XXXX Flights

Updated Sunday 15 May, 2011 12:18 PM

XXXX Flights'

By Alan Burnham

The X prize was set up to provide an incentive for private companies to develop space flight. Or, at least, as near to space flight as is possible for anybody without NASA's budget. To win the prize a company had to build an aircraft/space ship that could lift the weight of three humans to a sub orbital altitude of 100 kilometres on two consecutive flights in two weeks. 100 kilometres is the official boundary of space. Once past that you're entitled to wear astronaut badges

But the words to note here are 'sub-orbital'. The shuttle has to reach a height of three hundred kilometres and a speed of 28,000 kph to achieve orbit. There is no prospect of a privately built ship achieving a performance anything like that for decades to come. A sub orbital flight means going up as high as you can, then gliding back down. No staying up there. On the plus side, there's no fiery re-entry back into the atmosphere, no need for any protective tiles and the cost of a sub orbital flight is chicken feed compared to riding on the shuttle.

The X prize was won last year by a space craft designed by an American called Burt Rutan. In fact, by two aircraft. The mother ship, White Knight, carried SpaceShipOne to a height of fifteen
kilometres. Then SpaceShipOne burnt its rocket engine for about a minute and a half and reached an altitude of 112 kilometres. SpaceShipOne is five metres long and has a wingspan of five metres

Richard Branson immediately announced after the flight that he was financing a company to develop space tourism, to be called Virgin Galactic, which would use a spacecraft developed from SpaceShipOne.

So much for fact. What follows is nothing to do with any real company. It's just that there's one particular feature about a sub orbital flight path which fascinates me. Which is that during the
parabolic curve after the engine burns out the occupants of the space craft get to experience between three to five minutes of weightlessness.

Let me put it this way. Tourism is not about going 'ooh' and 'aah' and taking photos. Real tourism -- extreme tourism -- is about doing something which will make all your friends grind their teeth with envy for the rest of their lives. If you're a young macho millionaire type guy and you've bought yourself the only few minutes of zero-gravity you're ever going to experience, what would you most like to do with that time? Or, in other words, can you think of a better way of scoring off your mates than scoring in space?

Just think about it. Just think about how much better that turbo charged Porsche would look with some eye catching stickers in the rear window:

"I HAD A FREE FOR ALL IN FREE FALL":

"CALL ME LUKE SKYSHAGGER":

"FLOATED LIKE A BUTTERFLY, BANGED LIKE A BULL".

Yes, I'm sure there's a market out there -- or up there. The problem is that the present generation of private space craft have very snug cabins. To have enough space to enjoy the pleasures of space it's going to be a two person only flight. And if the passenger is a randy male with conventional tastes, the only way to match things up is with a female pilot fully committed to customer satisfaction. Fortunately, the auto pilot can take care of things once the rocket has burnt out. Collisions are not a issue. The highest flying airliner will still be 90 kilometres below the action.

No, the biggest problem is going to be for the recruiting companies. Up until now professional qualifications haven't really been an issue for ladies willing to work in the sex industry. But for this job the minimum requirements would be at least a degree in astrophysics, several hundred hours as a military fast jet pilot and great legs.

The recruits will be there though, I guarantee it. Real pilots would do anything to fly into space every week. And the pay rates would certainly be as astronomical as the job itself. Of course there's no denying that most of the flights would be one giant leap for a man and a repressed yawn for a woman. Boring bonks but great views. On the other hand it would be quite interesting to see how the public reacts to professional fille de joies enjoying the kind of job status that used to be the reserve of Concorde Captains.

Of course, unless a client suffers from premature ejaculation problems, four or five minutes may not be enough to achieve his own escape velocity, but there'll still be plenty of time on the glide
down to finish things off and open a bottle of iced champagne (non-alcoholic, of course) before his partner has to leave the hot bunk and get back into the hot seat for the landing.

And, naturally, there won't be any pressure suits worn. In fact neither of the pilots who flew the X prize missions wore them. And, incidentally, not to mention incredibly, one of those test pilots was in his sixties. Of course if there is a major cabin rupture the people inside will find their blood boiling but if things are going really well they may not notice the difference anyway.

Not that there won't be wardrobe considerations. Personally, I think suspender belts will be all the go. A guy in free fall will need as many things to hang onto as he can grab. But individual clients will doubtless have their own preferences: Lieutenant Uhura uniforms, Barbarella outfits, Princess Leia slave girl gear, Wookie costumes, whatever floats their boat while they're floating.

The really interesting part of the deal will be the advertising. I can see all the agency creatives sitting around a table and staring at their ideas on the white board:

"HIT THE HEIGHTS WITH A FALLEN WOMAN",

"RIDE TO HEAVEN WITH A BLUE ANGEL",

"IT'S SEX, JIM, BUT NOT AS YOU KNOW IT",

"ARE YOU THE NEXT BIG BANG?",

"GET YOUR ROCKS OFF IN A ROCKET",

"THE BLUE ANGELS: WE'VE DOWNED MORE MEN THAN THE RED BARON".

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