
DOMINUS leaves for the back room. LUAKEL shudders and stares vacantly at the
wall. Then the door opens and another figures comes in – it is BORAT, also
aged eleven.
BORAT
(banging on the counter)
Shop!!
Come here you inbred moron!
DOMINUS comes back and stares at BORAT testily.
DOMINUS
Yes, sir?
BORAT
(thumbing an imaginary gun at DOMINUS)
That’s ‘yes, O Lord High Panjandrum of the Fictional Khanate!’
DOMINUS
Whatever…
DOMINUS leaves again.
BORAT
(staring contemptuously at LUAKEL)
So you’re new as well.
If you’re very lucky, I might let you
be my personal valet.
LUAKEL
(to himself)
Same ol’, same ol’…
BORAT
(intimately)
If you know what you are doing,
you will make sure you fall in with
the…right kind of people.
House Miseryguts people.
LUAKEL
(to himself)
I think not…
BORAT
(sneering)
Very well underling, I shall see
you at AH.com.
BORAT leaves. LUAKEL shivers. DOMINUS returns.
DOMINUS
Good, that awful Uzbek has gone.
Now sir, here’s your clothing and
you should cross my palm with gold.
LUAKEL
(frightened)
Er…you mean…?!
DOMINUS
(patiently)
I mean I want paying.
LUAKEL
(relieved)
Thank God.
EXT. – COINCIDENT ALLEY – DAY
LUAKEL has obviously been doing more shopping. As well as the huge pile of books
and the wrapped up FBI outfit, he is holding a massive globe, whose countries
change every few seconds; a large butterfly net with the attached notice ‘Spartans
win in 430 BC and a recognisable US in 2000 – guaranteed!’; and a tinfoil
hat with a coathanger sticking out of the top.
DMA emerges from a nearby shop. He has a black eye and is holding a mug of beer.
DMA
Stone the crows, mate!
You’ve been busy.
DMA pokes LUAKEL in the chest, rocking him back several feet.
DMA
But you forgot the most important thing!
You need your Podder.
Can’t be an Althistorian without your Podder.
LUAKEL
Where can I get that then?
DMA
Follow me, cobber.
INT. – ZOOMAR’S PODDER SHOP – DAY
Even dustier than the last shop. LUAKEL, DMA and ZOOMAR, the owner, are standing
there as LUAKEL picks up first one Podder, than another. The Podders are vaguely
wand-like devices with hourglasses, fob watches and sundials attached to them.
Nothing happens as LUAKEL waves the Podders.
LUAKEL
(dispiritedly)
Are you sure I’m an Althistorian?
ZOOMAR
(determinedly)
I’ll find the Podder for you if it kills me!
LUAKEL picks up yet another Podder. This time, it flashes with blue sparks and
emits a jet of fire that flies across the room and forms itself into the shape
of a – walrus? – which abruptly becomes real and solid. It blinks at them,
then keels over and dies.
ZOOMAR
(excitedly)
Sea Lion!
That’s the Podder for you, my boy.
DMA
(grin)
Not a successful one, though, eh?
ZOOMAR
Come off it, DMA, even Doctor What
couldn’t do a successful Sea Lion first try.
DMA
If you believe the official record…
ZOOMAR takes the Podder off LUAKEL to wrap it, then freezes as he stares at it.
ZOOMAR
My God…
DMA
What?
ZOOMAR
This is a limited edition set.
There’s only one other…
The other gave Luaky here his scar.
DMA
What?!
LUAKEL
What scar?
DMA
(absently)
The one on your backside.
LUAKEL
I have a scar there?!
ZOOMAR
So it’s true that You-Know-Who,’Boy
zapped him while his parents were
changing him?
LUAKEL
What?!!
DMA
Look, Luaky – maybe I should explain, mate…
INT. – GRAND CENTRAL STATION – NEW YORK – DAY
DMA and LUAKEL are sitting in a café, slurping Cokes.
LUAKEL
So…what about it?
DMA
Luakel…
Fifteen years ago, this Althistorian went bad.
I mean real bad, mate.
Confederate-Nazi-Aztec triumvirate TLs were
peanuts compared to what he was dishing out.
LUAKEL
What was his name?
DMA
I don’t like to say it, even now…
Okay…
MIKE COLLINS.
(shudders)
Don’t make me say it again.
LUAKEL
What happened?
DMA
Well, good old Doctor What sicced the
Moderators on him, of course. But they
didn’t know what he’d found…
LUAKEL
What?
DMA
You-Know-Who,’Boy had found the original Podder
of Ian the Great, the Founder of AH.com.
According to legend, it had the ability to
Ban people from AH, condemning them to
the bleakness of OTL…and it was true!
LUAKEL
And he used it?
DMA
On every Moderator Doctor What sent
after him. And then he started targeting
ordinary Althistorians…
(shudders)
Your parents were the last two.
LUAKEL
(shocked)
My parents?!
DMA
Stuck in OTL, mate. I’m sorry.
But when he tried to Ban you, a miracle happened!
It bounced back and hit him!
You’re the only one ever to survive a Ban!
LUAKEL
So Mike – I mean You-know-who –
he Banned himself?
DMA
So they say. But I wonder if there was
enough real AH left in him for him to be truly Banned.
Can you be Banned if you were never really a Member?
LUAKEL shivers.
DMA
Anywho, it’s time for you
to be going, mate. Train’s at
platform Pi. See you at AH.com!
LUAKEL
(staring at his ticket)
What?
But DMA has vanished.
***
INT. – GRAND CENTRAL STATION – NEW YORK – DAY
LUAKEL is standing between platforms 3 and 4, staring alternately at each.
LUAKEL
What the heck…?
Then he spots a crowd of about 30 people jostling at the barrier in between. He
blinks, and we see half of them have gone.
LUAKEL
Wait!
LUAKEL runs toward the crowd and speaks to the nearest person in it – 11yr old
OTHNIEL.
OTHNIEL
Hi, what’s up?
LUAKEL
How are you getting through the barrier?!
OTHNIEL
Never been to AH.com before?
It’s easy.
(he points)
Look, that little door there.
LUAKEL looks; several people are squeezing through the little door marked
AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY.
LUAKEL
(embarrassed)
Oh yeah.
OTHNIEL
Oh – sorry –
(extends his hand)
Othniel Canada.
LUAKEL
(shakes it)
Luaky Commer.
OTHNIEL
(impressed)
Luaky Commer??
The Boy Who Couldn’t Be Banned?!
LUAKEL
Yeah…
OTHNIEL
Come on, then, or I’ll never hear the end of it!
They squeeze through the little door…
INT. – PLATFORM PI – DAY
A sleek, modern Intercity train stands at the platform, which is full of
Althistorians in period costume, and their parents. LUAKEL, OTHNIEL and the rest
of the crowd bustle their way through, and we see passing:
DAVE HOWERY
(kissing 11yr old KILNGIRL)
Do me proud, my girl!
KILNGIRL
Oww!
Your beard’s tearing my face off, dad!
COUNT DEARBORN
(pats BORAT on back)
Don’t let those filthy Realists drag you down!
BORAT
(pulling away)
Get away from me!
You’re not my father, I was genetically
cloned by advanced aliens from an
ancestral supreme consciousness!
COUNT DEARBORN
(smiling proudly)
That’s my boy!
GRIMM REAPER
(shaking hands with 11yr old GBW)
Show ’em what news means!
I expect continuous reports, my young apprentice…
GBW
I’ll try, father…
LUAKEL
(to OTHNIEL)
You know anyone here?
OTHNIEL
Just my relations…
Guys?
EVERYONE in the crowd turns toward him and LUAKEL
OTHNIEL
Luaky, this is Dad, Mum, Mary-Sue, Carrie-Anne, John-Boy, Billy-Joe…
LUAKEL
(taken aback)
Why isn’t your name hyphenated?
OTHNIEL
I’m the black sheep of the family.
And so are HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN.
The two, identical twins, step forward and ruffle OTHNIEL’s hair.
HERMANUBIS
Hey Othboy, looks like you’ll finally find out-
IMAJIN
-what AH really means.
OTHNIEL
Knock it off, guys!
This is Luaky Commer!
IMAJIN
No! Luaky Commer!
HERMANUBIS
You don’t want to be talking
to our useless brother! You’ll
lose all credibility!
LUAKEL
(laughs)
He seems OK to me.
IMAJIN
(mock-seriously)
That’s just what he wants you to think…
OTHNIEL
Ahem. So shall we go?
EXT. – COUNTRYSIDE – TRAIN – DAY
We see the modern train scooting across the countryside.
INT. – TRAIN – DAY
OTHNIEL and LUAKEL are munching away on chocolate bars, which have Aztec
hieroglyphs on the labels.
OTHNIEL
So you didn’t know about AH.com till now?
LUAKEL
No, never.
OTHNIEL
Well, it’s-
SNOTTY VOICE
(VO)
It’s the greatest school of Althistory
in all the world! Surely everyone knows that –
it’s straight out of ‘AH.com, an Alternate History’!
They turn to find 11yr old LEO CAESIUS standing there.
LUAKEL
Shouldn’t you be female?
OTHNIEL
(looks green)
What’s supposed to happen in book 6 again…? 
CHINGO360
(running alongside the train outside)
on second thoughts i don’t wanna be ron after all…
LEO tuts and leaves.
OTHNIEL
Don’t worry, he’ll be stuck in House Knowitall.
I hope I can get into Pornwatcher, or I’ll never
hear the end of it from Herman and Imajin.
Just so long as it isn’t Fudgepacker or Miseryguts…
EXT. – AH.COM – NIGHT
The train pulls to a halt at the foot of a hill on which the AH.com headquarters
stands – in the background the city of San Francisco is visible.
INT. – AH.COM – NIGHT
The 11yr olds are confusedly milling through an entrance hall. At the end of it,
IRONYUPPIE stands and stares at them imperiously.
IRONYUPPIE
Jebus Cripes, I’ve never seen such
a bunch of worthless spelunkers!
Line up and follow Mr Floid.
FLOID is holding a mop and cackling as he stares at them with squinty eyes.
FLOID
You littluns will stick by my rules…
Or you’ll be flung into the Archives Dungeon!
The 11 yr olds draw back in horror.
OTHNIEL
Not the Archives Dungeon!
KILNGIRL
(staring at FLOID disapprovingly)
Typical man…
The 11 yr olds follow FLOID into the Great Hall.
INT. – GREAT HALL – NIGHT
The hall is filled with tapestries depicting strange and wonderful maps and
flags. Long tables hold the House members. At one end, DOCTOR WHAT stands in
full dress robes – and a tutu.
DOCTOR WHAT
Welcome!
And it’s that time of year again, guys!
Time for our new ‘uns to put on the
Sorting Shorts and be sorted into their Houses!
LUAKEL
The Sorting Shorts?
FLOID cackles and produces a pair of bright red hotpants.
LUAKEL’s eyes go big and round.
Cut to – LUAKEL sitting on a stool uncomfortably wearing the hotpants (over
his trousers)
LUAKEL
So – uh – now what happens…?
SORTING SHORTS
(develop a mouth)
So…interesting, interesting…
LUAKEL
WTF?!!
SORTING SHORTS
Seems you’d do well in Miseryguts…
LUAKEL
No, not Miseryguts, not Miseryguts!
SORTING SHORTS
Sure? Then I suppose it’d better be…
PORNWATCHER!!!
To cheers, LUAKEL goes to the PORNWATCHER table. Behind him, we see OTHNIEL put
on the shorts and get the same result, then join him.
OTHNIEL
Great! We got in!
LUAKEL
Yeah…uh-oh, look who it ain’t…
BORAT strides up to the shorts and puts them on.
SORTING SHORTS
(loudly)
God, no wonder you overcompensate so much!
BORAT
(staring down fiercely)
Shut up you…unthreaded moron!
BORAT pulls out a REAL FN FiveseveN and shoots the shorts – and his own
crotch. He looks smug for a moment, then his eyes get big.
BORAT
(high pitched voice)
Dammit.
SORTING SHORTS
(weakly)
No option really – MISERYGUTS!
BORAT leaves, we see more sortings – KILNGIRL and GBW become Knowitalls,
KITJED23 and FELLATIO NELSON become Fudgepackers, then we come to LEO…
SORTING SHORTS
(after a pause)
PORNWATCHER!
LEO
What?
LUAKEL
What?
OTHNIEL
WHAT?!!
DOCTOR WHAT
(an aside to IRONYUPPIE)
Stranger things have happened.
IRONYUPPIE
Like what?
LANDSHARK
(sitting next to IRONYUPPIE on a pile of cushions)
What an absurd question.
LEO gingerly takes his seat next to OTHNIEL and LUAKEL.
DOCTOR WHAT
(to everyone)
Now, I was planning to give a long and
detailed lecture on the inevitable
consequences of the butterfly effect
upon the problems of converting AH
pieces for mass consumption in film
format, but instead I think I’ll do a striptease!
Fade off on the reactions of the new students…
***
INT. – AH.COM CASTLE – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
The new students are being led by Prefects to their dormitories.
OTHNIEL
(nudging LUAKEL)
That’s my older brother…
IMAJIN
"Perfect Pranky, the Perfect Prefect!"
MERRYPRANKSTER
(turning around and scowling)
Quiet there.
HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN shake their heads in despair and follow.
They come to a door upon which is a portrait of STEFFEN’S WORKMATE.
STEFFEN’S WORKMATE
Vot ist der passenworden?
MERRY
It’s…er…it’s…
MERRY begins patting his pockets embarrassedly.
MERRY
I know I had it written down somewhere…
LEO CAESIUS strides forward past him.
LEO CAESIUS
Oh don’t be silly!
It’s obviously just the Post-1900
pre-WW2 European POD algorithm…
Which means the password is…
(triumphantly)
General Paul von Lettow-Vorbeck!
STEFFEN’S WORKMATE
Ja!
The portrait door opens and lets them in.
MERRY
Dammit.
INT. – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – FIRST YEAR BUNKROOM – NIGHT
The first year Pornwatchers are setting up their bunks. In the background, a
twinkly theme played on a glockenspiel continuously repeats.
OTHNIEL
(stretching out on his bed)
So here we are at last!
AH.com!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It has the same initials as Alyson Hannigan!
How can it not be most excellent?!
Ah, Alyson…
MICHAEL
Pfft?! That whore?!
PSYCHO
WHAT?! Blasphemy!
MICHAEL and PSYCHO begin fighting. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL watch.
LUAKEL
Think they’ll eventually
work past their disagreements
to become lifelong friends?
OTHNIEL
(considers it)
Nah.
LUAKEL
(shrugs)
Me neither.
MICHAEL pulls out his Podder and fires it at PSYCHO. A jet of blue light
narrowly misses PSYCHO’s head and hits a pillow – it turns into a flapping,
squawking duck and flies into MICHAEL’s face.
MICHAEL
Craaap!!!
PSYCHO, smirking, pulls out his own Podder and fires it. The jet misses MICHAEL,
hits the duck and turns it into a miniature German WW1-era sturmpanzerwagen,
which crashes to the floor and fires a very small shell at PSYCHO’s ankle.
PSYCHO
Owwww!
The door opens and MERRY looks in. He takes in the scene, sighs and zaps the
tank with his own Podder, vanishing it.
MERRY
I’ll let you go this time,
but watch out…
(turns to go, then pauses)
And a bit less friendly fire while you’re at it!
MERRY leaves. PSYCHO and MICHAEL scowl at each other, then turn and stump off to
their bunks.
OTHNIEL
Just another day at AH.com, I suppose.
LUAKEL
(distractedly)
Yeah…
(angrily)
Look!
LUAKEL opens the lid of a nearby trunk to find that inside it is HARRY
TURTLEDOVE, playing the repetitive music on a glockenspiel.
LUAKEL
I like glockenspiel music as much
as the next Ohian teenager, but can
you not be so repetitive?!
HARRY TURTLEDOVE
(claps a hand to his mouth)
My God – I’ve just remembered –
I think I had one Sam Carsten section in
my draft for ‘The Grapple’ where I didn’t
recite his entire backstory!!!!
HARRY TURTLEDOVE grabs his glockenspiel and leaves in a hurry. LUAKEL smirks and
gets into his bed.
***
A montage of images shows the Pornwatcher first years at their first round of
lessons.
INT. – TRANSFORMATION CLASSROOM – DAY
OTHNIEL and LUAKEL burst into the classroom, a bit late, as the cat on the desk
transforms into IRONYUPPIE, dressed like Red Sonja as in the prologue. Both of
them stop and stare at her vacantly.
IRONYUPPIE
Tardy children!
What do you have to say?
OTHNIEL
"Guphmaagh…"
LUAKEL
Cat Woman…sweet…
IRONYUPPIE
(tutting)
Oh, get to your seats.
Reluctantly they comply.
IRONYUPPIE
Now, I shall be teaching you how
to Transform a badly thought out
throwaway question like this…
She waves piece of paper on which is the text ‘wi gernams empire invade
padagonia in 1843?’, then zaps it with her Podder and it becomes a massive
hardback book.
IRONYUPPIE
…into a wholly realistic, horrendously
detailed timeline like this.
PORNWATCHERS
Ooooooooooooohhhh…
IRONYUPPIE
Now you shall try.
We see all of the kids with their own scraps of paper. LUAKEL zaps his and gets
a short leaflet, which he stares at disappointedly.
PSYCHO zaps his and gets a full-sized book, which he picks up delightedly only
to find it’s by Harry Harrison; he throws it aside with a scowl.
MICHAEL zaps his and gets a short book, which he looks at critically, turns to
the first page, and then topples his chair over backwards screaming – we see
the title, "The Red Duck: Jean-Baptiste Pétard, ‘Le Canard Rouge’, and
the French Communist Revolution of 1927".
OTHNIEL zaps his and gets a full-sized hardback book like the one IRONYUPPIE
got. He looks delighted. IRONYUPPIE picks it up and looks through it critically.
IRONYUPPIE
I’m afraid you’ve made a rookie mistake,
Mr Canada. This is OTL.
OTHNIEL sulks.
LEO effortlessly turns his sheet into a correct, full length timeline.
IRONYUPPIE
Well done, Mr Caesius.
Twenty points to Pornwatcher.
LEO swaggers out of the room, the others following.
OTHNIEL
That was our first lesson!
How the heck can he already
be doing better than everyone else??
LUAKEL
Dunno. Now what’s next…?
He looks at his timetable and blinks.
LUAKEL
Alternate Chemistry?!
INT. – ALTERNATE CHEMISTRY LAB – DAY[/b]
LUAKEL
(to OTHNIEL)
Why do we need Alternate Chemistry?!
DISAPPROVING VOICE
(VO)
Because…Mr Commer…
What shall you do when you write about
the Muslim invention of gunpowder in 800AD?
Or the refinement process of uranium hexafluoride
for your four hundred and seventy minor variations
on the Manhattan project?
Or when you write an ISOT into the past and must
construct medicines and industry from scratch?
They turn to find a dark figure with lank hair and big safety goggles, wearing a
badly stained lab coat.
LUAKEL
Who are you?
FIGURE
(coldly)
You shall address me as Professor Thande.
Twenty points from Pornwatcher.
And now we shall see what you can do…
INT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ALTERNATE CHEMISTRY LAB – DAY
We suddenly see the lab’s huge oaken door explode outwards into a burst of
splinters and LUAKEL, on fire, fly out of them and slam into the opposite wall.
THANDE’s head pokes out and stares at him.
THANDE
(grudgingly)
All right, I admit that’s not bad…
LUAKEL
(in pain)
Thaaaannnkks…
INT. – OTL HISTORY CLASSROOM – DAY
LEEJ is the teacher. He is wearing a ‘Geordie Jumpers’ cardigan and is
translucent.
LEEJ
Now you might think that
OTL history is dead boring, like,
but if you don’t know your Bismarck
from your Bedford Forrest, you’ll look
a right charlie in discussion.
MICHAEL
(yawns)
Has he started yet?
LEEJ
Homework this week is to write
a concise history of OTL from 50,000 BC
until the present day – no, make that 2100AD –
and at least half must be written in Swahili.
Most of the class look shocked – LEO CAESIUS smirks and pulls out a huge sheaf
of paper, which he hands to LEEJ.
LEO
I’ve already finished, sir.
LEEJ
Well done, Kysios.
LEO CAESIUS
Can I ask a question, sir?
LEEJ
What? Oh, if you must.
LEO
What’s the Stoned Philosopher?
A hushed silence. LEEJ looks from side to side.
LEEJ
(lowered voice)
Where did you hear about that?
LEO
I heard rumours…
LEEJ
Well – the Stoned Philosopher is an old legend.
Some say it isn’t true…
But they say that the Stoned Philosopher is one
who discovered the true secrets of enlightenment,
and turned that knowledge to the pursuit of the
worst dystopias imaginable.
LEO
So…if someone possessed the
Stoned Philosopher,
they would know how to turn
any timeline into a dystopia?
LEEJ
Excellent foreshadowing, Augiees.
Twelve and a half points to Pornwatcher.
LEO CAESIUS smirks.
INT. – ALTERNATE CULTURE CLASSROOM – DAY
LANDSHARK, sitting on top of a pile of cushions, is addressing the class.
LANDSHARK
Look. It’s all fine and good to
bang on about flags and maps and stuff,
but when you get right down to it,
what’s the most important thing in a TL?
LEO
Shoes, sir?
LANDSHARK
Damn straight.
Fifty points to Pornwatcher.
LEO
(smugly, to the other kids)
I read his profile online.
MICHAEL
Sod off, Seizy.
PSYCHO
Yeah, no-one likes a smartass.
LEO’s smirk quivers and his eyes tear.
EXT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE
The Pornwatchers troop out. LUAKEL and OTHNIEL watch as LEO runs past and dashes
into a toilet, sobbing.
LUAKEL
He took that quite hard…
OTHNIEL
Not like it’s not true…
Still, you’re right.
Let’s go help.
As they get to the door of the toile, LEO’s sobs turn into screams, and we
hear the sound of things smashing in the background.
OTHNIEL
…on second thoughts…
LUAKEL
Come on!
They rush into the bathroom, to find LEO cowering under a urinal whilst a giant,
grossly proportioned figure thrashes through the room. It turns towards them
showing piggy eyes and a huge jaw, and roars.
LUAKEL
It’s a troll!
OTHNIEL
What kind?
Mountain, cave, swamp…?
LEO
(nervously)
The worst!
A forum troll!
TROLL
(slurred)
Me Street Disciple!
U.S. good!
All else bad!
Street Disciple smash puny AH.commers!
The troll takes a swing at OTHNIEL and knocks him aside. LUAKEL faces him alone,
nervously, his Podder wobbling.
LUAKEL
Wait…wait…what was it…?!
The troll prepares to smash a giant fist at LUAKEL. LUAKEL waves his Podder and
a jet of blue light flies out, hits the troll and turns it into a slim volume
titled ‘Thoughts on the Possible Success of a German Invasion of the UK, 1940’.
Shaking, he flushes the leaflet down the toilet.
LEO
You saved my life…
Now we must become lifelong friends!
OTHNIEL
Do we have to?
~~~
INT. – GREAT HALL – DAY
LEO, OTHNIEL and LUAKEL, now sitting together and chatting, are eating
breakfast. We pan across to the Fudgepacker table…
KITJED23 and FELLATIO NELSON are also eating breakfast. Suddenly a penguin
nosedives from the roof, bounces off FELLATIO’s head and lands in KITJED’s
lap.
KITJED
Oww!
(his expression changes)
That’s disturbingly pleasurable.
FELLATIO
(genuinely puzzled)
How can any pleasure be disturbing?
KITJED
Because – I’m not sure, I missed
that episode of David Attenborough –
but I think this penguin’s female.
FELLATIO
(understanding)
Ahh.
KITJED pulls the penguin off his lap, lifts up one of its flippers and pulls out
a glossy catalogue, then reads it. The penguin waddles off down the table, falls
onto the adjacent Knowitall table, and begins eating GBW’s kippers.
KITJED
Aha! My subscription to the
Toaster Oven of the Month club
got through!
FELLATIO
(peering over his shoulder)
Yeah! And look at all the cool,
funky free gifts you get with your
first purchases!
GBW storms over, the penguin under his arm and still eating half of his kipper.
GBW
Now look here, your bird-
GBW catches sight of what FELLATIO and KITJED are looking at in the catalogue.
GBW
My eeyyyeees…
THE FORKS!
Blindly, he reaches out for the table, grabs the nearest shiny metallic thing,
and begins stabbing himself in the eyes with it.
GBW
That’s better.
FELLATIO
Um…Bush mate…
That wasn’t a fork…
KITJED23
(sulkily)
That was my first free gift!
We cut back to the Pornwatcher table as GBW’s scream reaches a pitch that
shatters a nearby chandelier. LUAKEL shrugs, then lifts a piece of toast to his
mouth as IRONYUPPIE walks by.
IRONYUPPIE
(staring at LUAKEL as he eats the toast)
Jebus Cripes – look at that pump action
technique – I think we’ve found our new
GodModing star player!
LUAKEL
Wha?!
LEO
Not God-Moding! It’s the
Althistorian’s most tricky sport, with
a complex set of rules and-
OTHNIEL
Lay off him, Seizy, he’s a natural.
LUAKEL
(confused)
I am?
IRONYUPPIE
(calling to the head of the table)
Mikey! Take young Luaky out
and show him the ropes!
ARCHANGEL MICHAEL gets up and salutes.
EXT. – GODMODING GROUND – DAY
LUAKEL looks on as ARCHANGEL MICHAEL hands him one rope after another to look
at.
LUAKEL
You know, when she said
you were to show me the
ropes, I didn’t think it’d be
this literal…
ARCHANGEL
It’s only the beginning of
God-Moding, Luaky.
It’s an extremely complex
game with rules that make
Mornington Crescent look positively simple.
All you must remember is that
winning is everything, and looking
like a sad obsessive wanker is
a positive bonus!
LUAKEL
(scribbling this down)
…sad…wanker…bonus…
ARCHANGEL
Now what you must remember is,
if you manage to grab the FN FiveseveN
on that high pedestal there, then everything
else is the game is invalidated and you win!
LUAKEL
What’s the point of that?!
ARCHANGEL
(testily)
I don’t know, no-one’s ever
found the original rule book.
LUAKEL
Well, if you think I can help you win…
EXT. – GOD-MODING GROUND – DAY
As before but the stands are now filled with people. The Pornwatcher and
Miseryguts GodModing teams are in place – the MISERYGUTS’ star performer is
BORAT.
ARCHANGEL
(whispering to LUAKEL, the youngest player)
Remember what I said!
LUAKEL
(thumb’s-up)
Got it!
BORAT
Now I shall defeat you with my invincible
space armada! I have an army of Unoriginal
Space Marines that will crush you with
their Derivative Mass Driver Rifles!
SPECTATORS
(impressed)
Oooohh…
LUAKEL
(waving a gun)
While you were talking, I grabbed the
FN FiveseveN.
SPECTATORS
(Confused Murmur)
BORAT
That’s not fair! I immediately counteract
your actions with my magical time machine-
ARCHANGEL
(sharply)
No God-Moding after the FN57 is taken!
(to LUAKEL)
That was…unorthodox, Luaky, but it worked…
LUAKEL
Beginner’s luck, I suppose.
BORAT
You haven’t heard the last of this,
Luaky Commer!
The assembled Pornwatchers cheer and hoist LUAKEL onto their shoulders, carrying
him away.
*
INT. – CORRIDORS – DAY
LEO CAESIUS, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL are hurrying through the corridors, barging
people out of the way. As we watch, OTHNIEL accidentally tips HERMANUBIS over a
safety rail; HERMANUBIS snags his braces on the rail, dangles down with a ‘sproooinnng’,
and is catapulted back up where he slams into IMAJIN and knocks him to the
floor. The two lie there cursing.
LUAKEL
(groggily)
S’all very well me winning
the God Moding contest, but
now we’ve got hangovers from the
celebration party, overslept,
and we’re gonna be late!
LEO
Nice recap.
OTHNIEL
Hey, isn’t this a shortcut?
LEO
Good – I’d die of shame
if I was a microsecond late…
OTHNIEL pulls the arm of a suit of armour. The helmet flies open to reveal the
face of G.BONE, who winks at them, then slams shut and a hidden door flies open
– incidentally smashing into KILNGIRL and GBW as they walk down the corridor.
KILNGIRL and GBW are thrown back into HERMANUBIS and IMAJIN and knock them down
again.
OTHNIEL
In here!
The three run into the revealed passageway; the door creaks shut behind them;
HERMANUBIS, IMAJIN, KILNGIRL and GBW begin beating on it angrily.
INT. – SECRET PASSAGEWAY – DAY
The passageway is cobwebbed (some of the webs have the word ‘Google’
picked out in shining letters at their centre) and dusty. LUAKEL picks up a
faded scrap of paper and blows the dust off it.
LUAKEL
(reading)
"Future History: WI Jesus of Nazareth
founds a worldwide religion"?!
LEO
(eyes shining)
My God…they had intelligible
English in 0AD? That changes
all the theories of linguistics…
and we have proof!
OTHNIEL
Look!
A light at the end of the corridor.
LEO
Come on!
They run towards the light, but as they get closer, they find it’s just a bare
lightbulb hanging from the ceiling.
LUAKEL
Dang it! Now where are we?
OTHNIEL
(worried)
Um…guys…?
They turn to see two sharp pinpoints of light in the darkness.
LEO CAESIUS
Uh-oh…
The lights blink off, then the…thing comes forward into the light to reveal:
OTHNIEL
(relieved)
Oh, it’s just a black kitty cat.
Here kitty, kitty – aaarrgghh…
The cat casually leaps onto OTHNIEL’s neck and begins ripping his throat out.
LUAKEL tries to tear it away, ineffectively; LEO CAESIUS looks from them to the
piece of paper in his hand, then sighs.
LEO
Merciful Etymologies, forgive me.
LEO whips out his Podder, points it at the paper and turns it into a kipper,
which he hurls at the cat. The cat loses interest in the dying OTHNIEL and goes
off to play with the kipper.
LEO
(shattered)
Do you realise what
you made me do?!
How can I live with
myself now?!
OTHNIEL
(weakly)
How can I live, period?
LEO
(impatiently)
Oh, here.
LEO fiddles with his Podder again and heals OTHNIEL’s wounds.
LEO
Come on; we’ll be late
for sure now.
The three are about to set off when they hear a low purring growl. They turn to
find that the cat has swallowed the kipper whole and is now looking at them with
interest.
OTHNIEL
Um.
Outay ofay erehay eway ouldshay etgay?
LEO
(hands on ears)
Stop!
They begin to run, followed by the cat, reach a crossroads.
LUAKEL
(pointing at crossroads)
Let’s split up!
OTHNIEL
Why?!
LUAKEL
It’s more horror movie-y.
OTHNIEL
(nods)
Fair enough.
They each run down a different pathway. We follow LUAKEL. He glances behind him
a few times, but the purr of the cat soon fades. He slows to a walk, finds
himself in a room, looks around. It is empty but for a huge mirror, which he
stares at.
LUAKEL
(reading inscription at top)
The Mirror Universe of Ten.fc?
As he looks, an image forms in the mirror of himself wearing a black catsuit,
with teeth filed to points and dripping blood, plus a wicked smile and an eye
patch. LUAKEL draws back in horror.
LUAKEL
Yuck!
OTHNIEL runs in from another doorway, panting
OTHNIEL
Ugh…I think I lost it.
Hey, what’s that…?
OTHNIEL stares into the mirror.
OTHNIEL
HOW many wives?!
LEO appears too.
LEO
I think it’s gone – hey…
(looks in mirror)
Gah! I’m burning the library of Alexandria!
(he shakes his head)
This is the Mirror Universe of Ten.fc…
LUAKEL
You know of it?
LEO
Of course, I’ve skipped ahead
to Advanced Althistory Lore.
The mirror shows you how you
are in a dark mirror universe…
OTHNIEL
(shuddering)
What’s the point of that?
LEO
(shrugs)
Cheap ratings puller?
LUAKEL
Come on, let’s get out of here.
INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY
HERMANUBIS, GBW, KILNGIRL and IMAJIN are waiting outside the hidden door holding
a large arsenal of weaponry and patting it into their hands significantly.
HERMANUBIS
We’ll get him.
GBW
Damn straight.
As they speak, the door flies open, but nothing comes out. Puzzled, HERMANUBIS
walks in.
HERMANUBIS
Can’t see them…but then
how did the door open?
Hey, pretty ki – AARGH!
NOT THE EYES!
Blood seeps from under the door.
IMAJIN, GBW and KILNGIRL look at each other, then all turn and run – only to
trip over G.BONE’s outstretched pike and crash to the floor, unconscious.
G.BONE, still in his armour, begins going through their pockets.
MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN walk by and survey the scene.
PSYCHO
May we join you?
G.BONE
Sure, dudes.
MICHAEL
Bonza.
As the three are looting them, LEO, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL quietly sneak out of the
door and away.
~~~
EXT. – OUTSIDE AH.COM CASTLE – DAY
LUAKEL, LEO and OTHNIEL are sitting under a tree reading textbooks. As we watch,
LUAKEL snaps his shut.
LUAKEL
I’m bored. Why don’t we?
get up to some schoolboy japes?
OTHNIEL
How about a spot of arson?
Twin blurs of colour rapidly resolve themselves into KITJED and FELLATIO who zip
back into normal speed and stand on either side of OTHNIEL, looking at him
hopefully.
LEO
(without looking up from his book)
That’s ‘arson’. With an O.
KITJED and FELLATIO look disappointed and walk away.
OTHNIEL
(a bit uncomfortably)
Anyway…
DMA walks on, a suspicious bulge under his massive jacket.
DMA
Luaky me old mate!
Listen here cobbers, I’ve got
something under me coat to
show you, and strewth, it’s the biggest
one I’ve seen in years!
KITJED and FELLATIO again zip back on and stare at DMA hopefully.
DMA
A genuine dragon egg!
KITJED and FELLATIO look put-upon.
KITJED
We’re not coming the next time.
FELLATIO
It’s like the Boy who cried Wolf!
KITJED
(grinning at Fellatio)
You, you mean?
FELLATIO
(over-dramatically claps his hand to his forehead)
It was either Wolf! or Stallion!, I can’t remember, I
had other things on my mind.
OTHNIEL
(loudly)
So about this dragon egg, DMA?
DMA
Yeah – yeah! Come with me!
The three chums hastily follow DMA to his cave.
INT. – DMA’S CAVE – DAY
It looks rather more upmarket than an Al-Qaeda place, with running hot and cold
Vegemite. All the furniture is made out of six packs of Fosters or XXXX taped
together. The three chums sit upon chairs of this type, OTHNIEL developing a
faintly distasteful expression.
DMA
So me old cobbers!
Take a swanny at THIS!
He pulls out a huge, unearthly coloured egg from under his jacket.
DMA
Ain’t he a BEAUTY!
Look at the SIZE of it!
LUAKEL
What kind of dragon is it?
LEO
(awestruck)
It’s an Ignore Dragon egg…
But those are supposed to
be illegal, DMA! You’re breaking the law!
DMA
(shrugs)
I’m an Aussie, it’s in the blood.
The egg cracks and a claw comes out.
DMA
Wow!! Look at that claw!
Danger! Danger!
The egg shatters and a small, dishevelled looking dragon comes out.
DMA
What a BEAUTY!
He picks the dragon up and cuddles it alarmingly tightly, almost crushing it.
DMA
And I will hug him and squeeze
him and name him George and-
DRAGON
(weakly)
Actually my name is Norbert.
DMA
Oh, sorry mate.
He puts the dragon down.
NORBERT
I can’t stay here! I must return to
my natural habitat!
LUAKEL
What’s that?
NORBERT
Mosaic Earth.
OTHNIEL
Don’t worry, I’ll ask some of my
Romanian friends to take you there.
LEO
Why Romanians?
OTHNIEL
Because I can’t pronounce the
names of my Hungarian friends.
LUAKEL
How long will that take?
Will we have to hide him for weeks
and finally participate in a dangerous
commando mission to the tallest tower?
OTHNIEL
Er no, I’ll just email them.
OTHNIEL pulls out his BlackBerry and fiddles with it. Bare seconds later, ANDREI
and VOCSE materialise out of nowhere on either side of NORBERT.
VOCSE
Bine, Othniel!
ANDREI
Multsumesc!
They each put a hand on NORBERT and all three vanish.
DMA
(blowing his nose on a huge handkerchief)
Strewth…that emotional experience will
stay with me forever…
(instantly brightens)
Now what about those Brazilian death manticores?
Danger! Danger!
LEO
(diplomatically)
Er – DMA – do you know why there’s
a killer cat in that secret passageway on
the third floor?
DMA
(shocked)
You shouldn’t be fooling around in there!
That’s ADVANCED student truancy, that is!
Anyway, it’s none of your business. That’s
between Doctor What and David Straha…
LUAKEL
Aha! So there’s someone called
David Straha mixed up in all this?!
DMA
I should have said that.
OTHNIEL
Don’t you mean you shouldn’t
have said that?
DMA
No mate, if I hadn’t said it,
it wouldn’t have advanced the plot!
LUAKEL
Come on – it’s time we went back
and did some more juvenile delinquency.
LEO/OTHNIEL
Okay!
They leave, leaving DMA to shake his head and begin reorganising his lager can
furniture.
~~~
EXT. – OUTSIDE DMA’S CAVE – DUSK
We see the three chums walking out of the cave. Suddenly OTHNIEL stops and
points.
OTHNIEL
My God – what’s that?!
It looks like a great white hill. As they draw closer, they see it is a single
gigantic sheep, lying on its side with a horrific wound weeping blood.
DMA appears from the cave behind and looks distraught.
DMA
Strewth!
It’s a Sheep the Size of a VW Camper Van!
What sort of galah would kill one of them?
Makes me want to have a technicolour snake!
LUAKEL
What is it?
LEO
The Giant Sheep is a sacred animal.
He that slays it will for the rest of his days
be forced to write bad AHs about the Alamo.
LUAKEL
Then why would you kill one?
LEO
Because drinking its blood lends a strength
to those that are having trouble holding onto
reality, like the terminally sick…
OTHNIEL
(significantly)
Or the Banned.
LUAKEL
(shocked)
You mean…it was-
DMA
(loudly)
Anyway! I’ll get the poor bastard
cleaned up and outta here! Thanks for
helpin’ me with Norbert, cobbers! See you soon!
DMA pointedly turns away. They sigh and walk away.
INT. – AH.COM LIBRARY – DAY
The three are each reading large, dusty books and have a pile of others in front
of them. As we watch, OTHNIEL picks up a pencil and is about to make a note in
the margin, but the librarian, MRP, zips in at superspeed and rips it from his
hand.
OTHNIEL
Ow! I think you broke two of
my fingers!
MRP
I shall break your neck, old boy,
if you do so much as breathe upon
my precious volumes!
MRP walks away, grumbling:
MRP
Bloody readers…always ruining
libraries…why can’t they just leave
the books on the shelves where Nature
intended them to be…
LEO repairs OTHNIEL’s hand with a flick of his Podder.
OTHNIEL
Thanks, Leo.
So, any progress?
LEO
(shrugs)
I can’t find anything about
David Straha. There are just
so many books to go through…
we don’t know any context to
narrow it down…
LUAKEL
(angrily)
Haven’t these people ever heard
of search engines?
OTHNIEL
Ah well. Cigarette?
He offers the pack.
LUAKEL
I didn’t know you smoked.
OTHNIEL
I don’t, I just flog them to
younger kids around the
back of the bikesheds.
LUAKEL
(shocked)
Oth! That’s wrong!
(pause)
The bikesheds you say…
MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN both walk by.
MICHAEL
Pfft, amateurs.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah…reminds me…have you
got that latest crack shipment in?
MICHAEL
(tightly)
In every sense of the word, yes.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, at least you’re protected
against Kit and Fellatio.
They leave. LUAKEL shakes his head and takes the packet from OTHNIEL, then
stares at it in shock.
LUAKEL
Look! Look at this!
OTHNIEL
"Warning: This Will Give You Cancer,
You Illiterate Moron?" But that’s on every
packet thanks to the new EU regulations…
LUAKEL
Not that! This!
LEO
Oh, the collectible card…it’s Doctor What…
LUAKEL
Read this part!
OTHNIEL
"Doctor What is also famed for his
work on dystopias with his lifelong friend,
David Straha"…that’s it! Luaky, you’re a genius!
LUAKEL
I know, I know.
LEO
(thoughtfully)
Dystopias…?
David Straha must be the Stoned Philosopher!
LUAKEL
It’s all fitting together like
the pieces of a jigsaw…
OTHNIEL
Time for a visual metaphor?
LEO
Why not?
EXT.? – DREAM SPACE
LEO, OTHNIEL and LUAKEL are shown as solid forms in a wibbly dream space in
which ideas take the forms of giant jigsaw pieces. LEO grabs a piece labelled
‘DAVID STRAHA’ and hands it to LUAKEL, who connects it to a piece labelled
‘DOCTOR WHAT’.
LUAKEL
Doctor What knows David Straha…
OTHNIEL hands him a piece labelled ‘killer cat’, which he connects.
LUAKEL
David Straha has something to do
with the killer cat…
LEO hands him a piece labelled ‘Stoned Philosopher’.
LUAKEL
Straha is the Stoned Philosopher…
OTHNIEL hands him a piece labelled ‘Dead Sheep’, which LUAKEL connects –
we see the jigsaw completed except for one piece at the middle.
OTHNIEL
The Dead Sheep’s blood gives
some life back to the Banned…
LEO
The Stoned Philosopher would
allow someone to turn the world
into a dystopia…
LUAKEL
And who would do such a thing?
He puts the last piece into place and the jigsaw’s image is revealed: the face
of MIKE COLLINS.
ALL THREE
Oh crap.
~~~
INT. – VARIOUS CLASSROOMS – DAY
The trio talk guardedly and we see them, always sitting together, in a variety
of different classrooms, with the conversation continuing as though each one was
straight after the other.
OTHNIEL
The killer cat must be guarding
the Stoned Philosopher…Doctor
What must be keeping it safe here
from You-Know-Who,’Boy.
LEO
It doesn’t make sense.
If You-Know-Who,’Boy was
Banned, even partially Banned,
he shouldn’t be able to get into
the school without…
Significant pause.
ALL THREE
A teacher helping him.
A montage of images showing the various teachers as they talk about them; the
three chums’ voices are VO.
OTHNIEL
It can’t be Professor Yuppie…she’s
always been very loyal to Doctor What.
IRONYUPPIE
(to ‘camera’)
That’s one interpretation.
LEO
What about Professor Landshark?
He seems very bitter.
LANDSHARK
Silence, colonial pupil scum!
God, why do I put up with this,
I could have been designing airships
for the Empire in Timeline
5323…
LUAKEL
And then there’s Professor Thande.
He gives me the cold shivers.
THANDE
That, Commer, is because you have
neglected to light your Bunsen burner!
Fifteen times ten to the six points from Pornwatcher!
LEO
I don’t know, that Politics teacher,
Professor Spring, he sounds like a
villain to me…
LUAKEL
He’s not senior staff.
LEO
Well I bet he’s stealing pencils then! [/center]
INT. – POLITICS CLASSROOM – DAY
PAUL SPRING pulls his head out of the stationery cupboard, his pockets all
stuffed with pencils.
PAUL SPRING
(to camera, defensively)
Undercutting your employer is
essential for the market to function!
INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY
The three chums are walking disconsolately along.
LUAKEL
(sighs)
It’s no use, there are just
too many suspects.
They pass an Asian-looking figure wearing a large turban, AYMDABADGUYUS
FLOCCULENCIO.
FLOCC
Morning, my students.
ALL THREE
(dutifully)
Morning, Professor Flocc.
OTHNIEL
At least we can rule out him.
LEO
Yeah, no-one who teaches how to put
Da Fence Against the Ark Darts can
possibly turn to evil…
They walk away, leaving FLOCC there, sweating and his eyes rolled up into his
head.
FLOCC
I resent this!
Just because I’m the Asian one,
I have to wear the turban and be
the bad guy?! You’ll be hearing from
my solicitor!
VOICE FROM TURBAN
One more word from you, my friend,
and you’ll be hearing nothing
beyond your own agonising screams of death.
FLOCC grumbles and totters away…we pull back to reveal that, watching from a
doorway, is THANDE…
~~~
INT. – ALTERNATE CHEMISTRY CLASSROOM – DAY
THANDE is scowling at the trio.
THANDE
That last piece of homework was
utterly pathetic, Mister Commer;
even my pet hamster choked on it
when I gave it to him for bedding.
LUAKEL
Er…
THANDE
And as for you, Mister Canada,
you might as well be producing
maple syrup for all the good this is.
OTHNIEL
Er…
THANDE
But you, Mister Caesius, you may
show a little promise.
For instance, if I was to ask you
for a drug suitable for subduing
the rare lesser spotted Hudsonian
killer cat, felis canuckis psychopathis…
LEO
(brightly)
Why of course sir! It’s just catnip
with a dash of radioactive chloroform
wrapped in sandpaper!
THANDE
(smiling insincerely)
Good good. That’s…correct…
We see THANDE hastily scribbling it down as he walks away.
THANDE
(a mutter)
Or at least I hope it is.
Focus on the trio as they stare at each other.
LEO
Are you pondering what I’m
pondering, Luaky?
LUAKEL
Sure Leo, but where would we find
reinforced lederhosen at this time of day?
LEO
(patiently)
Thande wants to subdue the killer cat.
Shocked silence.
OTHNIEL
He’s going after the Stoned Philosopher…
He’s working for You-Know-Who,’Boy!
LEO
Well either that or it’s a setup for an
elaborate plot twist.
LUAKEL
Come on!
OTHNIEL
What?
LUAKEL
We’ve got to steal the Stoned Philosopher
before Professor Thande can!
A pause.
LEO
As plans go, Luaky…
OTHNIEL
Can you think of anything better?
LEO
Why, yes. Let’s inform Doctor What.
LUAKEL
Oh yeah.
INT. – OUTSIDE DR WHAT’S OFFICE – DAY
The office door has one of those things with three lights on, the lights reading
‘OCCUPIED’, ‘FREE’, and ‘TEMPORARILY DEAD’. The trio walk up and
LUAKEL nervously knocks.
The door opens to reveal…THANDE.
THANDE
Commer.
Why are you here?
LUAKEL
We – er – we wanted to speak
to Professor Doctor What…
(to himself)
Jeez, that sounds odd…
THANDE
(smiling unpleasantly)
Well you will find that most
difficult. He left for the Department
of Magic just an hour ago. I passed
him a message that I said was from
the Secretary of Magical Affairs requesting
his urgent presence.
LEO
Er…and was it?
THANDE
Fifty gazillion points from Pornwatcher
for doubting me. Now be on your way.
THANDE leaves; the three look at each other, shellshocked.
LUAKEL
Plan A, then?
LEO
(wearily)
Plan A.
~~~
INT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SECRET PASSAGE – NIGHT
We see FLOID marching up and down in front of the secret passage, pausing to
suspiciously wave a torch beam up and down the walls.
FLOID
Rassen frassen grumble…
this was supposed to be my
vodka day, damn that Thande
and his stupid suspicions…
FLOID walks away to the other side of the corridor, and the camera view pans
sideways to show OTHNIEL, dressed as a ninja, lurking against the wall in the
shadows.
The view drifts further leftward, revealing LEO who is also dressed as a ninja,
but with more correctly spelled hiragana.
Finally the view wanders another few degrees leftward to show LUAKEL dressed as…a
pirate, with bicorn hat, eyepatch, cutlass, hook and painfully bright stripy
shirt. The other two take off their balaclavas and stare at him pointedly.
LUAKEL
Aharrrr me hearties,
let’s splice the mainbrace
and shiver our timbers!
…what?!
OTHNIEL
(patiently)
Ninjas Luaky.
Dress as ninjas.
Not pirates.
LUAKEL
You know I get those two
confused so easily…
LEO
Ah yes, Ninja/Pirate Blindness,
I read an interesting monogram
by Professor Zoomar on the subject…
OTHNIEL
(coughs)
Anyway…
The trio cautiously walk up to the suit of armour. OTHNIEL grabs its arm. Cut
to-
INT. – BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
G.BONE is in his vest and underwear having a tea break. He hears a clanging
crash from above and looks upward questioningly.
INT. – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
OTHNIEL stares in horror at the empty suit of armour gauntlet he’s holding,
while the rest has crumpled to the floor.
FLOID
(VO, shouting)
Intruders! You’ll feel
the flat of my mop!
LUAKEL
Come on, the passage is
open anyway, look!
And indeed the door swings open.
LEO
(grimly)
Then that means that
Thande’s got here before us.
They exchange worried looks, then proceed into the secret passage.
INT. – SECRET PASSAGE – NIGHT
The killer cat is on the floor, dozing, one paw on a catnip felt mouse dipped in
radioactive chloroform. OTHNIEL looks at it cautiously.
OTHNIEL
It worked, then.
LEO
Of course – hey!
GBW steps out of the darkness, his arms folded, barring their way.
GBW
I knew you would come.
I can’t let you lose us any
more house points, or Professor
Thande will have to invent some
new numbers.
LUAKEL
But Thande’s a villain!
GBW
I refuse to take that into account.
LEO
All right, then-
LEO pulls out his Podder and zaps GBW. GBW crashes to the floor and stays there,
his eyes dark, his fingers twitching, but they are the only part of his body
that is moving.
OTHNIEL
(horrified)
What did you do to him?!
LEO
I wired an AH.com connection
directly into his brain. He won’t
come out of that coma until he
mentally logs off.
LUAKEL
(glancing at his watch)
That gives us…what, twelve hours?
Come on.
They proceed past the sleeping cat, deeper into the corridor. LEO shines his
torch before them.
LEO
This is interesting…
I think each of our teachers
have set trials for intruders…
OTHNIEL
That figures, they’re all
Indiana Jones fanboys.
LUAKEL
Hey, what the?!
The corridor opens out into a round room. On the opposite wall is a door whose
doorknob is in the shape of a human foot. The air is filled with shoes of every
type and design, each which a beautiful pair of gossamer wings and flapping
about.
LUAKEL
Let me guess.
This was Professor Landshark’s idea?
OTHNIEL stares at the foot.
OTHNIEL
Size seven, wide fit, minor callus
at position no. 24…
LEO
(pointing)
That’s it!
They all turn and follow a black stiletto-heeled shoe with one bent wing as it
flaps amongst the others.
LUAKEL
Why am I not surprised…?
OTHNIEL
How can we get it?
We’d have to fly!
LEO
Thande got it…
Luaky, use your God Moding skills!
LUAKEL
Yes!
(deep breath)
My invincible magic bring the shoe
to me ray defeats your pathetic trial
and destroys Tokyo!
The shoe flies out of the air and into his hand with a slap. OTHNIEL takes it
from him, fits it to the foot-doorknob, and the door springs open.
LEO
‘and destroys Tokyo’?
LUAKEL
I got carried away. Come on!
INT. – NEXT ROOM – NIGHT
The room is in shadows. As the three step into it, pools of light surround their
feet and illuminate their immediate surroundings.
LUAKEL
Hey…look at the floor!
It’s like a stained glass window-
LEO
No, it’s more like crazy paving…or…
ALL THREE
A Mosaic.
The lights come on.
The room is huge, and the floor is a gigantic mosaic showing a world map, with
each land divided into many ‘Risk’ like portions. The trio are standing on
the Americas and facing them, standing on the Old World, are MBARRY, AUSSEY and
GLEN FINNEY.
MBARRY
They’re here!
AUSSEY
I claim the Treble Monarchy of
Minnesota-Liberia-Hyderabad!
GLEN FINNEY
NO CLAIMING!
We haven’t started yet!
…though I’ll have Montenegro.
OTHNIEL
(pale)
This is Mosaic Earth, and these
three are three of the grandmasters.
LUAKEL
You know it?
OTHNIEL
Me and Imajin used to play it
in the backyard for fun, but I
can’t compete with these people!
Suddenly, something floats down from the ceiling and perches on LUAKEL’s
shoulder – a small dragon.
LUAKEL
Erk! Norbert?
NORBERT
It’s time to repay my debt.
Don’t tell anyone I told you this but…
(conspiratorially)
Mbarry leads from the left, Aussey
has a blind spot for republics, and Glen’s
pancreas still isn’t patched up from his last bout.
OTHNIEL
(nodding)
Thanks.
We’ll have to fight our way across
to the other side…
NORBERT
But first, you must survive their attacks!
MBARRY
Ahem. NOW can we start claiming?
GLEN FINNEY
(grumbling)
It’s very irregular…but I suppose so.
AUSSEY
I claim the Quadruple Monarchy of
Liberia-Liechtenstein-Laos-Lahore!
GLEN FINNEY
I claim the Montenegrin Empire of Europe!
MBARRY
I claim…the republic of everywhere else!
All the Old World lights up in different shades of red, and tiny representations
of armies and battle fleets appear.
OTHNIEL
(nodding)
We must fight.
I claim the United Provinces
of Bolivaria!
All of Latin America lights up green.
OTHNIEL
Leo, you take the Republic of Appalachia!
Luaky, you take the Independent Tsardom of Alyeska!
The rest of the Americas lights up in two different shades of green.
GLEN FINNEY
And now we fight!
The Mosaic Earthers launch huge armadas at the Americas from Spain and West
Africa. OTHNIEL looks at them worriedly, biting his lip.
OTHNIEL
(sweating, his brow furrowed)
Move up reserves from there…
rig minefields in Caribbean…er…
NORBERT
Watch out for the airships.
OTHNIEL
Yes! Deploy our anti air defences!
And…
LUAKEL
Oth!
OTHNIEL turns to see red ships approaching LUAKEL’s Alyeska from the other
side.
OTHNIEL
Dang! I forgot the world was round.
Er…
(thinking fast)
Leo, send your Navy of Nawleans down
and through the Panama Canal!
LEO
There isn’t a Panama Canal in TTL!!
OTHNIEL
Well build one then!
LEO’s ships get there in time to deflect the backstab invasion. Meanwhile, the
main red armadas land on the American and Brazilian coasts.
OTHNIEL
Don’t…let…them…break…out!
We see green planes and missile attacks cut off the beachheads from resupply,
and the armies eventually surrender.
GLEN FINNEY
Dammit!
AUSSEY
(pointing accusingly at Mbarry)
It would have worked if
we hadn’t relied on his
evil republican forces!
MBARRY
What?! You-
The red states begin fighting each other.
OTHNIEL
This is it! We must clear a path!
(worriedly)
Come on!
Each of the trio puts one foot each on a dreadnought or carrier, and rides their
fleets across to the African coast. OTHNIEL creeps up behind AUSSEY as he argues
with MBARRY and knocks him out with a baseball bat. MBARRY and GLEN FINNEY
angrily turn on OTHNIEL.
OTHNIEL
Go! While I distract them…
Island hop off Australia and to the door!
LUAKEL
Oth!!
LEO
He’s right! Come on!
LEO and LUAKEL sail across the Indian Ocean, land on Australia, and are at the
open door to the next room. They cross the threshold, but LUAKEL looks back to
see OTHNIEL fighting a losing battle against MBARRY and GLEN FINNEY. MBARRY
sucker punches him as they watch.
LUAKEL
Othniel!
OTHNIEL’s eyes meet LUAKEL’s.
OTHNIEL
(weakly)
Fly, you fools!
The door slams shut between them.
~~~
INT. – NEXT ROOM – NIGHT
LUAKEL hammers on the door.
LUAKEL
Oth!
We hear distant screams. LEO puts a reassuring hand on LUAKEL’s shoulder.
LEO
(solemnly)
Greater love hath no man
than he who lets himself be
viciously wedgied by Mosaic Earthers
for his friends.
LUAKEL
(grimly)
You’re right.
Come on, what’s next…
They stare into the room and see a horde of FOOTBALL HOOLIGANS, each holding a
flag that looks like the US flag, but instead of stars in the canton, there is
the modern Indian tricolour. They are also holding placards reading ‘For
Viceroy Flocc’ and ‘For the Dominion of Anglistan’.
They are also all lying on the floor and groaning.
LEO
Sepoy battalions…
This must be Professor Flocc’s doing.
LUAKEL
But Thande must have already
taken them out…come on!
They run on into the next room-
INT. – YET ANOTHER ROOM – DAY
As LEO and LUAKEL step into the room, flames spring up in the doorway behind
them; more flames hide the door to the next room. The room is totally bare apart
from a table in the middle with a piece of paper, and a whole range of chemical
equipment upon it. They walk up to the table and LEO stares at the paper.
LEO
It’s a riddle written in a complex
mixture of Coptic, Aramaic and Mandaean.
The answer will tell us how to go forward and back.
LUAKEL
Well how long will that take to figure out-
LEO
(casually)
The answer is ‘chloroform
forward, acetone back’.
LUAKEL
(shakes his head)
Obviously.
LEO
Now if we can just remember
enough of Professor Thande’s
alternate chemistry…
The two feverishly perform a gas phase radical chlorination of methane, and then
use chromium(VI) oxide on 2-propanol.
LUAKEL
That should do it…
LUAKEL quickly drinks all the chloroform.
LEO
Luakel!
LUAKEL
I must do this alone.
You go back, rescue Oth and
fetch help from the teachers.
I’ll…I’ll try and stall Thande.
LEO
Luaky, you can’t-
LUAKEL
I must.
Also I object to my friends
watching while I piss myself
in abject terror.
LEO
(heavily)
All right.
LEO drinks the acetone and steps back through the flames to the previous room.
LEO
(obscured by flames)
Well they don’t feel hot now,
it must be working.
(pause)
Hang on, isn’t acetone flammable-
Oh sh-
LUAKEL turns away, faces the door forward, and steps through the flames.
INT. – FINAL ROOM – NIGHT
THANDE is standing in the middle of the room, facing away from LUAKEL.
LUAKEL
Thande!!
(confused)
It IS you?!
Not some bizarre plot twist?
He walks up to THANDE and gasps in shock to find that THANDE is actually tied
up, but kept upright by being tied to a vertical pole, and is gagged.
THANDE
Mfff mff mff-
Subtitles: Commer, you pathetic little specimen, untie me before-
LUAKEL
What the-
LUAKEL spots a figure in front of THANDE, also with his back to him; he
recognises it as FLOCC.
LUAKEL
(relieved)
Oh, it IS you!
Come out, Collins!
LUAKEL grabs the back of FLOCC’s turban and unwraps it to reveal that beneath
is…
A giant afro.
And a tape recorder with a tape bearing the legend "Collins’ Gems: Famous
Sayings Of You-Know-Who,’Boy".
FLOCC
Mff mff mff!
Subtitle: Thande was right, the boy IS an idiot.
LUAKEL sees that FLOCC too is bound and gagged.
LUAKEL
(confused)
Well then who…?
FAMILIAR VOICE
I see I’m here just in time.
LUAKEL turns to see DOCTOR WHAT.
LUAKEL
(relieved)
Doctor What!
I thought you were at the Department!
DOCTOR WHAT
No, I saw through Thande’s ruse.
LUAKEL
Well, Leo must have fetched you quickly!
DOCTOR WHAT
Not exactly…Luaky Commer.
DOCTOR WHAT pulls out a Podder. It is large, gold-plated, and has a seal of
authority upon it which looks like a stylised capital I.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wrappius uppius!
LUAKEL is suddenly thrown through the air, ropes and bindings leaping up and
wrapping themselves around him, tying him to a post beside THANDE and FLOCC.
LUAKEL
What the-?!
THANDE/FLOCC
Mff mff mff…
Subtitle: Oh, yeah, WE get gagged and he lets HIM talk…
DOCTOR WHAT
You are confused. It is unsurprising for you
are an althistorian of very little brain.
(he laughs, coldly)
You never even bothered to check that you
did have a scar on your backside, did you?
LUAKEL
(defensively)
With Kit and Fell around, it’s
a high risk investigation!
DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
Let me tell you what truly happened that night
ten years ago, Commer.
It is true that Mike Collins killed your parents.
But…Doctor What showed up and fought him
mano a mano. It was an epic fight, the very fabric
of this timeline was threatened…
(he develops a faraway look in his eyes)
But in the end…What was defeated,
Banned by the Podder of Ian.
LUAKEL
What?!
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s right!
But Collins was weakened by the
fight. He knew the Moderators would
arrive any minute. And what better place
to hide himself than in plain sight?
LUAKEL
(slow, horrified realisation)
You mean…?!
DOCTOR WHAT
(nastily)
Oh yes…Luaky.
And DOCTOR WHAT rips his face off to reveal that underneath is the face of none
other than MIKE COLLINS!!
LUAKEL
WTF?!
MIKE COLLINS
For ten years I have been running this
school, twisting it to my own ends…
Yet I grow bored, and my strength has returned.
(he looks idly at the Podder of Ian)
Banning is no longer enough. Now I will
use the Stoned Philosopher to turn this whole
world into a dystopia!
He gestures to the centre of the room, where the Mirror Universe of Ten.FC sits;
visible in the mirror is STRAHA, who is smoking a joint and reading a Draka
book. He looks up and gives the finger to both of them, then goes back to his
reading.
MIKE COLLINS
If I can just figure out how to get
him out of that mirror…
LUAKEL
(stalling)
Why…why didn’t you kill
me when you had the chance?
MIKE COLLINS
(absently)
I needed an explanation.
If I were Doctor What, that would mean
that Doctor What had defeated Collins,
after sending so many Moderators to
die in his place before, lives that could
have been saved if he’d faced Collins himself
in the first place. So I told them that
Collins had tried to Ban you, and something
about you had reflected the Ban.
LUAKEL
So I’m not special after all?
MIKE COLLINS
Only in the Dutch sense.
LUAKEL
But if you weren’t Banned…
Why were you drinking the Giant Sheep blood?
MIKE COLLINS
Because I like the taste!!
Now shut up.
Suddenly the flames of the doorway fade away, and in rush LEO, OTHNIEL (looking
battered), IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, FELLATIO and KITJED.
LANDSHARK
You put that thing down
right now, you stinking
impostor!
MIKE COLLINS
(sarcastically)
Oh yes. Like I didn’t see this one coming.
My love…?
IRONYUPPIE suddenly turns and quickly zaps LANDSHARK, OTHNIEL, KITJED, FELLATIO
and LEO with her Podder – they are wrapped up in ropes and plonked beside
LUAKEL, THANDE and FLOCC.
LANDSHARK
What the?!
IRONYUPPIE
(to Mike Collins)
Anything to defeat the evils of HAARP, my love.
She tears her face off to reveal that she is, in fact, GIRLSGOFISHING. She
smiles and takes her place beside MIKE COLLINS, who grins at LANDSHARK’s
outrage.
LANDSHARK
WHAT?!
You mean for the last ten years
I’ve been lusting after…HER?!
MIKE COLLINS
Yes, indeed.
(smiles fondly at GGF, speaks in baby voice)
And now we shall stop the nasty-wasty
HAARP people by turning-wurning this
world into a dystopia-wopia, won’t we?
GIRLSGOFISHING
(eyes shining)
Of course!
MIKE COLLINS winks at the camera.
MIKE COLLINS
And now you’ve delivered into
my hands the means to get the
Stoned Philosopher out of the mirror.
LUAKEL
(hopefully)
Is it something to do with me?
MIKE COLLINS
No, you’re not special at all.
(he stares at KITJED and FELLATIO)
You two, on the other hand…
(he flicks the Podder and frees them)
Go and stand behind the mirror, or
I’ll Ban your little friends where they stand.
KITJED and FELLATIO stare at each other worriedly, then comply, walking behind
the mirror and out of sight. We hear strange giggling noises, and the STRAHA in
the mirror spins around, looking at something out of sight. A look of horror
crosses over his face.
STRAHA
How about no, Scott?!
STRAHA desperately runs forward and smashes through the pane of the mirror,
crashing to the floor in front of MIKE COLLINS.
MIKE COLLINS
Now you shall help me make
this world a dystopia like no other!!
STRAHA
Why not?
MIKE COLLINS and GIRLSGOFISHING grin.
LUAKEL
(to himself, desperately)
This can’t be happening!
I must be able to do something to stop it!
Something I learned in Althistory…oh God…
MIKE COLLINS
(eagerly taking notes)
…so you say we should have the US
nuke Quebec, and then…
STRAHA
Why not have an ebola type virus
released from the melting ice of
Antarctica that turns everyone into zombies?
MIKE COLLINS
(scribbling furiously)
Exxxcellent…
LUAKEL
I-
Suddenly we hear three loud shots ring out. A bloody hole appears in MIKE
COLLINS’ chest, and two in GIRLSGOFISHING’s. They drop to the floor in a
shower of blood.
MIKE COLLINS
(incredulously)
Impossible…
The smoke clears to reveal that standing in the doorway are…
WARD and CHINGO360, both carrying shotguns.
WARD
(dispassionately, as he stares at MIKE COLLINS)
Get your blood out of your veins, boy!
CHINGO
(jumping up and down with delight)
I got one, I got one!
LUAKEL
What the?!
CHINGO
You silly althistorians with your
Pods and divergences and butterflies,
you never bothered to think of
just shooting him, did you?
BORAT sticks his head around the door.
BORAT
(morosely)
Actually, I did think of doing
that, but no-one would trust me
with a non-imaginary gun…
WARD shoots BORAT as well for good measure – and there was much rejoicing.
WARD
Now – get them out of those ropes, boy!
CHINGO, KITJED and FELLATIO help untie the others. LUAKEL immediately runs up to
MIKE COLLINS’ body and picks up the Podder of Ian.
LUAKEL
So this is what Banned my parents…
(his face hardens)
Never again.
He breaks the Podder over his knee and –
LUAKEL
WTF?!
Balls of light fly from the broken Podder, gliding through the air and coming to
a stop in a circle surrounding LUAKEL, where they shimmer and grow into human
forms.
LEO
(awestruck)
You’ve reversed the Bans!
DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE – the real ones – step forward.
DOCTOR WHAT
Luaky Commer…
It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.
LUAKEL instinctively draws back, but then shakes DOCTOR WHAT’s hand.
LUAKEL
(quietly)
So what Collins said was true?
DOCTOR WHAT
(glancing at IRONYUPPIE)
It was the truth…
IRONYUPPIE
But not the whole truth.
DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE both lay a hand on each of LUAKEL’s shoulders.
LUAKEL
What are you doing?
DOCTOR WHAT
On that night, Luaky,
Collins Banned your mom and dad,
and he banned me, and Yuppie here.
(gently)
But those aren’t two different events.
LUAKEL
You…you mean…
DOCTOR WHAT
Yes!
(puts on heavy-breathing voice)
Luaky…I AM YOUR FATHER!
LANDSHARK
(glancing from DOCTOR WHAT to IRONYUPPIE in despair)
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
FLOCC
Actually, while we’re at the revelations,
can I say that I’m actually Tielhard?
He tears off his face to reveal this is in fact the case.
THANDE
That’s nothing, I’m actually Robertp6165!
And THANDE follows suit.
OTHNIEL
Well, I’m, uh…
He tears his face off to reveal he is ….
EVERYONE
FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT AL GORE?!!
LEO
But that can’t be true!
Because…
(he tears his face off)
I am Al Gore!
EVERYONE
So am I!
And they all tear their faces off to reveal that, in fact, they are all Al Gore.
And then the mist dissolves…
LUAKEL
Huh, what?
DOCTOR WHAT
Look – Collins’ body is gone!
And indeed it is.
LANDSHARK
(angrily)
He must have dropped a hallucinogenic
smoke bomb to cover his escape!
LUAKEL
Yeah, I can’t believe some
of the stuff I just heard -
(laughs)
Like you and Professor Yuppie being my parents!
DOCTOR WHAT turns to IRONYUPPIE, and we see a look of shared pain in their eyes.
DOCTOR WHAT
(quietly)
Y…es…Luaky.
As though anyone would believe that…
EXT. – OUTSIDE AH.COM – NIGHT
We see MIKE COLLINS sneaking away by cover of darkness, a bandage slapped on his
wound but still weeping blood.
MIKE COLLINS
(angrily)
You’ve killed my lover,
loony though she was.
You’ll pay for that…
One day.
INT. – PORNWATCHER DORMITORY – DAY
LUAKEL and the others are packing up to go home.
OTHNIEL
Did you hear I won us fifty million
points for beating the Mosaic Earthers?
IMAJIN
(laughing)
I think you must have told us
that once for every point.
HERMANUBIS
Nah, at least twice.
They both ruffle OTHNIEL’s hair affectionately, then walk away to reveal they
had both dipped their hands in tins of treacle.
LUAKEL
(pensively)
I don’t know if I can
face Chingo and Ward, they’re
so smug right now…
OTHNIEL
Cheer up mate!
We saved the world, didn’t we?
LEO
Yeah, it was really something, wasn’t it?
LUAKEL
Sepoys, chemistry, killer cat, GBW…
(claps hand to his mouth)
GBW!!!
INT. – SECRET PASSAGE – DAY?
GBW is still in his catatonic pose.
GBW
(to himself)
I’ll just click refresh once more
and then log out…I mean it this time…
Suddenly two green eyes appear in the darkness. The camera pans down to reveal a
catnip mouse with the legend sewed into the side: EXPIRES AFTER 11 HOURS 59
MINUTES.
GBW
(VO)
Nice kitty?
(pause)
Oh crap.
EPILOGUE
EXT. – COINCIDENT ALLEY – DAY
The camera goes to J. Diamond’s bookstore and we look in through the upstairs
window…
INT. – J DIAMOND’S UPPER ROOM – DAY
DIAMOND
So, Luaky, brilliant story and
everything, but my publisher and agent here
just wants to make some minor
editing changes for the film adaptation –
you know, to fit the mass British market…
LUAKEL
O-kay…
WOZZA
(enthusiastically)
Brill stuff, yeah, but obviously
we’re gonna have to reset it in
an English public school, otherwise
the UK audience won’t be able to relate to it.
LUAKEL
(puzzled)
Er…yes?
WOZZA
And we thought the title might
confuse the man in the street who
doesn’t know what a philosopher is, so
we decided to retitle it…
He holds up a big promo poster.
LUAKEL
(outraged)
"Urkey Spammer and the Still Office of G.Bone"?!
WOZZA
One other thing; we’re going
to have you played by Peter Sallis.
LUAKEL
Gah!! I’m not selling my soul
to Pinewood for this!!
WOZZA
We also give you loads of cash.
LUAKEL
Well…okay then…
END.
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