WHY MY MOTHER HATES ME

Updated Sunday 15 May, 2011 12:18 PM

by Thomas Wm. Hamilton

Mother's Day. An annual problem. What to get her? Let's see, her house was paid off thirty years ago, so there is surely nothing she needs for the home. Every time I've ever sent her a food gift she's found something wrong with it--too fattening, not her taste, wrong brand, tasted "weird", spoiled, whatever. But that radio ad--yes! The Intergalactic Stellar Directory will name a star for her. Wow! It will shine forever, how could she criticize that?

Okay, I download their order form, fill it out. Gee, they allow me to pick from five choices. I'll find a really nice star for her.

Thank you for your interest in the Intergalactic Stellar Directory. We offer only the finest in stars to be named after that special person of your choice. Here is a selection of five wonderful stars anyone would be proud to have named after themselves:

Current Spectral Apparent Absolute Distance Constellation

Designation Class Magnitude Magnitude (L-Y)

HD23302 B5p 8.9 -2.8 1100 Taurus

HD206936 M0 9.2 -2.9 1250 Cassiopeia

M4-wd-17 wd 21.5 +7.9 7200 Scorpius

A8 17.2 -1.2 12,000 Camelopardalis

HD 65216 G5V 7.98 +4.8 118 Carina

Oh, dear, I can see some problems. HD23302 would never be acceptable. Mother would not accept having a peculiar star named for her.

HD206936 is certainly impossible. It's a supergiant, and Mother would think I was making some sort of statement on her weight. That would never do!

M4-wd-17 is a white dwarf. Much too unimpressive, and Mother just might take offence at having a very old star named for her.

The fourth star is in a constellation that (a) mother never heard of, (b) can't spell, and (c) can't even pronounce. Absolutely out of the question.

The last star is in a constellation whose name sounds too much like Karyn. Mother would certainly resent a star in a constellation that sounds like a member of her bridge group. Pity the closest sounding constellation to mother's name is Lacerta the Lizard.

I must contact the Intergalactic Stellar Directory again and ask for a better selection of stars to choose from.

Dear Sir:

We here at the Intergalactic Stellar Directory very much regret that you were unable to find a suitable star among the initial selection we offered. However, we have many, many stars yearning to be freed from the anonymity of catalogue numbers, and hoping to burst into a world of joy in which they share the celebration of some wonderful person's name. We hope you will find what you are looking for in the following list. Remember, the name you choose will remain with that star. Once you choose, we will never change the name.

Current Spectral Apparent Absolute Distance Constellation

Designation Class Magnitude Magnitude (L-Y)

HD216770 K1V 8.10 +5.1 123.5 Pisces Austrinus

SAO241334 N 10.5 +9.9 40 Centaurus

HD24912 Oe5 12.1 -5 18,000 Perseus

Well, the first one seems like a pretty ordinary star. The second one is clearly inappropriate.

An N star for heaven's sake! Small and dim would be an insult for Mother. The third star seems like an excellent choice. Very hot and bright. Yes, I shall tell the Intergalactic Stellar Directory to name that one after Mother. Now just to write out a check for a hundred dollars and send it off.

Son:

I have received a notice from the Intergalactic Stellar Directory that they have named a star, chosen by you, after me. I am very disappointed that you think I am too hot, emit dangerous amounts of radiation, and will soon disappear by exploding as a supernova. I guess I must have raised you badly, or you have long harbored some terrible resentment. I tried my best to be a good mother, and don't feel I deserve to be stuck out at the far end of the Orion arm, totally removed from Earth and the rest of the human race. Perhaps some day you will understand how you have broken a mother's heart, perhaps if you ever have ungrateful children of your own.

Your Mother

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