SCENE: at Englishman’s home, in huge opulent sitting room, Englishman is dictating his memoirs to his biographer.

ENGLISHMAN: "…so there we were, just the four of us: me, Duke Wal-Mart, Baron ASDA, Lord Tesco, Count Sainsbury’s…"

BIOGRAPHER: "Isn’t that five?"

E’MAN: "Oh…is it? You know I lost the ability to count when I was shot through the frontal lobe *he gestures* by a Viet Cong sniper during the Crimean War…I saved JFK that day. He fell into my arms after leaping from the blazing Hindenberg,"

Biographer looks up confused, opens mouth to say something, then shakes his head and goes back to his writing.

E’MAN: "Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted. We were all students at Oxbridge…that’s the university of Oxbridge…it’s in France…that’s France, Colorado – and the nine of us – because we each had our menservants with us – anyway, we’d just finished skinning this Russian that we’d shot…at least I think he was Russian…’Nicht schiessen, nicht schiessen’ he’d kept saying. Blast if I could work out what the little foreign devil was talking about."

The increasingly flustered biographer shakes his head and blinks as he scribbles stuff out.

Butler appear with a telephone on a tray.

BUTLER: "Telephone, sir"

E’MAN: "Ah, thank you, Butler…Englishman speaking, what,"

VOICE ON PHONE: "What?"

E’MAN: "WHAT?"

VOICE: "Uh…Englishman? I need your help"

E’MAN: "I’ll be right there"

VOICE: "But…you don’t even know who I am"

E’MAN: "Oh don’t I?"

VOICE: "No…"

Doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-dahhhhhh music plays.

SCENE: Englishman arrives at the location of the caller – much to his astonishment.

MAN: "How did you do that?"

E’MAN: "Ah, ah, ah. One must have some trade secrets,"

MAN: "Well all the same, thank you very much for coming, Englishman. I have a problem and I think that you are very much the only man who can help me with it."

E’MAN: "Please go on and we’ll see what can be done."

MAN: "It all started back in art school, in Vienna, when I was 18. My best friend and I fell for the same girl and when she chose me, it drove him crazy and he swore he would take revenge on me one day. Well, the other day, I received this ransom note. You must help me; he has kidnapped my son"

E’MAN: "Tell me everything you know"

MAN: "Well, it depends what you want to believe but: in the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth…"

E’MAN: "I meant everything you know of relevance to the case"

MAN: "Oh. well… he was at butler training school in Switzerland – they have the best butler finishing schools there. Some people say England has the best schools, but I feel that they’re let down by their obsession with matters of etiquette surrounding the serving of tea,"

E’MAN: "Please – if we could stick to the matter in hand, and I thoroughly disagree with you: no butler is worth his salt unless he knows how to serve tea…isn’t that right, Butler?"

Butler appears and serves tea on silver tray.

BUTLER: "Indeed, sir."

MAN: "Excuse me – but what is your butler doing here?"

BUTLER: "A butler must be with his master at all times or else he is a failure and a disgrace to his profession. And in those circumstances he has only one choice – hara-kiri."

MAN: "I see."

E’MAN: "Please, Mr von Braun – your son?"

VB: "How did you know my name?"

E’MAN: It’s right here, on the nameplate on your desk – now please, your son."

Von Braub goes off into details, volume is lowered on what he’s saying and in the foreground Welshman leans forward and asks Englishman,

WELSHMAN: "Just what does this have to do with us Englishman? A kidnapping doesn’t seem like the kind of thing we would usually investigate. So why a special interest in this one"

E’MAN: "First, what’s all this "we" business? I investigate, not you. That aside, look at the note, Welshman. Do you recognise the signature?"

W’MAN: "A…Hitler..? No – it doesn’t ring any bells"

E’MAN: "A Hitler – Adolf Hitler."

W’MAN: "Of course!…who?"

Englishman goes into background story of Hitler:

E’MAN: [in the style of Gary Oldman in Leon]"Adolf Hitler – he was Austrian you know – was the man responsible for the Second World War."

W’MAN: "Second World War? What’s that?"

E’MAN: "Here, read this American textbook on the subject."

WELSHMAN(muttering): "…war began in 1941 when Japan bombed Pearl Harbour and ended in 1945 when Germany and Japan capitulated to the American army and her ally the French Resistance. Well who ever would have thought that the French would have helped another country?"

E’MAN: "Believe me, they wouldn’t have done if they weren’t on the brink of having their beloved cheese replaced with all manner of bratwurst and Wienerschnitzel and their beloved champagne replaced with German beer."

W’MAN: "Well, I never. You learn something everyday."

E’MAN: "Don’t beat yourself up, Welshman. Not many people these days have heard of the Second World War – not since the government decided to dumb down the curriculum to just finger painting and cookery lessons. Are you listening to me, Blony Tair?"

W’MAN: "Uh, I'm Welshman. Anyway, tell me more about Hitler, Englishman."

E’MAN: "After the war, many believed Hitler dead – but in truth he was captured by the Americans after mistaking aspirin for his cyanide pill. After almost dying – he was severely allergic to aspirin you see – he spent weeks recuperating in a hospital in London before being secretly flown to America to face trial. He was found guilty of invading Poland, but given a reduced sentence because he’d also invaded France; and he was incarcerated in the maximum security Nazi war criminal prison of Area 51, in the Nevada desert."

W’MAN: "Why does that sound familiar?"

E’MAN: "Funny you should ask that, Welshman. In 1947 an attempt was made to free Hitler by a group of loyal SS survivors who had managed to escape to South America after the war. Using modified V2 rockets these men freed their leader, but lost one of their craft in the process. That craft crash landed in Roswell, New Mexico and has since been the root of countless conspiracy theories – though few know the real truth. Hitler’s whereabouts have since then been unknown and all attempts by Mossad to try and find him have been in vain. Known associates of his include, in America: Charles Lindbergh and all the supposedly deceased members of the Kennedy dynasty, And in the UK: Moswald Osley (Monster Raving British Fascist Party – official opposition to Filthy Socialist Party; 3rd party the Bleeding Heart Liberal Party – leader Carlos Kennedy, brewery/distillery magnate, Lord Haw Haw (eventually exposed as the leak in the British Cabinet and how Hitler got all his inside information). Lickspittle Gall Georgeaway – leader of the Respect the War Coalition."

W’MAN: "No! Not Lord Haw Haw! But he always seemed so nice."

E’MAN: "Yes. Even that nice Lord Haw Haw. Who would have believed that a member of the British aristocracy would like the Germans?" *Swivels eyes left and right*

Von Braun finishes his story – volume is faded back in . .

VB: "And that is everything I know about what has happened up to this point"

E’MAN: "Uh huh, uh huh – well, I think the first thing we must do is find out whether there have been any other kidnappings and if there have we will undoubtedly find more clues. Mr von Braun, I bid you good day. I will bring your son back to you, even if my butler himself has to dig his cold, lifeless body out of a shallow grave." Von Braun bursts into tears.

SCENE: Outside in the street.

E’MAN: "Well it’s obvious where we must go now."

W’MAN: "It is?"

E’MAN: "Yes! It is. Switzerland. Come, we’ll take the Orient Express"

W’MAN: "Um…do you mean the Direct Orient? I don’t think that the Orient Express goes to Switzerland"

E’MAN: "It does now!"

Doodly doodly doodly doodly doooo

SCENE: On board the Orient Express. Englishman, reading the paper, is with his butler and Welshman in the dining car. Front page shows story "WORLD BUTLER SHORTAGE – Spate of kidnappings. Police have no suspects."

E’MAN: "This is getting serious. It’s not just von Braun’s son – it’s all the trainee butlers in the world. This is no personal vendetta – there’s an evil scheme afoot – and where there’s an evil scheme, there’s an evil mastermind. And no one is more evil than Hitler…except Stalin of course. But the liberals and socialists have done a good job of trying to make everyone forget about that."

W’MAN: "But why, Englishman? Why would he want to kidnap all the world’s butlers?"

At this point a sack is thrown over the head of Butler and he is bundled off by some kidnappers – neither Englishman nor Welshman notices.

E’MAN: "Phew. For a minute there I thought you were going to ask why Hitler had chosen to reappear now, rather than at anytime during the past sixty years. Fortunately, your question I can answer. Think about it, Welshman. Who runs the world?"

W’MAN: "Politicians?"

E’MAN: "That’s right – the British aristocracy. Now – think what would happen if we didn’t have our butlers. We’d be practically helpless."

SCENE: dissolves into shots of upper class types left helpless; unable to dress themselves (cue scenes of half dressed, confused aristocrats trying to put socks on their heads etc. Person wearing massively clashing outfit; man in ball gown etc). House of Lords full of very oddly dressed peers – some naked, other wearing just their cloaks, etc.

PEER 1: "It’s very cold today"

PEER 2: "Isn’t it? I blame my butler. This morning he hadn’t laid out my suit and there was no one to dress me."

PEER 1: "Still, it’s not all bad. I’ve been looking for an excuse not to wear clothes ever since the sixties ended."

PEER 2: "Me too!"

SCENE – Englishman and Welshman have arrived at the Von Schtauffenberg Butler Finishing School in Switzerland. WW1/2 general. The motto on the gates reads, "Excellence through explosives").

Englishman is examining the ground for clues

W’MAN: "Thank you for meeting with us, headmaster."

Head is a poorly disguised Hitler.

HEAD: "Ja, ja, zank you for coming. Your reputation precedes you, Herr Englischman."

E’MAN: "YOU’RE TOO KIND!" in Holmes-esque shout.

HEAD: "Would you like to see young von Braun’s quarters?"

E’MAN: "Ye-s-s," in distracted/non committal voice.

HEAD: "This way please, gentlemen."

They’re led inside.

SCENE: in von Braun Jr.’s quarters.

Englishman again looking for clues. He finds a thread on the doorframe.

HEAD: "I will leave you gentlemen in peace. Please do not hesitate to ask if I can be of any furzer assistance."

E’MAN: "Yes, thank you."

Englishman waves his hand to shoo away the Head. Who goes out – but the camera zooms in on a painting to show the eyes being removed and then being replaced with two human eyes which follow our heroes around the room.

W’MAN: "What is it, Englishman? Found something?"

E’MAN: "This thread," peers at it then puts it to his tongue to taste it, "It has come from a swastika armband. The dye is unique."

W’MAN: "That’s amazing!"

E’MAN: "Not really. I wrote a thesis on detecting unique dyes through taste – I’m surprised you haven’t read it."

W’MAN: "It’s…on my list"

E’MAN: "This is a very disturbing development, Welshman, because it confirms that the signature on von Braun’s letter was genuine. Hitler is back and once again he is bent on world domination" dun dun duhhhh!

W’MAN: Gasp!

E’MAN: "Come, Welshman, there’s no time to stand around gasping. We’ve got work to do."

They leave. New view shows Hitler:

HITLER: "So – he ist onto me. I must accelerate mein plan und also take care of zat meddling Inklischman, before he, like mein archenemy Churchill, vonce again svorts mein plans to take over the world. MUH WA HA HA HA HA!"

SCENE: Laughter echoes through building. Englishman & Welshman descend outside steps.

E’MAN: "Bless you."

W’MAN: "I didn’t sneeze?"

E’MAN: "You didn’t?! How very odd. Very odd indeed. And did you feel like we were being watched in there?"

W’MAN: "Now that you come to mention it…"

E’MAN: "There was something fishy about that headmaster. I just can’t put my finger on it. Never mind."

And as they walk away, with their backs to the school, a Luftwaffe helicopter takes off with Hitler’s face visible in the window of the cockpit.

SCENE: back on the train

W’MAN: "Well what now, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "First thing’s first. We can’t do anything without a cup of tea. Butler! Butler? Where has that butler of mine got to now?"

SCENE cuts to show a bound and gagged Butler, who can hear his master’s cry (in a Superman-superhearing kind of way). His eyes go wide as he struggles to free himself and serve his master tea.

E’MAN: "Humph. I don’t know. I’m going to have to let him go."

W’MAN: "I’ll get you some tea."

E’MAN: "Oh would you? That’s wonderful. I don’t want to put you to any trouble. You’re a prince, sir. It’s too kind of you. You really shouldn’t. Are you sure?"

W’MAN: "No, no – no problem. Er – waiter? Some tea, please."

Waiter pours tea.

E’MAN: "Oh, oh, you’re too kind." Tastes tea – spits it out in Welshman ’s face. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN GIVING ME THIS DISGUSTING FILTH? IT’S TAP WATER…SEWAGE! ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON ME MAN?"

Starts beating Welshman with his walking stick/umbrella.

W’MAN: "Argh! Argh! Owww!"

E’MAN: "Perhaps that will teach you, you pea brained troglodyte!"

W’MAN: "Yes, sir. Sorry, Englishman, sir"

E’MAN: "Well if there could be a greater motivation to defeat Hitler then I don’t know what it is. I need my butler back."

W’MAN: "It might be nice to stop him killing the world’s Jews."

E’MAN: "Who?

W’MAN: "Jews. It was in that book you lent me. Hitler’s famous for killing all the Jews."

E’MAN: "Oh, yes. I remember. Their militants kept bombing us so we gave them Israel…then Palestinian militants starting bombing them"

W’MAN: "How ironic."

E’MAN: "Shut up, Welshman. If you ask me, King Edward XI had the right idea when we drove them into the sea in the 17th century"

W’MAN: "You know, some people might call you a racist for making remarks like that, Englishman. Not only that, but there was no King Edward XI!"

E’MAN: "Not at all! I don’t discriminate against any race. Anyone and everyone that isn’t British is simply sub-human – I make no further distinction than that; there’s simply no need. Except for the French…they’re more on a par with primordial slime than any living creature."

WELSHMAN nods: "So what’s our next move, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "There’s only one sure fire way of luring Nazis out of the woodwork. We must go to Berlin, dress as Communists and burn down the Reichstag."

W’MAN: "Hurrah! I mean, I think that might be illegal."

E’MAN: "That may be so, but it would be a far greater crime to let Hitler deprive the world of butlers."

W’MAN: "…and Jews."

E’MAN: "Yes, yes, whatever."

SCENE: Englishman is dressed in Russian soldier’s uniform; hammer and sickle clearly emblazoned on his chest. Welshman is looking dishevelled, dressed in rags, carrying a flag of the USSR. Englishman is pouring a can of petrol out over the Reichstag. Nazis appear, shambling forward like zombies – expressionless, arms outstretched.

NAZIS: "Jews…Jews…" "Communists!" "Urrrrr" "Grr".

Englishman and Welshman back away into the building. Englishman & Welshman burst through double doors into a large auditorium, in a far corner a man wearing a cloak is playing the organ. He swings round – it’s Hitler! (Looking very much like the Phantom of the Opera, but with moustache visible).

E’MAN: "Quick, Welshman, don’t let him get away!"

HITLER laughs maniacally

Englishman & Welshman race down the steps. There’s an explosion and Hitler disappears into a large cloud of smoke. The smoke clears, the laughing dies out and Hitler has disappeared by the time Englishman & Welshman reach the spot where he’d been. All the doors to the auditorium open and Nazi zombies start thronging in.

Fade to black.

SCENE fades back in. Zombies are closer.

W’MAN: "What are we going to do, Englishman? The zombies are almost upon us."

E’MAN: "Oh, and I suppose that’s my fault too(?)"

W’MAN: "Well we could have escaped if you hadn’t insisted we change back into our normal clothes!"

E’MAN: "Here, take hold of my cloak"

Welshman does so, Englishman points his cane ceiling-wards and fires a grappling hook, which reels in – pulling them to safety. Zombies look upwards and nearest ones making grasping actions.

SCENE – back in Englishman’s mansion.

W’MAN: "That was a narrow escape."

E’MAN: "Indeed. But at least we know what we’re up against. A full Nazi resurgence on a scale not seen since President Anthony Bear started introducing antiterrorist legislation in the UK exactly mirroring that of thirties Germany."

W’MAN: "Are you calling our premier a Nazi and a man who holds in contempt the rights and freedoms of the British people that have been entrenched and held sacrosanct since Magna Carta?"

E’MAN turns to camera: "Yes."

W’MAN: "But how are we going to beat Hitler if we don’t even know where he is?"

E’MAN: "Sometimes I think that you don’t listen to a word I say."

W’MAN: "Hmm?"

E’MAN: "The dye for those swastika armbands is unique. Now, I’ve been in contact with the company that manufactures that dye and I was able to find out where they ship it. Come Welshman, there’s not a moment to lose!"

Doodly doodly doodly doodly dooo!

SCENE: English & Welshman are peering through a skylight. Below them is a huge warehouse full of cages of butlers; they are somehow as pristine as ever. Standing at one end of the room, his back to them, is Hitler – no other Nazis can be seen.

E’MAN: "Hmm. You free the butlers and I’ll get Hitler."

W’MAN: "Roger."

E’MAN: "Stop calling me that. My name’s Englishman, you miscreant."

W’MAN: "Sorry, Englishman."

E’MAN: "So you should be. Now…let’s go."

They abseil down and Welshman begins freeing the butlers,

BUTLERS: "Oh, thank you!"

W’MAN: "Shh! Head for the doorway."

Englishman leaps on Hitler…the head falls off and rolls away – it’s a mannequin.

E’MAN: "It’s a trap!"

Suddenly Nazis appear everywhere. Camera switches to overhead view as butlers and Nazis fight it out. One butler cunningly proffers a tray of tea and sandwiches to a group of Nazis.

NAZI "Ach, danke." Then the butler throws scalding tea over them. Another butler presents a telephone on a tray –

BUTLER: "It’s for you."

NAZI: "Ja? Hallo? Zer ist nobody zer. Zey must haf hung up." The butler takes the opportunity to smash the Nazi over the head with the tray.

Viewing a computer display of events is Hitler.

HITLER: "Curses! Foilt again. I vill get you Englischman!"

Panning out from the view of Hitler, we see that he’s dwelling in a submarine volcano lair.

American general thanks Englishman as in background Nazis are all handcuffed and lined up being put in police vans.

GENERAL: "Good job, Englishman. We’ll take it from here. We’ve been looking for some of these war criminals for a long time and thanks to you they’re finally going to get the punishment they deserve – once they’ve had a fair trial in Nuremberg. But don’t you worry, they’ll be going down for a long, long time"

E’MAN: "Glad to hear it, general."

W’MAN: "Well, Englishman, another evil scheme foiled. Dozens of Nazis arrested. You must be feeling pretty pleased with yourself."

E’MAN: "An Englishman is never satisfied, Welshman. He knows that he can always do more and be better – and besides, you seem to be forgetting that there’s one Nazi that got away: the worst one of all."

W’MAN: "Hans Grueber?"

E’MAN: "He was a character in a film, Welshman – and not a Nazi. No, I’m talking about Hitler. And as long as he’s out there, the world will never be safe."

And he looks up into the night sky, covered in stars and we hear Hitler laughing (a crazy, witch-like high pitched laugh),

HITLER: "Ha ha ha ha haaa! I’ll get chu next veek, Englischman! A-ha hah ha ha haaa!"

END – roll credits.

SCENE: Down a dark New York alley, a mugging is in progress.

THUG: "Give me your purse!"

FEMALE VICTIM: "Save me, Englishman!"

Englishman, dressed impeccably in pin stripe suit, bowler hat and carrying his briefcase and umbrella, is strolling down 5th Avenue.

ENGLISHMAN: "What’s that I hear – a fair maiden of the New World in distress? This sounds like a job…for Englishman!"

Englishman rushes to change into his crime fighting fatigues. In front of ‘Ye Olde Englishe Theme Pub’ is an old red telephone box into which Englishman hurries. Englishman emerges from his trademark red phone box in his tweed suit, cape and deerstalker. He strides briskly off towards the sounds of trouble. Meanwhile, in England – Big Ben sounds two o’clock – and at Buckingham Palace-

THE QUEEN: "Time for afternoon tea, Philip."

DoE: "Coming, dear."

Back in New York –

E’MAN: "Good Lord! Is that the time? I can’t fight crime without afternoon tea and cakes. (How barbaric. I can’t afford to stoop to the level of these savages I’m fighting)"

Englishman enters ‘Ye Olde Englishe Theme Afternoon Tea and Cake Shoppe’ where he proceeds to finish off a pot of tea and a round of cakes (scones? Etc). 30 minutes later –

E’MAN: "Curses! I wasn’t fast enough."

MAN IN SMALL CROWD: "Don’t blame yourself, Englishman. It wasn’t your fault that no one got here in time."

E’MAN: "Yes, I suppose you’re right."

SCENE: Englishman is sipping tea in his diminutive fifteen storey English countryside mansion in the heart of New York with his butler stood to one side, cloth over arm, pot of tea in hand. The phone rings. Englishman picks up a pigeon nestling beside his chair and speaks into it.

E’MAN: "Englishman speaking."

US SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: "Oh thank goodness we’ve got hold of you, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Yes – what is it?"

SEC/DEF: "Something terrible has happened and you’re the only one that can save us. Please come immediately to the White House where we’ll explain everything."

E’MAN: "I’m as good as there. Just let me finish my tea."

Englishman arrives at JFK airport in chauffeur driven Rolls-Royce. Englishman notices a man (of Middle Eastern appearance) leaving a rucksack by the doorway and walking out of the airport. Being British and therefore thoroughly polite he picks up the rucksack and follows the man out.

E’MAN: "Excuse me. I think you left this behind."

SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER: "No. No I didn’t, you must be mistaken."

E’MAN: "No, I’m quite sure it was you, I saw you. I never forget a face."

S C: "Please, leave me alone" and the man hurries off to a waiting cab.

DRIVER: "Did you do it?"

S C: "Yes, but this English guy saw me and took the rucksack."

The two in the car don’t notice as Englishman puts the rucksack in the trunk of the cab, closes it, and waves jovially to the men inside before making his way back into the airport.

DRIVER: "Never mind. It’s bound to get someone no matter where it goes off."

And they drive off. As Englishman’s BA Concord flight from JFK to Washington DC takes off he sees an explosion on the freeway below.

E’MAN: "Gosh. I hope no one’s hurt. Stewardess? A newspaper and some tea, please."

STEWARDESS: "Yes, sir. Right away."

CONCORD’S CAPTAIN: "We are now reaching supersonic speed. Now slowing from supersonic speed. We hope you enjoyed your flight."

Whole flight has lasted maybe 10 seconds. Englishman touches down in Washington DC and is picked up in a Rolls Royce and chauffeur driven to the White House.

SECRET SERVICE GUY ON THE GATE: "Mr Englishman! Go right ahead, sir."

Inside:

SUIT: "Mr Englishman, this way please. They’re expecting you."

He is led into the Oval Office where the chair behind the desk has its back to the room, facing the window. It turns round, revealing the Governor General of the American Colonies.

ENGLISHMAN: "Yes, governor. How may I be of service?"

GOVERNOR: "The President will brief you. After all, everyone thinks that he runs America. No one ever found out that George Washington secretly struck a deal with us so that we could both be rid of the French and Britain got to keep America."

ENGLISHMAN: "Er, yes, why do you bring that up now? I know! I’m not a child in need of a history lesson! My great uncle was responsible for drawing up that treaty."

PRESIDENT: "Well, Englishman, this is the situation at present. As you are undoubtedly aware, oil tankers have been mysteriously disappearing at sea."

E’MAN: "Yes. I read about one or two going missing."

PRES: "That’s all we’ve allowed the media to report. Actually it’s much worse than that. If the truth got out we’d have panic on our hands. So far we’ve managed to blame the Iraq War for the price of oil going up, but it won’t be long before the truth comes out, and that’s why we need your help."

E’MAN: "I’ll do whatever I can, Mr President. By the way, could I get some tea?"

PRES: "Sure. Anyway, the situation is this. Dozens of oil tankers have just disappeared, all around this point." he points to a large map.

E’MAN: "Hmm…the Bermuda Triangle, my oldest, wettest and most geometrical nemesis. So, we meet again."

PRES: "Your job is to find out exactly what’s going on and to find those tankers and retrieve their precious cargo of oil."

E’MAN: "You can count on me, sir."

SCENE: Englishman and Scotchman are in a small wooden rowboat, sea all around.

E’MAN: "I need to go in for a closer look, but nobody has had the foresight to erect any telephone boxes around here. I’ll have to use the emergency box."

Scotchman produces it from his sporran, and Englishman steps out of the boat into the booth; re-emerging seconds later in full tweed uniform.

E’MAN: "Wait here, Scotchman."

SCOTCHMAN: "Och aye the noo"

Englishman steps overboard with his umbrella over his head and disappears beneath the waves.

On the ocean floor nothing seems to be happening, then a shadow is cast by a super tanker overhead and there appears a giant grappling hook. The supertanker is initially attacked and boarded by Nazi pirates in classic wooden pirate vessel with sails, armed with cannons. They swarm over the vessel, overcoming the crew. But as the crew begins to have some success, a giant squid wearing 8 Swastika armbands and a mind control collar around its neck wraps its limbs about the tanker and pulls it below the waves.

Englishman resurfaces.

E’MAN: "After it, Scotchman!"

S’MAN: "Och aye!"

Englishman watches over the side as Scotchman rows. Eventually it disappears and they stop.

E’MAN: "Where are we?"

WELSHMAN (who has appeared from nowhere, Scotchman has disappeared): "Just off the coast of Hitleria."

E’MAN: "You mean the world’s second biggest producer of oil, Hitleria?"

W’MAN: "Yes."

E’MAN: "Now it’s all starting to make sense. They can corner the world market in oil and set any price they want if they steal everyone else’s oil tankers."

W’MAN: "By jolly chinwags, you’re right, Englishman!"

E’MAN: "I’m going to find out what’s down there. Call for backup if I’m not back in two hours"

S’MAN (who has reappeared, while WELSHMANhas vanished): "Och aye,"

Again Englishman goes overboard and down to the seabed. He finds himself on top of a huge underwater volcano. On one side he finds a window, through which he peers.

E’MAN: "Hitler! I might have known."

And there, talking to some scientists in white coats, is Hitler. Dozens of super tankers lie all round the edge of the room (the bottom of the hollowed out volcano). As he watches the squid comes out of the bottom of the volcano, comes back with a ship, and Englishman jimmies open the airlock using his umbrella. As he’s entering, the Nazi squid appears behind Englishman. A fight ensues; Englishman is captured and brought before Hitler.

HITLER: "So, Inklishman. Chu may haf beaten me in Vorld Var II but, I sink, you vill not be so lucky zis time."

E’MAN: "Oh no? Aha!"

He runs one SS guard at his side through with his umbrella and then takes the other one out too by pulling his WWI German helmet down over his eyes. He runs for a large red button marked "self-destruct" (next to an identical large red button with "light switch" under it) and pushes it.

HITLER: "Nooooo! Eiiiiigghhtt! I mean, Neeeeiiinnn!"

…and Englishman escapes to the surface.

E’MAN: "Listen carefully, Welshman. This is the situation." Fades out. "…and so all of the tankers are still down there."

W’MAN: "But how can you possibly get them out?"

Scene cuts to Englishman and Welshman in their little boat surrounded by dozens of huge tankers.

W’MAN: "That was amazing, Englishman! I don’t know how you do it. Do it again!"

E’MAN: "Certainly not! I didn’t spend three years training at RADA so that I could entertain people."

Hitler escapes by U-boat, pulled by giant squid, Hitler at the reins –

HITLER: "Ach! Curses! Now my plans are ruined. Unt I vud haf gotten avay vith it if it vosn’t for zat pesky Inklishman."

Englishman is presented with medal aboard HMS Imperial Grandiosity, a motor launch usually on guard duty at the nearby US naval base Several American battleships and Carrier Groups loom in the background. The Royal Navy officers are resplendent in full dress tweed uniforms. The sailors’ uniform is neon pink hotpants & sailors’ hats – they’re on board jet skis –

E’MAN: "Britannia rules the waves indeed (!) Greenpeace has a more impressive fleet than us! What has become of our once proud navy? And I don’t know about you, Welshman, but there’s something awfully queer about this navy, I can’t quite put my finger on it"

SAILORS: "Ooh pardon! Be nice!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Englishman is walking along the street when a tourist stops him to ask directions. At that moment a bag snatcher/diamond thief runs from the British Museum showering the street with diamonds –

MUSEUM CURATOR: "Help! Stop thief!"

Englishman raises his umbrella and turns to point where the tourist should be heading, accidentally skewering the thief.

ONLOOKER: "Bravo, Englishman, you’ve done it again!"

ENGLISHMAN: "Don’t thank me. Thank Fothergill’s, manufacturers of the finest ivory umbrellas and atomic sundials since the seventeenth century, [to camera] by appointment to His Majesty the King. Sale now on."

ONLOOKER: The King?

CREDITS

Hugh Laurie is Englishman

Warwick Davis is Quasimodo

Gerard Depardieu is Frenchman

Who's Welshman?

Night time, dark, silhouette of Frenchman, & hunchbacked man (Quasimodo) outside the Louvre [two identical silhouettes. Frenchman stops, puts down sack and stands up, Quasi doesn’t, because the hump is his hump]. A pile of boxes filled with pigeons gently cooing stands behind them. Quasimodo pulls out a jack, places it under the corner of the glass pyramid, and slowly works it up. An alarm sounds, and Frenchman and Quasimodo rush under the gap, with Quasimodo hurrying back and forth carrying pigeons. As the gendarmerie arrive, blowing whistles and waving angrily, Quasimodo knocks out the jack. A countdown begins, broadcast on loudspeakers: "Dix, neuf, huit, sept." and the pyramid hinges open to one side. A cloud of smoke billows up from below ground into the night air.

FRENCHMAN: "Smoke harder, Quasimodo. We need more hot air."

Balloon is being lifted by hot air generated from smoking – then pulled by pigeons.

QUASIMODO: *Cough* "Monsieur, I can barely breathe!"

F’MAN: "What kind of Frenchman are you? Sartre must be turning in ees grave!"

From the hole in the ground rises the Montgolfier Brothers' balloon, lifted by Quasimodo's frantic puffing on several dozen Gauloises and Turkish cigarettes, and directed by trained pigeons.

GENDARMES: "Zey’re getting away!"

The whistling re-intensifies. The balloon is concealed in a big cloud of smoke; stops and anchors at nearby Eiffel Tower. The gendarmerie are unable to locate it. Cue several shots of it hanging over the heads of assorted gendarmes who are scratching their heads in a perplexed manner.

Cut to England:

Englishman is reading two newspapers (broadsheet, naturally) simultaneously – one story on ‘Theft of Montgolfier hot air balloon from the Louvre’ and ‘Mysterious disappearances of racing pigeons being reported’ [pigeons to pull the balloon]; small article says, ‘Royal Mint still missing’, Welshman reading "Eiffel Tower Daily" ‘Eiffel Tower still closed for renovation’. Only Englishman makes the connection.

E’MAN: "Hmm…unless I’m very much mistaken – which I’m not – Frenchman is behind this. He’s plotting something…but what?"

WELSHMAN: "Frenchman? I say, Englishman, how do you do it?"

Englishman goes off into long rambling story about his time in Africa, African witchdoctors and his good friend Dr Livingstone. E.g. fading in and out –

Englishman: …"Livingston, not a very good explorer. In fact if it weren’t for me he wouldn’t have got out of England. Got lost on his way to the port, you see."

Fade out and in again.

…"There we were, stranded, without food, water or any means of contacting the outside world, when these pygmies came out of nowhere. Well, they seemed friendly enough – but I wasn’t taking any chances, so I killed them all and, gosh, did we have a feast that night!"

Fade out and in again.

…"and a few days later the witchdoctor sent us on our way with a phial of scorpion blood each. Apparently a potent aphrodisiac – (though you’d have to ask Mrs Englishman about that!)"

Fade out and in again.

…"and we arrived back in England on the 4th. Ahhhh…happy times…I still have the hideous, disfiguring scars to this day."

W’MAN: "And that’s how you learnt all your skills of observation and deduction?"

E’MAN: "What? Don’t be silly. That story was about how I cured the crick in my back."

TV news comes on –

NEWSCASTER: "Breaking news just coming in. A few minutes ago, and I must stress that these are preliminary unconfirmed reports, Frenchman made off with the Bank of England suspended under the Louvre’s missing Montgolfier balloon, being towed by thousands of pigeons. I repeat, the Bank of England has been stolen – latest reports indicate that it is heading towards France."

W’MAN: "Frenchman’s getting away!"

E’MAN: "Don’t worry, he won’t get far. There’s no way that balloon will fit through the Channel Tunnel and since it can’t go by ferry either, there’s no way for him to get across to France."

W’MAN: "Er…Englishman?"

E’MAN: "Don’t worry about it. The police will get him once he reaches the sea. Now I’m going for a nap – and I do not wish to be disturbed"

So Frenchman escapes. Englishman eventually wakes up.

E’MAN: "Well, why didn’t they stop him?"

W’MAN: "He was flying, Englishman"

E’MAN: "Curses! Frenchman has done it again! And where were the RAF during all this?"

W’MAN: "They’re in Iraq"

E’MAN: "What? Both Jimmy and Bufton? We really need more pilots. [To camera] and that means more spending on Defence, you Brussels bureaucrats in your ivory towers in Whitehall."

W’MAN: "I’m afraid so."

E’MAN: "Well, I guess it’s all up to me…again. I wouldn’t mind if only I was recognised in some small way…say a knighthood."

Text screens along the bottom of the screen: The writers and producers in no way believe that they should be recognised by being given knighthoods. Frankly, they’re not worth the paper they’re written on. If one were to receive, say, a hereditary peerage, then one might rethink one’s general opposition to such worthless, cronyism rewarding, empty awards. But not about lifetime peerages or knighthoods. Pah! Damned un-English!

The characters wait patiently for the text to vanish, inspecting their fingernails and picking at invisible lint.

E’MAN: "How to find him…how to find him…"

W’MAN: "Never mind, Englishman. You can’t win them all. Anyway, what do you think about this 40ft long dining table that’s featured in this month’s Evil Lair magazine"

E’MAN: "Really, Welshman, I don’t know why you buy that magazine . . . great Scott!"

W’MAN: "What is it Englishman?"

E’MAN: "They’ve put their soup spoons where their dessert spoons should go. They really have to sack their butler. But wait! You say this is Frenchman’s evil lair?"

W’MAN: "No…"

E’MAN: "Look here, in the background, what do you see?"

W’MAN: "Well . . . Paris?"

E’MAN: "No you idiot!" *spends next 20 seconds beating him with the magazine* "Oh wait . . . you’re right. My mistake"

W’MAN: "No. My fault entirely"

E’MAN: "Yes. Yes, it was. Don’t let it happen again. But look here, this spider only lives at high altitude, which means . . ."

W’MAN: "He’s living in the balloon?"

E’MAN: "What have I told you about interrupting?! No, you idiot. You think the man has a 40ft dining table in a balloon? He’s not Imelda Marcos!"

W’MAN: "I thought that was shoes . . ."

E’MAN: "It means that he must be in the Eiffel Tower, the scene of countless guillotinings of the French Aristocracy during the Revolution"

W’MAN: "But I thought it was built after . ."

E’MAN: "Quiet you! Now, there are two schools of thought when it comes to disguising oneself as a French man, Welshman, so pay close attention."

Englishman disguises himself as Quasimodo to infiltrate Frenchman’s operation.

SCENE: cuts to Paris – Camera pans out from "Champs Elysees" street sign. All the people are in pairs – one onion seller stereotype, one Quasimodo. Englishman coughs and puts his hand over his mouth, a passer-by eyes him suspiciously.

E’MAN: "I mean: *he coughs and splutters in a loud French-esque throat clearing*

PARISIAN: "Bien, mon ami. For a moment I thort you were Eengleesh" *Raucous French-esque laughter from Englishman*

PARISIAN: "’Ave a Baguette!"

He produces from his pocket a French loaf with a live frog in it – temporarily. The frog leaps out.

E’MAN: "No, thank you. I had snails for lunch"

PARISIAN: "Zuit yourself" *runs after frog* "’Ey! Come back you! I already fished you out of the Seine once."

Englishman heads towards Eiffel Tower; at the base he finds the Bank of England.

E’MAN: "The bank! I’d recognise it anywhere." Walks inside –

GOVERNOR: "Thank goodness – Englishman!"

E’MAN: "Is my money safe? I mean – is everyone safe?"

GOVERNOR: "Mostly, although John is delirious from tea deprivation"

E’MAN: "Here, I have some supplies on me for just such an emergency."

‘John’ is muttering, wide eyed, shaking, very pale, sweating profusely, etc.

GOV: "We tried to get help, but no one spoke English. It was terrible. *whispering* They spat at us and laughed. That bone chilling laugh, I can still hear it now."

E’MAN: "There, there, it’s all right now. Help is on the way. Just hold tight whilst I infiltrate Frenchman’s evil lair and find out what he’s up to."

GOV: "Good luck, Englishman! And Godspeed."

Englishman walks out Bank, peers at building opposite.

E’MAN: "So that’s where the Royal Mint got to . . . I was beginning to wonder. Anyway, another mystery solved!"

He goes into Eiffel Tower.

F’MAN: "Zere you are, Quasimodo! Where ‘ave you been? No, eet doesn’t matter. Zere is much to do. Come." … "Well, ‘urry up! Poot in your curd"

E’MAN: "My curd?"

F’MAN: "Oui, your curd. Don’t tell me you ‘ave forgotten eet already? You really are ‘opeless as a sidekeek, Quasimodo!"

E’MAN: "Aha! It’s me! Englishman. I simply disguised myself as your sidekick to infiltrate your operations and find out all about your dastardly schemes!"

F’MAN: "Zen shouldn’t you ‘ave waited until we were inside?"

E’MAN: "Curses! On guard!" *draws umbrella as sword* "Oh wait…this is my umbrella, not my umbrella sword."

Meanwhile, back in England:

It's raining, so the butler opens an umbrella, pinioning the maid to the cupboard.

But whilst Englishman struggles with sword, Frenchman pulls lever, steps retract, Eiffel Tower becomes giant helter skelter down which Englishman slides.

He looks upwards at Eiffel Tower:

E’MAN: "Frenchman. I know you’re in there, come down and face your punishment like a man."

F’MAN: "I am no man! I am French. I am a coward. I flee like a mangy dog if zere is any threat of violence. It eez a trait of my people. We ‘ave been like zees for years – especially against zee Germans. We prefer you Breeteesh to do zee fighting for us and then we can act snooty and pretend to ourselves zat we could have won on our own if only you hadn’t interfered. It ees our national pastime to resent people for ‘elp-eeng us."

Frenchman escapes by balloon, followed by Englishman in his chauffeur driven Rolls Royce.

E'MAN: "Careful, Smythe! You'll make me spill my tea."

CHAUFFEUR: "Yes, sir. Very good, sir."

No change in the driving occurs.

Frenchman lands at EuroDisney, and Englishman arrives just behind him! Fleeing to the rollercoaster, Frenchman jumps aboard. Englishman vaults the barrier, leaping into the back seat of the final carriage.

Fourteen minutes later:

WELSHMAN: "This is getting us nowhere!"

E'MAN: "Not if I can help it!"

He opens door and steps out.

W'MAN: "No, Englishman! We’re 100ft in the air."

E'MAN: "Woah!" *he clings onto the door* "Curses!"

Scene cuts back to England, Welshman is consoling a frowning Englishman.

W'MAN: "Don’t worry, we’ll get him next week."

E'MAN: "Yes, I suppose you’re right. We just have to hope that by next week it isn’t too late."

Camera pans out from Englishman and shows cover of newspaper with main story "Palace of Versailles stolen in daring daylight raid – Frenchman suspected".

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Englishman is on holiday in Cuba. Sat in the presidential palace, on the balcony with good friend Fidel Castro, who is trying to explain communism:

FIDEL CASTRO: "…So there you have it: the state looks after everybody and everybody is equal."

ENGLISHMAN: "No, I’m sorry, old boy, you’ve lost me. But I must say, you foreign types certainly are quaint in your customs, I’ll give you that."

FIDEL: "You don’t understand? Here, it is very simple . . ."

E’MAN: "But look here, old man. If it wasn’t for capitalism then there’d be no greed and no one would have any motivation – and my butler would be out of a job and thus unable to steal my silver anymore *scene cuts to butler stealing silver and replacing it with plastic cutlery painted silver – open pack of ‘Cheap Co.'s plastic cutlery’ on side next to can of silver spray paint* – and then how would he be able to support his family?"

FIDEL: "People want to work for the good of society as a whole."

E’MAN: "No, no. It’ll never catch on. People just aren’t like that. Though obviously you’ve done alright for yourself through social equality in your little socialist utopia, what?" *looking round at the palace*

FIDEL: "It is the people’s palace."

E’MAN: "Lots of servants."

FIDEL: "The people’s servants!"

E’MAN: "Hmm . . . if you say so, Fidel."

Servant approaches with telephone on tray

SERVANT: "Excuse me, sir, telephone for you."

E’MAN: "Thank you… yes?"

MAN’S VOICE: "Englishman, is that you? Report immediately for duty, something incredible is happening and we need your help."

E’MAN: "I’m on my way. Thank you for your hospitality, but I fear I must be going. And thank you for this lovely owonga that one of your voodoo priests gave to me."

FIDEL: *Turns pale and coughs out a cloud of cigar smoke* "That is a death owonga. He wants you to die."

E’MAN: "Like I said, how very quaint! Toodle-oo!"

SCENE: back in England, Englishman is in 10 Downing Street (camera zooms in through window).

HEAD OF MI5: "This is a report taped earlier this evening."

TV NEWSREADER: "We’re getting reports that dolphins all over the world are acting strangely – dragging people near beaches out to sea to die; capsizing small boats; and one unconfirmed report of a dolphin at Seaworld Florida snatching a gun from a security guard and shooting several members of the audience dead"

M: "Obviously Hitler has an underwater device – sound waves or something – which is turning dolphins evil. We need you to go in and stop him."

E’MAN: "Yes, yes . . . but what can I do?"

MI5: "Um . . . we, we need you to stop him. Didn’t I just say that?"

E’MAN: "You don’t need to tell me twice. Hitler will be done with in two shakes of a hamster’s tail."

M: "Thank you, Englishman. We knew that we could count on you." *To the PM* "Do hamsters have tails?" *PM shrugs his shoulders.*

E’MAN: "Come, Welshman, the game’s afoot! One should never underestimate a dolphin, Welshman, they’re as cunning as an eel and slippery as a fox."

WELSHMAN: "Er . . . I don’t think that came out quite right, Englishman"

E’MAN: "Quiet you, or it’s back to the colonies where I found you"

W’MAN: "Please! Not back to Wales! I’ll be good!"

SCENE: Englishman & Welshman are on deck of large wooden sailing ship

E’MAN: "Hmm . . . evil dolphins. There hasn’t been anything this serious since those acid spraying jellyfish sank RMS Titanic. I knew the government shouldn’t have covered it up with the iceberg story. When people don’t know about these things then they can’t be prepared. Nelson! How long ‘til we reach Hitleria?"

NELSON: "About three weeks, if the wind remains fair."

E’MAN: "Hmm…perhaps we should have taken the Concord after all. Still . . . too late now."

W’MAN: "Just out of interest, Englishman, but why are we going to Hitleria if Hitler’s behind this? And if the device is underwater, then wouldn’t we be better looking at sea?"

E’MAN: "Once again, Welshman, you show why I am the master and you the runt, with your inane nincompoopery. We are going to Hitleria because I am good friends with the reclusive king of Hitleria, Adolf Fuehrer, and he may be willing to help us and because Hitleria is home to much of the world’s oil, and if we are to sail the seas indefinitely looking for this blasted underwater contraption, then we are going to need fuel to power the ship’s sails. Really, Welshman, if you were any stupider you could have passed GCSE History!"

LOOKOUT SHOUTING FROM CROW’S NEST: "Pirates off the starboard bow!"

*Nelson looks through his telescope using his blind eye*

NELSON: "Hmm… they must have some kind of cloaking mechanism or smoke screen generator."

E’MAN: "Now try this eye." As Englishman moves the telescope to Nelson’s good eye

NELSON: "Good Lord! How do you do it, Englishman? There they are all right. Nazi pirates, the worst kind of pirates. Men, to battle stations!"

Commotion, cannons firing, men running, divers alarums, etc.

E’MAN: "But what would Nazi pirates be doing here . . unless . . . gentlemen, I think we may have found the underwater dolphin evil-ifying device."

W’MAN: "Look! Dolphins – thousands of them. I think we should beat a hasty retreat and regroup."

E’MAN & NELSON: "NEVER!"

Nelson charges to side of boat trying to leap over to engage the enemy single-handed, but crew manage to restrain him.

E’MAN: "An Englishman never retreats! He dies gloriously in all the glory of war and death for the country he loves – Canada! I mean, England!"

NELSON: "Over my brandy pickled dead body will we retreat! Prepare to board that ship!"

Much commotion as men run around, cannons are still being fired, men take to rigging.

On board the Nazi pirate ship – the commander, think a cross between stereotypical Nazi officer and weather worn pirate captain of legend – so swastika armband, green parrot on shoulder, jack boots and grey pirate costume, hat a cross between German officer & tricorn. Has SS badge – stands for Seven Seas. Pirate flag of skull surrounded by bones in swastika formation.

OFFICER: "Ach, mein Herr Kapitan, Englischers sighted!"

CAPTAIN: "Avast mein maties, zose Englisch sea hunds vud not dare attack us"

OFFICER: "Ach! Zey are coming straight for us! And zey are firing on us!"

CAPTAIN: *in disbelief* "Nein…"

OFFICER: "Ja!"

CAPTAIN: "Return fire! Use zee mustard gas cannonballs!"

Back aboard HMS Victory.

E’MAN: "What wrong with you, Welshman?"

W’MAN: *chokes out* "Mustard…gas!"

E’MAN: "Yes, yes. I am partial to a bit of the old Coleman’s mustard. Breathe it in – good for the lungs!"

Welshman just stares back wide eyed in disbelief whilst clutching his throat with both hands. By now dolphins are all round the ship, flying up onto deck and fighting with crewmen.

NELSON: "It’s no use, the Nazis are getting away."

E’MAN: "Let’s call for reinforcements and then pursue them."

The call goes through and back in Britain…

SCENE: air raid-esque siren goes off, "All men report for duty" and we sea hundreds of seals bouncing down beaches/rocky outcrops, and jumping into the sea. British seals (think RAF – whiskers as moustaches; flying hats; walrus in overall command) vs nazi dolphins under command of giant squid. Dolphins retreat, leaving Englishman’s ship alone. All quiet..

LOOKOUT: "Look! They’re coming back!"

E’MAN: "Curses! But wait – what’s that on the horizon? Seals! The reinforcements have arrived!"

Big cheer goes up

Huge battle scene ensues, dolphins vs seals. Squid is taking on 8 seals at a time, throwing them off.

E’MAN: "They just need to keep them busy a little longer until I can pinpoint the location of the device . . . there! Got it! Welshman, do you have the depth charges?

Nelson’s arm is shot off

NELSON: "Don’t worry, that was my wooden arm. Wait…no it wasn’t!" *He gets shot again in other arm* "Ah, a little academic now."

*A shrapnel wound, skin falls over good eye – staggers around blindly, walks in front of cannon – which fires. Nelson flies, propelled by the cannonball he’s clutching to his stomach, onto giant squid which is still wrestling 8 seals. Mind control collar is pulled off squid in the battle. Squid blinks (his lidless eyes), then shakes head and starts fighting for the goodies.* Device is destroyed and dolphins turn good, Nazi pirates sail off into distance.

W’MAN: "I don’t think that’s the last we’ll see of them."

E’MAN: "If only that were true...if only that were true." Welshman looks at Englishman with a puzzled expression, but just sighs and says nothing.

END – Englishman adopts squid to rehabilitate him. SCENE is in Englishman’s vast country mansion (in the heart of New York City).

W’MAN: "But Englishman, that was a giant squid – it can only survive at great depth and in salt water."

E’MAN: "Oh . . "

Squid is visible through window over Englishman’s shoulder, lying dead on surface of Englishman’s lake.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode! Includes special guest appearances by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger as Professor Albert Einstein, and Futurama's Doctor Zoidberg (in a wig) as Isaac Newton!

SCENE: in Englishman’s living room. Englishman’s sideline in Englishman merchandise – doorbells – plays ‘Westminster’, Rule Britannia, and God Save the Queen. Man is demonstrating prototype model for Englishman’s approval –

MAN: "As head of your merchandising division I think we’re on to a real winner with these patriotic doorbell chimes. I have a really good feeling that they’re going to sell like hotcakes and I think you’ll like them too. They play the classic ‘Westminster’ chime, Rule Britannia and of course-"

ENGLISHMAN: "Well, chop chop – I haven’t got all day. Let’s hear them, then."

Chime plays national anthem (‘Rebellious Scots’ verse plays in Englishman’s head) – Englishman goes into trance and beats nearby Scotchman with his walking cane. Doorbell stops as Englishman is pulled off Scotchman.

"I don’t know what came over me. Scotchman my oldest dearest and most subjugated north-of-the-border friend – can you ever forgive me?"

SCOTCHMAN [croaks out] "Och …aye..." *coughs and passes out.*

E’MAN: "Hmm. Butler! Tidy this up won’t you? Scotchman – you bleed on the rug – you pay for it. Now what were you saying?"

MAN: "Er…the doorbells?"

E’MAN: "Yes, yes, very good. Go ahead and put them on sale"

MAN: "Um…maybe a bit more testing wouldn’t go amiss."

E’MAN: "I said do it!"

MAN: "Yes, sir!"

Butler returns from tidying up Scotchman.

BUTLER: "Telegram for you, sir."

E’MAN: "Thank you, Butler. Isn’t it wonderful that we still live in a country where everyone communicates by telegram rather than modern methods such as by telephone, e-mail and *shudders* uhhhh – "texting"? [draws the word out in disgust]"

E’MAN mutters the words of the telegram: "‘Be at the Tower of London tonight STOP’ and it’s signed ‘a friend’. See what you make of this, Welshman."

He hands over the telegram.

WELSHMAN: "Well, I would say that it’s obviously a trap."

E’MAN: "Right. Which means that it can’t possibly be a trap."

W’MAN: "I don’t follow…"

E’MAN: "Clearly only an idiot would actually do what the note says…which is precisely why it cannot be a trap. I will therefore be doing just what the note says."

W’MAN: "Er…yesss. I’m still not sure I really understand."

E’MAN: "And that is why you will always be the expendable sidekick and I will always be the superhero, steeped in glory on a weekly basis and thoroughly beloved by the public. Now bow your head in shame and tell Butler to prepare my carriage – we have a date at the Tower!"

SCENE: Horse drawn carriage draws up outside the Tower.

BEEFEATER: "Why, Englishman, sir, to what do we owe the pleasure of such a visit?"

E’MAN: "I have received information that suggests that the Crown Jewels may be in danger."

B/EATER: "Really?!"

E’MAN: "I’m afraid so. And I fear only one man would dare stoop so low."

W’MAN: "A champion Jamaican limbo dancer?"

E’MAN: "Shut up, Welshman. No – I refer of course to that most revolting, unwashed, onion selling – and worst of all - French nemesis of mine: Frenchman!"

W’MAN: Gasp!

E’MAN: "Quite so."

W’MAN: "But why would he steal them, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "Once he’s got his hands on the Crown Jewels there would be no stopping him, Welshman. If he had them he would then be able to invoke a long forgotten 12th century law and be able to legitimately crown himself king of England – and ergo the world – which is entirely owned by England. (Englishman turns to face the camera at this point and remains silent for a second or two). And such a prospect is too horrifying even to contemplate. Plus for Frenchman there would be a further incentive: as everyone knows, the King of England is also the true King of France. So, Beefeater – it is imperative that I receive your full co-operation in the matter and with any luck Frenchman will be behind bars by sunset."

B/EATER: "Of course, sir."

E’MAN: "Good. First of all I need you to give me access to the room where the Crown Jewels are stored."

B/EATER: "I’m afraid I’m not authorised to allow that."

E’MAN: "I’ll take full responsibility!"

B/EATER: "Oh, in that case…then here you are" and he hands over a large key.

E’MAN: "Very good. Come, Welshman, we must find ourselves a suitable hiding place from where we can keep watch on the Jewels and we must then lie in wait"

W’MAN: "For how long?"

E’MAN: "As long as it takes."

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are tucked away in a dark corner. Englishman has nodded off, we go into his dream: back in the trenches of WW1, wearing his tweed uniform of the British Army, he’s ordering men over the top (redcoats), whilst sitting on his shooting stick, shotgun open, his butler beside him (spare cartridges on a silver tray). Shoots German snipers at distance (using shotgun) / shoots down shells that are flying overhead. Looks out over top of trenches – all his men are dead.

E’MAN: "Hmm…looks like I’ll need some more men. Gosh – this is fun! I’m so glad I bought this army commission." He says to a younger looking Butler who is stood beside him. Switches to scene at the Palace – medal being pinned on his chest by the King. Camera view switches back to the present – a dozing Englishman is talking in his sleep

E’MAN: "Thank you, your majesty…Yes – I have come quite far today. Zzzz."

W’MAN: "Psst! Wake up, Englishman. I think there’s someone coming."

E’MAN: "Huh!? I was having the nicest dream."

They sit and listen intently. Footsteps echo down the corridor, growing louder. They stop outside the door.

VOICE (Frenchman): "Come on, come on! We ‘aven’t got all day you fool!"

VOICE (Quasimodo): "Oui, monsieur"

VOICE (F’MAN): "All right – get back."

BOOM! – door is blown apart. Smoke fills the room.

E’MAN: "Get them!" Welshman blows furiously on a whistle to summon Beefeater & Police help.

Sounds of a scuffle.

FRENCHMAN: "Ahh [high pitched girlish scream] Queek! Zee jewels"

E’MAN: "Ah ha ha ha! Thought you’d get away, did you, Frenchman? Well, I’ve got you this time!"

Smoke clears. Englishman has apprehended a battered and bloodied Welshman. The Crown Jewels are gone – each piece replaced by a large French cheese.

E’MAN: "Ah…sorry old chap"

W’MAN: "Quite all right. But hadn’t we better go after them?"

They get to the door in time to see Quasimodo disappear around a corner down the corridor. Scene switches to show Frenchman, followed by Quasimodo, descending a very narrow spiral staircase. Coming up are the police, blowing whistles, and beefeaters – all are sent tumbling by the fleeing Frenchman as he cannonballs down the stairs. Scene is now at the bottom where the staircase comes out. All the police are in a heap – close up shows Frenchman & Quasimodo stand on a policeman’s head as they make their escape. Head comes up – blows whistle – is then squashed again by the pursuing Englishman & Welshman. Swallows whistle, chain coming out of mouth along with a feeble whistling sound. Englishman & Welshman burst out and look around – even turning around to look up the building – but there’s no sign of the thieves.

E’MAN: "Curses, it happened again."

W’MAN: "What do you mean ‘again’?"

E’MAN: "I must confess, the Crown Jewels were stolen on my watch once before."

W’MAN: "How?"

E’MAN: "It was long before your time, Welshman. MI6 had received intelligence that the IRA had hatched a plan to Crown its leader Gerry Adams the King of England. I was dispatched to stop them. Much like tonight I lay waiting in ambush. However, at 2 o’clock I went for afternoon tea just as I always do. Who could have known that the IRA would be so scurrilous and impertinent as to choose that precise moment to attack?"

W’MAN: "How very un-English of them."

E’MAN: "Precisely! Anyway – I left my position and went and had my tea. When I got back I found the Jewels gone."

W’MAN: "How ever did you get them back?"

E’MAN: "Well, they hadn’t got far. Obviously I didn’t work alone in those days. Waiting outside was a squad of SAS troopers who scythed the terrorists down with automatic gunfire as they left the Tower."

W’MAN: "Bravo!"

E’MAN: "Bravo indeed."

A radio crackles: "Attention all units, attention all units – Frenchman has been spotted escaping by boat."

E’MAN: "To the Thames!"

SCENE: #Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves!# Englishman is stood on the bow of a Royal Navy frigate of the late 18th or early 19th century, one foot up on the bow, his hand inside the chest of his 19th century naval uniform. The frigate is bearing down on the much smaller speedboat of Frenchman

F’MAN: "Zey’re gaining on us. Can’t zee theeng go any faster?"

Englishman leaps down just at the frigate smashes into Tower Bridge. And is taken out of the pursuit. Welshman looks up (from his position in a life ring in the river) at the bridge as the frigate sinks.

W’MAN: "Tower Bridge? That doesn’t make any sense at all! Frenchman must have moved it to set a trap for us."

SCENE: back to Frenchman’s boat. A struggle is in progress. The speedboat crashes near the Millennium Dome, and Frenchman and Quasimodo race onto the peninsular, closely pursued by Englishman. They mount the Dome, and scurry up a rope ladder hanging from the waiting Montgolfier balloon, and escape. Englishman, being overcome by onion fumes and close to passing out, grabs the sack containing the Crown Jewels at the last moment, and jumps overboard, sliding down the outside of the structure until he finally comes to a stop. He coughs in pain as he holds on with one hand, while holding the sack containing the Jewels in the other.

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are reunited back at the Tower. Englishman hands over the sack to an important looking official.

E’MAN: "The Jewels, I think you’ll find. Safe and sound and returned to their rightful place. And it was all thanks to me…"

OFFICIAL: "These aren’t the Jewels" he tells a thoroughly shocked Englishman.

E’MAN: "Let me see!" peers into the bag.

E’MAN: "Wait a minute…I wonder" and he nods knowingly having just realised something very important.

SCENE: Up in the Jewel room

E’MAN: "Gentlemen, I’m about to say something that may shock and astound you. No one stole the Crown Jewels at all – in fact, they never even left this room."

OFFICIAL: "What are you talking about? We all know that Frenchman broke in here tonight and stole the Jewels from right under your nose. You’re a disgrace and a failure."

E’MAN: "You take that remark back, sir, or your reputation and honour will be in tatters when you hear what I have to say"

OFFICIAL: "Harrumph!"

E’MAN: "Very well. Have it your way. As Frenchman would say…voila!" and he picks up the nearest cheese to reveal that it’s hollow – and underneath is a crown.

Assembled officials, beefeaters, policemen: "Wonderful!" "Brilliant!" "Amazing!"

E’MAN: "Please, please! It’s all in a day’s work."

SCENE: back at the Englishmansion.

E’MAN: "What are you playing at Welshman?"

W’MAN: "I’m writing down your adventures for posterity."

E’MAN: "Don’t be absurd. No one cares what you have to say. But that does give me an idea. Another official biography would earn me lots of money, and heaven knows it costs an arm and a leg to maintain this place. Good thinking, Welshman – I’ll finally be able to do something about the woodworm in the East wing."

Camera cuts to outside view…where a large section of the house collapses into a dusty pile of rubble.

SCENE: Englishman’s Drawing Room

ENGLISHMAN: "I’ve decided to make a charitable donation, Welshman. Fetch me one of those flamboyantly homosexual, oversized-novelty cheques."

Welshman bounds out, comes back in on all fours carrying the cheque in his mouth.

E’MAN: "Good boy!" ruffles Welshman ’s hair, who acts like a dog, wide-eyed, tongue lolling and expectant of a treat.

E’MAN: "Oh – want a reward, do we?" Pulls bell pull to call Butler, who enters by sliding down the bell rope.

BUTLER: "You rang, sir?"

E’MAN: "Yes, give Welshman a biscuit." Welshman jumps up and down, Butler tosses him a biscuit, which Welshman jumps up and catches in his mouth. Welshman returns to normal and sits down as Englishman makes out the cheque.

WELSHMAN: "Um…you do know what ‘homosexual’ means don’t you, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "Well…it means…no."

W’MAN: "No, I thought not. You use it in a very odd way sometimes. It means…when two people of the same gender are in a relationship." Englishman looks taken aback, then laughs a loud belly laugh.

E’MAN: "HA HA HA! Really, Welshman! You almost had me there! We’ll have to put you on stage, you flamboyantly homosexual comedian you!" Welshman rolls his eyes and bows his head and shakes it in dismay/resigned frustration.

E’MAN: "Now if you’ll accompany me, Welshman, I was going to inspect my estate. We need to fell some of the older trees for winter firewood. Come along."

SCENE: Outside. A group of children walk by in background of Englishman and co.

W’MAN: "Englishman, where do all these children come from at the weekends?"

E’MAN: "I pay their bursaries, which allows them to go to a good school they wouldn’t otherwise be able to attend – and in return I get cheap labour."

W’MAN: "That’s terrible!"

E’MAN: "Why? They’re learning a trade. And besides, kids like little Jimmy there enjoy cleaning the gutters." Welshman looks up towards roof.

JIMMY: "Aaaargh!" SPLAT!

W’MAN: "Oh, no!"

E’MAN: "Don’t worry, Welshman. Plenty more where he came from. Butler? See to that, won’t you?"

BUTLER: "Yes, sir."

W’MAN: "You know that you’ll probably face manslaughter charges for that little boy’s death, Englishman."

E’MAN: "That’s where you’re wrong, Welshman. The aristocracy will always be one step ahead of you bleeding heart, anti-child labour, socialist UN liberals."

W’MAN: "What do you mean?"

E’MAN: "This land belongs to crown estates and is therefore exempt from all health and safety legislation. Mwuhwahahahaha!"

SCENE: Exterior then supposed interior of Buckingham Palace – child chimney sweep drops down in to fireplace. Rumbling. Sweep looks confused, then realises something – looks up quickly.

SWEEP: "Oh…Mary Poppins!" is drowned in cascade of soot.

SCENE: back to Englishman’s large country estate in Manhattan. He’s felling a tree on his estate with a hedgetrimmer. Englishman getting nowhere, exhausted

E’MAN: "There…I’ve weakened it for you, Scotchman." – Scotchman finishes it, tosses it away like caber – hits passing convoy – mayor of New York gets out of limo.

MAYOR: "Whenever there’s a tree falling…Englishman is involved; whenever there’s a revolt over tea imports, Englishman is involved; whenever there’s a war about taxes and political representation, Englishman is involved. Whenever there’s a needless slaughter of American War of Independence recreationists ENGLISHMAN IS INVOLVED!"

SCENE: <<FLASHBACK wades into re-enactment of Bunker Hill/Lexington&Concord/etc

E’MAN: "Take that, George Washington!" Angrily, skewering him with a bayonet, his wooden false teeth flying out of his mouth.

W’MAN: "Englishman! They’re just actors!"

SCENE: Back to the present

E’MAN: "I refuse to apologise for that. No true Englishman would ever apologise – it’s a sign of weakness. I’m sorry but that’s just the way it is. I mean, how many times do I have to say I’m sorry?"

MAYOR: "Listen very carefully, Englishman. This is your last chance. You slip up on my watch just once more and you’ll regret it."

E’MAN: "What could you possibly do to me?"

MAYOR: "I’ll revoke your licence to be English."

E’MAN: "You wouldn’t dare, sir! That licence was granted to me by the English Speaking Board and the only way it will be taken from me is if you pry it from my cold dead hand…or should that be ‘prise’?" followed by a wave of the hand and a dismissive "Huh!"

MAYOR: "Try me!"

E’MAN: "Damn and blast. You, sir, are a blackguard – just like those colonial guerrilla fighters who targeted British officers instead of aiming for the expendable troops."

SCENE: back indoors, Englishman & Welshman are talking.

E’MAN: "I’m going to have to be very cautious from now on. I can’t risk upsetting the mayor anymore. As notoriously temperamental as he is, I have no idea why he’s got it in for me."

W’MAN: "Perhaps it was the fact that you tried to expose him as a Nazi collaborator, when he was only six years old at the time of the war."

E’MAN: "Honest mistake."

W’MAN: "Or when you kidnapped his family."

E’MAN: "They signalled to me that they were in distress."

W’MAN: "They were stood on a stage, waving to the crowd during the middle of the mayor’s re-election campaign."

E’MAN: "But I saved them, didn’t I?"

W’MAN: "And made the mayor look an idiot and almost cost him the election."

E’MAN: "Good!"

W’MAN: "It does seem as though you’ve made a lot of uncharacteristic mistakes lately – like when you stopped that car and hauled the driver off to prison."

E’MAN: "That car was being driven erratically. It was unthinkable that I shouldn’t have intervened."

W’MAN: "But it was a stock car race!"

E’MAN: "All right, all right! Point taken. Instead of criticising, why don’t you come up with some ideas about how I can get back into the mayor’s good books?"

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

W’MAN: "Incoming message, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Thank you, Welshman (!) I’m not an idiot." Walks over and stands next to shredder. "Come on, come on! What’s taking so long?"

W’MAN: "Er…this is the fax machine, Englishman"

E’MAN: "I knew that! So what does it say?"

W’MAN: "There’s a civil war in Africa. They’ve tried everything and they think you’re the only one who can stop it. The leaders of the warring factions have asked for you to preside over negotiations. You’re the only one they trust to act fairly and impartially."

E’MAN: "Yes! This is the perfect way to ingratiate myself with UN officials who can lobby the Mayor on my behalf."

W’MAN: "That’s a brilliant if convoluted and nonsensical plan, Englishman"

E’MAN: "You’re so naïve, Welshman. But don’t worry, you’ll understand the world of international politics one day. It’s all favours this and kickbacks that, you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. I still don’t know what I’m going to do with those twelve million barrels of oil that I got from Saddam for my work on that UN committee in the mid-90s."

SCENE: cuts to a huge stack of rusting barrels leaking oil all over the ground at the back of Englishmansion.

SCENE cuts back:

E’MAN: "Come, Welshman, to the Colonial Office for our briefing."

SCENE – (Exterior shot of old building labelled "Governor’s Residence & Colonial Office") Inside: wood panelled office, big table in the centre. Men with large C19th style moustaches and sideburns, smoking pipes and wearing morning suits are there along with Englishman & Welshman.

MAN: "Welcome, Englishman. Thank you for coming. I have been authorised to brief you on behalf of the Colonial Office."

E’MAN: "Hello."

MAN: "This is the situation as it stands at the moment," gestures to map table, "Africa is in a state of civil war – as it has been since colonial forces were forced to leave by brainless, well-meaning, do-gooder socialists."

E’MAN: "BAST – ille day…that was the answer to that crossword clue. Of course!"

MAN: "Um…Englishman?"

E’MAN: "Yes, yes, go on – I’m listening."

MAN: "Well – we’ve got the two sides to agree to a cease-fire, but the hard part is up to you. You have to broker a deal to settle their grievances once and for all."

E’MAN: "I see. Come, Scotchman, there’s work to do."

SCOTCHMAN: "Och aye"

MAN: "Here are your tickets; you’ll be flying to German East Africa."

E’MAN: "Not Rhodesia?"

MAN: "No. The negotiations will be held in Dar es Salaam – Lord Granville will meet you there."

E’MAN: "Granville…Granville…served in the government of my good friend Lord Melbourne?"

MAN: "That’s the one."

E’MAN: "I have much to do so I will bid you good day."

MAN: "Good bye and good luck."

E’MAN with a wry smile: "Luck is for people lacking innate abilities – not for me. I will have the treaty signed and on your desk by 9 o’clock Greenwich Meantime tomorrow morning."

The man looks at his watch

MAN: "That’s in 6 hours time. Why, I wager you a guinea that it’s impossible!"

E’MAN: "Pah! Nothing is impossible. I’ll take your wager. SCOTCHMAN!" and Englishman swirls out of the room his tweed coattails whipping about.

SCENE: Concord touches down. View of the airport and runway – German troops are marching in formation around the tarmac – spiked helmet and goose stepping around.

Englishman is met by local dignitaries and a luggage handler.

SCENE: Englishman is wrapping up the negotiations:

E’MAN: "All right… so we’re all agreed? You get six head of cattle a year, two goats and a chicken; and in return Mr UmBolaWolla gets his pick of a dozen of your country’s virgins each year. Good, then it’s settled. Just sign here and I’ll be off."

They sign, hands are shaken. Englishman boards plane and departs. Delegates wave goodbye from the tarmac.

Delegate #1: "Why would I want heads of cattle?"

Delegate #2: Well, why would I want virgins?"

Delegate #1: "English!"

Scene fades out

SCENE: Concord touches down in Washington (#Rule Britannia#). Inside the Colonial Office:

MAN: "Well, I’d never have believed it! Here’s your guinea, Englishman – you earned it!"

E’MAN: "Thank you very much. Now that that problem is over and done with life should get back to normal. Let’s just hope that the peace holds and the life of all Africans gets better."

MAN: "Hear, hear!"

SCENE: "Two weeks later" Englishman is summoned to the UN HQ in NY. He is greeted by welcoming party and ‘Kofi Annan,’ who’s watching a display of traditional Zulu dancing: spears, shields, grass skirts whirl about. Englishman look startled – sweat appear on his brow. Camera shows his vision spinning: flashback to Rorke’s Drift. He’s behind sandbags, shooting and bayoneting Zulus. Scene cuts back to present day outside UN HQ.

E’MAN: "ZULUS! THOUSANDS OF THEM!"

KOFI: "Mr Englishman, welcome. Are you all right?"

E’MAN looks at Kofi: "Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh!"

W’MAN: "I’m sorry – my friend is just a little overwhelmed by the wonderful reception you have laid on…isn’t that right, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "Huh?" and composing himself, "Yes…yes. Absolutely right. Tickety boo. Wonderful, wonderful – one could almost think that he was back in Africa right now…" decreasing in volume, "surrounded by Zulus…" and louder, "all around us!" Shakes his head and snaps out of it. Shakes Kofi’s hand and whispers to him, "How’s the son? I hear he had a bit of trouble with the old oil-for-food."

KOFI slightly taken aback: "Uh…yes, he’s fine"

E’MAN: "Yes? Good, good. Because I’ve got some oil if he’d like to buy it. Twelve million barrels of the rubbish, to be exact. Dunno what I’m going to do with it. Sell it to the British as a condiment – they’ll eat anything! Tasteless, beer swilling ignoramuses…uneducated, council estate dwelling paupers…DOLE COLLECTING, WORKSHY, TEENAGE SINGLE MOTHERS THE LOT OF THEM!"

KOFI: "Er…please this way."

WELSHMAN in a loud whisper: "Calm down, Englishman!"

E’MAN still muttering: "Worthless, union affiliated, socialist, NHS, lousy doctors, pro-euthanasia, pro-abortion…bring back capital punishment..." trails off as scene dissolves

SCENE: Inside the UN, Kofi is giving a speech to UN delegates representing the nations of the world. He turns to address Englishman.

KOFI: "Englishman, you have done more damage to Africa than five centuries of colonialism ever could have. You have done more damage than all of the continent’s civil wars rolled into one."

E’MAN leans over and whispers to Welshman: "I thought there was only one civil war."

W’MAN: "No. That was just a plot device to make it simpler for the viewers to understand. Most of them are pretty thick, you see, so we have to dumb it down." Turns to camera, "Obviously I don’t mean you – you’re one of the smart ones." Smiles broadly and nods.

KOFI: "…By ending war you have left millions homeless. Soldiers who would previously have been billeted in whatever homes were closest to the battlefield now have nowhere to go. More people than ever are starving because former soldiers can no longer just take what they need as they travel around. Many people who depended on the troops and the war for a source of income are now out of work. All related industries are in meltdown – arms manufacturers, textile industries that used to make uniforms; the liquor and prostitution industries. There are fewer imports because nobody needs guns and ammunition – so the ports are struggling – as is the shipping industry. The first world no longer has to provide aid – so African leaders can no longer embezzle it and spend it on arms, palaces and Mercedes. In short you have crippled the entire African economy, Englishman! Putting millions of people out of work and leaving them destitute."

E’MAN: "Whoops?"

KOFI: "We at the UN have voted and we are unanimous in our demand that you spark a new conflict in Africa immediately and undo the harm you have caused before it is too late!"

E’MAN: "OK. If that’s what you want. Who am I to defy the UN? An organisation which stands above repute. Which has never been involved in any kind of scandal. An organisation that works smoothly and which everyone can believe in and certainly isn’t just a worthless group of powerless bureaucrats who sit round all day doing absolutely nothing worthwhile whatsoever and whose only purpose is to annoy and infuriate the people of the world and badmouth America whilst hindering her efforts to pursue the founding principles of the UN."

The American delegation cheers, huge Union Flag and Stars and Stripes unfurl from the ceiling of the auditorium behind Englishman and unravel all the way down the wall.

Kofi looks uncomfortable. Englishman is carried shoulder high from the room by the American delegates. To the camera:

E’MAN: "I don’t like the BBC either. Purveyors of socialist propaganda that they are. Should rename themselves Pravda. Damn Reds!"

Double doors swing shut.

SCENE: back at Englishman’s home, he puts the phone down.

E’MAN: "Well, that’s it. I’ve made the call. Africa will be returning to normal shortly."

SCENE cuts to Africa – two villagers are talking some African dialect – subtitles give translation:

1st GUY: "That’s odd. I feel a lot more belligerent all of a sudden."

2nd GUY: "Me too…maybe it’s because you’re on my side of the border."

1st GUY: "No, I’m not! This is my country."

2nd GUY: "The hell it is! I’ll kill you and your countrymen!"

1st GUY: "Oh yeah?"

2nd GUY: "Yeah!"

Both pull out guns and kill each other. Camera pans back to reveal scenes of carnage: tanks crushing homes, children fleeing men with AK-47s, smoke on the horizon, warplanes flying overhead, explosions all round, and UN soldiers sitting smoking and watching amused.

SCENE: back to Englishman and Welshman. They both sigh

E’MAN: "Ah well – it just wasn’t meant to be"

– camera zooms out. Roll credits.

Kofi Annan was played by Sylvia Whiss.

The Mayor of New York was played concurrently by Martin Sheen and Adam Baldwin.

UN Peacekeeper #1 was played by Samuel L. Jackson.

Adolf Hitler was played by Admiral Ozzel of the Imperial Galactic Navy.

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are strolling around the estate. Suddenly the lawn changes from being pristine and green to being churned up and muddy.

ENGLISHMAN: "Make a note, these lawns are in a terrible state – I must tell Butler to have a word with the gardener."

WELShMAN: "Yes, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Very strange though. Divots, odd footprints, grass uprooted…I wonder what’s causing it. Oh, look;" he gestures with his head, "the neighbours’ cats are back again. I’m sure they must spend more time in my garden than they do in their own."

Welshman looks and does a double-take.

W’MAN: "Cats, Englishman? Those are camels."

E’MAN: "Ha ha ha! Don’t be ridiculous! They’re cats – plain as day. Feline features, humps, spitting – what more do you want?"

W’MAN: "No, Englishman. They’re not."

E’MAN: "Are you saying that someone is gradually replacing all the cats in England with camels – and doing it one cat at a time so that no-one notices?"

W’MAN: "I don’t know. Am I?"

E’MAN: "Well – what other explanation could there be?"

W’MAN: "I don’t know. But I’m telling you, Englishman – those are camels!"

E’MAN: "Welshman, do I have to get out my 1866 Encyclopaedia Britannica to settle this? [so produce the relevant volume he does. "Battleship-Carnivorous" on the front] There you are [points to the entry] – what did I say? [Glances down at the entry himself] Good Lord!"

W’MAN: "Now do you believe me?"

E’MAN: "Pah! It was an easy mistake to make – I mean, I was just testing you…making sure you were persistent…and you passed! Well done."

W’MAN: "But who and why would someone do such a thing?"

E’MAN: "Good question – and it’s up to us to find out."

W’MAN: "How, Englishman? Do you have a plan?"

E’MAN: "I have…yes, a plan" PAUSE

W’MAN: "May I hear it?"

E’MAN: "Hm? Hear what, dear fellow?"

W’MAN: "Er…the plan."

E’MAN: "No, no" he laughs, "A feeble mind such as yours could never understand something conceived by my mind… Now, here’s the plan…"

SCENE FADES OUT

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are crouched behind some boxes down a dimly-lit, dirty, steam-filled back-alley.

W’MAN: "You’re right, Englishman, I didn’t understand your plan. Remind me – what are we doing here?"

E’MAN: "Oh, do pay attention, you Carnivorous Battleship. As I have already explained, we are in this alley because it is the natural habitat of one felis catus."

W’MAN: "Who’s he; one of you old army buddies?"

E’MAN: "The common cat. Really, Welshman – anyone would think you were educated in Borstal rather than Shipman’s Academy for Gifted Young Doctors. Anyway – as I was saying – in alleys there are cats – observe" he gestures to a cat preening itself on top of a nearby bin. "And if this is the natural habitat of the cat – then it follows that it must also be the stalking ground of whatever catnapper it is that has been stealing the nation’s favourite pet."

W’MAN: "I see…" The cat yowls in an angry/surprised way "Look, Englishman!" Welshman points. The cat has disappeared.

E’MAN: "You fool, Welshman! Quick – after him!" The two of them run to the end of the alley and stop. They look both ways down the street but, "Curses – he’s got clean away."

W’MAN: "What do we do now?"

E’MAN: "We return to the scene of the crime and look for clues." The pair make their way back down the alley. Englishman stops at the bin where the cat had been sitting and investigates.

W’MAN: "What have you found, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "What looks like…camel hair. Very interesting. Hello – what’s this? Sand," he tastes some, "Egyptian sand if I’m not mistaken." There’s a rattle from inside the bin. "Shh! Get back, Welshman." Welshman does as he’s told. Englishman steps forwards and, leaning back in the process, slowly lifts the lid of the bid. Inside is a very surprised looking camel, chewing away. He looks up at Englishman. "Oh, you poor thing. Welshman – get him out of there."

W’MAN: [resignedly]"Yes, Englishman."

Englishman turns around, adopting a thoughtful expression, his hind to his chin – in the background Welshman struggles to pick up the full-grown camel, eventually falling over and being squashed. The camel just sits on top of him still looking nonplussed. Welshman’s legs are visible – flailing around – some muffled shouts can be heard.

E’MAN: "Not now, Welshman – I’m trying to think." More panicked muffled shouting can be heard from underneath the camel, "Eureka!" The camel stands up and Welshman gasps, filling his lungs with air. Englishman turns around to see Welshman lying on the ground. "Stop playing with that camel and stop messing around!– this is no time to take a break. Come – there’s work to be done."

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are at the docks; walking along the quayside.

W’MAN: "What are we doing here, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "What am I, Welshman, the narrator? It’s as if I must explain every plot development at the start of every scene, otherwise nothing makes sense! Come, Welshman – just what do we know so far?"

W’MAN: "Um…someone is stealing cats…and replacing them with camels."

E’MAN: "Right – and I found Egyptian sand at the scene of the most recent abduction. Now – if we put those things together – what conclusions can we reach?"

W’MAN: "There’s a … an Egyptian catnapper on the loose?"

E’MAN: "Precisely!"

W’MAN: "Forgive me, Englishman, but I don’t see why that has resulted in us coming down here to the docks."

E’MAN: "You wouldn’t – not with your brain the size of a peanut!"

W’MAN: sighs

E’MAN: "Whoever is stealing these cats is obviously taking them to Egypt – which explains the sand and the camels. Now, since cats are revered in Egypt, it is a fair assumption that the catnapper will be shipping them back to Egypt in the most luxurious way possible."

W’MAN: "But why are we here?!"

E’MAN: "I just said. What is the most luxurious mode of transport? A luxury cruise liner of course. Specifically the King Mary II."

W’MAN: "King Mary II?"

E’MAN: "Yes…a rather unfortunate chapter in the history of a country so proud of its monarchs. But we all make mistakes."

<FLASHBACK> In background a sign saying "Isandhlwana 10 miles, Rorke’s Drift 20 miles."

E’MAN: "I am happy to supply you and your people with rifles, Chief Cetshwayo, and I hope this day, the 18th January, 1879, marks the beginning of a new era of warm relations and co-operation between our peoples."

<BACK TO PRESENT>

W’MAN: "Englishman?"

E’MAN: "Huh? Oh, yes. I have our tickets, now, let’s get aboard."

SCENE: Ship pulling out of harbour, funnel puffing away, horn blows, sails off.

SCENE: On board – in the ship’s corridors. Englishman striding ahead.

E’MAN: "Keep up, Welshman!"

W’MAN: "Where are we going, Englishman?" dutifully trotting along to catch up.

E’MAN: "To the Presidential Suite of course – where, unless I’m mistaken, we will find the missing cats."

They arrive at the door – it’s locked.

E’MAN: "You there – orderly." A crew member is standing down the corridor,

ORDERLY: Yes, sir?"

E’MAN: "Unlock this door."

ORDERLY: "I’m afraid I can’t do that, sir."

E’MAN: "I’LL TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY!"

ORDERLY: cowed "Very good, sir." and he opens the door. Inside there are dozens of cats – on the bed, on the chairs, hanging from the curtains, curled up in the curve of the portholes – eating, drinking, preening, sleeping.

E’MAN: "Aha! Just as I suspected."

W’MAN: "Good show, Englishman!"

E’MAN: "Thank you, thank you."

W’MAN: "Although we’re still no closer to finding the mastermind behind this nefarious scheme."

E’MAN: "Nefarious, Nefertiti . . . there’s some connection I’ve failed to make. No, for the moment we’ve gone as far as we can. We must now wait until the ship reaches Egypt – and with luck we’ll be able to catch red-handed whoever comes to meet the shipment of cats – either the mastermind himself, or someone who may be able to lead us to him."

W’MAN: "Bravo!"

E’MAN: "We have three hours to fill before the ship reaches harbour – will you join me for a game of billiards?"

W’MAN: "Of course."

E’MAN: becoming more distant and quieter "Shall we say a guinea a game?"

W’MAN: still fading out "I believe they’ve abolished guineas, Englishman."

E’MAN: "WHAT?! When did this happen?" grumbling continues, "Filthy decimalization…Common Market…" fading into silence.

SCENE: In the ship’s smoking parlour. Englishman is asleep in a huge plush armchair– pipe in his mouth, paper open face-down on his lap.

W’MAN: "Wake up, Englishman, we’ve arrived." Englishman wakes up – a blurred shape is leaning over him filling his vision – his super-sharp reflexes kicking in he punches the shape. Welshman is thrown over by the force of the punch. He gets up, "Sorry, Englishman."

E’MAN: "That's all right, old fellow! Hurry – there isn’t a moment to lose!" and Englishman walks off quickly.

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are stood at the bottom of the gangplank watching everyone disembark.

W’MAN: "How will you know him, Englishman?" Just then…

E’MAN: "Quiet!" One passenger coming down the gangplank has two huge suitcases. A furry leg appears from one – its claws extend and scratch at the air. At the same time we hear mewing. The cloaked man looks down at his cases, then looks straight at Englishman. Then he drops the cases (which burst open, cats flying everywhere – some attaching themselves to the other passengers’ faces) and rushes forwards, pushing past the other passengers. He bundles several aristocratic types (dinner jackets, evening dresses, monocles all round) over the railings and down into the harbour water below.

ASSORTED PEOPLE: "Well I say!" "How rude" "Aha ha ha ha! Good show!" "That’s the last time I go on a cruise!" (hysterical woman is screaming, husband turns to her and says, "Now, now, don’t have kittens" she stops screaming, looks at him and then slaps him).

E’MAN: "Quick, Welshman – after him, don’t let him get away!" and a foot pursuit begins.

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman keep arriving at street junctions just in time to see the fugitive disappear around another corner. Eventually they turn a corner to see a huge pyramid. An exhausted Welshman is bent double, panting. Englishman comes striding up, swinging his umbrella.

W’MAN: "He’s…in…there."

E’MAN: "Are you sure? Good. You know, Welshman, you really need to work on your fitness level – you seem thoroughly out of shape. Now, let us apprehend this villain before he gets up to any more mischievous antics."

The two of them make their way inside the huge entrance to the pyramid.

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are walking down a narrow, sandstone corridor – the only light coming from Welshman ’s dragon; at the end they come out into a large room – dimly lit by the fire from the dragon. A sarcophagus is visible in the middle of the room. Englishman inspects it.

E’MAN: "Hmm…cat hair. Interesting."

W’MAN: "What is it?"

E’MAN: "The fur that keeps a cat warm, but that’s not important right now. According to these hieroglyphics this sarcophagus is the entrance to a secret lair."

W’MAN: "I didn’t know you could read hieroglyphics, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Yes, in fact I once wrote a twenty page treatise on them."

W’MAN: "I see. Isn’t it a little odd that someone would advertise the entrance to their secret lair?"

E’MAN: "Not for a foreigner, Welshman. Every last one of them is supremely arrogant and rude. Now, help me with this lid, Welshman."

W’MAN: "Are you sure we should be doing this, Englishman? Disturbing the dead and all?"

E’MAN: "Why, you superstitious little rapscallion, do as I say. What harm can come of it?"

W’MAN: "Well, wasn’t your grandfather one of those struck down by the famous curse of Tutenkhamun, when they opened his tomb in the ‘20s?"

E’MAN: "Nonsense. For one thing it was my great uncle, and second, the newspaper reports about the curse making him insane was just a story put about to protect the family. The truth is that he died of syphilis caught from British prostitutes – even today all British prostitutes have it – it might even be a prerequisite of becoming a prostitute, now I come to think of it. Syphilis…herpes…gonorrhoea…crabs, AIDS, hepatitis. Now – does that settle your mind?"

W’MAN: "My mind yes – although my stomach’s taken a turn for the worse. Yes, how silly of me. There’s no such thing as mummies."

Together they push the lid of the sarcophagus and inside is a set of steps leading down into the pyramid. Together they proceed down the spiral staircase.

They emerge into a room lit by flaming torches attached to the walls. Cats are everywhere . There is a person with his back to the foot of the staircase.

E’MAN: "So…Pharaoh Tutenkhamun…I should have known"

PHARAOH: "Eek! I mean, bow down before your god, mortal"

E’MAN: "I bow only before the British monarch."

PHARAOH: "I see. Cats? Get him!" the cats show no sign of having heard him and pay no attention to his command. "Seize him?"

E’MAN: "Hah! These are English cats – they don’t understand your foreign accent. Or maybe cats simply don’t respond to commands…either way, you’re on your own."

PHARAOH: "Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong." he claps his hands. In comes a woman.

E’MAN: "Ah, this must be your lovely sister…I mean your wife…I mean both…eurgh! It doesn’t matter though – it’s still two against two. Scotchman – get them!" When nothing happens Englishman turns to see what’s going on "Scotchman, stop kissing your sister! For Pete’s sake man! This is modern day Egypt, not 3000 years ago! I know I said ‘when in Rome...' but this is too much. Now hurry up and do as I say." The sister looks like a man, prompting Englishman to follow up with a quiet word to camera, "Ye gads! I think she’s had one haggis too many."

SCOTCHMAN: "Och aye."

PHARAOH: "NOW!"

A gust of wind blows out all the torches. There are the sounds of footsteps and a scuffle and of outraged cats having their tails stood on, etc.

After a period of silence a light appears – Welshman ’s dragon casts a dim light across the room. Welshman is tied up and gagged – Englishman stands with one foot on Welshman ’s back.

E’MAN: "Gosh! Sorry old friend."

W’MAN: muffled "That’s all right." Englishman frees his sidekick. Gasps "Thank you, Englishman."

E’MAN: "There you go – all right?"

W’MAN: "Yes, thank you."

E’MAN: "Curses. I may have foiled his evil plot this time, but Tutenkhamun’s escape leaves him free to strike again. Possibly as soon as next week."

W’MAN: "Next week, Englishman?"

E’MAN: Ashen faced and staring straight at the camera, "Yes, Welshman, next week – in an exciting adventure, perhaps televised on this network. Or if they do cancel us, then on Fox. My good friend, Rupert Murdoch, promised to squeeze us in."

Credits roll

Tutenkhamun was played by HRH Prince Philip.

Scotchman was played by Bill Murray.

Adolf Hitler was played by Beyonce Knowles.

Now with deleted scenes. Although since they’re included, they obviously aren’t deleted. Yet who are we to quibble with the nonsense that is English?

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are up in the gantries of a huge exhibition hall (for "Explo 2006" – like Expo – but like explode, viewer – not you, wise one, just the other guys)– below are tanks, rocket launchers, etc.

WELSHMAN (whispering): "Are you sure he’ll be here?"

ENGLISHMAN: "Of course I’m sure. He has to be here; this is the biggest arms’ fair in Europe. Besides…the Foreign Office invited him because Hitleria is one of the world’s foremost human rights abusers…Hmmm – that’s curious…"

ENTER to the hall below, General Robert E. Lee of the Confederate States of America – along with a standard bearer (Confederate flag) and a few Confederate officer types.

W’MAN: "What’s that, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "General Lee…what’s he doing here? I haven’t heard from him in a long time – I even had Butler stop sending him Christmas cards since we stopped getting one in return."

W’MAN: "Um….I don’t think that’s General Lee, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Nonsense – are you saying I can’t recognise one of my oldest and dearest friends? Now why on Earth would you say that isn’t good old General Lee?"

W’MAN: "Well…Lee’s dead."

E’MAN: "Dead you say? Dashed bad luck, what."

W’MAN: "So what next?"

E’MAN: "Well…if you’re sure Lee’s dead"

W’MAN: "Positive. He’s definitely dead."

E’MAN: "Definitely?"

W’MAN: "Definitely."

E’MAN: "Then that man must be an impostor…so let’s get him. But if that does turn out to be Lee, then England will not be making any diplomatic representations on your behalf to the Confederate States. And I will testify against you – and see you hang if needs be."

W’MAN: sighs "I won’t worry too much about that, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Eh? Anyway – on your head be it. Now – let’s get him."

Englishman writes the words "Go, go, go!" on a piece of paper, ties it to the leg of a carrier pigeon and then releases it. He then hops over the gantry railing and uses his umbrella to float gently down to the exhibition hall floor – landing right in front of ‘Lee’.

The pigeon reaches the SAS commander on scene (hiding in a Zeppelin above the hall) and the party representing the Confederate States is surrounded. (SAS troops were expertly camouflaged and appear as if from nowhere – one was a nearby velvet rope stand which was around an exhibit. One was disguised as a beautiful woman who had been wielding a large machine gun – the large machine gun also bursts apart and from it appears another trooper. One guy emerges from a litter bin – covered in rubbish and with the bin lid still on his head. Another guy pops out of a tank turret. Another guy disguised as a hand grenade display (think convenience store pyramid stack of tins…but grenades) – the grenades all hanging off him like fishing tackle. And a few more abseil down from above. One inept trooper can be seen in the background tangled up in his rope and hanging upside down. The last SAS trooper unzips his carrier pigeon suit, and emerges.

E’MAN: "Welshman, if you would?"

W’MAN: "Certainly" Welshman approaches ‘Lee.’

LEE: "Vot ist zee meaning of zis?"

E’MAN: quietly, whispers in Welshman ’s ear, "I don’t know, Welshman …it sounds like Robert."

Welshman pulls at ‘Lee’s’ face – a mask is removed.

LEE: "Ach! Nein!"

SCENE: Outside the hall, Englishman addresses the gathered media.

E’MAN: "…and once I realised that General Robert E. Lee of the Confederate States of America had died over 100 years previously, I knew that something was amiss."

W’MAN: "…and that the Confederate States of America couldn’t have sent a delegation because it doesn’t exist anymore?"

E’MAN: "What!? Why, what happened?"

W’MAN: "They lost the civil war."

E’MAN: "The war is over?! And why wasn’t I informed of this unfortunate turn of events?"

W’MAN: "It happened last cent- . . .I’ll send the usual angry letter to the BBC immediately."

E’MAN: "You do that, Welshman …standards there really have been slipping of late. Tut tut tut."

SCENE: Later, at the maximum-security Tower of London: Hitler behind bars – wearing a straitjacket with swastika armband.

E’MAN: "Now let’s see who Hitler really was" mask is removed and Alan Rickman's face comes into view! "…Alan Rickman! . . No, wait, this is a mask." Second mask is removed and Hitler's face comes into view "Hitler was really …Hitler!"

WELSHMAN rolls eyes: "How ironic."

E’MAN: "Shut up, Welshman ….Now to capture Frenchman…but where to look."

W’MAN: "Why don’t we set another trap and lure him to us, as we did with Hitler."

E’MAN: "Good idea!"

SCENE: A giant mousetrap – with large piece of cheese – is in front of the Eiffel Tower. Frenchman emerges (with very much the characteristics of a mouse: he has inexplicably acquired long whiskers, and he sniffs and wrinkles his nose. Also he seems very nervous and wary of predators – shooting darting glances around and peering tentatively out from behind one of the corner legs of the Tower. Then he scuttles (tinkling piano music) quickly over to the trap and starts pulling at the block of cheese and eating handfuls of it. The trap snaps shut – Frenchman’s eyes bulge wide in terror and then he lets out a long high-pitched squeak – like a terrified mouse. Englishman and Welshman then walk over and look down at the trapped Frenchman.

FRENCHMAN: "Curses!"

SCENE: Back at the maximum-security prison. Frenchman and Hitler in the same cell.

E’MAN: "Well, Frenchman, you should feel right at home – in the Tower – aha ha ha. Now let’s see who Frenchman really was pulls off mask…Napoleon! Wait, that’s a mask, too. Further masks, ever greater gasps of surprise…Napoleon II…III. Gasp! Why it’s Napoleon IV!"

Welshman: "But Englishman – there was no Napoleon IV."

Englishman: "Of course there was. The son of Napoleon III. He was killed in Africa by Zulus…at least that’s what everyone believed…until now."

Napoleon IV: "Oui – and I would ‘ave got away weez it if eet ‘adn’t been for zat pesky Englishman."

Englishman: "Hmm? Got away with what exactly?"

Napoleon IV :"My plan to re-establish ze French Empire and to take my rightful place at eets head. Oh…I shouldn’t have said that."

Englishman: "Aha! Thank you for that information – I’ll now be able to put a stop to your evil ambitions once and for all."

Welshman: "I don’t see how, Englishman. In order to do that you would have to, why – you’d have to remove France from the map once and for all."

Englishman: "Precisely! Oh, how I have longed for this moment."

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman walking down the outdoor steps of the Tower.

E’MAN: "Just one more arch-enemy still to capture"

W’MAN: "Yes…The Bluebottle – your oldest and wiliest nemesis, who has always managed to elude you at the last possible moment, despite your numerous encounters."

SCENE: the Bluebottle – a man clad in a dark blue suit, wearing a large angular blue helmet – behind bars in the same cell as Hitler and Frenchman. He is wrapped in what seems to be wallpaper. However, it’s marked INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH FLYPAPER.

SCENE: All 3 top enemies are in the same cell. Englishman is talking to Bluebottle

E’MAN: "Well, that was easy. Never mind Hitler’s war crimes or the atrocities committed by all the Napoleons put together – you, Bluebottle, you are the single most evil person in history. The things you did…well they leave me speechless. I can’t even bring myself to say one word about your heinous acts."

BLUEBOTTLE: "You’ve done far worse things than me. For good or for bad, you’re responsible for the deaths of far more men than both World Wars."

<FLASHBACK> E’MAN: Echoing voice "I made all my money dealing Russian made arms to the Nazis in WW2"

<FLASHBACK> E’MAN: Echoing voice "Shoot first, ask questions later. I’ll take full responsibility."

ARMY OFFICER: "Yes, sir" –starts shooting civilians.

<BACK TO PRESENT>

BLUEBOTTLE: "You are a hypocrite."

E’MAN: "DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HIPPOGRIFF?" going red in the face, spittle flying from his lips.

BLUEBOTTLE: "No, a hypocrite."

E’MAN: "Oh… that’s much worse"

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are relaxing – smoking pipe, reading newspaper – Headline: "Disappearance of Holmes – Englishman solves case" Holmes: "Englishman taught me everything I know."

E’MAN: "I do wish something would happen that will tax my considerable talents."

W’MAN: "But, Englishman, you solved the disappearance of Holmes."

E’MAN: "Pah! There was nothing trying in that! A six year old could have solved it! Simple induction, my dear Watson – I mean Welshman!"

W’MAN: puzzled "Induction?"

E’MAN: "No – I am thoroughly bored. Things really are just too quiet now that all the world’s super-criminals are either behind bars or have gone into hiding. I…I hate to say it – but I almost feel as though things would be better if my nemeses were still free."

W’MAN: gasp "That’s a terrible thing to say!"

E’MAN: "But they’re all safely locked away – forever – so I had better come up with something else to do. Help me with this crossword… 1 across… small carnivorous animal native to Britain…anagram ‘he hogged’"

W’MAN: "Hedgehog."

E’MAN: "No… that’s not it…hmm…badger?…Ostrich…no…emu?"

SCENE FADES OUT.

Bonus Alternative Ending: Alternative end to scene: after E’MAN: "…so I better come up with something else to do."

SCENE BECOMES A LOAD OF CLIPS (No talking, Beachboys’ medley plays in background) of Englishman taking up a load of new hobbies – tennis, golf, shooting, - most of his attempts at these sports ending up in some slapstick events – hitting/shooting people – scenes of initial shock followed by everyone laughing e.g. – man with huge hole in his torso (but still no sound – all this is just to music).

PART 2 – AFTER THE BREAKOUT.

SCENE: In darkness, we see the silhouette of Bluebottle escaping out of a window of the Tower –climbing down a rope made out of bedclothes tied together.

SCENE: Mr Toad is in the cell with the remaining two super-criminals. A washer woman takes pity on him and helps Toad and Frenchman escape by hiding in a laundry trolley pushed by Mr Toad in washer woman disguise.

SCENE: Hitler remains alone. Guard comes to check. Hitler is dressed as a woman. He is sat on a stool and revealing a stocking clad leg and garter

HITLER: "Boo-hoo!" He is pretending to cry in a most unconvincing fashion.

BEEFEATER GUARD: "Oh no! A lady in distress…and worse: trapped in a cell with super-criminals!" Louder: "Don’t fret, dear, I’m coming!" keys jangle in the lock.

SCENE: Back at the mansion, the call comes in telling Englishman of the escape.

WELSHMAN: "Mr Toad? No! I would never have thought him capable of such an act."

ENGLISHMAN: "Pah! It was a travesty that my good friend Toad of Toad Hall was ever locked up in the first place. Terrible miscarriage of justice. All he did was hospitalise some children by running them over in his car. ‘Reckless driving’ they called it – institutionalised racism in the police force against Toads if you ask me.

<FLASHBACK>Englishman in the back seat of his chauffeur driven car – race vs Mr Toad.

E’MAN: "Faster, driver. Can’t have a toad beat us, now can we?"

DRIVER: "Very good, sir." Englishman continues reading, turning over a page in his newspaper – throughout he pays no attention to anything else that’s going on – i.e. the race.

TOAD: "Toot-toot!"

<BACK TO PRESENT>

E’MAN: Oh, it’s been terrible since poor Mr Toad was incarcerated. Squatters have moved into Toad Hall – parties and music all night long. Those weasels have really ruined the tone of the whole area. As a matter of fact, I hear some of the locals – a Mr Badger, Mr Rat and ‘Moley’ have organised some kind of petition…"

W’MAN: "But getting back to the point, Englishman…"

E’MAN: "I don’t know…maybe he just felt compelled to help an amphibian. Whatever – we must get there immediately."

SCENE: At the Tower – in the now empty cell. Englishman looking for clues – an official, a guard and Scotchman all looking on.

E’MAN: "Why were they all kept in the same cell? And why were they allowed this map table to plan out strategies for world domination?"

PRISON OFFICIAL: "Sorry, Englishman, it’s their human right."

E’MAN: "Ah yes, that pesky article 21 – the right to world domination – and sub-clause 3 – the right to invade Poland. Curses, damn those human rights! Remind me to have my good friend Margaret Thatcher do away with all that European Convention gubbins. Now…if only we had some way of knowing where they might be heading."

At a point on the Franco-German border – a big knife is stuck in the map in the middle of a big X with a big circle drawn around it and arrows pointing inwards from all sides – Scotchman points at it and jumps up and down.

S’MAN: "Och aye the noo!"

E’MAN: "What are you trying to say, Scotchman?"

S’MAN repeats himself, more slowly "Och – aye – the – noo."

E’MAN: "Timmy’s trapped down the old well? You’re not making any sense man. You know as well as I do that I blew up the old well [menacingly to one side, zoom in close up on face, lights go dim and shadows cast across his features] so that never again could Lassie outdo me…[turning again to Scotchman] Come on, man, spit it out!"

Englishman narrates, "Several hours later it came to me, they must be in Alsace-Lorraine, and we were off – don’t ask me how it came to me, it must have been some supernatural sixth sense, or else just my brilliantly acute powers of observation and deduction."

E’MAN: "Come, Scotchman, there isn’t a moment to lose!"

SCENE: Englishman & Welshman are making their way to Alsace-Lorraine, the location marked on the map.

E’MAN: "I might have known…once again collaboration is the order of the day. Frenchman is no doubt working with Hitler with the intention of putting France under the control of Nazi-Germany; and they have come here – to the Maginot Line’s weakest point…"

W’MAN: "If I might interject – there is no Maginot line – and there hasn’t been since the war!"

E’MAN: "A minor, piffling detail in the grand scheme of things"

W’MAN: "Seems like a pretty big detail to me!"

E’MAN: "Quiet, you!"

SCENE: Hitler is addressing the UN Security Council via video link. Delegates present: England, Wales, Scotland, China, Russia, US, France, Saudi Arabia.

HITLER: "Listen very carefully. My modified V2 rockets are trained on all ze major cities of ze vorld – ready to wreak devastation and kill millions und millions of people. You haf two hours to comply vith all my demands."

CHAIRMAN of UN Security Council: "Uh, Mr Hitler, two hours…that’s crazy, two hours is not enough."

HITLER: "NOBODY CALLS ME CRAZY!"

CHAIRMAN: desperately placating "No, no, I wasn’t calling you crazy"

HITLER: "Oh…that’s all right then. I’ve just been under so much pressure recently. [sighs] The nuclear warheads weren’t delivered on time, there was a mix up with the mustard gas I’d ordered – zey incorrectly delivered mustard would you believe! The chlorine came in capsule form! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. Now vere was I? Ah, ja, gut – please to be delivering the reparations of ein billion Reichsmarks for your actions in WW2 zu mein Sviss bank account. Vait…I have ze number here somevhere. [roots around in handbag] Oh, ver is it? [stamps foot childishly] I know I had it ein moment ago. Let’s see…[retraces steps] this morning voz ze hairdressers…um heute afternoon habe ich Czechoslovakia invadiert…zen ze rally am Nuernburg…nein, nein, ach! It ist in mein glovebox. Please to be excusing me ein moment." Hitler roots around in his VW’s glovebox "Aha! So…ze nummer ist 1 2 3 4 5 4 3 2 1."

CHAIRMAN: "We’ll pay you the money, Mr Hitler – just don’t kill anyone."

HITLER: slowly & menacingly "I vill be vaiting"

<VIEWSCREEN GOES BLANK>

CHAIRMAN: "What do we do now? Gentlemen – suggestions."

SAUDI ARABIA: "Wherever are we going to find a billion Reichsmarks in time? That is more than a whole year’s oil profits from my country."

RUSSIA: "We will not negotiate with terrorists – especially not Nazi terrorists"

CHINA: "I plan to veto whatever the rest of you decide."

SCOTLAND: "Och – shut up China. Ya bamboo munchin’, Hong Kong stealin’, chopstick wielding…"

CHINA: "Go and eat some haggis you whiskey drenched, skirt wearing…"

CHAIRMAN: "Please gentlemen! Calm – down! This in-fighting is getting us nowhere. Everyone just stop arguing amongst yourselves."

WALES: "But this is all we know how to do. We’ve never had to face a real crisis before."

US: "I say we invade Germany."

FRANCE: "Invade, invade, invade – zat’s your answer to everything!"

US: "Oh, yeah? Maybe we should just invade you."

FRANCE: "I say maybe we should just help Hitler to take over the world. Maybe he’ll reward us with positions of power."

IN UNISON: "SHUT UP!" – general mumbling in the room.

ENGLAND: "QUIET! Now…let’s all stop bickering for a moment and have a cup of tea."

CHINA: "Yes, China agrees."

ENGLAND: "As I see it, we have very few options. We can’t find the money and there’s no way that we can bargain with this madman. So I say – let’s send in Englishman." This suggestion is greeted by approving nods from most of the room.

FRANCE: "Nooooooo! No! Absolutely no! He’s a fraud…a trickster!"

The English delegate narrows his eyes and peers at the French delegate, then he reaches over and grabs Frenchman’s beard.

FRANCE: "Did you see that? He tried to pull off my beard! He’s a madman – a lunatic!" rip – pulls off own beard while demonstrating what the other delegate was doing – looks around sheepishly – "You won’t stop us – and you’ll never catch me! Ma ha ha haa!" jumps out of window, parachutes down – goes down funnel of ship on the river – echoey and getting quieter, "SACRE BLEEEeeeuuuuuuu!"

CHAIRMAN: "All those in favour of sending in Englishman?" hands raised, "Motion carried. All those in favour of asking France to send a replacement delegate?" No hands raised, "All right – motion for the Security Council to exclude France permanently is passed. What expertise did they ever bring to the table anyway? Except their knowledge of how to surrender and collaborate. Meeting over." Bangs gavel.

SCENE: Back in Alsace-Lorraine – Welshman is carrying a back pack with Morse code receiving equipment – it starts beeping/clicking so he takes it off and starts to take the message. Bit by bit he tells Englishman the message.

W’MAN: "UN…Security…Council…requests…Englishman…takes out…Hitler."

E’MAN: "Tell them we’re already on it."

W’MAN: "Aye, sir."

E’MAN: "Now…where could their lair be?"

At this moment the Montgolfier Brothers' balloon appears overhead and disappears into a hollowed out volcano. Englishman and Welshman find an air vent and gain entry to the underground facility. Sliding down the vent into darkness they end up landing on the floor of a pitch-black room.

E’MAN: "What a singular odour. Reminds me of my time in the Royal Air Force…almost like…rocket fuel. Welshman, hand me your torch."

W’MAN: "Are you sure that’s wise?"

E’MAN: "DAMN AND BLAST IT, MAN. DO AS I SAY! I’ll take full responsibility."

W’MAN: "All right."[Welshman hands him his pet dragon – momentarily lights up – BOOM]

SCENE: In the main control room – room shakes and dust falls from the ceiling.

HITLER: "Vot vos zat?"

MINION: "I don’t know, sir. But the blast came from the V2 fuel depository."

HITLER: "Vot do ve haf down zer?"

MINION: hesitantly "Uh…fuel, sir."

HITLER: "Right, right…I don’t know ver mein head ist today."

MINION: "Should we evacuate, sir?"

HITLER: "Now, in mein hour of triumph?"

MINION: "But how can the plan succeed if all the V2s have been destroyed…again."

HITLER: "Not ‘all’, mein freund. Ve still haf ze von on ze launch pad, nein? Prepare to launch!"

MINION: "Yes, sir."

In the background: Frenchman has sensed defeat and is slinking away; Hitler turns around.

HITLER: "Unt ver do you zink you are going, Frenchman?"

FRENCHMAN: "Uh…to zee little boys' room?"

HITLER: "Oh…all right zen. If you must"

F’MAN: "Phew!" And he scarpers off

KLAXON SOUNDS and continues to wail in the background for the rest of this scene.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: "T minus 2 minutes to launch"

HITLER: gleefully rubbing hands together "Yes, yes. Nothing can go wrong now – no-von cut haf survived zat blast…not even Englishman."

The huge, ceiling height, metal double-doors swing open. In comes Englishman (Englishman pristine, Welshman charred, smouldering and staggering).

E’MAN: "’Not even Englishman?’ I’m disappointed, Hitler, you seem to have underestimated me."

HITLER: Eyes wide in disbelief and he positively screams "NEEIIIIIIIIIIIN! It ist nicht possible! NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!" Jumping up and down in rage – takes off hat and bites a piece out of it. Throws hat on ground and stamps on it. Then calms down. SIGHS in resignation. "Zis is not over yet. I still haf von more rocket – and even you cannot hope to stop it. I hope you don’t mind – but I must be leaving now. By the way, haf you met my new body guard? He is an expert in tai-bo."

HUGE MUSCLED BLOND NAZI: "Hyah – yah." frantic punching and high-kicking of the air around him in display of martial arts prowess.

E’MAN: "Hah! Tai-bo? Your tai-bo is no match for my bow tie" and Englishman takes off his bow tie – using it to tie up the assailant’s leg/arm as he comes at Englishman in attack. Think Seagal / Chan etc. Enemy is punched, kicked thrown – totally outclassed – and eventually left exhausted and beaten.

W’MAN: "Englishman – the rocket!"

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: "T minus 10 seconds to launch"

E’MAN: "Quick! Hand me your thermos flask"

W’MAN: fumbling around in his bag/rucksack "But I don’t see how…"

E’MAN: "There’s no time for questions! Just give it to me!" Welshman hands him the flask of tea. Englishman pours the contents over the rocket launch control console – which starts sparking and short-circuiting.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: DISTORTED "Launch flah blah braaaawaahhh"

W’MAN: "Brilliant, Englishman!"

E’MAN: "No time for plaudits now, Welshman. Hitler’s getting away"

SCENE: Hitler is chasing after Frenchman’s hot air balloon – he manages to clamber aboard. Englishman and Welshman emerge from the entrance to the volcano.

HITLER: "Vait for meeee!"

E’MAN: "There they are!" and he points to the rising balloon. "Welshman, get on to the RAF right away. There’s still a chance that we can shoot them down before they get away."

W’MAN: "No. It’s too late, Englishman. They’ve escaped once again."

E’MAN: "You’re right, Welshman, of course – although I wish you weren’t."

SCENE: On the balloon. Quasimodo is operating the burners

HITLER: "Vell zis is another fine mess you haf gotten me into!"

F’MAN: "Oh, be quiet. I ’ave ‘ad quite enough of your moaning for one day. So where are we going?"

HITLER: "Set a course…zu mein secret moon base."

Camera pans out from the balloon and moves upwards, showing the stars of the night sky, before coming to rest on the moon.

HITLER: "Ve’ll get chu next veek, Englishman! VE’LL GET CHU NEXT VEEK!"

F’MAN: "Oh please shut up – I ‘ave a spleeting ‘ead ache"

Bickering continues, gradually fading out. Picture of the moon fades to blackness.

ROLL CREDITS.

Alan Rickman was played by Adolf Hitler.

Adolf Hitler was played by Peter Cushing.

The Chairman of the UN Security Council was played by HYPERLINK "http://imdb.com/name/nm0322339/"
Paul Gleason.

Frenchman was played by HYPERLINK "http://imdb.com/title/tt0059243/"
Jack Lemmon as he was in The Great Race.

Quasimodo by Peter Falk as in the same film.

Commentary bit: The Tai-Bo nonsense was inspired by a conversation outside a kebab shop with two drunk people I know. One was proud of his prowess at kick-boxing. The other was proclaiming the superiority of her martial prowess . . . in Tai-Bo. A form of exercise that doesn't involve actually hitting or overpowering anything. I was smiling contemptuously to myself and rolling my eyes. N was getting quite annoyed. *chuckle*

SCENE: Englishman is sitting by the fire in his favourite armchair in the parlour of his country mansion. Welshman is engrossed in his magazine: Heil Hitler! Magazine – "World Exclusive!!! Pictures of Brad and Angelina’s wedding." Butler is stood beside Englishman’s chair and is serving him tea. Englishman takes one sip from his china cup and spits out the beverage. Soaking the maid in the process.

Maid screams

ENGLISHMAN: pfffffffffffffffffft!

BUTLER: "Sir?!"

WELSHMAN: "Englishman, what’s wrong?"

E’MAN: still spitting mumbles "…are you trying to kill me, man?!"

BUTLER: "No, sir!"

E’MAN: "Then what is the meaning of this…this attempt to poison me?"

BUTLER: "I’m very sorry, sir. I didn’t think you’d notice."

E’MAN: "Didn’t think I’d notice?!"

BUTLER: "Sorry, sir."

E’MAN: "That’s not good enough. Explain yourself."

BUTLER: "It’s this tea shortage. I was unable to obtain your usual brand, so I used my initiative and chose a substitute."

E’MAN: "You fool! I hereby ban you from ever using your initiative again. Now teach yourself a lesson you’ll never forget by beating yourself about the head with this piece of 2x4. I’d do it myself but this whole episode has left my constitution greatly enfeebled."

BUTLER: "Very good, sir."

E’MAN: "Welshman, I feel faint; help me up the stairs, old friend, so that I may rest my weary head and recover from this most unfortunate series of events."

Sound of thwacking as Butler hits himself with piece of wood whilst we watch Welshman helping Englishman up the stairs.

SCENE: The next morning Englishman has recovered and is full of energy and raring to go. He comes striding down the main staircase and calling in a deep booming authoritative voice.

E’MAN: "WELSHMAN! WELSHMAN?"

Welshman appears from a side room and joins Englishman in the hall. Suits of armour, tapestries and grand portraits of Englishman’s ancestors line the walls. One of the paintings depicts a male ancestor of Englishman’s at the end of a successful hunting trip – in the middle of an African desert scene the man stands holding his shotgun with one leg atop the beast that he’s just killed – a whale. There are also trophy heads – a lion, a unicorn and the whale. Also a sloth labelled "Last Canadian Elephant"; and George Washington’s head, labelled "Enemy of the Empire."

Englishman and Welshman walk through the huge oak double doors to the outside.

E’MAN: "I’ve been thinking, Welshman. The authorities don’t seem to have made any progress tracking down the missing tea. I fear it may be up to us to take on the mantle and help them out. Look at them – they’re even mounting helicopter searches on the off chance that there’s a huge pile of tea out in the open somewhere! Ha ha ha – what a ridiculous thought. It’s not like coffee, don’t they know?"

Scene shows the green tail section of a helicopter sticking out of a big brown pile of ground coffee, somewhere on Englishman’s estate.

E’MAN: "And look!" he points, "There’s another one!"

A US army helicopter makes a pass of the estate, flying over the somewhat submerged front lawns. The gunner opens fire on the gardeners – who are wearing Vietnamese peasant style straw hats and working on Englishman’s (paddy-field style) lawn.

E’MAN: "Hmm…make a note, Welshman. Looks like we’ll need some new illegal aliens to tend the gardens. And no Orientals this time – it just riles the GIs. Plus, get on to the water company to fix that burst main under the front lawn."

Welshman just stares at his superior open-mouthed.

E’MAN: "You know, I’ve often wondered how the soldiers manage to stay in the helicopter when it banks and turns."

The helicopter does just that: turning to make another pass, which results in the soldier being tipped out of the helicopter.

SOLDIER: "Arrrrggghhh!" having landed his parachute then pops up into the air before limply falling back down. The unfortunate soldier is shown stuck in the paddy field – upside down (waist-to-head submerged), legs flailing wildly in the air

E’MAN: "Ah…they don’t."

W’MAN: "Do you think we should go and help that man?"

E’MAN: "WHAT?! No, there’s no need for that. Besides, our considerable expertise would be best employed searching for this missing tea, not helping people in need. Come!"

SCENE: An Indian reservation.

W’MAN: "What are we doing here, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "Elementary my dear, Welshman. Watch and learn young, Welshman – watch and learn."

Englishman knocks on the flap (Loud, solid RAT-TAT-TAT) of the biggest tepee.

Indian chief appears

CHIEF: "Yes?"

E’MAN: "So! You admit it!"

CHIEF: "I beg your pardon?"

E’MAN: "Don’t play games with me. Up to your old tricks again, are we, chief?"

The chief, bewildered, looks helplessly at Welshman.

W’MAN: "Really, Englishman – what are you talking about?"

E’MAN: "Don’t defend him, Welshman – or I’ll turn you over to the authorities as an accomplice." Turning back to the chief, "Admit it – you’re behind the tea shortage."

CHIEF: "I have absolutely no idea what in the world you are talking about."

E’MAN: "Oh! First the Boston Tea Party – now this. I’ll get you – don’t think I won’t get you. I won’t rest…"

CHIEF: to Welshman "I hope your friend gets the help he needs. Good day, gentlemen."

Welshman is by this point having to restrain an Englishman who is frothing at the mouth.

W’MAN: "Englishman! Listen to me: the Indians weren’t behind the Boston Tea Party – it was whites who had dressed up as natives."

E’MAN: "What? Bah – why should I listen to you – you’ve always been an apologist – ever since the Black Hole of Calcutta"

W’MAN: closing his eyes tight and talking quietly to his feet through clenched teeth "Different Indians, Englishman." By this point Welshman is manhandling Englishman off the reservation. Englishman is still shouting and is now angrily waving his fist.

E’MAN: "Well they won’t get away with it this time. You mark my words – you won’t get away with it this time, you red-skinned devils!"

W’MAN: "ENGLISHMAN! GET A GRIP!" and Welshman slaps Englishman. He snaps out of it. "Snap out of it – you’re delusional."

E’MAN: "Wha?…Welshman?" Englishman puts his hand out to lean on Welshman ’s shoulder for support.

W’MAN: "What you just said was profoundly racist. Frankly it was disgusting to hear you talk like that – and callous even by your standards."

E’MAN: "Y–You’re right of course old friend. It’s this blasted lack of tea. Ohhhhh!" he wails

W’MAN: "There, there – let’s get you back to the mansion. We’ll regroup over a nice cup of tea." Englishman starts wailing again over the thought of tea, so Welshman raises his voice and – correcting himself – continues, "COFFEE – COFFEE – AND WORK out where to go from here"

SCENE: back in the parlour at the mansion. Englishman and Welshman are reading newspapers. Essentially a repeat on the intro scene – but this time Englishman is served coffee, not tea – again he spits it out in a mist of droplets over the maid. She closes her eyes – a drip forms and falls from her nose.

E’MAN: "Oh – sorry about that. I haven’t quite got used to the taste yet – at least not when I’m expecting tea. Welshman – any information about new leads in the tea case?"

W’MAN: "Sorry, Englishman. There’s been no news."

Englishman rises from his armchair and crosses to the huge window. He crosses his hands behind his back.

E’MAN: "We can’t just sit here doing nothing."

W’MAN: "Yes. But we can’t have a repeat of the Indian fiasco."

E’MAN: "You are forever harping on about that. Will you give it a rest, Welshman? You’re never going to let me live that down. One mistake in an otherwise unblemished career."

W’MAN: "Englishman – we just got back from the reservation ten minutes ago! And that’s the first time I’ve mentioned it! And I'd hardly call it an unblemished career? What about that nunnery burning down?"

E’MAN: "Apology accepted."

W’MAN: "What just happened?"

E’MAN: "No – we must take this fight to our enemy sooner rather than later. We shall find tea on the beaches. We shall find tea in the hills and in the countryside. We shall find tea all over this land! And we shall never surrender!"

W’MAN: "That’s meaningless, Englishman. I think you’re losing sight of the real issue here, Englishman. We still don’t know who took the tea."

E’MAN: "Yes, yes. Wait…"

W’MAN: "What is it?"

Englishman crosses back to the coffee table – between the armchairs and in front of the fire – and begins to pick up the newspapers, affording each a quick glance before throwing them up in the air. Eventually he stops and folds a paper open and scans down the columns.

E’MAN: "Aha! Something I thought I remembered reading about. The police recovered the weapon used to kill the guard of the warehouse from which all the tea was stolen. Their analysis must be complete by now – perhaps they’ll have discovered some clues that may help us in our quest. To the crime lab forthwith!"

They leave the room with Butler and Maid in the background desperately trying to put out the fire Englishman has just caused by throwing newspaper everywhere.

SCENE: At the crime lab.

E’MAN: "So tell me – what have you discovered?"

CSI: "Well, the knife we found…"

E’MAN: "Nuh-iiiiife? I’m English and proud of it – and I speak English and I’ve never heard anyone use that word before. ‘Nuh-ife’ indeed! Now, let’s use words we can all understand."

CSI: "Yes, sir."

E’MAN: quietly to Welshman "Scientists: pompous twits the lot of them. Tsh!"

CSI: "Anyway, as I was saying: there are foreign epithelials on the… murder weapon" he says the words slowly for Englishman’s benefit – who smiles pleasantly back at him and nods appreciatively, before muttering

E’MAN: "Damn foreigners, I’m fed up with the lot of them. Bloody sponges – taking our jobs, sleeping with our money, spending our hard earned wives – should send them all back to Epithelia if you ask me" – Englishman’s angry reaction met with incredulous looks from gathered scientists & Welshman.

CSI: haltingly, owing to Englishman’s ongoing rant "So…we…ran…the...DNA against the database and it came up with a match."

W’MAN: quietly "Don’t mind him" Welshman makes the universal "He’s a bit cuckoo" finger-twirling-by-the-head movement.

E’MAN: "Eh – what was that, Welshman?"

W’MAN: "Nothing, nothing. Well, thank you, gentlemen, I’ve think we’ve learned everything we can here if we can just have the address of the suspect."

CSI: "Certainly, here you are; glad to help."

SCENE: Out on the street.

W’MAN: " The United Nations Building, United Nations Square, New York."

E’MAN: "United Nations Building. Now – why does that sound familiar? Of course! It’s the headquarters of the Evil Empire."

W’MAN: "Evil Empire, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "I mean the UN."

W’MAN: "Oh."

SCENE: At the UN. Exterior shot, with the camera panning up the building. Then inside: Englishman and Welshman walk down the corridor, passing a door marked Hun Ambassador to the UN: a man in a Pickelhaube, sat behind a desk, then a storeroom filled with leaking oil barrels, labelled Iraqi Oil. Finally, they knock on a door labelled "Mob Ambassador to the UN".

E’MAN: "Hmm…no response." There’s a noise from inside the room so Englishman opens the door. A door in the far corner of the room closes and is locked from the other side. Englishman rushes over and tries the handle.

E’MAN: "Locked." He goes to the window where Welshman now is. Despite them being on the 30th floor and the suspect only having closed the door 10 seconds ago we see the suspect hurrying across the courtyard below.

W’MAN: "He’s getting away."

E’MAN: "Not if I can help it."

W’MAN: "Well, the elevator is the quickest way down."

E’MAN: "No it’s not." Englishman takes Welshman by the scruff of the neck and his belt and uses him as a battering ram on the window and then rides him down to the ground a la airboarding – and uses him to cushion his landing. SPLAT! Welshman ’s lungs burst out of his mouth. Englishman then judo rolls off and brushes himself down. Englishman looks back down at Welshman disapprovingly – "Please, Welshman – not in public, there’s a good chap" The lack of a response prompts Englishman to prod Welshman in the eyeball with his umbrella. "Hmm…looks like I might need a new assistant." Turning around again and surveying the courtyard for any sign of the Mob Ambassador, "Damn and blast, Welshman, you’re lack of motivation has allowed the suspect to escape. Welshman? Welshman, are you listening to me? Humph - never mind – we’ll just return to his office to search for clues."

SCENE: Back in the office.

E’MAN: "Hello-o?" He picks up a pad with ‘Hello’ written on it, looks it over and puts it back down. Next he opens a drawer – finding a book of matches with the name of a restaurant on it "Don Baloney." "Interesting…very interesting."

SCENE: Englishman conducts raid of organised crime restaurant. Sat at the tables are crooked cops, the police commissioner, judges, magistrates etc. DA stands up and confronts Englishman

E’MAN: "Halt! This is a…a …Welshman?"

W’MAN: "A raid."

E’MAN: "A what?"

W’MAN: "Raid."

E’MAN: "This is a raid."

DA: "Do you have a warrant?"

E’MAN: "A warrant? Here’s my warrant" – umbrella to the man’s stomach and then face. "Does anyone else want to examine my warrant?"

CUSTOMERS: chorus "No!"

E’MAN: "Now then…where’s – my – tea?"

Silence. Englishman’s begins to wander between the tables. A mobster comes out from the kitchen wielding a Tommy gun and proceeds to fire. Englishman opens his umbrella – which deflects all the bullets into the gathered criminal fraternity. Eventually the gun runs out of bullets and Englishman raises his umbrella above his head:

E’MAN: "So it is bad luck to open one’s umbrella indoors. Very bad luck indeed for these gentleman. A-ha ha-ha!"

W’MAN: "Englishman, you’ve just killed at least thirty men and women."

E’MAN: "No need to thank me, Welshman."

W’MAN: "I wasn’t thanking you."

E’MAN: "You’re welcome, old bean." Englishman sniffs the air. "Do I detect a faint whiff of tea – methinks one does."

Together they head into the kitchen.

E’MAN: "Look!" a trail of spilt tea leaves leads out the exterior door of the kitchen. They follow the tea to the airport.

SCENE: A plane is sat on the tarmac waiting to taxi. Englishman boards the plane in pursuit of crooks. Plane takes off without Englishman realising. Englishman confronts the mob boss responsible for stealing all the tea.

E’MAN: "You! You’re the mastermind behind all this. Why, there can be few things in world history that have been more terrible, more depraved, more inhuman than the crime you have perpetrated these last few days."

MOB BOSS: "So, Mr Englishman – we meet at last. I would just like to say what an honour it is to have you aboard my jet."

E’MAN: "Yes, well, that’s all very good. Can I have your assurance that the tea will be returned to the warehouse as soon as possible?"

MOB BOSS: "You have my word, it will be back in that warehouse this very night. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you."

MOB LACKEY: "But, Boss, he killed everyone at the restaurant – even Fat Tony."

MOB BOSS: "WHAT?! Fat Tony is dead?! NOOOO! Englishman, you have gone too far, Fat Tony was like a brother to me."

MOB LACKEY: "Gee, Boss, I thought Tony was your brother."

MOB BOSS: "Oh, yeah, he was my brother. No wonder he was like a brother to me. So, Englishman, do you have any last requests before I take revenge on you for killing my brother?"

E’MAN: "I don’t suppose I could get a cup of tea, could I?

MOB BOSS: "Fingers, get the man his tea, and bring me my gun."

MOB LACKEY: "Yes, Boss."

The tea is served – Englishman spits it out.

E’MAN: "TOO HOT!"

Whilst the mobsters are temporarily blinded Englishman makes for the door and opens it, stepping out in mid-flight. He falls, wind rushing past him.

E’MAN: "Hmm…that’s odd. Airport’s a lot breezier that when I left it. Wait a moment, what’s this – if the airport is down there, then I must be…gadzooks! The plane must have taken off."

Back aboard the plane the fat mob boss was sucked into the doorway and is now plugging the gap – equalising the pressure. ‘Fingers’ peers through a window.

MOB LACKEY: "Gee, boss, there’s no way he could survive that fall. He didn’t have no parachute or nothin’."

Camera switches back to the falling Englishman.

E’MAN: "What’s that? My English sense is tingling – someone nearby must be using bad grammar. And despite my predicament, I can’t help but be annoyed by someone abusing my fair language. Hmm…now…" Englishman begins to fumble around with his cloak. After a few moments he has set up rigid spokes which have transformed his cloak into a hang glider.

E’MAN: "Now…where’s my estate? Ah – there it is."

He glides serenely down and lands just outside his front door.

Back on the plane:

MOB LACKEY: "I don’t believe it! He’s OK. He just flew like a bird!"

MOB BOSS: "Then get after him."

MOB LACKEY: "But Boss!"

MOB BOSS: "DO IT! He killed Tony!"

MOB LACKEY: "Sure thing, Boss." So he goes to the cockpit and points a gun at the pilot’s head, "Follow that English guy!"

PILOT: "But we could die!"

MOB LACKEY: "The alternative is that I shoot you right now."

PILOT: "OK – I’ll do it."

MOB LACKEY: "Real smart choice."

As seen from the ground over Englishman’s shoulder: the plane banks and begin the head towards the estate.

MOB LACKEY: "We’ll land on those lawns, OK?"

PILOT: "OK. I can do that…just." The plane begins its approach, but as they get closer, "Wait…those lawns are underwater. We can’t land there."

MOB LACKEY: "Then pull up."

PILOT: "It’s too late! We’re going to crash!"

PILOT AND LACKEY: "Arrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhh!"

The plane crashes harmlessly into the coffee pile – joining the army helicopter which is still there.

E’MAN: "Butler, order a crane to remove those aircraft."

BUTLER: "Very good, sir."

Mob Boss and Lackey appear from pile, covered and coated in coffee, and with small heaps of coffee on their heads.

MOB BOSS: "Fingers, this is coming out of your pay cheque!"

MOB LACKEY: "Sorry, Boss."

SCENE: Back in the parlour. Englishman and Welshman sat in their big armchairs by the fire. In the background Butler arrives with tea and the maid – now wearing oilskins (big yellow cagoule/anorak type trawlerman’s garb) – is polishing ornaments.

E’MAN: "Well, I’m glad that everything is back to normal."

W’MAN: "Normal? You’ve killed dozens of people, started a feud with the Mob and the UN are attempting to bring international sanctions against you for harassing the Mob ambassador."

E’MAN: "Yes – but most importantly, we got the tea back."

W’MAN: "Not because of you though, Englishman – that was down to the police sniffer dogs tracking down where it was being stashed."

E’MAN: "All in a day’s work, Welshman – all in a day’s work. Butler, you may serve the tea now."

BUTLER: "Very good, sir."

SCENE: In a darkened room the heads of the all the Mob families have got together – nine men sat around a table – each one with 2 or 3 bodyguards stood behind him.

MOB BOSS #1: "Englishman has humiliated us all. He must be dealt with. Are we all in agreement?"

MURMUR OF AGREEMENT FROM THE OTHERS AROUND THE TABLE: "Hear, hear." "Yes, yes."

ROLL CREDITS

Englishman, BA, MA, Ph. D, BBC, ITV, IKEA, CIA, FRS, DOA, MIA, NRA, NIS, DUI, Earl and OBE (which makes him an Earlobe) was played by Noel Coward, Oscar Wilde, Sidney Poitier, Alec Guinness and many more!

Butler was played by Butty "Butler" Butlerian Jihad.

Scotchman was played by some guy who wouldn't go away till we gave him booze money.

Welshman was played by Mustapha Al-Khameini.

Denzel Washington was played by Himself.

Ku Klux Kola is a registered brand-name belonging to the Ku Klux Kola organisation, and is used with permission.*

Filmed in EnglishVision

EHX: "THE AUDIENCE IS READING!"

* We sure hope that isn't a real Cola!

DISCLAIMER: There are few if any jokes in this episode owing to the fact that this was only ever half an idea. Furthermore, it was so long before this idea came to be written up that I forgot what the grand plan for the episode was and so couldn’t be bothered to waste the better jokes on it. Hence the posting of two episodes at once: M4 and also H6 – an episode I would consider thoroughly up to spec. Adieu et bon nuit.

SCENE: At the Englishmansion – Englishman and Welshman are, as usual, sat in their armchairs – on either side of the fire. Welshman is reading the paper.

WELSHMAN: "Look, Englishman, there’s an article here that says the Greenland ice sheet could melt in the next 1000 years causing massive flooding to low-lying areas, killing and making homeless millions of people and crippling the world economy!"

ENGLISHMAN: "Oh, well, no rush then. We’ll solve a different problem this week."

Englishman vs. The Alien Invasion

SCENE: Space. An alien ship arrives in Earth orbit and starts transmitting. This is evident from beeping and flashing. Meanwhile, in the White House's Oval Office…

PRESIDENT: "Yeehaw, boys. Well we sure are glad that youse guys could make it to our little ol’ corner of the gal-hickey. Well if we ain’t gonna have ourselves the rootinest tootinest hoedown in the western hemmy-sphere then mah name isn’t president Shrub."

He fires into the ceiling with a revolver; plaster falls down.

ALIEN #1: "What did he say? I thought you said the translator could decipher English."

ALIEN #2: "It can, sir. I don’t know what’s gone wrong. He obviously isn’t speaking English."

ALIEN #1: "Speak English, little man, or we will have no choice but to incinerate your planet and destroy every living thing on its surface."

PRESIDENT: "Er, gee…jumpin’ Jehosaphat. Get me that thar president of Englandica on them there whadjuhmacallit."

SECRETARY: "Telephone, sir…He’s on line one now,"

PRESIDENT: "Hello? Is that the Prime Minister of Britishland?"

Scene switches back and forth between Washington and London:

PM: "Yes, how may I help you?"

PRESIDENT: "Well hoo-haw if it ain’t just the dangest thing. We got us-selves into a bit of a pree-dicky-mint and we might just be needing a bit of your ol’ luck of the Irish to get us-selves out of it."

PM: "I see…" to his secretary in charge of translation, "What’d he say? What’d he say?"

SECRETARY: "They’ve got a problem and he needs your help."

PM: "Ah! Yes, of course, Mr President, my country would be only too happy to help."

PRESIDENT, to his secretary in charge of translation: "What’d he say? What’d he say?"

SECRETARY: "Why, merry old England would be pleased as puddin’ to help out their old friends here in the good ol’ US of A."

PRESIDENT: "Well nah why couldn’t he jus’ say that?" Secretary shrugs her shoulders, "Well then, Mr Prime Beefsteak, I be very much obliged to yuh – yee haw!"

PM: "Indeed. Goodbye and good luck." Both replace the receivers,

PRESIDENT: "Idiot!"

PM: "Moron!" And, turning to his secretary once more, "Convene an Extraordinary General Meeting of the Commonwealth. We must discuss how to face this alien invasion."

SECRETARY: "Yes, sir. Right away."

SCENE: A large semicircular room, all the heads of the Commonwealth are gathered there.

CHAIRMAN: "…And all those in favour of making Englishman our chief negotiator in the talks with the aliens?"

(ALMOST) EVERYONE ELSE: "Aye!"

CHAIRMAN: "Those against,"

THE FRENCH-CANADIAN DELEGATE: "Nay,"

EVERYONE ELSE murmurs: "Bloody French Canadians."

DELEGATE #1: "Always the bloody same. Whenever there’s an alien invasion, they don’t want Englishman to stop it. Stupid jealous French. You know they still haven’t forgiven us for scuttling their fleet in the war and for their failure to defend their own country against German invasion…twice. Plus they never really got over the disbanding of the UN after America invaded France because they’d developed that cheese missile so potent that it could have knocked out the entire population in a six state radius."

DELEGATE #2: "Excluding Hawaii and Alaska, of course."

DELEGATE #1: "Of course"

CHAIRMAN: "Motion is therefore passed. Englishman will negotiate with the aliens."

SCENE: Englishman arrives at the flying saucer, which has now landed. A ramp descends. The queen alien emerges along with a small entourage. Tea is served and Englishman and the alien queen sit down at a small table.

ENGLISHMAN: "How’s the weather out there in the galaxy?"

QUEEN ALIEN: "Er…fine."

ENGLISHMAN: "Why are you here again?"

QUEEN ALIEN: "We are searching for planets with populations that we can enslave."

ENGLISHMAN: Surprised and interested "Really?! My family made all its money from the slave trade, so you’ve come to the right place. In fact, I might still have some slave ships and shackles that you could purchase from me at discount prices,"

QUEEN ALIEN: "Excellent." Turning to a member of her entourage, "Contact the rest of the fleet – tell them to prepare to invade,"

ENGLISHMAN: "Don’t forget your tea; can’t let it go cold now, can we?"

The queen alien tentatively sips at the cup of tea. At first nothing happens, but then her face contorts and she goes into convulsions,

ALIEN: "Your majesty! What’s wrong?!" But all the queen can do is croak before falling off her seat, pulling with her the tablecloth along with everything on it.

Then the other aliens begin to exhibit the same symptoms and one by one they drop dead.

ENGLISHMAN: "Well, what do you make of that, Welshman?

WELSHMAN: "They must have been allergic to the tea – and as a hive species the others must have been affected when the queen drank some,"

ENGLISHMAN: "Yes, but how rude of them to just die like that – and when we were getting on so well too. A travesty – that’s what I call it."

WELSHMAN: "Er…they were evil aliens – plotting to take over the world and everything."

ENGLISHMAN: wryly "I think we’ve all plotted to do that at one time or another, Welshman! It doesn’t make us evil!"

WELSHMAN: "And enslaving everybody?"

ENGLISHMAN: "That’s business for you."

WELSHMAN: "Anyway, the important thing is that you saved the world."

ENGLISHMAN: "Yes, but at what cost?"

WELSHMAN: "I don’t follow?"

ENGLISHMAN: "They spilt a whole pot of tea! Was it really worth repelling an invasion at that price? Really, Welshman – really?"

WELSHMAN: "Er…no…I…guess not."

ENGLISHMAN: "Quite right."

US ARMY GENERAL walks up: "We’ve just received word that all the ships in orbit have left at high speed. Well done, Englishman – you’ve saved the world."

ENGLISHMAN: enraged "PLEASE STOP THANKING ME! I DON’T TAKE PRAISE VERY WELL!"

Just then, Elvis – clad in sparkly white, large collared jump suit – comes walking slowly down the boarding ramp of the flying saucer.

ELVIS: "I’m free at last!"

WELSHMAN: "Elvis Presley? Everybody thought you were dead. Well…not everybody. Some crazed, deranged, fruitcake types…"

ENGLISHMAN: "Too right! I, for one, always believed that you’d been abducted by aliens,"

ELVIS: "Tha’s exactly wha' happened. They came backstage in Vegas and invited me up on their spaceship to play a series of concerts for $100m, so ah-ah couldn’t resist and ah went with them. But thank y’, thank y’very much, Englishman, for rescuing me. I thought I’d never get away. It was like being #in the ghetto#."

Next, Abraham Lincoln descends the ramp.

ABE LINCOLN: "Four score and seven years ago, I was abducted by aliens. Finally, I am free! Anyway, I might as well give the speech I was going to give before the aliens replaced me with a lookalike, I think I can remember most of it; no freedom for slaves, ban slaves coming to the North, yada yada yada."

US Army General gawps at Lincoln, horrified.

SCENE: Back at the Englishmansion…

ENGLISHMAN: "Look here, Welshman, the French have deployed their cheese missiles on Haiti." He holds up a newspaper with the headline ‘US troops mass on the border with Quebec – British Canadians welcomed the move.’ Picture shows American troops as redcoats.

ENGLISHMAN: "So, at least one good thing has come of all this."

WELSHMAN: "What’s that, Englishman?"

ENGLISHMAN: "Now that the aliens are gone we can all get back to fighting wars amongst ourselves."

WELSHMAN: "Why is that good?"

ENGLISHMAN: "Because I make all my money selling arms, shipping arms, smuggling arms, etc – so I need wars or else nobody needs all these prosthetic limbs I manufacture."

ROLL CREDITS.

Guest director: George Lucas – at his behest the parts of Englishman and Welshman were this week played by a small blond girl and an Ewok, respectively.

Abraham Lincoln was played by HYPERLINK "http://imdb.com/name/nm0000614/"
Alan Rickman (at his most evil).

Ingredients for a chocolate sponge cake: 2 eggs, 4oz self-raising flour, 4oz butter, 4oz caster sugar.

President Shrub was played by HYPERLINK "http://imdb.com/name/nm0000164/"
Anthony Hopkins.

Winner of the 2001 Grand National: Red Marauder

The British PM was played by Tony Blair (not that we seek to imply that he's a media slut!)

The Alien Queen was played by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Antigua and Barbuda, Belize, and Saint Kitts and Nevis.

Warning: Contains small parts. Not for children under 3 years. Danger of choking / suffocation.

SCENE: Welshman is talking to Butler in the drawing room of the Englishmansion.

WELSHMAN: "Have you noticed anything different about Englishman lately?"

BUTLER: "What, in particular, were you thinking about?"

W’MAN: "I don’t know, really. He just seems to be off his game lately – depressed maybe. And often I find Englishman’s behaviour to be highly erratic." Englishman just catches this as he arrives at the doorway.

ENGLISHMAN: horrified "Welshman …finds me…erotic? Good heavens, I had no idea. I must put a stop to this immediately," picks up phone shaped like a pigeon. It coos. "Hello? Directory enquiries? Yes, I’d like the number of a reputable hitman please. Yes…I’ll hold." Muffled #Rule Britannia# plays from the phone.

Scene cuts back to Welshman.

W’MAN: "You know, I think I might take him for a stroll round London. See the sights – get his mind off things."

BUTLER: "Very good, Master Welshman, sir. Will sir be needing sandwiches?"

W’MAN: "No, I think we’ll eat out."

BUTLER: "Very good, sir."

Scene cuts back to Englishman out in the hall.

OPERATOR: "Connecting you now, sir"

E’MAN: "Thank you. Are you a hitman? Good. I have a rather delicate problem that requires your help. My sidekick has fallen in love with me and, well, I just can’t face the humiliation should this become public."

HITMAN: "So you want me to kill him?"

E’MAN: "Well, yes, although I look at it more as though you’re just a vet putting an old and decrepit dog out of its misery. Sure, we may have had some good times, but now that he’s outlived his usefulness the kindest thing one can do is to just have one’s old friend put down. I…I’ll miss him though."

<FLASHBACK> montage of moments from Englishman & Welshman ’s life together (to the theme music from Black Beauty). Englishman throwing sticks for Welshman in the park. Welshman leaping into river after stick and swimming back out and shaking himself dry on all fours. Welshman lying in a dog basket feeding a litter of puppies from multiple nipples. Englishman on a hunt – Welshman scares the birds from the rough – penguins run out – Englishman fires – Welshman fetching the birds bodies back to Englishman. Welshman getting his shots at the vet. Butler with his sleeves rolled up bathing Welshman in the kitchen sink as in the foreground Englishman reads his newspaper at the kitchen table. Welshman gnawing happily on a bone. <FLASHBACK ENDS>

Englishman sighs.

W’MAN: "Englishman? Ah – I thought it was you."

E’MAN: "Yes, old friend, won’t be long now."

W’MAN: "’Scuse me?"

E’MAN: "Nothing, nothing. Now tell me, what are we going to do today? Battle Frenchman or Hitler? Or solve the theft of the Houses of Parliament?"

W’MAN: "No, no. Not today. I was just talking to Butler and I think it might be nice if we had a day out – just the two of us." Englishman’s eyes bulge wide open,

E’MAN: "Er…but…but…er…"

W’MAN: "That settles it, a day out in London it is,"

E’MAN: "Yes – but – terrorists – national security – my country needs me,"

W’MAN: "Ha ha – even you have to have a day off every now and again. I’m sure the country won’t explode just because you take one little holiday."

E’MAN: "Buh-"

W’MAN: "Not another word. Come on – we’re going."

SCENE: The streets of Soho. A vagrant (a blanket over his legs, tattered, stained clothes, bottle of booze, beard etc) is sitting in a doorway.

VAGRANT: "Spare some change guv’nor?"

E’MAN: "Eugh! The British prostitutes are as ugly as ever"

They walk a bit further:

HIDEOUS LOOKING PROSTITUE: "’Ello, dear. Fancy a bit of ‘ow’s y’father?"

W’MAN: "No, thank you, I’ve just eaten." And as an after thought, "But good luck!"

Englishman and Welshman turn a corner into a street full of hookers. More and more whores start ambling forwards, arms outstretched, murmuring and moaning – very much like zombies – Englishman beats a path through them with his umbrella and the two of them hurry on.

E’MAN: "Were they undead zombies or just hookers? I couldn’t tell just by looking at them."

W’MAN: "Me neither – sorry, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Nevermind – quick, this way – before they regroup."

Next they pass a Registry Office; a sign outside reads: gay weddings performed here.

E’MAN: "Gay weddings? Why, what wedding isn’t gay?! It’s supposed to be a celebration,"

W’MAN: "No, Englishman, I don’t think you understand…" Englishman looks at Welshman in complete innocence. "Never mind."

They arrive at the zoo. First they get to the monkey enclosure:

E’MAN: "Goodness gracious! They can’t make French people into a zoo exhibit! Just because they’re filthy, hairy and smell like wild animals…"

W’MAN: "Those are monkeys," Englishman hits Welshman,

E’MAN: "As much as I detest our cousins across the Channel, I will not have you talking about them that way. Just because they are intellectually inferior, seemingly unable to groom themselves and are currently flinging their faeces in our direction is no reason to mock them or exhibit them alongside more intelligent examples of the animal kingdom."

W’MAN: "You know, Englishman, humans share 98% of their DNA with chimps."

E’MAN: "Hah! Maybe the Welsh do – and I daresay the French share 99% of their DNA with apes – but I can assure you that I certainly don’t!"

WELSHMAN in resignation: "Never mind,"

Next they pass a cage containing a huge eagle.

E’MAN: "Goodness gracious, whatever next?! Now they’ve got a Jew on display!"

W’MAN: apolplectic "THAT IS NOT A JEW!"

EAGLE: "SQUAWK!"

E’MAN: "There! He’s even talking Yiddish! That proves it. Tut tut tut – keeping Jews in cages, that can’t be right!"

W’MAN: snaps "That’s true, you aren’t right - in the head!"

E’MAN: "I’m always right – and to prove it, we’ll settle this dispute with a game of ‘paper scissors, stone’."

W’MAN: "O-kay; you’re sure you know the rules?"

E’MAN: "Of course!" whereupon Englishman picks up a rock from the ground and clubs Welshman with it.

W’MAN: "Argh! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

E’MAN: "Round two," and Englishman pulls out a pair of scissors from his pocket and stabs Welshman,

W’MAN: "ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

E’MAN: "Aha! I win again, Welshman! What have you got to say for yourself now?" Welshman just lies curled up, cowering, his hands and forearms shielding his face.

E’MAN: "That’s not a recognised move, Welshman, ergo, you forfeit." Welshman continues whimpering. "Oh, Welshman, you’ve got blood all over my clothes – now I’ll have to go home and change. Come along!"

On the way out Englishman doesn’t even blink as he passes an enclosure containing two morbidly obese Americans – the sign reads "Corpulent Americans – sub-species of Homo sapiens. On loan from San Diego Zoo"

E’MAN: "Hmm…curiously pink skinned elephants…no matter."

SCENE: Back at the Englishmansion. Englishman has changed (into identical clothes, minus the blood).

E’MAN: "Better check my messages in case the government tried to get in touch with me to solve a major case or anything," He pushes the playback button – the machine rewinds – high-pitched voices play very fast backwards – Englishman exasperatedly dismisses the machine, throwing it to the floor and breaking it –

E’MAN: "Bloody foreigners!…grumble, grumble…spouting gibberish. I do wish people would talk more clearly. I can’t understand a word they say on these infernal contraptions."

W’MAN: "That remark about foreigners might be seen as a little racist, Englishman. You really need to tone down how you speak in private before you end up insulting some foreign dignitary and sparking a diplomatic incident."

E’MAN: "Pah! 'Racism!' People have been calling me a racist ever since I gave all that money to the apartheid regime in South Africa. Say – you don’t know how that’s going do you?"

W’MAN: "Apartheid was ended years ago, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Oh…pity. I’ll just have to rely on the income from the large tobacco farms I own in Rhodesia. I’m glad old Cecil is still in charge over there!"

W’MAN: "Actually, Englishman, it’s called Zimbabwe now and your farms…"

E’MAN: "Yes?"

W’MAN: "Never mind."

E’MAN: "All right then. Ho ho ho – "Zimbabwe" – how quaint!"

W’MAN: "Nevermind, Englishman, we’ll turn on the TV – that always calms you down,"

E’MAN: "Yes, good idea, Welshman." Welshman activates the TV

from TV HITLER: "Und now, vill you please velcome on stage mein next guest, Chief Rabbi Jonathan Sacks" CHEESY MUSIC

E’MAN: "I can’t believe Hitler got his own chat show – what were Fox thinking? Change the channel, Welshman."

W’MAN: "Er, but you have the remote control, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Yes, but I asked you to do it. Is that really so difficult for you to understand? You know, I could have you replaced in a heartbeat. Colonial Man has been coming on in leaps and bounds these last few weeks. He’s ready and willing to step into your shoes. You’re expendable, Welshman – and don’t you forget it."

W’MAN: "Yes, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Oh, forget it. We’ll do something else….Have you heard my new ringtone?" Englishman produces his mobile which begins playing #Rule Britannia#

W’MAN: "Very good, Englishman. I don’t think I can get that one. By the way, what network are you on? I’m on the ‘Yellow’ mobile phone network,"

E’MAN: "Yellow? But that’s a French owned company! You should always buy British – like me. That reminds me – have you seen my new hands-free Vaderphone headset?" Englishman produces from beside his armchair a Darth Vader mask-helmet which incorporates a phone. He puts it on.

W’MAN: "Am I supposed to be able to hear you breathing so loudly?"

E’MAN: the mask makes him sound like Vader "Yes, that’s the super sensitive microphones working. I find your lack of faith disturbing,"

W’MAN: "Sorry, Englishman… What’s that magazine you’ve got there?"

E’MAN: as Vader "It’s research. Know one’s enemy, Welshman. Hitler Magazine – one of the top ten most popular Nazi publications." He removes the hands free kit

W’MAN: "I dread to think what else made the top ten,"

E’MAN: "Funny you should ask – they’ve got the list right here. Well, there’s Mein Kampf; Mein Kampf 2: This Time it’s Personal – and, of course, Modern Nazi Bride Magazine-"

W’MAN: "Modern Nazi Bride Magazine?!"

E’MAN: "Nazis are people too, Welshman. Hmm…all this talk of Nazis has got me thinking. Hitler was last seen heading towards the moon in Frenchman’s balloon, right?"

W’MAN: "Right,"

E’MAN: "So what are we doing here? We should be up there after him. I’ll make a call to my good friend Admiral Shatner in the Royal Space Navy and see if we can’t borrow a ship to go after Hitler."

W’MAN: "Brilliant, Englishman! Now you’re getting back to your old self."

SCENE: Exterior of spaceship – star destroyer with warp nacelles, but bristling with guns typical of C20th battle ships. "HMS Doom Wielder" emblazoned across the hull.

ENGLISHMAN narrates: "Englishman’s log, English date Monday the 3rd of English. Hitler is…holed up…in his moonbase…"

W’MAN: "Why are you talking in that way, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "I…don’t know…Spock…I mean, Welshman …Gosh, I had no idea it was so hot aboard these spaceships. I’ll open a window." Englishman moves over to a window and opens it.

W’MAN: "NO, ENGLISHMAN!"

PSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! SHHHLUCK! Lots of sheets of paper have appeared from somewhere and blow around the bridge. With some difficulty Englishman manages to pull the sash window back down again.

E’MAN: "Whoops! Still, that’s better. Brrrrrr!"

CREWMAN: "Sir, we’re picking up a small ship on sensors,"

E’MAN: "Lay in a pursuit course,"

CREWMAN: "Aye, sir,"

SCENE: HMS Doom Wielder pursues the much smaller craft and locks on a tractor beam. A boarding party takes over the ship. Englishman is wearing his Vaderphone headset, throttling a Nazi officer again the wall.

E’MAN: breathing, then as Vader "If this is a consular ship, then where is the Nazi ambassador?" breathing

NAZI: gurgling and choking sounds

ROYAL SPACE MARINE (think stormtrooper, but wearing C18th British Army redcoat over his armour, and a tricorne atop his helmet): "The plans for the Death Moon are not in the main computer."

E’MAN calls Welshman using his Vaderphone headset: "Welshman? Yes – the plans weren’t aboard. I’ll be returning shortly, so have some tea ready."

SCENE: Back aboard the bridge of HMS Doom Wielder. Englishman is sat drinking his tea.

E’MAN: "Ah, Welshman, I do so like the Royal Space Navy – it’s much more like the Royal Navy of old – not the pitiful, shadow-of-its-former-self Royal Navy of today."

CREWMAN: "Sir…I think there’s a problem with the ship’s sensors,"

E’MAN: "What is it, crewman?"

CREWMAN: "This…this can’t be right. We’re detecting another moon."

W’MAN: "You mean a space station, surely?"

E’MAN: "That thing’s too big to be a space station…but just the right size for…the Death Moon!"

COLLECTIVE GASP! as everyone looks at the image on the main viewscreen.

E’MAN: "Prepare my X-spitfire, I’ll be leading the main assault force,"

W’MAN: "Perhaps we could just negotiate, Englishman,"

E’MAN: "No, Welshman, we must use the force…of the British Empire to crush this threat once and for all – now come on!"

SCENE: Down in the hangar bay Englishman and the other pilots climb into their Spitfires – except that these Spitfires have four wings instead of two, and the wings are arranged in an X shape.

Exterior shot of the hangar bay entrance – the X-spitfires leaving the ship. In the cockpit:

E’MAN on the radio, again wearing his hands free kit: "Stay in attack formation."

PILOT #1: "Sir – sensors indicate bogeys dead ahead."

E’MAN: "I see them, soldier; keep your eyes open and your wits about you."

Coming towards Englishman and the other X-spitfires is a group of Bi-fighters (bi-planes/TIE fighters – ie the cockpit of the TIE fighter has had a propeller added to the front of it and been rotated 90o, thus making the wings horizontal not vertical; all painted red) – and one Tri-fighter (three sets of vertical wings, obviously).

In the lead Tri-fighter is the Red Baron, who cackles gleefully throughout the ensuing dogfight…

PILOT #2: "I’ve got a bogey on my tail…can’t shake him! … Nooooooo!" BOOM!….

PILOT #3: "I’ve lost English 6, English leader, over."

E’MAN: "Stay on target."

Led by Englishman, the few remaining X-spitfires peel off and head down towards the Death Moon to begin the trench run. The lead ship releases its bombs and the Death Moon explodes.

PILOT #3: "Yee-haw!"

E’MAN: "Yes! We’ve done it!"

WELSHMAN over the radio: "Englishman, what’s happened? The moon has just disappeared from our sensors."

E’MAN: "You mean the Death Moon."

W’MAN: "No, the real moon."

E’MAN: "Oh…shucks."

Just then an orbiting satellite with a US flag and the words "US missile defence system" painted on it bleeps into life and fires at two of the three remaining X-spitfires.

E’MAN: angrily "I thought the Americans were supposed to have fixed that whole friendly fire system after destroying all our planes in the Gulf War. Never mind, I’ll just have to do this alone."

Englishman sets a new course and accelerates towards the Death Moon. Meanwhile, on board the Death Moon.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: "T-minus 5 minutes and counting until firing of Death Moon laser,"

HITLER rubbing his hands gleefully: "Excellent, excellent!…Vait…vot’s zat on ze viewscreen? It looks like…oh no! It is! It is Englishman! Nein, nein, nein!"

The shape on the viewscreen gets bigger and bigger as it nears. Then the viewscreen turns to static as Englishman crashes. Back on the surface of the Death Moon, Englishman’s X-spitfire is wrapped around a large periscope.

E’MAN: "Hmm…there goes my six years no claims bonus. Two-R – follow me," He then proceeds to climb out of the cockpit and onto the surface, 2R the droid follows. He heads towards a huge crater with a hole at the centre of it. "Hmm…if only I had something to plug the superlaser with – then it would undoubtedly misfire and implode the whole Death Moon…"

2R whistles nonchalantly and begins to wander off

E’MAN: "Ah, ah, ah! No you don’t! I know it’s a great sacrifice you’re about to make for you country 2R, but you should be proud of yourself. Sorry, old buddy." And Englishman plugs the upside down droid into the hole, "A perfect fit; what are the odds?!"

SCENE: Meanwhile, inside the Death Moon, Hitler has been watching all this on CCTV.

HITLER: "He’ll kill us all! Ze countdown ist non-reversible. Zer ist no vay to stop it! We haf to get out of here! All personnel evacuate ze Death Moon!…Whilst I vill try to put an end to Englishchman vonce und for all,"

SCENE: Somewhere on the surface of the Death Moon: Hitler, now wearing a Nazi space suit, complete with swastikas et al, emerges from an airlock and makes his way to the laser crater. Once there he looks around but cannot see Englishman anywhere. He climbs down and begins trying to remove 2R the droid. But then:

E’MAN: "So, Hitler, we meet again! Now I am the master!"

HITLER: "Look, ein cup of moon tea!" he points to a spot behind Englishman.

E’MAN: "Huh?" he turns round to look. Hitler runs off, "Curses! He tricked me!"

HITLER: "So long, Englishman! HA HAH HAH HAH HA!" and Hitler, hooked onto a zip line, slides back down to Earth from the Death Moon. Englishman, in hot pursuit, produces an umbrella from inside his space suit and uses the handle to hook onto the zip line so as to continue the pursuit.

Back in Germany, Hitler has landed safely, but he cuts the line and Englishman falls to Earth in the middle of the Channel. Hitler, meanwhile, avoids the German police by escapiing in an aged experimental jet fighter.

E’MAN spluttering: "Damn you, Hitler! DAMN YOU!"

At this point Welshman arrives in a speedboat to pick up Englishman and they head back to shore.

In the blue sky above is a bright flash from space. The laser has fired – but instead of exploding the Death Moon has simply melted itself, thus fusing into a solid body orbiting the Earth. Fortunately it is exactly the same size and weight of the old moon and follows the same orbit. Otherwise we might have had to explain problems with the tides.

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are standing out in a large square; Englishman waiting for the hitman to snipe Welshman.

E’MAN sighs: "Well that was quite an adventure we had today, Welshman. Quite an adventure. But you know, there’s still one thing I don’t understand,"

W’MAN: "One thing?!"

E’MAN: "Yes, how did it happen, Welshman? Why did you have to fall in love with me?"

W’MAN: "WHAT?! What the hell are you talking about Englishman?"

E’MAN: "Don’t pretend – there’s no need. I know everything. I overheard your conversation with Butler earlier."

W’MAN: "Oh – I’m sorry…but that still doesn’t explain why you think I’m in love with you. I just said I was worried about you."

E’MAN: "You called me erotic" Welshman looks confused and pauses whilst he thinks back.

W’MAN: almost collapsing at the thought "HA HAH HAH HAHA!"

E’MAN: "Why are you laughing? There’s nothing the least bit funny about this."

W’MAN: " "I didn’t call you erotic – I called you erratic!"

E’MAN: "You did?! Oh, that’s wonderful!" Englishman smiles broadly. "What wonderful news, I’m so relieved. Now everything can go back to normal and I won’t have to feel uncomfortable every minute I spend in your company."

W’MAN: "Yes," Welshman nods in agreement, then realises, "…What?"

E’MAN: "Never mind. Welshman – let’s go home…. It’s odd you know. I should be happy, but I can’t help thinking that I’m forgetting something."

W’MAN: " "Oh? What?" Englishman’s eyes widen and he turns round and starts gesturing towards the hitman’s position. Englishman uses the ‘throat slitting’ gesture, meaning ‘call off the hit’. The hitman sees Englishman through his scope, nods (taking the gesture to mean, ‘kill him now’) and fires with the crosshairs squarely on Welshman ’s head. Screen goes black.

ROLL CREDITS.

Adolf Hitler was played by HYPERLINK "http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790410/"
Michael Sheard.

Butler was played by HYPERLINK "http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000978/"
Lloyd Bridges.

The Death Moon Computer was voiced by HYPERLINK "http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000854/"
Majel Barrett.

The Hitman was played by HYPERLINK "http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000219/"
Steven Seagal.

Director's Commentary: Welshman 's response to the Hideous Prostitute is an amalgam of my two face-to-face meetings with prostitutes. The first I told I'd just eaten, so wasn't hungry. The second, actually a rather pretty girl about my age, I told I was looking for a restaurant, before politely fending off her offers for several sentences. Then wished her good luck as I left. MrP plus prostitutes = something slightly comic about to happen. PRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT="INCLUDEPICTURE \d \z "images/smilies/rolleyes.gif"

SCENE – at the Mansion, in the drawing room – it is revealed that Englishman likes to try his hand as an inventor.

ENGLISHMAN: "Welshman, where are my keys?"

WELSHMAN: "I don’t know."

E’MAN: "Well where did you see them last?"

W’MAN: "I don’t remember."

E’MAN: "Amnesia, eh? I’ve been waiting for just such an opportunity to try out my latest invention."

SCENE fades out and back in, revealing Welshman in the middle of a darkened room, strapped into what looks very much like an electric chair.

W’MAN: "How does it work?"

E’MAN: "The principle is quite simple: I use electricity to stimulate the memory centres of your brain, thus enabling you to recall far more information than usual."

W’MAN: "I see. I must admit that I’m a little apprehensive. Seems as though it might be dangerous."

E’MAN: "Pah! Nonsense! Just relax" ZAP! "Well, do you remember?"

W’MAN: gibbers gobbledegook at high speed

E’MAN: "Blasted contraption."

The doorbell rings from somewhere in the house. Footsteps cross the hall above and echo down the stairs.

Welshman is smoking/smouldering from being electrocuted.

E’MAN: "Tut, tut, Welshman." Englishman points to a ‘No Smoking’ sign, "No smoking, Welshman – this is a snuff only area." Points to a second sign of a silhouette snorting snuff.

Butler comes walking down the stone spiral steps in the corner of the dungeon room.

BUTLER: "Telegram, sir."

E’MAN: "Yes, well, what is it?"

BUTLER: "Singing telegram, sir." And down the stairs and into the room trots a singing telegram:

TELEGRAM: "Do do do do do do! I – am, your singing telegram"

E’MAN: "Get to the bloody point, woman!"

TELEGRAM: "You’re needed in London. MI7 have a mission for you."

W’MAN: "MI seven? I’ve never even heard of them."

E’MAN: "Few people have. They’re primary responsibility is suppressing knowledge of extra-terrestrials – but they’re also in charge of regulating the use of time travel and overseeing the implementation of laws governing the use of temporal vortices. We’ll find my keys later, right now we must go to London."

SCENE – Concord in the air; to strains of #Rule Britannia#

SCENE – Outside MI7’s HQ – in the road is the bus that got blown up on July 7th – a sight which makes Englishman remark:

E’MAN: "Oh look, Welshman, it’s one of those traditional English open-top buses that takes tourists around London’s sites."

W’MAN: "Actually, Englishman – that’s not an open-topped bus. That was a normal double-decker until terrorists blew it up."

E’MAN: "Damn Irish."

W’MAN: "Fanatical Muslims, actually."

E’MAN: "Oh, come off it, Welshman. Islam is the most peace loving religion on the face of the Earth – they’d never hurt anyone. Why, I met Mohammed just the other day and he was absolutely charming."

<FLASHBACK> SCENE: in Englishman’s sitting room. Englishman is in the armchair to the left of the fire, the armchair to the right of the fire is (seemingly) empty.

E’MAN: "Are you sure you won’t have any tea?" No response. "All right then, suit yourself. By the way – how’s your second book coming? Nope? Not talking to me, are you? Ok then, have it your way." Englishman continues sitting, but in silence. He takes a sip of tea <FLASHBACK ENDS>

SCENE cuts back to show Englishman still standing outside MI7 HQ – Welshman having already gone inside during the flashback. Englishman looks around and nips up into the building.

SCENE – Inside MI7’s head office. Head of MI7 is sat behind his desk, his back to the door; Englishman and Welshman sat on the near side of the desk.

HEAD OF MI7: "It turns out that during the Second World War, the Nazis were able to build a time machine using notes that Einstein had left behind." He swings round in his chair to face Englishman and Welshman – except he spins 360 degrees and ends up still facing the rear wall. "Huh?! Where did they go?"

W’MAN: "Ahem!"

HEAD OF MI7 spins again – this time the chair unscrews and the seat topples off the base – CRASH! He gets up: "Oh – there you are."

W’MAN: "So – why didn’t Hitler just go back to before the war and use the knowledge he had gained to do things differently and win it?"

HEAD OF MI7: "As far as we can tell, he tried to do just that. But something went wrong. We think that Einstein may have designed the time circuits so as to make use of the Jewish calendar instead of the Gregorian Calendar."

E’MAN: "Hah! Brilliant! Gold old Einstein!"

W’MAN: "How ironic that it should be something Jewish that proves Hitler’s undoing."

HEAD OF MI7: "Yes, quite. Anyway, we were clearing out some of our old archives and we came across this," He produces an old photograph with a man in the background who looks just like Hitler. "We’ve authenticated it and it was taken in 1885; seven years before Hitler was even born. So it looks as though our good friend Larry Fuehrer is trapped in the past – for the moment at least. And that’s where you two come in."

E’MAN: quietly to Welshman "Keep an eye on him, Welshman – he’s friends with Hitler." To head of MI7, "Pardon me, where did you say it was found?"

HEAD OF MI7: "It was found in our field office in Hitleria,"

BOTH E’MAN & W’MAN: "Hitleria?!"

HEAD OF MI7: "Yes. Why? Is that important?"

E’MAN: "It might just prove to be very important indeed,"

HEAD OF MI7: "Anyway, we need you to go back to 1885 and prevent Hitler changing the timelines so that he wins the war. Should you fail, we may very well all be eating wienerschnitzel by the end of the week – and that doesn’t even bear thinking about."

E’MAN: "You can count on us, sir. I don’t even know what the hell a wienerschnitzel is, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever sit down to dinner at the same table with Johnny Kraut, Herman the German and his aunt, Bertha."

W’MAN: "Oh, that reminds me, Englishman. You’re having lunch with the German ambassador on Thursday. Although we may have to cancel if we’re not back from 1885 in time."

E’MAN: "Very good Welshmen. Now, let’s go. There’s work to be done."

BOTH E’MAN & HEAD OF MI7: "FOR ENGLAND!" they stand and salute.

SCENE: Back at the mansion – the living room is covered in boxes and Englishman is throwing things everywhere.

W’MAN: "Englishman! What are you doing?"

E’MAN: "I’m looking for something."

W’MAN: "Not your keys again, surely. We’re supposed to be on a very important mission for Her Majesty’s Government."

E’MAN: "No, not my keys, you imbecile. Something I bought at auction a long time ago – almost forgot I even had it – but – AHA! – I thought it might come in useful. And here it is." Englishman produces a book emblazoned with the words, "Build Your Own Time Machine by Thomas Edison".

E’MAN: "I got this when they sold off the contents of Edison’s house, but I just never got round to trying it."

W’MAN: "But surely if it worked then Edison would have travelled through time and there would be some record of that."

E’MAN: "Well maybe he did but no-one knows about it," In the background, amongst the papers and dust and boxes is an old book with "My Time Travelling Diary by T Edison" written on it.

<FLASHBACK> EDISON: "I’ve gone back to the year 1885…wait…I was already in the year 1885. Which means that this damn thing doesn’t work at all! Oh wait…forgot to turn it on." PZZZZZOOOOWWWAPPP!! <FLASHBACK ENDS>

E’MAN: "Anyway, Welshman, stop being such a pessimist and help me build the machine."

SCENE: Montage (music: #Britney Spears medley#): Both working on the time machine. Then Englishman sat reading the newspaper as Welshman struggles under weight of something which collapses on him. Englishman just turns page of paper – ignoring his sidekick, whose limbs we can see flailing. Machine comes out first as a bed – at which point

ENGLISHMAN shouts: "Well, perhaps we’d be able to concentrate a little better if you turned off that bloody great racket!"

W’MAN: "Sorry, Englishman," and he unplugs the stereo.

A puzzled looking Englishman consults the plans again and they rebuild the bed. This time a wardrobe appears. Englishman steps inside, pushing through a load of hanging clothes and emerging in a strange snowy location. A FAWN runs up:

FAWN: "Thank goodness you’ve come! We need your help to fight the evil White Witch,"

E’MAN: "No can do, I’m afraid. I’m on a very important mission. Maybe later! Good day."

On the way back through the wardrobe interior Englishman passes a group of children. He nods and smiles politely whilst they doff their caps and curtsey in return. Eventually the wardrobe is dismantled and reassembled as a small, very old fashioned car. Englishman and Welshman stand there looking proud of their work.

SCENE: Outside Englishman’s mansion, the car is on the driveway. Englishman and Welshman are dressed in C19th driving clothes – gloves, hats, goggles.

E’MAN: "Now, Butler, I’m leaving you in charge whilst we’re away."

BUTLER: "Yes, sir."

E’MAN: "Don’t forget to feed the dogs."

BUTLER: "No, sir."

E’MAN: "Nor the giraffes."

BUTLER: "No, sir." Two giraffes walk past in the background.

E’MAN: "Well, all right. Welshman – crank the time machine up and we’ll see if this thing works."

Welshman starts cranking up the engine – it catches – he hurries back and climbs in beside Englishman.

E’MAN: "What speed does the book say we must reach?"

W’MAN: "Er…88mph. No wait – 8 point 8 miles per hour."

Suddenly the screech of tyres is heard. Heads turn towards the source of the sound.

E’MAN: "Oh, my word! They’ve found me. Don’t ask me how, but they’ve found me. Run, Welshman, run!"

W’MAN: "Who’s found you, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "The executors of Edison’s estate. I didn’t really buy that book at auction, I bought it off a man in a pub – no questions asked. This would never have happened if the entire British economy wasn’t dependent on the Black Market."

The VW van speeds up and stops – a man with a rocket launcher stands up – poking out of the roof.

TERRORIST: "Can either of you gentlemen give me directions to the Twin Pines Mall?"

E’MAN: "Why, yes, certainly. You carry on down here, then make a left. Two miles on you’ll come to some traffic lights and the mall is just on your left."

TERRORIST: "Thank you." And to the driver, "Hakka-blach-flach-mach" He thumps the roof of the van and it drives off.

E’MAN: "Right then. Wish us luck, Butler, and start flag waving."

BUTLER: "Good luck, sir."

Butler walks away in front of the car waving a red flag. Englishman begins driving. Staring at the speedometer Englishman doesn’t notice that he’s gaining on Butler. Englishman runs Butler over – squashing him facedown into a muddy puddle in the driveway. Then the time machine disappears in a big flash of colourful light.

SCENE: Travelling through a crazy temporal vortex / wormhole thing – swirly purple cloud tunnel: "the Time-hole".

SCENE: The time machine appears in Hitleria 1885 – on a road in front of a new housing estate –"Tiger Estates" – under construction.

E’MAN: "Switching off time circuits. Turning off ignition. All right, Welshman, we’ve arrived."

W’MAN: "What now, Englishman? How are we going to track down Hitler?"

E’MAN: "First thing’s first – we must hide the time machine. Ah – that looks like a good spot." Englishman & Welshman proceed to push the car into a bush and cover it with leafy branches.

W’MAN: "What’s that leak?"

E’MAN: "Curses! The petrol tank must have broken."

W’MAN: "I told you not to cut corners by using that flower pot instead of Edison’s specification, but ohhhh-no, not you, Englishman. You always have to be different and you’re never wrong."

E’MAN: "Quiet you! Now to use this GPS gadget to track down Hitler."

W’MAN: "Er…I don’t think that there are any Global Positioning Satellites in the year 1885."

E’MAN: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! "Huh! Shows what you know! This way!"

SCENE: At Hitler’s Hitlerian base of operations (in Hitleria).

HENCHMAN: "Sir, we’re registering a disturbance in the Earth’s geo-magneto-temporal tacheon field."

HITLER: "In English, please, Henchman – ach, I mean, auf Deutsch!"

HENCHMAN: "Somebody just used a time machine."

HITLER: "No need to worry. It will just be that old coot Edison again. Probably dropped round to borrow some sugar – crazy old fool. But vait…perhaps…no, it couldn’t be. Zen again, I haf underestimated mein arch-nemesis before. Ve had better keep ein eye open, ja? It might just be zat Englischman hast found mich."

HENCHMAN: "Your orders, sir?"

HITLER: "Best to be on ze safe side. SEND OUT ZE RECONNAISSANCE RACOONS to investigate ze Time Gefinkel!"

HENCHMAN: "JAWOHL, MEIN FUEHRER!" and he pushes a large red button marked "RACOONS"

SCENE: A door in the outside of the bunker opens and four racoons run out. Each has a small colander – covered in wires and flashing lights – on its head, held on by a little chinstrap. Having run a few feet from the door they stop, and instead of going off to do Hitler’s bidding they instead turn around and tip over the garbage cans against the wall of the bunker and start pawing through the contents.

SCENE: back in Hitler’s control room, monitoring the racoons’ actions on a black and white CCTV monitor built into the console –

HITLER: "Ach! Vy ist it nicht vurking?"

HENCHMAN: "I do not know, sir. Wait…are those…colanders? And those – they look like Christmas tree lights."

HITLER: "You’re right! Vot ist ze meaning of this? I asked for mind control devices – now it seems zat I haf nothing of ze sort! BRING ME THE SCIENTISTS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MIND CONTROL PROJECT!"

HENCHMAN talking into microphone on his console: "Paging mind control scientists, mind control scientists: please report to main control room immediately." Nothing happens.

HITLER: "Bring up the lab on the monitor."

HENCHMAN: "Yes, sir."

Close up of screen as it cycles through various camera views – all of which show a series of deserted labs, devoid of equipment.

HITLER: stunned "Zey haf cleaned me out!" enraged "ME! HITLER! HITLER ZE GREAT! HITLER ZE MAGNIFICENT! I gave zem all zat money and zey haf just put colanders und Christmas lights on ze racoons und zen scarpered! Ach – it ist true vot zey say – you cannot get good staff anymore. Henchman? Place an advertisement for more scientists specialising in mind control at ze local job centre."

HENCHMAN stands and clicks his heels together as he bows his head: "Sehr gut!"

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman are walking down a muddy road. As they’re walking they come to the edge of a village.

W’MAN: "How will we know who’s friendly and who’s not?"

E’MAN: "Simple – we’ll just use the special greeting that all English people use to identify one another whilst abroad. It’s very subtle – so even if we say it to an enemy we still won’t arouse any suspicion. Ah – look – we’ll try it on those two chaps. Just follow my lead, Welshman."

They cross the road and stop in front of two swarthy looking locals sat on the wooden steps of a small store. Englishman nods politely to the men before shouting at the top of his voice "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" Welshman leaps forward dragging Englishman away as the two locals look at each other with bemused expressions and then back at Englishman in surprise. "What are you doing, Welshman? We’ll never find anyone on our side if you don’t wait to see if they answer."

W’MAN: tightly "Perhaps it’s best if we just try and complete this assignment without anyone else’s help."

E’MAN: "Rightio, that’s fine with me. Other people just get in my way. Still, at least we’re on the same wavelength. Two minds working as one. Great minds think alike and all that, eh, Welshman? … Welshman?" Englishman looks around, "Where the devil’s he got to now? He won’t last a minute without me around to look after him. The locals will eat him for breakfast. I might as well say goodbye already; that’s probably the last I’ll ever hear of him. He’s most likely already dead-"

W’MAN: "Englishman!"

E’MAN: "Dead, but it’s as though the wind still carries the sound of his voice."

W’MAN: "Englishman! Over here."

E’MAN: "There you are! I thought I’d lost you, boy. So – where do you think you’ve been?"

W’MAN: "I was just over there bartering with the locals for supplies. But as well as these fruits, I was also able to get us some quite juicy information about the location of Hitler’s secret military installation – right here in Hitleria."

E’MAN: "I hope you know that I can’t eat this food. I have severe allergies to anything that isn’t British – one taste and my mouth goes into spasm, spitting out whatever foreign foodstuff it may have been that just tried to poison me."

W’MAN: "That isn’t a muscle spasm, Englishman, and to my knowledge you have no food allergies. You just spit out anything that registers even the slightest taste."

E’MAN: "You mean dirty foreign food? Quite right! And don’t tell me I’m not allergic – what about the time we were on holiday in the Amazon basin and you told me to try and fit in so I ate that poison arrow frog. Don’t tell me I wasn’t allergic that day!"

W’MAN: "That wasn’t an allergy," sighs frustratedly, "Never mind – don’t you want to know what the locals told me about Hitler’s bunker?"

E’MAN: "No, not really. Not until you apologise."

W’MAN: "Oh, for heaven’s sake, Englishman!" Pause during which Englishman just stands there pouting, and with his arms crossed, "Oh, alright! I’m sorry – okay?"

E’MAN: "Don’t think that I’ll forget this treachery, Welshman. My estate buys 60% of the coal produced in Wales – if I were to switch to gas central heating all those miners would be out of work. Think about that next time, Welshman."

W’MAN: "Yes, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Now, you were saying?"

W’MAN: "It turns out that Hitler’s bunker is in the Hitlerian city of New Berlin, just a mile or so down this road."

E’MAN: "Well then what are we waiting for? Let’s go already!"

They walk off; their backs to the camera.

SCENE: side view of Englishman and Welshman walking along a now paved road surface.

W’MAN: "How are we going to beat Hitler?"

E’MAN: "And no less important: how are we going to get home? I’m sure that in 2006 you can buy petrol at every corner store but in 1885 it’s a little harder to come by!"

W’MAN: "Why don’t we kill two birds with one stone?"

E’MAN: "Are you thinking what I’m thinking?!"

W’MAN: "We fix the time machine – then run over Hitler at 8.8 mph thus transporting him back to the present day where he can finally be put on trial for all his war crimes."

E’MAN: "No, apparently, you weren’t thinking what I was thinking. Besides, you still haven’t explained how we fix the time machine."

W’MAN: "There’s nothing to say we need to fix the petrol tank. I’m sure there are lots of other ways that we could get the car up to 8.8mph: roll the car down a hill, drag it with horses, slide it across a frozen lake."

E’MAN: "Ah, but you’re forgetting that the car must accelerate at a very precise rate – all of your suggestions involve far too fast a rate of acceleration and so Edison’s time carbuncle would never kick in."

W’MAN: "You’re right… Aha! I have it – what about an old lame donkey?"

E’MAN: "Hmm…you might just have something there, Welshman. There’s life in you yet! By the way, just how much power does the time carbuncle itself need to generate the Time-hole and facilitate time travel?"

WELSHMAN getting out and looking through "Edison’s Time Machine 1000: User’s Guide (European Edition)": "Er…it says here…a kilojoule."

E’MAN: "A kilojoule?! That sounds like a fantastic amount of power! The mind boggles! Why, ‘kilo’ alone means ‘thousand’. A thousand of these joules. Well, there’s no nuclear power here in 1885, but perhaps…yes…perhaps we could harness a lightning strike. The only problem is that one never knows when or where a lightning bolt might strike"

W’MAN: "We do now," – points to a discarded newspaper lying by the side of the road "Great Westminster Clock Tower struck by lightning – Big Ben unscathed" reads the headline. "But it’s all right, Englishman. A kilojoule is actually a very small amount of energy – for instance, there might be 300kj in a biscuit."

E’MAN: darkly "So – the metric system has made a mockery of me again. I will not rest until all its proponents are resting in their cold, cold graves, six – feet – under. Mwah hahaha!"

W’MAN: "Englishman?"

E’MAN: back to normal "You mean – it needs hardly any power at all to work?" darkly "Bloody foreign measurements and their lies. Misleading and devious and scheming – just like all foreigners."

W’MAN: "Englishman – you’re as much a foreigner to them as they are to you."

E’MAN: "Me!? A foreigner?! Never! I’m English – and don’t you forget it, Welshman. But you – you are a foreigner, Welshman – perhaps you’re behind this evil plot. Conspiring with Hitler…yes, yes – it’s all so obvious now. You’ve been against me from the beginning."

WMAN: "Calm down, Englishman – you’re beginning to sound paranoid."

E’MAN: "For the last time: I’m English. I’ve never ever been to Paranoia!"

They come to a fork in the road – the sign reads: <– New Berlin 400 yds ¦ New Berlin Donkey Sanctuary 200 yds –>

W’MAN: "What a spot of luck!"

E’MAN: "Yes…luck…"

SCENE: Hitler is in his bunker. Room is in shadow around the edges – a bright light hangs over a map table in the centre of the room. Hitler is stood leaning over the table, plotting world domination (as per usual).

HITLER: "Ja, ja. I vill move zese here, und zem zere – und leave all zese Panzers in reserve and under mein personal command…No, vait! Zat’s vere I vent wronk ze last time. One of ze many ways. Now…I think I vill put ze Fifth Army under Blondie’s control."

GENERAL: "Are you sure that is wise, mein Fuehrer?"

HITLER: enraged "DO NOT QUESTION ME, DU NINCOMPOOPENHEIM!"

GENERAL: "Apologies, sir, but maybe the army would be better under a human’s leadership."

HITLER: "NEIN! Zat is vere I vent wrong ze last time. No, no. I’m sure zat I am right zis time. Zat reminds me. BLONDIE! Here, Blondie!" Blondie comes bounding in, he rubs her head and she barks, "Ah, gut dog! Ja, let us go for ein valk. Good dog – good dog." Hitler attaches her lead and leaves the room.

SCENE: Having acquired the donkey from the donkey sanctuary. "Hello – we need to buy your oldest and lamest donkey," Hands are shaken, money exchanged. Englishman and Welshman return to the time machine – they are now entering New Berlin in their time machine hitched up to the donkey. As they approach the bunker Englishman spies Hitler.

E’MAN: "Look, Welshman – there he is! YAH!" and he gees up the donkey – which trots a little faster but still looks near death.

Hitler is focused on Blondie and isn’t paying any attention the road. The time machine trundles ever closer – the speedometer creeps up – 8.4, 8.5, 8.6mph. Hitler looks up from his crouching position. 8.7mph. He squints, but realises all too late who is driving the car – 8.8mph – a brilliant flash of light and everything disappears.

HITLER: "NEEEEEEIIIIIIIIINNN!!!!"

SCENE: In the Time-Hole – the tunnel of purple clouds spins around the car. Hitler clambers unseen from the front, under the car and into the boot – he closes the lid behind him.

SCENE: Butler has just stood up and is looking down at his sodden uniform when the time machine, pulled by a donkey, reappears and knocks him back down into the muddy puddle.

E’MAN: "SORRY, BUTLER!" Englishman calls back.

W’MAN: "Oh, no! Where’s Hitler gone?"

E’MAN: "What? Curses! He must have fallen off in the Time-Hole. Now we may never find him – he could be at any point in history and there’s no way to find out where or when."

Englishman and Welshman climb the stares of Englishmansion and go inside whilst Butler is shown struggling in the background with a very heavy bag (containing Hitler).

E’MAN: "Put those bags in the attic, won’t you, Butler? Along with the time machine."

BUTLER: "Very good, sir."

W’MAN: "Don’t worry, Englishman – we’ll get him next week. We’ll get him next week."

E’MAN: "Perhaps, Welshman, perhaps. Or maybe there’ll be a new and exciting villain for us to face who will reinvigorate the series."

WELSHMAN looking confused: "Yes…maybe…I guess."

ROLL CREDITS

Butler was played by Patrick Stewart (Why would he need a link?).

The Henchman was played by HYPERLINK "http://imdb.com/name/nm0002103/"
Julian Glover.

SCENE: Englishman is stood on a viewing platform overlooking a huge body of water that stretches away into the distance – it’s his lake at the back of the Englishmansion, which is located in his vast countryside estate in downtown Manhattan in New York City. On the lake is a collection of decommissioned warships that Englishman has acquired from various world navies and refurbished and crewed.

As is the case once a month or so, Englishman has been joined for a wargame by a number of specially invited naval friends – serving and retired British & US naval officers, admirals, etc.

The battle is in full flow – huge battleships, cruisers and destroyers (which all began the wargame with full crew complements and arsenals of live ammunition) are variously listing, burning and sinking. Those that remain afloat continue to fire at each other; guns blazing and recoiling impressively. Eventually all the ships are crippled or sinking. A pall of black smoke hangs over the scene. Thousands are dead – their floating corpses forming a carpet on the surface of the lake.

ENGLISHMAN: "Curses, we seem to have run out of ships,"

BRITISH ADMIRAL: "Never mind, Englishman. It was still a tremendous battle. I think we taught those Yanks a thing or two about naval warfare."

US ADMIRAL: "Now hang on a minute, we wiped you out!"

BRIT ADM/L: "Yes, but only because you had far more ships and a huge advantage in firepower."

US ADM/L: "That isn’t true, y’limey loser."

BRIT ADM/L: "You outnumbered us two-to-one!"

E’MAN: "Gentlemen, please! Let’s just agree that we all had a good time and leave it at that. And that the British won. Now, pray silence for the firing of my ceremonial cannon to mark the end of today’s wargame."

The quarrelling ends. Englishman fires his ceremonial cannon to signal the end of the wargame.

Unbeknownst to the wargamers, Hitler has hatched a plan to assassinate Englishman and both the British and US admiralties in one fell swoop. To this end he is in a U-boat which has taken up position just off the coast and is preparing to launch a modified V2 rocket to wipe them all out.

SCENE: Aboard Hitler’s U-boat.

HITLER: "Is the target locked?"

HENCHMAN: "Jawohl, mein Fuehrer."

HITLER: "So, Englischman – I have you now…FEUER!"

At that moment, however, the live shell from Englishman’s ceremonial cannon just happens to land a direct hit on Hitler’s U-boat.

Back on shore, Englishman witnesses the V2 fly into the air before shooting away in the wrong direction – owing to the blast scrambling its guidance systems. Englishman snatches up his telescope. Spying the U-boat rising to the surface he rushes down to his personal dockyard and climbs into his submarine – which is disguised as a whale.

Englishman gives chase, but unfortunately Hitler’s U-boat crew has managed to conduct running repairs and escapes.

On the bridge of the whale submarine:

E’MAN: "It’s no good, Welshman, they’ve got clean away. Surface and we’ll head back home."

CREWMAN: "Aye, sir."

WELSHMAN: "Don’t feel too bad, Englishman, you did what you could."

E’MAN: "Hmm, I suppose," But just then there is a loud metallic clang which echoes through the hull, "Red alert! Battle stations! Raise periscope!"

Englishman peers through the periscope (which comes up through the whale’s ‘blowhole’). A harpoon is visible, lodged in the ‘head’ of the whale submarine.

E’MAN: "We’re under attack by whalers and…" he spins the scope round and peers again, "if I remember my flags correctly, those are Japanese and Norwegian whaling ships,"

W’MAN: "That doesn’t make any sense; what would either, let alone both…together, of those two nationalities be doing hunting whales here, off the north-east coast of America?"

E’MAN: "No time for long-winded explanations now, Welshman. This harpooning of my submarine is a clear act of war. Hmm…they must be after our ivory."

W’MAN: "I think you’re thinking of elephants, Englishman."

E’MAN: "NONSENSE! I know my whales from my elephants. You’re just confused because your parents were whales."

W’MAN: "No, no, I’m from Wales."

E’MAN: "That’s what I said! Now shut up and start firing the torpedoes."

Welshman does as he’s told. The whaling fleet is sunk.

E’MAN: "We may have lost Hitler, but at least we’ve started a war. I’m happy with that for a day’s work. Now, let’s go home,"

SCENE: Our intrepid heroes retire to the house, where Welshman puts in a video he has rented. The titles play:

E’MAN: "Welshman, why on Earth did you rent Just Another Crass Teen Movie?"

W’MAN: "Sorry, Englishman. There must have been a mix up at the store."

E’MAN: "Huh – at least someone is enjoying Sir Archibald McKintosh’s thrilling 16 part in-depth documentary on the Boer War."

Scene cuts to two disappointed teenagers sat on a couch.

Commentary from TV: "And so the Boers moved to fight a guerrilla war against their British oppressors…"

TEEN #1: "Worst Wayan brothers movie ever!"

TEEN #2: "Just give it a chance. Scary Movie 2 wasn’t any good, but then they got in all those other actors, writers and producers for Scary Movie 3 and it was much better."

TEEN #1: "I guess."

Scene cuts back to Englishman and Welshman.

E’MAN: "Now what are we going to do this evening? Have another thrilling adventure, I suppose…" He stares intently at the phone. "I said, ‘have another thrilling adventure’. Welshman, are you sure that phone’s working? It’s been precisely one week since our last adventure; that usually means it’s time for a new one." RING! RING! "Aha!" And Englishman picks up the telephone receiver,

E’MAN: "Hello, Englishman speaking…what? No I don’t want double-glazing! Now get off the line, you miscreant. I happen to be expecting a very important call from one world leader or another. Goodbye!" Englishman walks back to the window, putting his hands behind his back, "Would you look at that, Welshman,"

W’MAN: "What is it, Englishman?" And Welshman gets up and walks over. On the lawn is a red squirrel sat on its haunches eating a nut.

E’MAN: "Proud British red coat squirrels, holding out against overwhelming odds and the sheer weight of numbers of the invading grey squirrel – just as our boys did at Rorke’s Drift all those years ago." Englishman’s eyes narrow and his brow furrows, "And now this new foe: the grey squirrel – clad in the grey of a soldier of the Reich – but no less cunning than a Zulu – don’t you forget it, Welshman. Germans – devious lot – always starting wars, invading Poland, stuffing their cheek pouches with nuts for winter and then hiding those nuts in my lawn. Those evil bas-"

W’MAN: "Grey squirrels are American, Englishman."

E’MAN: " "Quiet, Welshman, can’t you see I’m on one of my demented, bigoted, misinformed, xenophobic rants?"

W’MAN: "Sorry, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Ah, yes – squirrels. Building their mosques over here. Well, we don’t want you – you can take your symbols of Islam – your hammer and sickle, red flags and your stuffed zombie Lenin and go back to your castles in Transylvania. Huh! This is England! A proud island nation populated by Scandinavian folk and Romans – and we don’t want foreigners here!"

W’MAN: "This is America, Englishman."

E’MAN: "What?! Oh yes, of course. How long have you been there, Welshman? – I didn’t hear you come in."

W’MAN: "Oh…not long."

E’MAN: "Hmm – well, I’m glad you’re here – there’s an important mission for us, should we choose to accept it. I’ve been invited to present a gong at the annual Black Music Awards Ceremony next week. That reminds me – we’d better leave now or we’ll be late."

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman arrive at the awards ceremony and step from the Bentley out onto the red carpet. A man (recognisable as a blacked up Hitler) hurries past Englishman and Welshman.

W’MAN: "He looks familiar."

E’MAN: "Common mistake. All blacks look the same. I’ll vouch for that."

W’MAN: "That’s nonsense, Englishman – it’s simply not true."

E’MAN: "Yes, it is. I have enough trouble telling Mariah Carey from Queen Latifah. Ah, look – there’s Mariah now." Englishman waves at a woman in the crowd, who, confused, looks backwards over her shoulder.

E’MAN: "Besides – don’t you remember that time my wallet was stolen?"

<<FLASHBACK>>

Englishman is attending a line-up at the police station after his wallet has been stolen.

COP: "And you’re sure you got a good look at him?"

E’MAN: "Yes, yes."

COP: "And you can definitely identify him?"

E’MAN: "Definitely."

COP: "Okay then, have a look at these guys."

A Rastafarian, a Chinese, an orthodox Jew, a Hispanic and a white transvestite walk in and line up on the other side of the two-way mirror.

COP: "Well, Mr Englishman, take your time and then tell us if you recognise anyone."

E’MAN: "No…can’t say that I do."

COP: "Take your time, Englishman,"

E’MAN: "I’m sorry, but all these foreign types look the same to me." Everyone turns and stares incredulously at Englishman.

E’MAN: "Well they do! I can’t help it."

<<FLASHBACK ENDS>>

SCENE: Englishman and Welshman arrive at the back of the auditorium.

E’MAN: "By golly, I haven’t seen this many blacks since I went on that weekend break to South Africa and was invited to testify before the Truth and Reconciliation Committee."

W’MAN: "Weekend break? Interpol held you for six weeks. And you weren’t invited, you were extradited and your testimony compelled under subpoena and the threat of indefinite detention in a South African prison!"

E’MAN: "Yes, yes. But the gist of my story was accurate…. Shut up, Welshman. Now…where are our seats? Check the tickets, Welshman,"

W’MAN: "Hm? Oh, yes, of course, here they are – oops!" reaching into his pocket he pulls out the tickets, but as he does so an envelope falls to the floor.

E’MAN: "What have you got there, Welshman?"

W’MAN: "Oh, yes, I forgot to give it to you," he hands it over, "It’s an intelligence report that says Hitler may have got hold of an A-bomb,"

E’MAN: "That’ s ridiculous. There’s nowhere in the Western Hemisphere that Hitler could purchase an A-bomb."

SCENE: Back at Hitler’s lair (currently Englishman’s attic): Hitler is sat at his computer watching a timer tick down on the web-auction site D-Day.com

HITLER: "Gut, gut – come to Papa, baby. JA! Mein bid of 10,000 Reichsmarks has been accepted! Take zat, Stalin1000! In your face!".

Scene cuts to Stalin sat at his computer, he kicks the leg of his desk

STALIN: "Oh, fooey!"

SCENE: Back at the awards ceremony.

W’MAN: "Englishman, I’ve been wondering – why did the organisers ask you to present an award?"

E’MAN: "Because I’m one of them."

W’MAN: "Whatever do you mean?"

E’MAN: "Welshman, I grew up in an Hispanic ghetto in New York …oh wait…no; that was a little boy that I read about in the newspaper the other day who’d been brutally murdered."

W’MAN: "I was going to say – you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and have lived your whole life in the lap of luxury."

E’MAN: "Yes, yes, Welshman. No need to rub it in. Anyway, my privileged upbringing is the reason why I decided to give something back. These rappers may talk about the harshness of their lives and social injustice – but I bet none of them battle Hitler on an almost fortnightly basis."

A nearby group of people turn around, looking hurt. It's the Black Eyed Peas.

E'MAN: "Why, Hitler's greatest foes after me! I'm sorry, I don't know how I forgot you!"

FERGIE: "That's alright, Englishman. We know how hard it is keeping it real."

The Black Eyed Peas turn round again, mollified.

E'MAN: "Besides – it’s not as though I’m so out of touch that I can’t interact with these people as equals. Watch this," Englishman greets a rapper, "Hello, nice to meet you, I’m Englishman,"

The rapper’s entourage eyes Englishman suspiciously; Welshman, who is stood just behind Englishman, smiles politely and nods.

60 CENT THE RAPPER: "Sure, sure…I’m 60 cent,"

E’MAN: "Gosh, however did you get a name like that, were your parents idiots? And, I say, what a quaint oversized novelty dollar chain you have there, Mr Cent."

60 CENT: furious "Say what?!"

The incensed entourage start reaching for their guns.

W’MAN: "Please excuse my friend – he’s very…drunk, yes, drunk!"

E’MAN: "Drunk? What are you talking about, Welshman?"

Welshman hurriedly shepherds Englishman away.

A short while later, after they’ve taken their seats.

E’MAN: "I’ve been thinking, Welshman, and you’re right: there is no good reason for me to have been invited here!"

W’MAN: "Are you thinking what I’m thinking?"

E’MAN: "Er…you go first."

W’MAN: "It’s a trap."

E’MAN: "Yes…a trap – just what I was going to say. So…you don’t think that maybe they just sent the tickets to the wrong place?"

W’MAN: "No. Definitely a trap."

E’MAN: "Yes, I agree. That’s just what I thought all along. Just testing you."

W’MAN: "Wait! That man on the way in…that was Hitler."

E’MAN quietly: "Hitler isn’t black, Welshman. Even I’m not so crass and insensitive as to make that mistake."

WELSHMAN impatiently: "No! He was blacked up or something – make up maybe; I don’t know."

E’MAN: "But then that means…maybe he does have a bomb and that maybe it’s right here."

W’MAN: "But it could be anywhere in this huge building…oh, where to start looking?"

E’MAN: "I think I know," Welshman tries to follow Englishman’s line of sight, but can’t work out what Englishman has just spotted. The two of them make their way across the room.

E’MAN: "Here he is, Welshman. A Nazi officer no less, and one so bold that he wears his Nazi officer’s trousers proudly even in public."

WELSHMAN hisses: "Englishman, no!"

E’MAN: "Hmm?"

W’MAN: "That’s MC Hammer and those are called ‘parachute pants’."

E’MAN: "You know this man? They’re not Nazi officer trousers? And he’s not a Nazi officer?"

W’MAN: "No, Englishman,"

E’MAN: "Oh."

WELSHMAN to MC Hammer: "Sorry about that,"

MC HAMMER: "Er, yeah, no problem. You want an autograph or something?"

W’MAN: "No, no – we’re fine thank-you."

E’MAN: "Come along, Welshman. We’ll just have to find this bomb ourselves."

Englishman and Welshman walk off. A little while later they’ve made their way backstage.

E’MAN: "Welshman! Look!" he points to a puddle of liquid that’s coming out from underneath a door. Englishman kneels down and touches the pool with the tip of one finger; he tastes it.

W’MAN: "What is it, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "I haven’t the faintest idea, but it tastes absolutely foul. I thought I told you to stop me from tasting everything after the doctor diagnosed me with that syndrome that makes me want to put strange things in my mouth?"

W’MAN: "Sorry, Englishman, won’t happen again."

E’MAN: "It better not or you’ll be fired."

They walk on until they get to a door marked "Under Stage Access"

E’MAN: "Stop. Quiet." A faint tick-tick-ticking noise can be heard.

W’MAN: "I hear it too, Englishman, do you think it’s the bomb?"

E’MAN: "Either that or my pocket watch – and that hasn’t worked since I fell into that volcano at the end of last week's exciting adventure." Welshman looks confused at this claim "Come on!" They open the door and make their way down some stairs into a dimly lit room. The ticking is louder now and seems to be coming from underneath a large dustsheet. Englishman pulls the sheet off to reveal the bomb.

E’MAN: "I don’t suppose you speak Russian do you, Welshman,"

W’MAN: "’Fraid not, Englishman."

E’MAN: "Ah well, I’ll just have to guess."

W’MAN: "Wait! I think it’s in English actually, Englishman. You were just looking at the control panel upside down." Englishman twists his head over to one side.

E’MAN: "Right you are, Welshman. Ha ha ha! That was close!"

W’MAN: "You do know what you’re doing, don’t you, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "Yes, yes. I took the mandatory course is nuclear bomb disarmament as demanded by the Health and Safety Executive. Though to be honest, as a small employer responsible for just a few household servants, I had my doubts as to whether I’d ever need to put those skills into use. However, I bow my head to those bureaucrats now, they were right."

Englishman cuts a wire and the timer stops.

E’MAN: "Done it!"

W’MAN: "Englishman, aren’t you worried that that was rather an anti-climax?"

E’MAN confused: "I don’t have an Auntie Climax, Welshman,"

W’MAN: "No, I mean, it was a bit of a let down – a nuclear bomb and then you just disarmed it."

E’MAN: "I see what you mean. Well, okay, you go upstairs and tell everyone to run away. Then you call down to me and I’ll set the timer going again, I’ll grab that cute kitten over there and we’ll run out together and take cover behind a car as the whole building explodes."

W’MAN: "You know what, Englishman, you’re right, it wasn’t an anti-climax at all."

E’MAN: "Go on, Welshman! I’m reconnecting this wire whether or not you tell all those people upstairs to run for their lives. I live for danger!"

W’MAN: "Okay, okay, I’m going!"

A while later.

E’MAN: "Ready, Welshman?" calls Englishman.

W’MAN: "Ready, Englishman – it’s just us left now."

E’MAN: "Okay! I’m reconnecting the wires now!" The timer recommences, counting down much faster than before. Englishman grabs the cute kitten and he and Welshman run from the building.

Parked in the road outside are lots of emergency service vehicles. Behind one of these Englishman and Welshman take cover.

BOOM! The building implodes; a cloud of dust rises. English and Welshman stand up and turn around to view the collapsed building.

W’MAN: "However did we survive? I thought that that was a nuclear bomb."

E’MAN: "Well, obviously the trigger must have deteriorated to the point that the warhead failed to detonate. And what radioactive blast did occur was contained by the lead pipes in the building melting into a radioactive shield."

W’MAN: "Lead pipes? They should have been removed years ago."

E’MAN: "But lucky for us they weren’t, or else we’d all be dead."

W’MAN: "All the same, all that lead has probably killed about as many people as a nuclear bomb through lead poisoning."

E’MAN: "Piffle! All the pipes in my house are made of lead and it’s never had any effect on me," At which point his eyes roll and he keels over.

W’MAN: "Englishman!" helping Englishman back up.

E’MAN: "Just a bit dizzy, just a bit dizzy. Maybe an inner-ear infection. Just a bit dizzy…and blind…just a bit blind. Maybe an inner-eye infection. I’ll be alright." Welshman supports a very unsteady Englishman as he staggers about a bit.

W’MAN: "We’ve got to get you to a hospital,"

E’MAN: "No, no. You’re overreacting. I’ll be fine in a minute or two. Especially out here in all this fresh air." A bright green radioactive cloud is gathering over the building. "Besides, must…fight…Hitler…ugh." He collapses again.

SCENE: At the Englishmansion Englishman is in bed recuperating. A newspaper lies on the covers with the headline: "Englishman saves the day". Welshman walks in.

W’MAN: "Look what I’ve got for you, Englishman, it’s a telegram from the Queen."

E’MAN: "Great Scott! I must have slept for decades!"

W’MAN: "No, no! Calm down. Not that kind of telegram."

E’MAN: "Phew! So…what does it say?"

W’MAN: "She sends her congratulations on a job well done and invites you to the Palace for tea when you’re feeling better."

E’MAN: "Ah, that’s very decent of her. Tell her we accept – unless we are inevitably detained by having to battle our many foes over here on this, the dark side of the pond. So until next week, it’s goodbye from me and it’s goodbye from Welshman. Goodbye."

W’MAN: "Who are you talking to, Englishman?"

E’MAN: "Why, the audience of course."

WELSHMAN peering in the direction of the TV camera Englishman is looking at but seeing nothing: "There, there, Englishman, you get some rest. You deserve it."

ROLL CREDITS

Featuring Special Guest Appearances by The Black Eyed Peas, MC Hammer and Sixty Cent.

The British Admiral was played by Edward Fox.

The American Admiral was played by David Boreanaz.

Stalin was played by President Vladimir Putin with a false moustache.

End of Season One First Half

On to Season One Second Half